~~ biting back the romance bug.

[reenka]

Again and again, it seems I keep coming back to the question-- What's wrong with romance. I mean, it's pretty obvious that of all human relationships, that of lovers is the least widely acceptable as a topic of serious study, compared to parents & children, siblings, working relationships, friendships. In a universe of cliche, romance (that is, sexual love) has a special place of inspiring a sort of... either disdainful boredom by the enlightened or thoughtless consumption by the masses. I feel like a throw-back, with my lifelong unabashed fascination with the subject, especially considering that in real life I'm rather antisocial, so the romantic theme is largely a theoretical interest. Hum.

The sexual aspect of this is even more looked down upon as a topic of serious inquiry, almost as if to this day, it's seen as a straggling tag-along, to be acknowledged but hopefully swept out of sight unless completely necessary. There seem to be divergent movements, at least within pop culture, to constantly separate & more firmly unite the concepts of sex and love, though of course both acknowledge that they're different (though complementary) things.
    I'm not so sure of that.


I'm fascinated by sexuality at least partly because it seems like a natural extension of romantic love (eros being sexual by nature). On the animal level-- certainly recreational sex is known, but this doesn't actually separate it from love, because among bonobos, for instance, the 'love' is still present as a conciliatory experience. If the animal in question -can- pair-bond on any lasting basis, it seems they use sex as a way to assert a certain (temporary or not) relationship as well as to feel good.

Basically, wouldn't most people's response be that porn is the least 'important' subject there is? And the most important, depending on which person you ask when. Personally, I find this dichotomy fascinating-- the way sex is everywhere, all-pervasive, the source of a million-and-one human motivations and consequences for us all, and yet it's commonly considered a lowly (embarrassing) source for inquiry. You can't write/read porn seriously, can you. That'd make you a wanker in the worst way. In denial, even. In desperate need of actual sex, perhaps. Off your head. Etc.

I myself see sex (and romance) everywhere, a background hum in nearly every story. I'm sure hormones have something to do with this, but that can't be all of it-- I remember wondering who would get together with whom in movies and fairy-tales & stories of all sorts when I was a five year-old, too. I don't actually remember a time when I wasn't interested. What does that say about me? Something negative, probably, to most people. I'm just 'such a girl'. I've got to listen to reality, right, where (sexual) love isn't the Most Important Thing; I've got to Get Down To Business.
    And yet. And yet, our whole present-day culture is obviously fascinated with the whole concept (which must be why so many people are tired of it, but that doesn't make it any more logical to dismiss).

I think a romantic/sexual relationship can be seen as a really effective lens of understanding people and their effect on one another, but the ramifications of the experiment depend on the people involved. Sometimes it -is- a cliche (in my own understanding) simply because the couple can't find a way to effectively communicate, or conversely because they're so at ease with each other that nothing ever changes between them & no issues get confronted. This confrontation & change-- this ionic bonding-- is the currency and the heart of both drama and one's growth as an invidual. While the covalent, steady bonds we make provide our lifelong foundations and are utterly indispensable, they are too easy and if unchecked, would sink us into a personal rut.

In my own personal experience if nothing else, with the right people involved, an ongoing sexual relationship is probably the sharpest mirror possible for an understanding of oneself. To me, this has always been the core question: Who am I in contrast to the Other? And that is what romantic love tries to show the lovers (and/or the readers). Sex is-- or can be-- the major catalytic act in this process besides talking. Touch remains when words fail. Touch and taste and look and feel the Other-- that's porn for you. At its best, it's visceral, gut-level, deeply honest, no holds barred realism. Aesthetic 'lying' in porn is widely accepted and desirable-- but I would say it's also pure cowardice/escapism. Porn doesn't have to be escapist, which has partly earned it its bad reputation-- I really think so. Erotic fiction can be the most honest, pure-truth thing you (I) can write.


As far as coming up with some semi-quantifiable system for study of this subject (as I can't help but feel compelled to come up with), there are a few axes to consider in a given couple:


+ High level of inherent interpersonal conflict - (if non-resolvable but self-sustaining, chances are best)

+ Possible progression to resolution or overall apparent relationship arc(s) - (needed to stave off stagnation)

+ Larger significance to each other - (what is the context of the beloved in the lover's life and the ramifications thereof)

+ What are the questions raised for each other & as a couple? - This is largely the romance writer's question. A 'high potential' couple tends to open the door to larger questions-- that is, by exploring the intersection of these two personalities, the metaphorical creases and irritations and interplay between them, one could get at something larger than either of the individuals-- something that transcends them or the duration & nature of their relationship. Love becomes a gateway the way it has always truly been-- the way it was in Romeo & Juliet and the Iliad and the fairy-tale of Beauty and the Beast. That's the beauty of it all-- great romance can never just be about itself. It is always, always a reflection of society at large-- the one that produces the story as much as the one that currently retells it.


