*giggles*

um. more meaty stuff... later. i'm sleepy and i'm writing draco/ginny (erm. yah, later) so... i just thought i'd share the utter joy.

i found this anime h/d art site, which basically has the cutest harry & draco that ever lived-- but besides that-- *titters*

this just kills me. i mean... meep! it's all sweet and innocent and `awwww' and `that's draco and haaaaaryyyy' and then i'm like....

><;;

er. his hand... *dies*
i notice where his -hand- is. and i'm like.
oh YES, now -that's- draco and harry. *grins like a maniac*
*decides to wait on finishing the draco/ginny and just revel in the perfection that is those two, having ...*coughs* quality time together.*
    scarf-grabbing!draco... *melts* i... am... such... a plebe. *facepalms* someone must write a fluff fic for this...mmmm... blushing!harry & devious!draco *swoons* and now this brings back some childhood memories, lemme tell ya... (and no it's not two guys ...erm. anything. perverts ;p )

mm, raven!snape. it so, so fits.

oh, and of course i had to make an icon-- or two~~:)

~~wide open.

whoah, they're having geeks in (game) commercials now-- and i mean, real geeks, acting really geeky [heh, i mean the tekken IV ad]. the geeks -are- taking over. heh heh. aww yeah.

anyway. may i squee? yes i may, in fact, it's entirely what i made this journal for, anyway. so um. buffy. have you guys seen this season's opener?? *laughs* oh spike-- poor, insane, self-injurous spike, how i loff thee. i mean, him touching her chin, and the chemistry, and the insanity, and the pissy dead people. vintage buffy. although like, i'm scared, because i'm seeing Subtext with buffy & the principal, which is, excuse me, ick, and i mean -ick-. but otherwise-- entirely worth the effort to get in front of the tv on time. and those bits where james marsters pimped `haunted'-- which is an ok show-- i like the main guy, even though it's reminding me of `brimstone', which was a bad, bad, bad show. oh and i love, `i just want to be willow'!willow (but is her hair artificially orange now or is that just me??) ahh, dumbledore references-- what else do i need?
~~
i read this bit of draco/ginny by impudent_rabbit (on a dare), and while it didn't squick me, and i enjoyed it-- it wasn't sappy and i could see it happening, definitely could be draco. i angsted a lot before i read it though-- just because-- if i did admit to the possibility that it could work, or was something i could see draco doing-- i just, get so mad at him (draco i mean), i don't even want to read -anything- about him anymore. if i gave it reality inside of my own head, i felt like it could hurt me, like it could break the delicate balance of faith and need and hope that my romanticism rests on. i mean, i got to the point where i was so far gone i was like, well if he's with ginny he could just die and i wouldn't care, i wouldn't care if he died in that fic, because i was just beyond caring about him. er. yes i know i was taking it an eensy-weensy bit too serious. but anyway. so i decided to face my demons, so to speak, and write a draco/ginny of my very own, in a sort of `i'd rather break my own heart, thankyouverymuch' spirit.
    and of course, since it's difficult, i'm actually putting thought and effort into it, and it's not the most horrid thing i've ever done, i don't think. i'll post it, and i suppose that'll be it, and i can be just a little less pained by the idea in the future-- though i don't think so. in my -own- head it's ok-- i'm doing it, and -i- know that it's not really "real" and -i- know that this is just an exercise, whereas -other- fics are threatening to my own inner image of what draco does/is, because after all i built him from the gestalt of all the fics i've read......
~~

i don't really want "realistic" or "probable" in my literature. i just want things that make me want to believe, that make me feel it-- whether it's gritty inner-city life or faery palace intrigue. it sort of bothers me, that based on what people know about the world, and how things "usually work", they say that harry & draco aren't likely to "work out". not really, not in the end-- we love him but we don't really think he's going to change. and after all, if he changed, he wouldn't be the boy we loved, anyway, or the boy harry loved, for that matter. it's that basic incompatibility-- between the future and our desire. between our imagination and the inescapable aspects of who we are. i believe that imagination, need, desire, can shape us and that if we are brave, we can become more than we ever thought we were, or could be.

it's not really about proof, or probability, because if it was, love would never happen in the first place. i just want to see the bigger picture-- i want to see the possibilities. i don't want literature to tell me what is most obvious-- i don't need to be shown how really, it's all hopeless and then we die. i mean, yes we die-- and things end-- and love isn't forever. but you can sort of use stories to show how everything's connected, and dependent on each other, how one thing leads to another, how choices shape our destiny, and how different choices could've changed it. it all comes back to the exercise of will. free will doesn't have to triumph, but i'd really rather it existed. i'd really rather the character was challenged to be the most aware they could be, and i'd really rather there were no easy answers. because really, it's not about answers anyway, and just about continuing to ask them, not giving up and pretending it doesn't matter anymore even though you know it does.

i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.
i used to hate `great expectations'-- i mean-- i hated how it didn't matter, in the end, that they'd loved each other, that it was too late and there was nothing either of them could do, and pip just learned his lesson and went on with life. i hated `peter pan' and how it didn't matter that wendy loved him, because he was forever young, forever too young to understand what she meant. even though i loved the story, i hated thinking it had to be like that, and i knew it didn't. i wanted-- no, needed-- to tell stories where it wasn't. i've never based this on my own experience-- in my experience, things don't work out either. in my experience, the impossible doesn't happen-- but maybe that's why i believe, even though most of the time i don't know what it is that i believe in. the future, maybe. i think we don't know what we can do, and we don't know what's possible, and we don't know the truth and so we can find out.

so what's going to happen with harry and malfoy? i don't know. you tell me. it's wide open, isn't it?
~~

and of course, since i haven't linked enough (since i can -never- link enough), just in case anyone reading this hasn't-- these are the fics that made me glow and be happy i'm still reading hp slash. there's mistful's Chains, ishuca's of fingernails and butterbeer & good luck charm: the cutest (and believable, too) 5-year-old!harry&draco i've seen, not that i've seen any others ^^;;

none of these suffer from an excess of realism (not in -plot-, there's just, believability, based on personal quirks and desire). if they had anything in common-- not that they do, really-- it would be in their playfulness with double-truths of desire and actuality, and the places where the boundaries get thin. you could suddenly just fall through the looking glass, and touch a world and a self on the other side of the spectrum from where you'd always found yourself before-- and then, just as quick, everything takes on the guise of ``normality", with no one the wiser to the possibilities but you. there are so many ways to get there, to this other world, where the impossible is actually true, and obvious, and deliciously hot, in the case of the chainslash anyway (and when i say hot, i mean `quicksilver' hot, i mean `commencement' hot, i mean... really hot). there's obviously desire, but there's also innocence, and memory, and imagination, and just-- the insane mystery that is other people. anyway. i really need to get to some fics (*is ashamed of self*), so.....