[the road beneath us]
Jan. 26th, 2005 05:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaListening to `Falling is like this' makes me want to write my first novella again.... ahhh. It really represents the last chapter so well... and the whole fic, which has falling, falling everywhere. That's what it's -about-. And in a way, I love thinking about it more than I imagine I'd love writing it. It's like my own little secret... my own respite. It's the story in my heart, and the boys are -my- boys in it more than in any other fic I've done, I think. I -know- them, and I know how they fell in love, and I know how in the end, they were free, even if they didn't know it yet.
When it's done, will it be gone from my heart? It will all be on paper, separate from me. This way, it's still attached to me by some sort of umbilical cord. Only I can know it fully, and in my imagination the words are more expressive and right than they'd ever actually be. In my imagination, everything is just right. It's so hard... it's so hard to really say what I mean to say, to retain the energy to say it, and it's also hard to remember to let it out once it settles... once I've told the story to myself, and it feels complete somehow. Agh. But at the same time, I want to be able to point at it and say, there. There. See, they love each other. See... this is their story....
I read this quote by Jeanette Winterson and I'm like... yes. Yes. Love is about recognition... about finding your mirror self and suddenly understanding what you've never realized you have always been yourself. I don't think I can ever really achieve a full representation of this, but in the end, I pick the most unlikely people because I think it's most necessary to see one's similarities to the person one least wants to see in the mirror. But at some point I think I've overstated my case... perhaps it's better to be silent... perhaps this depth of knowledge is something I can't even share, and perhaps we all discover it for ourselves when we love.
I remember how I've always loved mind-bonds in fantasy... like in the Elfquest comics, one of my favorite things was the idea of recognition-- finding that one person you're meant to be with, and the defining moment is when you know. You just know this is love, because you know this person on some level which should be impossible-- which runs deeper than conscious thought. You recognize them. And on some level this sounds over the top and silly, because who can say that's happened to them? It's just a fantasy. But on another level, this is what love is like-- it's just that it's never so simple, mostly 'cause people aren't really that aware of what they feel and what it means.
I want to write about that process of self-discovery, of self-knowledge, and I generally think love is one of the most effective (if not -the- most effective) paths to self-knowledge. There's a quote from a song, I think: you are what you need. But I'm always stumbling... feeling like I know all kinds of things I can't express. I recognize stories, too, in myself... feel their shape almost wordlessly, sense their meaning. And on the one hand, I want to let them go-- want them to fall away from me and achieve a sort of release, a freedom-- and maybe on the other hand I'm afraid there'd only be emptiness left behind.
When it's done, will it be gone from my heart? It will all be on paper, separate from me. This way, it's still attached to me by some sort of umbilical cord. Only I can know it fully, and in my imagination the words are more expressive and right than they'd ever actually be. In my imagination, everything is just right. It's so hard... it's so hard to really say what I mean to say, to retain the energy to say it, and it's also hard to remember to let it out once it settles... once I've told the story to myself, and it feels complete somehow. Agh. But at the same time, I want to be able to point at it and say, there. There. See, they love each other. See... this is their story....
I read this quote by Jeanette Winterson and I'm like... yes. Yes. Love is about recognition... about finding your mirror self and suddenly understanding what you've never realized you have always been yourself. I don't think I can ever really achieve a full representation of this, but in the end, I pick the most unlikely people because I think it's most necessary to see one's similarities to the person one least wants to see in the mirror. But at some point I think I've overstated my case... perhaps it's better to be silent... perhaps this depth of knowledge is something I can't even share, and perhaps we all discover it for ourselves when we love.
I remember how I've always loved mind-bonds in fantasy... like in the Elfquest comics, one of my favorite things was the idea of recognition-- finding that one person you're meant to be with, and the defining moment is when you know. You just know this is love, because you know this person on some level which should be impossible-- which runs deeper than conscious thought. You recognize them. And on some level this sounds over the top and silly, because who can say that's happened to them? It's just a fantasy. But on another level, this is what love is like-- it's just that it's never so simple, mostly 'cause people aren't really that aware of what they feel and what it means.
I want to write about that process of self-discovery, of self-knowledge, and I generally think love is one of the most effective (if not -the- most effective) paths to self-knowledge. There's a quote from a song, I think: you are what you need. But I'm always stumbling... feeling like I know all kinds of things I can't express. I recognize stories, too, in myself... feel their shape almost wordlessly, sense their meaning. And on the one hand, I want to let them go-- want them to fall away from me and achieve a sort of release, a freedom-- and maybe on the other hand I'm afraid there'd only be emptiness left behind.
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Date: 2005-01-26 04:13 pm (UTC)Wah. I don't tend to think of the crazy-impulsive things I do as risks, 'cause I'm just so impulsive I don't -think- about things. I rarely consciously risk things 'cause I rarely do -anything- once I've thought about it and second-guessed myself into oblivion, and also I'm so lazy it hurts. I remember risking rejection sometimes because I really thought it was important to -know- and I couldn't -not-... and that's what it really comes down to in the end... I think I write and let go 'cause I couldn't -not-. :)
<333 I believe in you too, how could I not? There you are <3