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reenkaI'm starting to think that I'll like anything if it's got the right sort of smut in it. I mean, I came across this Harry/Dudley, and I really liked it. A lot. And I mean, I am very far from shipping that sort of H/D. But there you go. Fumbliness and stupidness and wanking & I'm there. Sigh.
I was just thinking earlier that all I might have messed myself up somehow, by reading so much smutty romance fic over the years. Well, since puberty hit, anyway. Because now, any book I read-- if it's got a relationship in it-- I want to see smut. I feel incomplete without the smut somehow, like some basic part of the satisfaction in reading is missing. And it's not a question of wankfic or porn, really-- it's just a rush, like... an emotional charge, mind-candy. A lot of modern literature does have sex-scenes, but that's not enough for me, generally. If anything, they're always pretty non-descriptive or not sexy somehow, with artsy word-choices and usually the focus is on how this scene is "relevant" to the story in whatever way, with no "fat" to speak of.
And yet.
And yet, I'm not looking for kink-fic or much of the "sex fiction" or erotica that gets marketed these days. I pick up those anthologies sometimes, and they're nice, but what I want is a deeper story, something full-bodied, I guess. There's usually this focus on "plot" or "kink" or "girly romance" in commercial fic, and it's only in fanfic that I see a lot of this melding, where the same fic will often have a plot & romance & kink and some fantastical element. I mean, this is only the cream of the crop, but it's more common than all the genre-fied literature I've seen. On the other hand, I feel silly wanting this "hit" everywhere. Like it's some sort of addiction-- and of course, it -is- an addiction, and it makes me use literature as even more of a tool for escapism than it's often intended. Emotional highs shouldn't be what one's after. And "should" is such a stupid word to use when in regards to one's tastes in fiction, I know, but I can't help feeling like I've been letting myself down for years and years now, misusing my own capacity to enjoy stories to just scratch some sort of emotional itch more than anything else.
I've written smut since I realized I had a sexuality, which is around age 14, and I haven't stopped since. My earliest feelings upon finding it were that it was something exciting and semi-forbidden, something I was getting away with. I mean, it was just -right there-, in the library, and oh boy, did it make me feel good. Insta-angst-distractor. It used to be that I overdosed on fairy-tales and fantasy adventure stories all the time, and now that I'd discovered the "joy of sex", of course they were much better with sex in them. It's like, why not have dessert with every meal? And I realized that most novels don't have sex, so I read less and less "normal" literature (if you can call fantasy paperbacks normal literature, of course).
Initially, my porn and my plot were completely separate, too. I wrote bits of smut on the side, when the mood struck me, and generally stuck to weird ideas and exploring the fantasy worlds in my head most of the time. I think it was when I started to write my first extremly aimless novel at age 16 that I kind of found myself adding sex in. And writing sex puts me in the sort of mind-frame where I can't help myself, I go into as much detail as I can imagine, simply to indulge. I wound up writing lesbian werewolf sex at about page 76 (or so) and to this day I don't know how that happened or what in the world it had to do with the plot (such as it was).
Around age 18 or so, I started to write more semi-realistic fiction, and of course that always had sex. It wasn't -porn- really, it was just that my characters were about as sex-obsessed as I was, I guess, and I kind of saw them through the lens of their sexuality. So I knew things about them through their emotions before and during and afterwards. Mostly afterwards, I think. It became a sort of blight, where there was the deceptive feeling like I'd actually completed a story, but really I'd just written porn. Because even though it had character development and some sort of pointless angst, it was still... well... mostly revolving around angst and fucking and angsting about not fucking some particular person. Okay, understatement, but basically true.
Fanfiction brought it all together. A year later, and I'm finally thinking in terms of plot instead of (emotional?) porn. It's been a long, hard road. And I haven't even written that much porn. But somehow, porn was always the goal. I mean, it's just -hard- to actually fill in the rest of the story, with the getting-together and the setting-up and so on. But it being fanfic, and me feeling like I couldn't just write PWPs 'cause they don't make -sense- with H/D... maybe that played some part in a development of some sort of plot-ethic. Maybe. I don't know what my point is, btw. I have no point. But babbling about porn is always good, no?
