~~ gen-fic and perversion.

i think at some point we all snap. me, i snapped a long time ago, but that's neither here nor there.
    ( so why am i rambling about fannish House affiliation exactly? obviously i should be asleep -.- )

~~

in other news. eleveninches is my hero. she wrote a tiny ficlet. go encourage her!!! moooore!!

hee. thinking about how j_h and ps aren't putting me off h/d at all, and are in fact encouraging me, i realized that the sad truth is, i'm just a glutton for punishment. *laughs* i like the impossibleness, i like the anger and the issues and the way draco doesn't deserve harry and how horrible he is. mostly because, while i want characters i love to be happy, i don't need to them to be happy immediately or to be mentally healthy, for that matter. i think conflict and trauma and extremes of emotion and behavior are... well... more interesting than well-balanced interactions. i almost never care about pairings that are too easy. or characters, for that matter. but anyway, horrible bastards make great characters to fall in love with. tee hee. gahd, the torture. torture them with sweetness. woo!
    okay, so it sounds like i have issues, doesn't it. but no, i have the stories have the issues for me. yah, that's it.
~~

reading lasair's latest entry, i was reminded of a nagging thought about the idea of "gen" fic. the idea that gen fic is more like what we normally read, more like published literature. i myself don't go in for gen fic-- published or not: i'm a genre reader by inclination. i like romance, fantasy, adventure, coming of age stories, fairytale-related things. my concern tends to be style and characterization and emotion rather than plot. a plot's interest tends to be proportional to its connectedness for the character development arc of a story.

i don't think it would be fair to say i like melodrama and sappy smut and gratuitous kissing in a story-- i just want these people to matter to me, i want to like them, i want to live inside their heads. the plot is merely a backdrop, a landscape to me. i never liked landscapes in painting, actually. it's not that i want -people- in landscapes, it's just that almost no one draws/photographs emotional landscapes. what's interesting about them is either color, texture, or emotional context. most people just wind up regurgitating a representation of place. this happens to plot, too. all you get is some sort of hodge-podge of ideas, and no real road-map as to why you're supposed to care.

    ( to get back to gen-fic... )

~~

    i'm slowly compiling a whole bunch of stupid recs, which i haven't posted 'cause i haven't reviewed/feedbacked/anything most of them and the guilt consumes me and so i will and -then- i can share. but. kissmeagain (aka charli j), writes hp fic so rarely, and i adore it so much, i had to say something. `one thousand instances left this'. i don't know -why- i love it. okay, i know why, but. see, this is my guilt-free rec where i didn't review, but. okay, i don't know what i'm thinking. gah. some people need to write more h/d. charli j is right up there on my List Of Doom. oh yes. oh yes.

also, i love swamps. love swamps, i do. and moors. and weird marshy places. mmm.

~~ on fandom politics and wibbling and being an obsessive doof.

reading hautemonde's great post on fandom and status and so on, my first reaction was to go "word". that is also my second and third reaction. the problem is, well, that i'm not innocent. in a way i am, because i'd actually like to know whoever i'd wish paid attention to me because i think they're interesting, but. the feeling of contributing in any silent way to fandom politicking and the whole sorry mess sort of makes me sick. i do see people as -people-, but even so i'm guilty of prioritizing them based on how much they impress me (though i don't tend to be impressed by mass opinion or anything).
    in my case, it's sort of amusing because i -could- get what i want (more interaction with whoever), if i actually did the social thing and talked to much of anyone in chat. instead, my own antisocialness and desire to read fic (what i'm here for) instead of talk that dooms this. i -would- talk to y'all, 'cause i think you're brilliant, but i mean, not -only- is there stupid schoolwork but i have all these fanfics i want to read and end up reviewing. i simply don't have time to be in the fandom for the fics -and- for the people.

and it's a good point. the more one is in the fandom, the more it becomes for the people. for most people-- people less freaky and pathetic than me, i guess. because i too, live for your comments (well, the comments of the people i respect and adore, whichever). i die of pleasure if someone who usually doesn't respond to people, responds to me. i feel validated as much as someone would feel validated by a response to their fanfic. i usually think about what i say to someone in a comment, so if i get a reply, i feel like i communicated and we're striking up a connection, there. and i -want- a connection with you if i comment on your journal with any frequency. most likely, i think i like you, and would like to talk to you more. so i mean, while i too squirm with pleasure if you (you, the bnf or whatever) reply, it's not because you're a bnf so much as because i really really admire you, personally.

but of course i don't know if that's all it is, and obviously one's general fandom mojo does affect my impressions of someone. so i guess if i'm super-impressed with you but you're not known for being a distant glorious personage, i guess i'd assume you're busy or whatever. so yes, there's an extra bounce there. and yes, if the bnf/person-i'm-impressed-with -doesn't- reply to me, i feel like i'm not good enough for a reply. but this isn't fandom-related. this is self-esteem related. which is my point.

    ( er. i think you can tell this gets pretty personal right about now ^^; )

but anyway. this is my (extremely messed up) reply to hautemonde's honest, much-needed and in all ways way cool post. i'll just go be social in the dining hall now. or not, because i sit by myself reading in the corner. but hey, whatever works.
~~

EDIT - in other (more upbeat) news, ztrin is one of the coolest people/writers in existence, and the "what do hp characters make you think of" meme is tempting me to do it myself and thus to post twice in one day (the horror! the horror!), but i dunno if i will 'cause i can never touch her utter greatness. *worships like a lowly fangirl* eheheeheh >:D<
    no, i mean it. she's so brilliant i want to sing paeans to her. she's so brilliant i drop over and start twitching. her imagery is so startling and fresh and alive, it catches in my throat and makes me nervous. it makes me look around and see the world in a fresh light. her writing makes me happy to be able to read the english language. it makes me squirm in my seat, delighted that i'm reading this and not doing something else. i'm not angstying anymore. i'm content and buoyant with that peculiar sort of joy that only happens when you read something perfectly in tune with your head.

it is for this that i'm here. this completely crosses over any paranoia, any burn-out, any sort of feeling like i'm too lame and too insecure and i should really get a life. because this is why i live. i live for words that touch me like that, and images, and art and beauty and yes. god, i love this place.