[breakage]

[reenka]

I'm just drowning.... just drowning in it. The Spike/Buffy, I mean. Why do I always manage to latch onto the most popular pairing, anyway? It's not as if I -try-. *sigh* My obsessions come and go, with some things. I'm just reeling, there's so much to take in. Partly, I just wanted to say I'm on a sort of... er... sabbatical? Because I've not been reading my friends' list or anything HP-related for more than a week now, and the last time this happened was last winter, when I read insane amounts of Highlander. That took like, a month or something, didn't it? Not sure.

Initially, I took up with fanon!Draco because he was kind of a version of Spike (in my head), and I... I guess I'm just a big-time sucker for that. Then time passed and I realized that really, Draco is pretty much nearly nothing like Spike... and this is a good thing.... But a part of me just misses that meatiness, that ability to dig in and really let the character's canon strength blow me away. With Draco, it's all building up carefully and believing in potential and seeing beneath the surface....

With Spike, though... all that passion, all that energy, all that raw emotion-- it's all right there in every clip of him. *sigh* When I see that part of `Once More With Feeling' where Spike sings the first time to Buffy... it just breaks me. I think Draco first came to me just like that-- raging and needing and frustrated, going nearly insane. That's at the center of it-- the raging love, the seething, fragile emotion that transfigures, blinding with its power. The spot at the center of the storm where love and hate collide, where they're one and the same. And from it, something emerges-- something new and delicate and -real-....

Maybe that's the Ultimate Hero story, I don't know. The hero who comes through by the strength of their heart alone, in the end, and nothing else matters. They save the day. -He- saved the day. Because that's what Spike has, in all its myriad aspects, isn't it? A (burning, sizzling, breaking, screaming) heart. And that can be so ugly and dangerous and not enough-- and it doesn't equate with soul or conscience or any other "finer" aspect of humanity. It is raw and bloody and honest. It is no more and no less-- an existence without apology. A heart can be black-- it can beat with rage and hatred and fear and love with equal ease. But in the end... one hopes... one hopes it's unstoppable. One hopes that's all the redemption anyone needs. I mean, I don't know how to apply this-- but it seems that following one's heart is all one can ever know of "Good"-- or purity, for that matter.

I've always imagined the same sort of desperate purity of emotion in Draco. I always thought they had at least this in common-- this refusal to ever -let go-. To ever give up. This voracious, maddening, arrogant stubbornness that's at the root of survival. And I want them to live. I want their heart to burst within their chest and change things, because this is beyond good & evil, beyond choosing sides. It's just-- living-- breathing-- love.

See you on the other side, all.

Comments

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

You will, of course, provide recs. *eyes narrow* I may not like Spuffy, but I love a good story.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

reeeeeally? really really? you mean it?? you wanna seeeeeee??? *bounces up and down*

i was trying not to, you know, because, um. who would -care-, and so on... so i was painstakingly -not- collecting links for fics and such... but! but!! YOU WANT! I LINK!

should I have a buffy filter, then? 'cause. yes :D :D :D!! or! should i make a buffy recs page?? *ponders*!

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

Either! I love Buffyfic, but I never have the patience to weed through archives. Everything I get is through recs, and most of the recs sites I hang out at are gen or slash. :-?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

okay then! :D! i also have piles of vid sites to rec-- okay, at least 10-- and they're not all spuffy. there are -mad- amounts of buffy vidders out there, it's crazy. not nearly so much smallville or highlander people, though i'm prolly just out of the loop.

the cool thing i've noticed so far is how connected the slash & het contingents are in buffy fic/fandom-- at least half the fics have bi spike in that they have angel-boinking references or the same sort of tongue-in-cheek slashiness that the show had. it's so cool! wheeeee!! :D :D!

prolly the only reason i'm not at all -in- buffy fandom is that i -totally- don't slash it, and i consider myself a slasher so it's embarrassing. but i sorta slash buffy/faith now after some vids i've seen. *EVIL LAUGH*

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I really like the canon pairings in Buffy, so I mostly stick to genfic, and the occasional Spike/Xander, because hey, hotness.

[lasultrix.livejournal.com]

Do you watch Angel? At all? Because it's Slash Heaven. As opposed to Buffy, which has canon femslash and no subtext at all.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heh. Well, the problem with that is, I don't tend to slash for the sake of slash :> Though... mmmm, that scene early this season with past!Angelus & Spike :D :D
I watch it very sporadically, but it doesn't have the juvenile air and silliness I adore so much in Buffy. The geeky jokes, y'know. For me, it's all about the geeky jokes-- hell, even Spike makes 'em. heee!
Also... I have... issues with Angel. He's such a pillock. Also, he's not my type. Also, he's like... Broody Restraint Boy. Ergh.

There -was- that look Spike gave Xander, though~:)

[stephstar.livejournal.com]

hey. you dont know me, i kinda stumbled into your lj and it was quite ironic because for the past day or so my friend and i have been watching a buffy marathon.

you worded the appeal spike holds so eloquently, im actually really jealous i cant write stuff like that! i was watching him thinking of an older draco too and just... well... i was intrigued to find another person harbouring the same thoughts i had.

oh by the way, do you mind if i friend you?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that is quite weird. There's a lot of coincidences in the world... well, especially online. Someone is always thinking about the same thing you are, except online you have a pretty good chance of proving that conclusion.

Heheh I was just thinking that this post sounded melodramatic and over-the-top, heh. I get like that, listening to that Buffy vid to "The Other Side". Oh man. But yes. Friend away. It's open season on the friending, generally, unless someone makes it very clear otherwise~:) Though um... generally I just babble about H/D a lot :>

And I do think that while it does make sense to imagine older Draco as Spike, I don't think that'd be in character, actually, and no one's actually written that, anyway ^^:

[ljash.livejournal.com]

Hey, a bit of a non sequitur but just to increase your insanity, did you see the second Harry Potter movie? Did you notice that Draco looked exactly like Spike? I even saw a studio shot for him for that movie and it looked like a studio shot of Marsters ('cept for being about 25 years younger). I saw it instantly but nobody else has. At all. I mean, sometimes they agree when I point it out, but hell! He dressed like Spike, moved like him, had the same facial expressions and tilt of his head and swaggering walk. I thought it had to be intentional, or at least had to be the contribution of some Buffy fan in the HP movie group.

[ljash.livejournal.com]

PS (actually relevant)
Spike has always been all heart. Or at least all emotion. That's what distinguished him from lots of other vampires even in season 2. Dru had passion but he genuinely tried to take care of her as well as having the whole twisted-blood-passion thing.

hmm there might be mroe to say but i gotta go