~~
In other news:
Trailer! Trailer! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!1 :D :D :D
Nothing much coherent to say. I love Harry. God, I love Harry. THERE ARE NO WORDS (for how much I love Harry). I realize this is unfashionable, but it's true. Even more unfashionable in some circles, I love Daniel Radcliffe as Harry. Heeeeeeeeee!! His deep voice!! Heeeeeeee! That earnest clean-cut stare! The way he can carry off sounding both innocent and fierce! The way he kind of... I don't know. Glows :D :D
I mean, okay, the chorus singing kind of bothers me, 'cause it's way cheesy. Tom Felton just looks kind of silly (I don't mean the hair-- he's been having that haircut for ages now in publicity photos). I mean... he just looks bland... there's no spark in him. And Ron! Poor Ron, always the comic relief (I miss snarky!Ron, much as I love doofy!Ron). Though Rupert's good at being the goofy one, I guess. Emma just pisses me off for some reason (she seems... bitchy more than bossy, prissy even-- she reminds me of Draco, omg!) She just doesn't have any of Hermione's insight and intelligence, and there's no sense that she and Harry (or she and Ron) are actually -friends-, and she's not just "the girl".
But Daniel still has me at hello. He's just so... genuine. He has that swagger that makes you want to believe in Harry The Hero, and the charming boyish simplicity that makes it less than cheesy to me. He makes me want to believe, this Harry. He's more fanon, of course, without the blemishes or the darkness, just your basic fierce boy with a hero complex, but those aren't easy shoes to fill either, just look at all the horrendously cast superhero movies & shows. Tom Welling, anyone? Yeah.
*siiiigh* Oh, I love him, I do. I was thinking, trying to determine which HP character I'd want to spend my life with (one of those cheesy quiz-type questions), and of course the only answer would have to be Harry. We may not be particularly suited, but I just-- love him. Everything he is, and everything he could be, and everything he is without having to make him represent anything. He's the Fool in me, of course I love him.
I was just thinking earlier that all I might have messed myself up somehow, by reading so much smutty romance fic over the years. Well, since puberty hit, anyway. Because now, any book I read-- if it's got a relationship in it-- I want to see smut. I feel incomplete without the smut somehow, like some basic part of the satisfaction in reading is missing. And it's not a question of wankfic or porn, really-- it's just a rush, like... an emotional charge, mind-candy. A lot of modern literature does have sex-scenes, but that's not enough for me, generally. If anything, they're always pretty non-descriptive or not sexy somehow, with artsy word-choices and usually the focus is on how this scene is "relevant" to the story in whatever way, with no "fat" to speak of.
And yet.
And yet, I'm not looking for kink-fic or much of the "sex fiction" or erotica that gets marketed these days. I pick up those anthologies sometimes, and they're nice, but what I want is a deeper story, something full-bodied, I guess. There's usually this focus on "plot" or "kink" or "girly romance" in commercial fic, and it's only in fanfic that I see a lot of this melding, where the same fic will often have a plot & romance & kink and some fantastical element. I mean, this is only the cream of the crop, but it's more common than all the genre-fied literature I've seen. On the other hand, I feel silly wanting this "hit" everywhere. Like it's some sort of addiction-- and of course, it -is- an addiction, and it makes me use literature as even more of a tool for escapism than it's often intended. Emotional highs shouldn't be what one's after. And "should" is such a stupid word to use when in regards to one's tastes in fiction, I know, but I can't help feeling like I've been letting myself down for years and years now, misusing my own capacity to enjoy stories to just scratch some sort of emotional itch more than anything else.
I've written smut since I realized I had a sexuality, which is around age 14, and I haven't stopped since. My earliest feelings upon finding it were that it was something exciting and semi-forbidden, something I was getting away with. I mean, it was just -right there-, in the library, and oh boy, did it make me feel good. Insta-angst-distractor. It used to be that I overdosed on fairy-tales and fantasy adventure stories all the time, and now that I'd discovered the "joy of sex", of course they were much better with sex in them. It's like, why not have dessert with every meal? And I realized that most novels don't have sex, so I read less and less "normal" literature (if you can call fantasy paperbacks normal literature, of course).
Initially, my porn and my plot were completely separate, too. I wrote bits of smut on the side, when the mood struck me, and generally stuck to weird ideas and exploring the fantasy worlds in my head most of the time. I think it was when I started to write my first extremly aimless novel at age 16 that I kind of found myself adding sex in. And writing sex puts me in the sort of mind-frame where I can't help myself, I go into as much detail as I can imagine, simply to indulge. I wound up writing lesbian werewolf sex at about page 76 (or so) and to this day I don't know how that happened or what in the world it had to do with the plot (such as it was).
