~~how soon is now~

you wouldn't know it, but i'm actually suffering from an attack of fatalism. yea. i'm not nearly as idealistically bubbly as i think i am, sometimes. actually, secretly, i don't expect things to work out. so i seek out stories where they do work out, exactly as i want them to, since really, i can't seem to write those. i mean, i suppose i can pull a happy ending out of my ass, but that seems-- well-- like admitting defeat. the problem is, i can't really write angst, where there's actually sad, tragic things going on. nope, all i can write is confused, pathetic wibbling. i guess they say, "write what you know", heh. i want to be convincing, but i can't. i want to reassure myself, but i can't. i mean, i believe it's -possible-, and -needed- and beautiful, if it happened. but how does it happen?? i have like, no idea. how to you get from point a) misunderstandings and hang-ups and depression and angst and fear to point b) resolution and openness and lots of shagging and being true to yourself and.... how does anyone actually -do- that whole couple thing, anyway? i mean, i know -i- can't do it very well. i don't know anyone personally (very well) who's a whiz at it, either. most couples i know of in real life are pathetic. no, not tragic. not painfully sad. pathetic.

i think there's a major conflict between emotion and reason, when it comes to these things. emotionally, i can just "have faith". i don't need to -explain- how it works. it just works! woo! chemistry! "meant-to-be"ness, at work! you don't need to have a treatise as to why (say) buffy and spike will actually fit like a glove, if they bother to put it on. they just will! you know they will! i mean, no it's not because they work at it, and figure things out. i mean, you have this feeling that they need each other, and so they just instinctually take what they need, and give back and boom! relationship. yea. i know. doesn't work that way.

in my experience, things could have so much promise, so much possibility within them. and they fail for these minute, `stupid asshole' reasons. i try to think, ok, we all know in the buffy/spike pairing, spike is way pathetic-- but hey, buffy isn't as pathetic, maybe... maybe she can help him! and like, yea, draco's way pathetic, but harry isn't, and....

except he is, isn't he? well he is, when i begin to write him. i can't seem to help it. sucks, really. hey, like, it'd be so cool if people were actually like the way draco is in "draco veritas" (to pick an example off the top of my head). there are a lot of people, of course, so some of them must be like that. damn, i wanna meet them. would they look down at me? --no of course not, that'd reflect negatively on them.

so, i write what i know. it's a bit sickening, really. or maybe it's just gotten to be this way, ever since my actual life experience started beating me over the head again, saying, "reena, you didn't actually think you were -home free- did you? noooo, there's much more patheticness waiting for you, around the corner. yum, patheticness!"

just recently i was writing self-deprecating-but-not-quite-pathetic stories. i still didn't know where i was going, but at least... at least...that seemed like a good thing. sort of like, i could write the beginnings and leave the endings for someone else. good trick, huh? i don't have to get pathetic, because i refuse to go beyond the first stage. then i started my other hp story, set "after" a relationship fizzled. ick. it's fun to write but it's really sapping me, it seems, in the "true romance" vibe dept. i dunno if this means i should -stop-. hm.

well...
( here goes a happyish beauty&the beast ficlet i just wrote. yeay for happy endings, etc etc... )