~~ acting as being
Oct. 19th, 2004 06:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaSo I was thinking about performances. Like, the way I'm self-conscious if I think of my audience on lj, so I can only really write normally (whatever that means) if I pretend no one's listening, and how that influences what I say.... And the whole idea that one can't be fully oneself with other people because one is -always- performing for some sort of audience.... And online personas, right-- how people say they're not like that at all off-line, and how sometimes it could seem that one's online self is diametrically different.
It's horribly inhibiting, to me, actually imagining people's responses -while- I say something, but I think for more extraverted people, that's just normal. They always think of others, and are inhibited as a consequence-- so they might have a desperate need to let go, but it's assumed one can't do that in 'polite society' or whatever. Because to be uninhibited is on some level equivalent to being thoughtless (and rude, vulgar, offensive, etc). Except the internet isn't necessarily 'polite society', depending on whom you ask and where. There's a lot of disagreement on that, isn't there. Regardless, the urge to say what they want to hear or not say anything at all, if I care about their opinion, is almost overwhelming to me. If I don't care about their opinion (meaning, if I don't know them enough to care) then it feels as if I'm being spied upon by some indefinite number of faceless strangers who could be thinking -anything-, and the unknown is a scary concept all by itself unless one blocks it out with the comforting illusion of, for instance, this lj being 'my' space.
I mean, it's really not my space, is it. It's public space, theoretically, since it's publically accessible most of the time, but even so I don't -think- of it as such, which definitely affects how I act. Right now, I am writing only for my benefit. I realize I could get comments, but I usually don't imagine anyone will understand exactly what I mean, necessarily, which is probably why I so often fail to provide context. If I provided context, I'd be performing consciously (rather than unconsciously), which inhibits me to the point of silence.
This is a new concept to me, though I realize it's not actually all that new in general. I don't tend to think of being as an 'act' or an 'action'-- if anything, I resent being judged based on my actions and have always said that what I do isn't really who I am, because I very rarely do what I -really want- (that is, my choices are limited and my energies are focused inward). But being too, is an act. The question isn't really of the inability to judge one based on that act, but rather the presence of full knowledge and context, which is something else again.
Anyway, then I realized that any performance, if it's good, is real. I especially know this whenever I role play online-- that is, consciously combine performance and writing. It just seems to go naturally together, though perhaps that's because I was always inclined towards acting more than I could normally express. Regardless, is any textual 'act' really impactful or believable if it's false? That is, here we'd have the difference between 'not true' and 'not real'. Something can be true without actually being factual-- an performance of any kind, the play for the audience, seems to tap into that.
I had a weird experience co-writing disfigured!Draco last night with several people. To have written Harry's disgust and loathing and obsession felt cathartic for me-- and to read others who picked up on the same thread (while using my precise context) was also exhilarating. But then the thread twisted and the context changed (that is, the story took another turn away from my own exact emotional spot), and I felt alone again, my story once again only mine, but my performance (as part of a group) now public domain. So these two things-- story, performance-- aren't really the same but are connected whenever one -tells- a story or even writes as oneself, because one's self is never really the exact same self twice.
So I may not be myself, may be acting, but if I mean it (that is, feel it) then it's real (really me)...? That's my suspicion, at least.
I wouldn't want to connect a writer's performance with their 'actual' self in a factual, logical sense-- that way lies dementia. But if one believes there is truth beyond facts or rationality, then the constant shifts of an online persona don't have to contradict each other. If you think I'm one way and I think I'm 'really' another way-- those stances can both be valid. Whatever you think I'm doing with this post, you are correct, in other words. It's kind of a scary proposition-- letting go control like that-- but in the end, that means I can retain control of my own space, as well, since my own perception remains pure, overlapping only if I choose to see it that way. I don't know if any of that made sense, btw.
