...untitled.

it's funny, finding out you're not alone and it not mattering.

i was looking at cellardoor's old journal somewhat randomly, where she says she thinks of what to say on her lj and mostly can't come up with anything, and how she writes for her friends rather than for herself. witchbabie was for myself. this was always intended to be found, just because i thought linking things was useful. i never intended to talk about `meta' (whatever -that- is, since it's just what i think about, to me), so i don't know if i'd ever thought that was public. but its nature, of course, it seems that `serious' analysis-type stuff should be public, but then, i'm not serious, i'm just rambly. and yet i want feedback, of course. almost always.

i don't want feedback there. i mean, it's okay. and that's a weird feeling. i'm talking to myself but i also know i'm talking to -them-, but since i know (most of) them, it doesn't really bother me-- the silence, i mean. i was always okay with silence. and yet, i find that more than anything, i want to -talk-. not just to myself. i want to talk to my friends, and that's why i post, a lot of the time, even when i have nothing to say, really. i can always find something to say, after all.

i don't think anyone really realizes that. i dunno if i want them to. i do wonder what people think of me-- whether i seem completely lost in my own little abstractified world (well, it's true) and i don't seem -real- at all (like sara says) or whether... i dunno... whether i'm just like a column in a newspaper, like stephen says. i want to be a person. i don't want to be a service, though that's nice. sometimes i think most people online don't see -me-, because the things i say obscure me and reveal something else, something about -them-. which is interesting. i like that. but i feel lost.

i've tried adding people with the other journal without saying anything (and they didn't add me back), but that's a rather awkward and silly way to say, "hey, i like you, i want you to know me". and then i imagine they don't want to know me, but since they have this one friended, they want to know my... what... fandomy ideas(?) even though they mostly don't respond. and i shouldn't take response for interest, but it does correlate somehow, doesn't it?

maybe i should just post here all the time-- i do want to be a whole person-- except that amalin and ish only really respond there, and i'd miss them. and i don't want to just post -there-, because aja & cassie & well, a bunch of you only read -this-. but i don't want to split myself into parts-- this part thinks about this and this part thinks about -that-. i just -am-. on the other hand, i still cling to my original idea of having a fic weblog. it's not a fic weblog anymore at all-- it just meanders and rambles and. people probably think they like me, but they shake their heads, too. and i want to be one of them. i want to be -real-.

i know i said i think literary theory-type stuff should be public, but more and more, the idea of a limited audience appeals to me. maybe i'm getting burnt out in some serious way. i'm tired of the hugeness, of the constant overturn of online fandom, of being so specialized. all the people constantly flitting in and out, saying hi and then going away again, all the random strangers friending me, etc. it feels both like i'm talking to myself and to this huge group of people and yet neither at once, and this would all be fine if i had more "real-life" friends, but i don't.

i was going to post this on witchbabie, but then i didn't. usually, i only post things i consider `of public interest' here, but that just sets me up for disappointment and confusion, i think, because i can't really predict interest and neither do i want to center myself around it since in the end it's unnatural to me.

( *babbles about babbling more* )