~~so i walk up on high/ and i step to the edge/ to see my world below/ and i laugh at myself...

wah. i'm such a basketcase. but, wibbling aside, i don't know how to express what are basically semi-spiritual (not religious at all, just....) viewpoints without sounding like a milquetoast sentimental fool. at a certain point, when i'm talking about possibilities rather than necessarily realities, i forget how to be entirely rational, and i don't know if i have to be. when i say "redemption", people snap to some sort of christian ideal, and i don't mean that at all. when i say you don't have to be trapped by who you are, i don't mean you could become a saint. just because i struggle with the ideas of good and evil, doesn't mean i accept them in the first place.

this song. i want to see more viewpoints like that. i want to see love as being a revelation about yourself. not going anywhere, but merely acknowledging the madness and the need to let go of illusions. any two people i write in love-- but especially if i see them as laboring under illusion-- is it too much to want to break it? is that sentimental of me? just because i don't have the answers, do i need to accept the ones that other people think are inevitably sewn into the fabric of "reality"?

now, okay. see, i'm taking two philosophy courses this semester. take pity on me. you might say that there are places enlightenment and seeking a deeper truth shouldn't penetrate. i don't believe it. i see this idea of being a death eater, of being bound to an ideology, of being born and bred to be a certain way (savior or follower, destroyer or redeemer-- and note, riddle thinks of himself as a redeemer even as he destroys)-- i see it there as a challenge, as something that exists to be challenged. it's like-- i can never separate my desire to write about heretics, to write about non-conformism. now, you can write about that by writing about conformists, true. but i think that's too narrow. i want to write about being both. i want to write/read about draco opening his eyes. and not becoming good. and not becoming great. and not even becoming palatable.

this are so much more complicated than that. if you forget about fiction, and think about real people, you realize that. you realize that even merely -realizing- who you are, where you are-- even realizing what choices you are making-- letting that touch you-- even that self-awareness is already more than most people attain. i'm tired of black and white. i'm tired of people using the Mark as the be-all-and-end-all. i'm tired of the simplistic morality inherent in so many stories.
    all i want is an approach towards self-realization-- i don't need its attainment. if anything, that's beyond the scope of most stories set within a year or two. all i want is an opening up of these characters-- seeing where you could take them, seeing where they could take you. i'm not about to claim there are any easy answers, but i think 99% of h/d stories anyway (my field of relative expertise), whether they're in-character or not, imply them.

you know what's funny? verdant05 recently said that she wants to see a serious dealing with Issues in fanfic, and i rather scoffed and said, "oh, that's asking too much," sort of. heh. and here i am, implying (even if unsuccessfully) paradoxes that stumped famous philosophers. but it's not about answers, anyway. that's what i'm saying. it's not about answers. it's about questions.

( yesterday, writing about this, i made even less sense, i think. )

~~

oh. and fyrie's lucius pic is... wow. i actually like it ><
    EDIT - gah. antenora can do no wrong. her latest h/d ficlet simply -owns- me. waahhhh.

~~gratuitous fic post. `what follows'. h/d. gar.

so, i listened to too much coldplay while hungry and sick with cold (as i am too lazy to take my next dose of cold-medicine), so here comes weird h/d fic sort of in response to hackthis' `unlabeled'. but not really.

( and so without further ado, my very randomly finished flclet. damn my muse, damn her/him/them to hell. `what follows'. h/d. but wait for it. wait for it. i will write tom/dumbledore, you know i will. )