It's horribly inhibiting, to me, actually imagining people's responses -while- I say something, but I think for more extraverted people, that's just normal. They always think of others, and are inhibited as a consequence-- so they might have a desperate need to let go, but it's assumed one can't do that in 'polite society' or whatever. Because to be uninhibited is on some level equivalent to being thoughtless (and rude, vulgar, offensive, etc). Except the internet isn't necessarily 'polite society', depending on whom you ask and where. There's a lot of disagreement on that, isn't there. Regardless, the urge to say what they want to hear or not say anything at all, if I care about their opinion, is almost overwhelming to me. If I don't care about their opinion (meaning, if I don't know them enough to care) then it feels as if I'm being spied upon by some indefinite number of faceless strangers who could be thinking -anything-, and the unknown is a scary concept all by itself unless one blocks it out with the comforting illusion of, for instance, this lj being 'my' space.
I mean, it's really not my space, is it. It's public space, theoretically, since it's publically accessible most of the time, but even so I don't -think- of it as such, which definitely affects how I act. Right now, I am writing only for my benefit. I realize I could get comments, but I usually don't imagine anyone will understand exactly what I mean, necessarily, which is probably why I so often fail to provide context. If I provided context, I'd be performing consciously (rather than unconsciously), which inhibits me to the point of silence.
This is a new concept to me, though I realize it's not actually all that new in general. I don't tend to think of being as an 'act' or an 'action'-- if anything, I resent being judged based on my actions and have always said that what I do isn't really who I am, because I very rarely do what I -really want- (that is, my choices are limited and my energies are focused inward). But being too, is an act. The question isn't really of the inability to judge one based on that act, but rather the presence of full knowledge and context, which is something else again.
Anyway, then I realized that any performance, if it's good, is real. I especially know this whenever I role play online-- that is, consciously combine performance and writing. It just seems to go naturally together, though perhaps that's because I was always inclined towards acting more than I could normally express. Regardless, is any textual 'act' really impactful or believable if it's false? That is, here we'd have the difference between 'not true' and 'not real'. Something can be true without actually being factual-- an performance of any kind, the play for the audience, seems to tap into that.
I had a weird experience co-writing disfigured!Draco last night with several people. To have written Harry's disgust and loathing and obsession felt cathartic for me-- and to read others who picked up on the same thread (while using my precise context) was also exhilarating. But then the thread twisted and the context changed (that is, the story took another turn away from my own exact emotional spot), and I felt alone again, my story once again only mine, but my performance (as part of a group) now public domain. So these two things-- story, performance-- aren't really the same but are connected whenever one -tells- a story or even writes as oneself, because one's self is never really the exact same self twice.
So I may not be myself, may be acting, but if I mean it (that is, feel it) then it's real (really me)...? That's my suspicion, at least.
I wouldn't want to connect a writer's performance with their 'actual' self in a factual, logical sense-- that way lies dementia. But if one believes there is truth beyond facts or rationality, then the constant shifts of an online persona don't have to contradict each other. If you think I'm one way and I think I'm 'really' another way-- those stances can both be valid. Whatever you think I'm doing with this post, you are correct, in other words. It's kind of a scary proposition-- letting go control like that-- but in the end, that means I can retain control of my own space, as well, since my own perception remains pure, overlapping only if I choose to see it that way. I don't know if any of that made sense, btw.
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no subject
Date: 2004-10-19 04:37 pm (UTC)There's also this feeling, at least with me, that I NEED to post serious content--essays, fics, recs as opposed to memes, ramblings, or spurts of self-pity. Maybe this is just me, but there's this feeling that nobody *cares* about my rl. It's like reverse fannish entitlement.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-19 04:53 pm (UTC)Lots of people want real life-- and some people want fandom. I've actually found that what matters is the person rather than the content-- that is, lots of people have stupid meta and some people have a gorgeous talent for talking about themselves. Which might actually inhibit you more since I'm saying 'but it depends on whether you're good', but hahaha, that applies to everything, doesn't it? Oh, and it also depends on whether you care about who's listening-- or not listening. Like, a lot of people get journals & lock them to 20 people they know very well and that's that. I could never do that 'cause to me, even 5 people is too much if I was seriously thinking I'm directly talking to them, and 3000 people is fine if I'm pretending they're not there, lalala :>
no subject
Date: 2004-10-19 08:44 pm (UTC)Heh. Anyway...but otoh, the weird thing is when I'm by myself I almost always talk to an audience. That is, I talk to myself incessently and I'm always talking to somebody or other, and they answer and I answer them back. So maybe that's why it comes so naturally to me on lj. The only difference is the people in my head either always agree with me or disagree with me just so I can explain to them how they're wrong.:-) Or they just ask me to explain things more or ask questions so I can figure out the stuff I need to figure out. We work it out together, me and the people in my head.
