.....yeah.

Am I getting old? I'm getting old, aren't I. Or maybe just jaded, which is actually scarier. I don't want to be jaded. It's like... brain-rot, or something. When your mind becomes stiff and you can't stretch it to change it anymore. You might as well sell it at a second-hand store or something. But.

People who write about being "edgy" or "counter-culture" are starting to make me groan. Yes, groan.

Kinda scary, 'cause I'm the girl who looks at the dorkiest pink-haired bozo in the Village and gets a starry gleam in her eye. I honestly feel like they're cooler than I am on some basic level of intrinstic -chic-. I swear to god, I eat that stuff up. It's everything glamorous and decadent and fast-burning and... everything I'm not. I don't know -when- I decided I'll never be cool, but I did decide it, I think. I'm not even one of those people who -liked- the idea of geekery... you know, once you think being a geek is cool (and I've been there), you're no longer a geek, really. It's just that simple. Low self-esteem is part of the package, man. Well, it's that or megalomania.

It's no excuse to say that you -have- to be outrageous and wild just because you're "different". It doesn't matter if you're depressive or manic or gay or "rebellious artist" or what, if you're not outgoing-- or more like, if you're not an exhibitionist. Plenty of us nutsos don't stand out at all. Personally, I've always liked that and yet always yearned to escape the clutches of this thrice-damned invisibility. Of course... then I wouldn't know what to do with it. People puzzle me. And... well... that's what it's all about, isn't it.

If I was more outgoing... okay, if I was outgoing at -all-, then it might be different. I might decide I could wear my weird on my outside. I could attract like-minded individuals in that faraway, mythical land we of the Net like to call "rl". You know it doesn't really exist, don't you.

I'm just reading ggreg.com, which is a site for the drag-queen Bohemians among us, or... something. Got it from a link from the Webby awards, which both lj & Fiction Alley have been nominated for. When I saw that about the FA, I pretty much squealed. Heh. It's so sad.

One of the main problems is, what people call "counterculture" is largely composed of posers, these days. The only way to avoid it is to have it be small, really. Barely known. I mean, people just go overboard with it, to the point where -looking- different is more important than -being- different. Sort of how in regular society, you're supposed to -look- the same to signify that you -are- the same. It's such a joke. Cool clothes or "normal" clothes, cool make-up or no make-up... it's all the same.

( So this is like... postcards from the dorky edge. Or something. )