reenka

The weird thing I'm realizing is that I'm losing touch with my Draco.

I always say he's a stronger presence in my subconscious than my Harry (and seriously, he is, because he's more emotional!) but... all this 'Draco is a pathetic loser' stuff I've been thinking lately has been making my Draco muse unhappy. That is to say, it's not that I ever thought he was 'cool'. It's that I used to ignore that aspect of seeing him from the outside completely. I don't care what my characters look like to other characters. I just care about what they feel-- and my Draco is very intense, so I love him. He loves, hates, rages, needs, resents, etc. It bothers me that this is not what most people love or want about him, and.... seeing him from the outside just makes me wilt.

I love only one HP character from the outside-- that's Ron. I love Harry mostly from the inside but partly from the outside. With Draco though, my love of him is all the inside and almost no outside. I don't like his outside in particular, but only as it relates to his emotions-- so vain prissy drama queens do nothing for me, whereas anger and hatred and obsession are something I feed on in characters. From the outside, Draco is... often fake. He doesn't say what he means, he's closed-minded and whiny and physically, he's not even my type-- so there's a huge difference between all the passion I love about him and how he acts, generally. Probably why I keep making him blow up, actually. I just get so impatient with the repression. I love repressed characters (Spock, Snape, Heero), but writing them is near torture for me.

It's sort of like... the difference between loving his obsessiveness and not liking what he's obsessed with (if you don't count harry). People who say he's a slimy stupid little git or whatever-- they're just seeing him completely from the outside. I just don't -care- what he is, as long as he angsts and needs and craves, basically. He'd started out as a tool to express my own rage/frustration/obsessiveness/inability to connect with the things that matter, and that's how he still really -works- for me. On that meta (I guess?) level rather than the literal 'this is a boy I like' level.

It's like, I love Draco, but it's that burning rotten intense core of him that I love. It's that vile magma, that raw seething discontent, that burning dissatisfaction. Somehow that translates into 'sex' for me. So it's not a question of me respecting him, 'cause to me he's just a little boy who needs to grow up before he's of interest as far as 'Ego'. how can one respect Id? That's what i love about him-- his Id.

Draco is like a metaphor for 'Need' to me, in a different way than Harry is. Harry is more... rounded, I guess? Has more aspects. He's not representative-- he has an ego. My Draco sort of has an ego but really he's very simple in my mind-- he's all basic drives and immature cravings and stubborn pursuit of those things. He is a boy, and I want him to be a boy-- immature, desperate, awkward, stupid, really-- but at the same time, he's a metaphor. That's just how my mind works. I miss my metaphor, a bit.

It's also funny 'cause my Harry always lusts after Draco (though it's a bitch to get him to love him), but what he lusts after isn't what he sees (the obvious things) but what he feels (the things Malfoy tries to hide deeper, that he can almost but never really quite touch). Which sounds really weird and maybe messed up, but more love than lust, isn't it?
~~

EDIT - Since I wrote that yesterday... on second thought, perhaps it's more that my Draco is going through some sort of... shift or transformation, and I'm just panicking. I'm just... unsure, the way I used to be unsure of Harry. I'm so... focused on Harry and worried that how I see Draco is how -Harry- sees Draco that it all gets weird and meta and... wanky ^^;;;