Did that make sense or did I just write I'M CRAZY! not in so many words?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-19 09:09 pm (UTC)I don't usually argue with specific people (that I can name) in my head, but I have vague ideas of... 'people' who're there to be my audience. Er. Imaginary friends, y'know. Yeah ^^;;;;;
It's just different, to me, knowing those people are -actually reading-, y'know? Like... I'm much braver with them in my head, 'cause really, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO, y'know. NOTHING, THAT'S WHAT. heh. Whereas in reality-land, if they find me offensive, I'd get upset. Though really, sometimes my inner version of someone finds me offensive too, but then I just take it in stride. Though I've been known to get upset back. But let's not go there :D :D :D
I don't generally want to know about people's 'real' lives-- I want to know what they think & how they feel. That may or may not have to do with what they do every day-- and if it does, usually they tell me so. I'm totally with you on the living in my head dept, and having to push myself to be present-- especially if I don't find the present... er, pleasant or interesting. I'm pretty present at a concert or by the sea, y'know? But yeah, being on a bus gets tedious. Life in general is tedious. I admire the 'life is art' people too, but it's that basic Kiersey-scale thing-- intuition vs. senses. I'm all about the intuition/inward-focus, man. So yeah, I wouldn't have anything to say about my life, either, and not because I'm insecure or anything.
There are different kinds of audiences, then?
no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 05:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 08:38 am (UTC)...people like rants, y'know~:)
no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 08:57 am (UTC)... have you answered the anonymous poll in Aja's lj? I WAS SO TEMPTED.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-21 09:13 am (UTC)BESIDES I LOVE EVERYTHING & EVERYONE ahahaha *cough*
...Yeah, but then, I don't think the people who don't want to discuss are really part of the same fandom, precisely...? The meta-fandom is its own little... thing, and within that people do want to discuss things, I believe...? But as far as the writers, people just write what they want, yah. Which... is understandable :>
no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 06:13 am (UTC)This is where the impasse starts, though, because there's just such a huge misunderstanding of intent between the two groups - and that's because the base approach to the writing is different, I think. I mean, if I am given a text, my first impulse is to comment, you know? I tend not to think about the person behind it. I talk about it as if it were a pro's work, ie not expecting my words to have any impact whatsoever on the author. I don't want to dictate what an author should write... it's a serious miscommunication problem when it's assumed there's a censoring intent behind a criticism. Writing is the author's pleasure, so of course they shouldn't care what I say unless they think I have a point. This also means that meta is the reader's own pleasure and shouldn't be stifled either with demagogic rhetorical tactics like appealing to the onlooking bandwagon's self-righteous obsession with niceness. Betas and concerned admirers can do the constructive criticism part. The readers just want to express an opinion. If that opinion bothers you, the appropriate answer is disagreement, not "Shut up hater."
no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 11:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-10-23 01:55 pm (UTC)*hugs from afar*
Date: 2004-10-23 01:53 am (UTC)Well. Um. *clears throat* Actually to me that's the most exciting writing of all. And I very much appreciate you sharing it.
I actually came by to say that, no matter what you now think about your participation in disfigured!Draco, I really liked your bit and I thought it kicked things to a whole new level. So, thanks for sharing that too.
yr faraway fan / eq
Re: *hugs from afar*
Date: 2004-10-23 10:49 am (UTC)~reena