~~ love and wolves and fairytales.

i've finally read it. finally. i read an hp fic about characters i fell in love with (that weren't harry & draco). i adore them. i just adore them. it's not "okay" that they're not harry & draco. the emotions are not even related. i just. i love them. ailei (and khirsah's) remus and sirius. i love them so much. so, so much. this hasn't happened since that first heady time a year ago. wow. wow. wow. but it's just this. just `drawing down the moon'. so much love. love it as much as `brief interval before the resumption of play'. as much as any other fanfic. love it a lot. (you're getting the idea that i love it, right? *grins*)

love stories have usually been about fairy-tales, for me. i would read something just right, read something perfect, that fit inside my heart as if it was made for it-- and it would be a boy and a girl, and they'd be Meant To Be, and i would melt and think, "ahhh. love like that exists. i can find it. they will grow up and live together forever and have children and die in each other's arms. yes."

it would be about them, but it would also be about me. i too, wanted to find that transcendant love. something unbreakable-- something that wasn't so much predestined as inevitable. so right it didn't need destiny. it just existed.
    i told these stories to myself. they were all about beginnings-- i didn't even need a "happily ever after", because they were woven inside the rightness of the beginning. like stitches-- begun correctly, they would continue on smoothly, never really breaking because the weave is so tight and true.

and it was about boys and girls, because they fit together-- yin to yang, push and pull. it was all so symmetrical in my head, i can't even describe it. and the thing was, i was the girl. even though i wanted girls (and myself) to have adventures, to be heroes and to rescue the boy, i still wanted them to have that side-by-side perfect fit-- they would both be themselves, creative and fully alive and yet still complementary. it wasn't that the boy or the girl couldn't do something themselves-- it was that they became a -unit- together. a union. an unbroken circle of taking and giving. somehow it all worked out.

with slash-- with boy/boy romance-- i think the difference is minute (for me), but essential. i'm still all about the fairy-tale, the complementary halves, the ideal of union-- except i don't fit myself into it. it's not a -girl- there, so i don't have to imagine them settling down and having children and growing old together. i still hope they will-- but i don't craft my own life into it. it's not my story. it's everyone's story, but it's not mine. finally, i've separated the fairy-tale from myself and made it be about characters, about ideas.
    if ailei & khirsah's `drawing down the moon' (which, btw, is -so- making me a sirius/remus shipper *laughs*) was about some other two-- if remus was a girl-- i'm fully aware the nine-year-old in me would sigh and want to -be- remus. but i'm not remus. they don't have to get a cottage and die in each other's arms-- even though i'd like it. but they don't have to. i haven't plotted out their whole life for them at first sight. they're living their own story, not a predestined fairy-tale.

i love draco, but i'm not harry. i don't need to be harry. i don't want to be draco (or remus, for that matter). it's a glorious thing~:)

~~ writing & realism & learning not to lie.

deciding to scrap the stupid ending of my harry/cho story, "moonstruck" after someone on ff.net, also known as plebeland, decided to tell me that it wasn't really an R, that it needed more dialogue and romance and to be more "interesting" has made me realize something. i keep writing things just because. i think one reason for my writer's block in any particular story is because i don't want the story to go a certain way. silviakundera has talked about this before.

in the case of "moonstruck", it was supposed to be smut-- i wrote it as part of the het smut challenge. the problem is, i can't imagine harry and cho fucking. i like the idea of the pairing, but it's kind of hopeless in my head. i sort of see where some people are coming from with h/d, i guess. i can write harry/cho-- just angsty and unrequited and rather sadly poignant. i can't write smut. i mean, i can -write- it, but i'd be lying, and i can't stand lying in a story. it gives me severe writer's block.

does anyone else have this problem?

so i decided i'll rewrite it without any need for smut. it's brilliant. the story breathes without this choke-hold of smut, finally. the person saying my fic wasn't R-rated really clicked something in me. i was -lying-. they were right. it isn't R-rated. it wasn't smut. it was stupid surrealist mumbo-jumbo i didn't believe in. god, why did i write it? it's just bullshit. what the hell was that, anyway? why does one write these insane things?

and people tell me it's "surreal" and "descriptive". well, to hell with that! it's bullshit is what it is. it's me talking out of my ass. i have -no- idea what i was saying, so obviously anyone who thinks about it rather than oohing and aahhhing about my language would see it.
    that's the problem with a lot of my unfinished h/d fics. i don't know what the hell i'm saying.

( man. neither then nor now, but i can sure put up a good act, i suppose >< )