[the road beneath us]

[reenka]

Listening to `Falling is like this' makes me want to write my first novella again.... ahhh. It really represents the last chapter so well... and the whole fic, which has falling, falling everywhere. That's what it's -about-. And in a way, I love thinking about it more than I imagine I'd love writing it. It's like my own little secret... my own respite. It's the story in my heart, and the boys are -my- boys in it more than in any other fic I've done, I think. I -know- them, and I know how they fell in love, and I know how in the end, they were free, even if they didn't know it yet.


When it's done, will it be gone from my heart? It will all be on paper, separate from me. This way, it's still attached to me by some sort of umbilical cord. Only I can know it fully, and in my imagination the words are more expressive and right than they'd ever actually be. In my imagination, everything is just right. It's so hard... it's so hard to really say what I mean to say, to retain the energy to say it, and it's also hard to remember to let it out once it settles... once I've told the story to myself, and it feels complete somehow. Agh. But at the same time, I want to be able to point at it and say, there. There. See, they love each other. See... this is their story....

I read this quote by Jeanette Winterson and I'm like... yes. Yes. Love is about recognition... about finding your mirror self and suddenly understanding what you've never realized you have always been yourself. I don't think I can ever really achieve a full representation of this, but in the end, I pick the most unlikely people because I think it's most necessary to see one's similarities to the person one least wants to see in the mirror. But at some point I think I've overstated my case... perhaps it's better to be silent... perhaps this depth of knowledge is something I can't even share, and perhaps we all discover it for ourselves when we love.

I remember how I've always loved mind-bonds in fantasy... like in the Elfquest comics, one of my favorite things was the idea of recognition-- finding that one person you're meant to be with, and the defining moment is when you know. You just know this is love, because you know this person on some level which should be impossible-- which runs deeper than conscious thought. You recognize them. And on some level this sounds over the top and silly, because who can say that's happened to them? It's just a fantasy. But on another level, this is what love is like-- it's just that it's never so simple, mostly 'cause people aren't really that aware of what they feel and what it means.

I want to write about that process of self-discovery, of self-knowledge, and I generally think love is one of the most effective (if not -the- most effective) paths to self-knowledge. There's a quote from a song, I think: you are what you need. But I'm always stumbling... feeling like I know all kinds of things I can't express. I recognize stories, too, in myself... feel their shape almost wordlessly, sense their meaning. And on the one hand, I want to let them go-- want them to fall away from me and achieve a sort of release, a freedom-- and maybe on the other hand I'm afraid there'd only be emptiness left behind.

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Haha, I think the fear is fleeting... since I was feeling all 'wah' and maudlin, I don't think I seriously don't finish 'cause I think then it'd be gone from me... except subconsciously perhaps, which is harder to affect. I -want- to finish and the biggest thing stopping me is really lack of discipline and the fact that it's 'done' in my head, I just haven't set it down on paper, which makes it feel like a chore to write the rest :))

It's odd, 'cause this isn't the case with all stories by far... I only feel like this about my longer pieces... I think once I go past 35 pages or so... then it becomes a part of my mental landscape. I'm glad I got at least one of those stories finished (but only one)-- basically, the Pansy/Ginny longfic is like that. I just -know- them, and I'm so proud of it. So I'm actually happy to have it done, -if- it gets done. Thank god it wasn't a very complicated and rather linear fic which didn't get beta'd so I never had to revise it ^^;; It's hard to motivate myself to revise things 'cause it's not begging to get out anymore... it's like, already fully formed even if I hadn't written everything down yet. Alas. Discipline, discipline, discipline, ARGH.

[stellabelle.livejournal.com]

the fact that it's 'done' in my head, I just haven't set it down on paper, which makes it feel like a chore to write the rest :))
I do the same thing/feel the same way. I didn't think anyone else did that, cause most people I know who write sit & do, like, a paragraph & angst over its 'suckiness' or whatever...and I'm like...'er, well, I just sort of map it out in my head first', because, like, why angst over something if you don't really know where you're going with it? And they're all shocked, which is odd cause I thought the way I did it was just common (or, common sense even...?). Um. Suppose not, though, having talked to other people about it.

