reenka

As far as I can tell, I don't really 'disapprove' of anyone's kinks, as far as they're shown in stories or fantasies or whatever, in a judge-and-jury political way. Surfing mindlessly the way I do, I found a site about crucified women. And it struck me that my reaction-- my morbidly fascinated horror-- is just about... my reaction to darkness. This is about my struggle to accept and overcome what I see as... basically, the nightmares that consume people.

I mean, as far as anything that hurts, humiliates or takes away the absolute free will of a sentient being-- thinking about it, wanting it, doing it, and mostly just enjoying it in whatever form-- I can't help but see that as darkness. And it's not a black-and-white sort of thing, nothing that I could point fingers at because I'm so "pure", no. It's just... a spiritual thing far more than a political thing, and it's harder to avoid in fanfic than in general because of the heavier than usual mixing of people in the community. Generally, I suppose anything too horrific gets swept under the rug and kept almost completely apart to the point where one can pretend it doesn't exist.

So many things are so deeply horrific in the media.... I myself am so sheltered, as far as what I directly experience. I can't even watch horror movies without divorcing myself from them almost completely. I mean... it seems to me there's a thin line between one person's kink and another's horror, and judgement isn't helpful, but is writing off dark things as "kink" the only way to deal with it?

Most people would be practical here: saying that, in effect, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can't hurt me-- especially since one could -avoid- those words.

As for myself, the question concerns me. I write dark things under great personal cost (it drains me), because it's there, within me. The rage, the bile, the fear-- they're all there, clamoring to get out. Art is a great outlet for things like that, a way to transform one's negative emotions into something that could be beautiful or at least... worthwhile in some way. I don't know. But then... I don't enjoy it; for me, it would defeat the purpose of writing/drawing it, which is to get it away from me.

Perhaps I think of darkness as always having something to teach us. Perhaps I think that going through it without one's ears open and one's heart clinging to the light can't help but scar one, even as going through it with one's heart fully open would scar one. But those scars are important-- vital, even. They're like badges of selfhood.

I'm thinking of a metaphor of going into the underground, maybe; into Hades. I know I take art (and kinky/dark porn) rather more intensely and personally than most people, but I can't help that. I'm just sensitive and naive, as I said. Anyway, what I'm saying is... while sweet, uplifting things (stories, art) are easy on the mind, don't challenge one towards self-awareness or vigilance, darker things require everything one could give of oneself, it seems to me. Dark things always want you; are always dangerous to think about or to touch. I always get upset when I think the person touching them isn't aware of the danger, isn't taking it seriously enough. Dark things (fear, hatred, the need for pain, the desire for vengeance, bitterness) will contaminate you if you're not careful. It's like they ask you to be stronger than they are. Not only that, they demand it.

Okay, I think what I'm really saying is... I see certain dark fantasies-- the 'casual kink' sort, that is-- as being intrinsically desensitizing, which really bothers me. I worry that these people are consciously choosing not to relate to these made-up people as -people- on purpose, so that they can enjoy their suffering in some way. This seems deeply wrong to me. If in fact they -are- empathizing, then they're projecting the suffering onto themselves, which seems far from psychologically healthy also.

What I seriously want is a rigorous psychiatric work-up of this sort of dark fantasy behavior, that's what I'm saying. I'd like to see some data as to how some people's fantasy life correlates to their relationships with others and overall emotional capacity for trust and empathy, and what this habitual assumed suspension of empathy effectively means for them.

So seeing fics/art about enjoying pain & darkness worries me because it's like the people who like or create them aren't necessarily being sensitive to what they're seeing/doing. I'm afraid they're not being aware, emotionally, empathically, of exactly what they're talking about. They're using these pieces of nightmarish fantasy to distance themselves from themselves, it seems to me; and while they're not looking, perhaps the negativity sinks a little deeper into their subconscious minds.

You know what they say about children? How they can't handle certain things? How their innocence is precious because their responses to life are so fresh and undiluted? How they don't know enough to really hate yet?

It seems to me that enough desensitization, and one is getting to the point where one is suffocating one's inner child, the core emotional self that becomes pretty much developed by age 12. I think it's possible-- and desireable-- to retain a sort of child-like ability to view the world for the rest of one's life. And this means retaining a real, undiluted sense of horror at others' lust for pain. There are very very few children who like their own pain, as far as I know, and very few -healthy-, well-adjusted children who enjoy someone else's pain.

Now, I realize that a number of people never actually had healthy, trust-filled "innocent" childhoods in the first place, and their fantasy lives end up being accordingly twisted, so they use them to deal with the pain and torn trust and innocence that's already there. In that case, they are basically working with what's there-- trying to 'digest' their darkness, make it manageable (a technique I'm well-familiar with). That doesn't make the process be -enough- though, does it. One eventually needs to separate oneself from one's early horrors and try to reclaim one's basic center apart from one's dark memories, it seems to me. Not forget-- not ignore-- just... reclaim lost ground, working backwards.

Besides hormones and some brain development, it's really memories that separate jaded adults from their childhood selves, right? And memories... the awareness of what the world is "like"... the learned capacity for sadism-- can't one let those things go and see what lies beyond?

I know this is all over-simplified and idealized, but that's what I really want to believe could be achieved. I hate the idea that we're stuck like this, in some sort of eternal ugly (sexual) union with our own pain. That's just... beyond depressing; it's fatalistic. I... I want to believe in the power of the human heart to heal; to move forward in ways to defy logic or linear development. I want to believe that it's not strictly necessary to -accept- that we're chained to our pain, and moreover chained to either enjoying it, denying it or perishing from it.

I feel that this is different than the Jungian idea of 'loving one's Shadow self', though. One's Shadow (the dark side of things) isn't necessarily about pain and torture and fear so much as... everything that one -isn't-. I think one can accept as well as struggle with the "darkness" without... I dunno... becoming a part of it. Without courting it whole-heartedly. I feel like maybe one can grow strong enough to understand it and to see it truly. As it is. And I feel like at that point, it loses a lot of its power, becoming inert. Not harmless but rather transformed.

And... ultimately... ideally... this would lead one to see -oneself- (as well as others) truly, without the simplifications and distinctions of Light and Dark. And though being alive means one couldn't escape fear or pain... perhaps eventually, the understanding could allow one a sense of... balance. Nothing like paradise or perfect happiness or anything like that.... just not to live one's whole life in -reaction- to things, in -escape- from things, in -fear- of things, in -hatred- of things, in -lust- of things, even. Without that... I think the darkness would retreat on its own; enough so one could truly reclaim that childhood possibility of wonder.
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EDIT - Just in case. er. This is just. -not-. (not!) directed at anyone in fandom. And stuff. And not even at the site with the crucified women (which. wasn't even that bad... maybe?).... I'm. Sorry if I seemed scary/judgemental/naive-- again. I mean well! I know I'm always messing with this subject and always... running the risk of being offensive but I just. Keep. Questioning, that's all. Not answering, just questioning. Asking -why- the things that disturb me, disturb me. Why, why, what does it mean, who are these other people, what does pain teach them/me/someone. Wishing... that... people never hurt each other. Always wishing.

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And. Ella Enchanted is a movie! Fweeeee! :D
Also... Sara... *wibbles*. Er. Watch this space. *hides and beats muse*
yes, one day I'll say 'happy birthday' -without- the present being ready, too. one day. *coughs*