These are mirrors-- doorways. Love itself is a doorway to the Other-- romance is the Story that links the separate rooms inside us. Sex is definitive both by its presence and its absence-- and in fact, its aching, hollow absence is often more powerful than any amount of presence. It is really the -anticipation- and the looking-towards-tomorrow that characterizes romantic love-- that unique Mystery, that divine insanity that tells you that the Beloved is deeply unknowable and infinitely desirable of being known. Love centers around Mystery and feeds upon constant communication-- a Look that goes on even when-- especially when-- the Beloved isn't present to be seen.
~~

I'm definitely not repeating the commonly accepted wisdom that close friends shouldn't (or can't) try to be lovers-- far from it. In a sense, friends make the best kind of lovers, since the implied ability to communicate well is simply vital. On the contrary, it merely depends on what kind of friends you are, and whether you really are both compatible & incompatible in the right ways. :>

    And yeah, I'll interject and say that this is why pairings which have no inherent personality conflict and are examples of like-with-like seem to be the flaming antithesis of what I see as romantic or sexual. To me this is so basic-- to the point that I think it explains why most of us aren't attracted to our siblings or parents. Thusly-- for me-- James/Sirius, Snape/Draco, Harry/Hermione = ick!! while Fred/George = yum! because that's a complete unit. Which is to say-- it's possible even for sibling pairs to come across as complementary (especially male/female pairs), but it's very rare. And yes, I always harp on about this particular squick, but it's me, what do you expect?

Naturally, I don't mean to overblow this and say romance is -more- important than something or other-- than anything else. I'm more interested in determining its role by somehow overcoming the urge for comparisons, though clearly that's difficult. To rank is human, but to equate is divine, etcetc.

Do I know what I'm talking about? Not as such, no.
~~

Oh, I'd started to read mousapelli's `He's not heavy, he's my boggart', when I realized-- I love James. I don't just snicker at him & think he's a cute sort of asshole-- no, I love him. I also feel it might be my calling to abandon slash & start writing James/Lily het, but I might be wrong about that (besides, them being doomed puts a damper on my enthusiasm). Still, I love insensitive, self-centered, given to brash outbursts & mockery, materialistic & pragmatic yet-secretly-romantic James. I think he's starting to remind me of Tamahome, which is rather odd, and yet. Hey, does that make Sirius into Tasuki?? Ahahahah. That James, he's such a kidder.

Thinking of him as an Auror makes me laugh and laugh (and laugh). It's the rebels that make the best cops, y'know (that fascination with authority-- oh yes). What's hilarious, come to think of it, is that I imagine that pre-OoTP, people thought James was kinda like Percy. How hilarious is that?? Ha.

Comments

[blacksatinrose.livejournal.com]

You should write James/Lily.

Just because no one else seems to. ;)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahahah I might if you'd read it :))
I just need an angle.
Man, all the ways Lily could (and probably did) torture James just make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

[malafede.livejournal.com]

She could lecture him a lot.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Can't say much for your imagination on this subject :))

[malafede.livejournal.com]

I can't imagine Lily being fun ever.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

No one lectures -all- the time... I mean, though if she was like Percy or Hermione, it'd still be fun to contrast her with James, but I don't think it's like that. Given, we know next to nothing about Hogwarts-era Lily. In my head she's a firecracker, though.

[malafede.livejournal.com]

The only time we see Lily in canon is when she lectures James. I mean, canonically, she can be the symbol of lurve alright, but I can't imagine a single reason to extrapolate that she's fun, too.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Mind you, I have a really bad memory of what I know from where-- so I don't know why I see Lily this way. It might be things said about Lily by Sirius or Remus that we hadn't seen-- it might be I'm going on fanon and/or intuition alone. First of all is the fact that she repeatedly rejects James, is immune to his charm, and 'fights back'. Now, this fighting-- it's an issue of interpretation whether you call it 'lecturing' or 'bickering'-- it's probably both. She seeks him out too, at least that once (was watching, anyway)-- though usually it's James who pursues her. She has spirit, at least (isn't a retiring flower). She can -resist- (his charm, good looks, his interest, his attention in general). That in itself sounds like fun to me-- or at least, it reminds me of me :D

I find argumentative impossible people fun. Even if they mean to bring order instead of chaos, they can still be entertaining, especially if they're really aggressive about it.

[malafede.livejournal.com]

But she's not argumentative or impossible. She preaches at him. Are you telling me that aelf-righteousness is fun?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Self-righteousness can be fun, if it came to that, especially when contrasted with non-self-righteousness. :>
However, I don't think that scene is -all- we know of Lily & her relationship with James, even if the rest is sketchy references. She doesn't like him. She's said no to him multiple times. She apparently goes out of her -way- to preach at him and claim her superiority-- that's more personal than mere high-and-mighty emotionally disconnected preaching. She cares one way or the other. She's aggressive about it. She contradicts/offsets James in an effective way & that's enough for me :>

[malafede.livejournal.com]

I'm really not talking about what is fun to watch play out or not, I'm talking about who's fun to be around, and Lily... really isn't. I mean, she clearly has plenty of positive, admirable traits. She just doesn't seem very entertaining.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahhh! Now I get it.

