~~the importance of being earnest :>

hee. giggling at lasair's post, and trying to think of vaguely shocking things that no one would really think are true about myself. can't think of anything. i'm sure plenty of people have misconceptions about me, but i can't imagine what they are. i mean, first of all, i don't perpetuate them on purpose-- i may withold information i consider boring or embarrassing, but i don't really edit myself. i've been told you can't tell who i am from this journal. i suppose it's true, hopefully-- that my opinions on hp fandom don't define me-- even though mostly, i just use fandom as a starting off point to babble about life, the universe, and everything.

what people think about me is a subject i'm admittedly pretty interested in, since usually people tell me things like, "oh, you're smart", or "sweet" or "quiet" or "wow, you can write" or "you're being weird again" or "you're just loony" (those are the people who like me-- if they don't feel like being nice, they just call me crazy). is that my big secret? i'm actually not as rational/normal as i appear? not that i appear normal. i hope.
    i've been called shallow once and ditzy (shallow by implication) once. i do wonder if people think i'm boring and lame and offensive (that'd be weird, but), and just don't tell me. people are liable to keep things to themselves, and stuff. when i was in junior high,and especially elementary, i could tell enough people thought i was lame, "different", kind of a joke. very few people noticed me, but out of those that did, either they liked me or were boggled by me. on the other hand, they only knew me casually, so i suppose being "nice" and "smart" was all they knew, so it's not surprising they liked whatever it was they thought was me.

( blah blah wibble and reminisce about me and `them' )

that's why fandom bothers me, that feeling of it being a clique within a clique within a clique. because i admire people here, unlike in high school, where 95% of everyone was a moron. here, i admire and i want to be their friend, but i still don't know how. i still see the people i admire be in cliques, in established mini-fandoms. this happens everywhere, of course-- in college, most definitely. i used to resent the computer geek clique-slash-dorm-floor-- the fact that it was a clique, and i wanted in. i hate wanting in, because i spent most of my life wanting out. in my school, all the koreans stick together and all the black new yorkers stick together and all the indians stick together and a lot of the art-theatre-anime-etc geeks stick together. i just sit near them, listening to them, and they ignore me. in fandom, i don't get ignored as much, probably because i actually say something instead of just stalking people~:) instead of social skills, i get by with merely my inability to stop talking to myself.

( or about myself, obviously. see i should never have started.... )