~~the beautiful and the wicked.

er. so now it's officially winter.

you know, the time of year where i get depressed along with all the other sensitive souls, and wish i could just go to sleep and wake up when spring comes along. the time of year when beauty seems in short supply and my energy runs dry and i can't get myself to do absolutely -anything-.
    i don't know why i'm bringing this up. this seems almost journally and not related to harry potter and um. i'm not a journaller. it's like not being an english major. i'm not one of "them". it leaves me with my small shred of pride that i decided to invest in it.
    i wouldn't normally let myself start on beauty and sadness and endings and winter. i usually just write poetry and stories if i feel i need to express something-- i mean-- what's the point of just -writing-? what is just -writing-? if i started, and it really -clicked-, i think i'd want to make it something. i mean, if i'm really buzzing and something's really -getting- to me, it's art, just like that, it seems. but there was this and this and while they were writing about the bleaching of beauty, it was so beautiful... and i wish it helped to say, but you, you are the beauty in the midst of winter, but i know it doesn't, really....we are all beautiful even if we're dying.

will i start seeing you get sadder and sadder with every week? i don't go outside, i don't even need to see the snow, i can -feel- it, my bones feel thinner, the light doesn't seem to penetrate, and i -know-. this is the time of year where everything is wearing and nothing is bursting.
    but even though there's no helping for it, and it's going to happen no matter what, it's just-- not true. so many-- so many words-- so many hearts and spirits burning-- burning into me. so beautiful. i mean, i don't need to name you, you know who you are, don't you? don't you?

it doesn't help. i mean-- i can feel it, always-- i don't ever say, i can't feel the beauty-- especially in winter. especially when it's harder to touch, especially when it's dying, it's more sharp to me. like minor chords, like a memory of rain and darkness and streetlights flickering, and hope. if it flickers, and you run towards it, and you can never quite touch it-- you're always doing that-- you're always walking and walking and never reaching-- shadows dancing beside you, but never touching. well-- but that is also beauty.
    you're still sad, and it still hurts, but that is poetry-- it hurts, and it eludes you, and you wake up crying because beauty doesn't mean happiness, it just means-- well-- it's just what's keeping you alive. as long as the words and the images and the lights are flickering out of reach, that candle's burning.

have any of you read that fairy-tale?
    with the three candles in the well, and the deal with the devil? life like a candle, and the choices we make-- flickering, flickering. all that's left of that fairy tale now are images, emotions. i couldn't retell it to you. i've read so many. my mind is bursting with them-- i have to write them down. *sigh* again.

~~
( `winter's heart' - a fable of sorts. it could be them, or it could be you, or it could be me. )

~~
um.

see what i mean? um. can't talk about this without lapsing into lala-land ^^;;
    in other news. vanityfair wrote `atrophy', which i can't even -describe-, except to say it really shouldn't have melted me and made me dissolve into little gooey weepy pieces, but it did. it's just-- so funny and perverse and touching and hot, and beautiful and unique and so aja. gah. *adores*

also, i wrote a Trilogy slash manifesto for `armchair'. *laughs* as if i needed to.
    EDIT: it's official. i'm being weepy for like, no. good. reason. this guy named moroboshi listed me as a favorite author-- and has `the truth about demons' as a favorite story on ff.net. ok, this may seem stupid-- but that's not a fanfic..! that's my lucifer/adam slash, and like i've never gotten any feedback on it~! like, zero. *cries* and... and... and.... someone liked it...! mmmph. no, scratch that. someone READ IT...!..!
    ...and i'm not even pms'ing ><;;