That just reminded me of the criticism people have made of Ron/Hermione-- namely, that Hermione's a nag who drives Ron insane & vice versa, & their relationship/bickering isn't very fun for them. Gotcha.

This comes down to the fact that AHAHAHAH I DON'T CARE, SUFFER MY PRETTIES, SUFFER!!1
...I like H/D, remember. Enjoying a pairing 'cause it's a plague on both characters is a ...thing. (Have I ever told you I like H/D -because- both Harry & Draco would so hate it?) Besides, it's all good 'cause just like Draco, James was so askin' for it. MUWAHAHAHAH.

[malafede.livejournal.com]

But... no. *cries* That's not what I meant either. I like H/D driving each other insane, but I don't care for Lily (though James being shallow does) because she's boring. All morals and no play, etc, etc.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. It's funny, 'all morals and no play' totally doesn't describe any Lily I've ever read in fanfic so it's really hard to totally separate that from canon ><;;; My Lily (rather like my Ginny) is more in my head than in canon, probably. Le sigh.

In fanfic, Lily's always been mischievous, contrary & yet also strict. It's odd o_0 Yeah, I do think the whole 'Lily: the fifth Marauder' thing is total fanon... and yet it's hard to totally forget it. Ergh. However, as I said, even if she was 'no play', it'd still amuse me to see her with the 'ultimate player' for that reason if nothing else.
Hmmmmmmm. Ack feel the need to re-read canon just for Lily's sake o_0

[malafede.livejournal.com]

Fanon fallacy = owned.

Neener neener.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

As if you could ever own me, little ferret.

[blacksatinrose.livejournal.com]

Rowling said on her website that Lily, like Harry, was not afraid to test the limits of the rule about not using magic outside of Hogwarts. In the books, she only gets pissed off because James is tormenting a kid randomly and trying to use it to blackmail her into dating him. And she clearly finds it funny, too, but she's trying to take the decent road, you know?

So yeah, don't be so sure she's all morals and no play. It isn't just the fanfic that says otherwise, it's the writer.

[blacksatinrose.livejournal.com]

*iz blackmailed!*

I've never read a Lily/James! Although they're gonna be in the Sekrit Project so I guess I'll be writing them soon.

*sekritly plots*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*waggles eyebrows* It's never too late to start! Besides, you don't have to worry about me trying for het smut or anything :))!

blackmail is fun!

[blacksatinrose.livejournal.com]

Blackmail is immoral and wrong! And I almost typed immortal, which was probably a Freudian slip, hahaha!

All of which basically comes down to, dude, I have no idea if I'd read a Lily/James. Depends entirely on my mood, because me + fanfic = mixed feelings in general.

As for het smut, why would I worry about that? ROFLMAO!! I'm not squicked by het, you know!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but since I have little to no (all right, no) faith in my success, it's fun fun fun! Like paintball.
...I don't know why I made that analogy o_0

Mostly, I'm used to writing fics -for- people, y'know? If you -wanted- me to write it, I'd write it (or at least it's easier to predict). That's what I meant :>

I know you're not squicked, but like... er... neither would either of us -want- it, particularly. :> I'm guessing :>

[blacksatinrose.livejournal.com]

Oooh, now I see what you mean. But dude, if you were gonna write a fic for me, you've gotta know I'd be biting your heels for Remus/Sirius. Come on, this is me! ROFL!

I can appreciate other pairings, but what, I'm gonna waste a request on something else? Nuh uh!

(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Creepshow is on!)

Anyway. I feel the same way about het smut as I do about slash smut: if there's a reason for it, it's fine. If there isn't, I'm apathetic. I actually have no preference between them, aside from "whatever makes the most sense."

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I've always been wary of writing Sirius/Remus after my hideous attempt at OOC smut, ahahah. Though I have a Remus character study genfic lying around since August where it's post-OoTP talking to Harry stuff... which has S/R undertones I can play up. If I got an angle (this is why it's languishing). Like, what would Remus need/have to tell Harry post-OoTP?

...Come to think of it, you guys could definitely inspire me in this regard :D

I'm kind of excited about writing non-H/D at the moment, though :D (I am pairing monogamous but... er... *coughs* it's an open relationship... yeah, that's it.)

[blacksatinrose.livejournal.com]

Awww, but practice makes perfect! Don't shy away! Embrace it!

(I am totally not biased. ;) Not at all!)

Dude, you cannot be monogamous with an open-relationship. Just say, um, you're on a break. Yeah. ;)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...yeah, it's a definite break :D
I've been reading S/R all of today and I'm all hopped up on Marauder love right now >:D I even have some love for Peter (after that fic). Although when I'm like this, the potential for me writing angst is really low ;))