Unless of course I'm writing something, like, say, Draco with amnesia in a skirt, cause then that's just fun & easy. *blinks* Not that I do that. Obviously...er.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahhh, I don't do either. I don't map things out all the time... It's only when I've written without a plan for long enough, I sort of... naturally figure out where the rest is going, y'know? So I'd write 80-90% of a fic and finally figure out where I'm going with it, and that's when I get burned out and tired and it feels more like a chore. I don't really angst over my writing per se-- I just get really lazy and don't finish things 'cause... uh... I can always read porn instead? Yeah, that's it :> I never have trouble 'just' writing-- though sometimes I get stuck and don't know where a story is going, usually the reason I don't finish is just that I get tired of making an effort. I hate effort unless I'm so obsessed with what I'm doing I can't help but make an effort. I'm making myself sound really bad, I know ^^;;

But yeah, generally the stuff I do finish is really stupid and I don't have to think about it... well, my angst is also really stupid, really, 'cause there's little follow-through. It's not even a lack of it being fun & easy, 'cause all writing is fun & easy if I'm still finding things out as I go along and not just setting things down because I have to. Like, my novella was fun too, it's just that... once I figured out its overall shape, it became a struggle to get myself to return to it. It's like... not so much writer's angst as an overall amount of crushing laziness, with me ^^;;;

[stellabelle.livejournal.com]

Hah, I'm lazy, too (like I'm in college to do work...um), just...maybe over different things, or something. See, because I do have trouble just writing sometimes, cause of anxiety of its being not what I wanted it to be, so that's why I more map stuff out, I suppose. If that makes sense? Like, that sounds really anal, maybe, but yeah. That's how I operate, baybee. I mean, ultimately if I just didn't give a shit I would just sit & write & not care, and I do try to do that at times but most times it ends up with me getting frustrated and I suppose that's where my laziness stems from...like, beginning something and then not finishing it more out of a belief of inability as opposed to...I dunno...something else. So, I mean...I don't force myself to write, cause I couldn't (yet I can't not write, and so the dichotomy overwhelms me, haha!), and I don't see how some people do make themselves do it (I know some people who are all 'must write every day aughhh!' & I'm like '...') and although writing does come fairly easily to me, I wish the belief did, or something along those lines. See, I'm making myself sound bad, now, haha!

But everyone has their little quirks or whatever you want to call it when it comes to writing. And no, the stuff you finish is not stupid, cause it's something & it's practice & it's what you love doing, and that totally matters. Which you know, so why am I saying it? I DO NOT KNOW, hah. :) <3

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahahah, if I map stuff out, I find it gives me more anxiety, actually, 'cause then I have something to live up to in terms of my own expectations. ^^;; I'm really not good with putting any kind of pressure on myself, but I guess we just find different things to be pressure :> Like, I can see how a plan could be reassuring-- as in, this is what you're going to do, and it's decided and you don't just have to trust that it'll work out because you have boundaries to help direct you, maybe? Even if they're self-created boundaries. With me it's just... the boundaries make me more self-conscious. I'm really not very... self-aware when I'm just scribbling. Like, it's not a question of self-confidence 'cause I lose some primary sense of self when I'm in my writing trance.

Though I don't know if this is a 'quirk' with me, precisely, since it's not a workable way of functioning-- meaning I can't continue writing like this, or I'd never finish anything long that was of any importance to me, 'cause I'd burn out before I'm done. But you're right, the stuff I do do is... something~:) I do have a little ambition in me, though. Well, I used to have more but I think I've repressed it all AHAHAHAHAH. Omg I just remembered... I used to be really ambitious. I really wanted to finish my first novel when I was 10. Er. I'm really late now :)) <3

[stellabelle.livejournal.com]

It's funny, cause even though we have different ways of writing - it still makes sense to me, what you're saying. I suppose it's cause even though I sometimes do map stuff out (especially assigned stuff - ie the short story I have to write for my fiction workshop *faints*) there are times when I just sit and write (or don't, if I'm not inspired, or whatever). I don't know what it is about mapping stuff that's reassuring to me, to be honest, but yeah, maybe it is the sort of boundaries thing. But then, I don't like to restrict myself in my writing, either, so. I don't plan everything. Just some things, and it's oddly reassuring, or something. I see what you're saying about its making you self-conscious but I'm always self-conscious when it comes to my writing, so planning/not planning/whatever I do isn't going to make a difference in that aspect.

Heee, I started writing seriously when I was...10, 11 probably. Although I didn't really want to write a novel then, haha! That is quite ambitious. I mean, I suppose...I've always just wanted to write, anything, everything, I don't care what or how long and it's funny cause with all this talk of planning (and you probably thinking I'm completely, like, Type A now & I'm actually not really, haha). It's just like...sort of an outline, for me, I suppose? Hm. I mean, it's mostly to get a feel for my characters, because once I have a feel for them, I just usually sit down and write whatever-it-is (as long as it's fairly short) straight through. Cause by then the characters have begun taking up residence in my head and start TAKING OVER AHHH! Um. Because then I get distracted or dissatisfied if I have an idea for something and can't just sit down and write it all at once, all my ideas, y'know? Well...er, I dunno if you do, obviously, but. Eh. It's easier that way for me, and when it comes down to it that's what I need, at least at this point in my life, cause I am the Slacker Queen. No, seriously. :)