~~ kill your darlings.

[reenka]

thamiris asked in her last post for people to post links and explanations for what they think of as their best fic. And I realized I don't -have- a "best fic". I have this mindset where I don't actually feel like I deserve attention and readership before I'm ready-- before I've done "it". And "it" would be the story where I fulfill my potential, somehow. I'd show people my story and it'd be like-- see? I can do this. When I said I was a writer, this is what I meant. When I said I believe this-and-this about this particular character, -this- is what I meant. This story would be a reflection of me. I could stand behind it as a work of art-- as a labor of love. As something I could be proud of.


In a way, I'm proud of every story I've ever written, 'cause generally I've had fun writing them. But that's the problem, too-- I've had fun but I never really pushed myself. All my favorite stories are the ones not finished yet-- the ones in my head or only halfway on paper. I can sort of see them in their amorphous potentiality and sigh, because they're still a part of me. Still gestating, and I'm still in that infatuation stage of fic-love where I can do anything and maybe I will.

It's not that I have regrets about my finished stories, exactly. But they all seem so narrow in their appeal to me now. I see all I -didn't- say as much as all I -did- say. When I think of the story I'm most proud of, I think of my two unfinished long-fics. Not even my H/D semi-epic-- I'm rather proud of the other one, the one about post-OoTP Harry, simply because post-OoTP Harry means so much to me and I think I've -got- it in that one. I've got it. If only I can get that last bit of it down, I'd just be so happy because no other subject had meant so much to me aside from my DV10 tribute fic, and I can't exactly say I'm most proud of -that-, can I.

But yes, my tribute fics for other fanfics are probably some of my best work, because I knew exactly what I was going after-- and I -said- it. It feels great to say exactly what you mean in a story, have the story tell itself to you and have it feel right, like that's exactly how it was meant to be.

Likely enough I've leave fandom after I finish these fics. I've been concentrating too intently here, and I haven't had much energy for much else. So I'm thinking about taking a break for the month of December and force myself to write them, like my own personal NaNoWriMo. I don't know if that'll work-- but I want to be proud of myself. I want to say what I really mean, no excuses.

I would ask what other people's favorite fics of mine are, but...

I mean. I do love them all. And they're different to different readers, I'm sure. A number of people like my ridiculously bad Harry/Cho, and well, more power to them (on my good days-- on my bad days I just want to bite them).

I -would- be curious to hear from someone who's read like, 90-95% of my fic, what my best fic so far is, and why, because I have no way of judging. Is it `Death Wish'? Why? I mean, the characterization's rather... iffy there, and it's established-relationship fic, which I'm 'eh' about. `Sooner or Later' just kind of-- lacks a point (so do most of the others). While I'm happy with `Breeding' and `Hard on the Knees' and `Thirst'-- they're character-driven shorts, which is kind of the appetizer of fic. My comedies are well-- comedies. Maybe if I wrote a comedic epic it'd be different, but this way they're just-- there for a cheap laugh. My Ron/Ginny pieces were okay, but I mean, they have such a narrow scope and I don't -really- have a lot I could've said there. I do like my H/D rapefics, in retrospect. They're good at what they do, which is a limited sort of thing, but hey. I dunno about -pride-, though.

Maybe I associate some expression of philosophy with a "great fic" too much. But ideally, what I'd want to write isn't a philosophical treatise so much as something that's meaningful to -me-, months and years later. That's why I'm so in love with my tribute fics-- because the fics I've written them for mean a lot to me. But that's cheating. So maybe no one could tell me what my best story is. Maybe that's always going to be the story that has my passion, and that'll always be the one not quite born yet. Or maybe I'm just being wanky, who knows.

So. `Bring Out Your Dead', by cupiscent. *sigh* Well-written enough to get past my Draco/Ginny -and- Harry/Ginny squick. Not to mention my post-Hogwarts squick. And my established-relationship squick. And the whole threesome anti-OTP factor. Gotta be good, right?

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Wow, I think I've mostly forgotten about that fic, heh. Plus I think a part of me just discounts fluff, and I suppose I shouldn't (I mean, there's no real justification for that prejudice, is there). I can see how the fic accomplished what it tried to-- for once, I had a -goal- in the first place ('cause it was written on a challenge). This motivates me to finish editing my has-an-actual-plot angstfic :D

And wheeeeee thanks, btw. Can never have enough feedback, especially from one of my favorite writers, eheheh >:D