Around age 18 or so, I started to write more semi-realistic fiction, and of course that always had sex. It wasn't -porn- really, it was just that my characters were about as sex-obsessed as I was, I guess, and I kind of saw them through the lens of their sexuality. So I knew things about them through their emotions before and during and afterwards. Mostly afterwards, I think. It became a sort of blight, where there was the deceptive feeling like I'd actually completed a story, but really I'd just written porn. Because even though it had character development and some sort of pointless angst, it was still... well... mostly revolving around angst and fucking and angsting about not fucking some particular person. Okay, understatement, but basically true.
Fanfiction brought it all together. A year later, and I'm finally thinking in terms of plot instead of (emotional?) porn. It's been a long, hard road. And I haven't even written that much porn. But somehow, porn was always the goal. I mean, it's just -hard- to actually fill in the rest of the story, with the getting-together and the setting-up and so on. But it being fanfic, and me feeling like I couldn't just write PWPs 'cause they don't make -sense- with H/D... maybe that played some part in a development of some sort of plot-ethic. Maybe. I don't know what my point is, btw. I have no point. But babbling about porn is always good, no?
~~
In other news:
Trailer! Trailer! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!1 :D :D :D
Nothing much coherent to say. I love Harry. God, I love Harry. THERE ARE NO WORDS (for how much I love Harry). I realize this is unfashionable, but it's true. Even more unfashionable in some circles, I love Daniel Radcliffe as Harry. Heeeeeeeeee!! His deep voice!! Heeeeeeee! That earnest clean-cut stare! The way he can carry off sounding both innocent and fierce! The way he kind of... I don't know. Glows :D :D
I mean, okay, the chorus singing kind of bothers me, 'cause it's way cheesy. Tom Felton just looks kind of silly (I don't mean the hair-- he's been having that haircut for ages now in publicity photos). I mean... he just looks bland... there's no spark in him. And Ron! Poor Ron, always the comic relief (I miss snarky!Ron, much as I love doofy!Ron). Though Rupert's good at being the goofy one, I guess. Emma just pisses me off for some reason (she seems... bitchy more than bossy, prissy even-- she reminds me of Draco, omg!) She just doesn't have any of Hermione's insight and intelligence, and there's no sense that she and Harry (or she and Ron) are actually -friends-, and she's not just "the girl".
But Daniel still has me at hello. He's just so... genuine. He has that swagger that makes you want to believe in Harry The Hero, and the charming boyish simplicity that makes it less than cheesy to me. He makes me want to believe, this Harry. He's more fanon, of course, without the blemishes or the darkness, just your basic fierce boy with a hero complex, but those aren't easy shoes to fill either, just look at all the horrendously cast superhero movies & shows. Tom Welling, anyone? Yeah.
*siiiigh* Oh, I love him, I do. I was thinking, trying to determine which HP character I'd want to spend my life with (one of those cheesy quiz-type questions), and of course the only answer would have to be Harry. We may not be particularly suited, but I just-- love him. Everything he is, and everything he could be, and everything he is without having to make him represent anything. He's the Fool in me, of course I love him.
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-12 09:04 pm (UTC)HE IS NOT A BOY ANY LONGER I DON'T CARE HOW OLD HE IS THAT IS NO BOY WHO LIVED I TELL YOU WHAT.
JESUS H CHRIST ON A HIPPOGRIFF."
--
no subject
Date: 2003-11-12 09:30 pm (UTC)tom can have him, man. *saintly*
no subject
Date: 2003-11-12 09:38 pm (UTC)He's still so ickle, man, even if I can dig the sex-appeal, too. Like, the obliviousness and the the "grrrr, don't you -understand-, you have do -pay-!!! GRRR!" and the way he seems to really throw himself into the role (even if there might be some boy out there who'd make a more in-depth Harry, he just seems so enthusiastic, eheheh). Anyway, heeee. Am feeling rather non-sexually squeeful :D Am proud of self :D :D
*sigh!* <3
Date: 2003-11-12 10:19 pm (UTC)I was thinking, trying to determine which HP character I'd want to spent my life with (one of those cheesy quiz-type questions), and of course the only answer would have to be Harry. We may not be particularly suited, but I just-- love him. Everything he is, and everything he could be, and everything he is without having to make him represent anything. He's the Fool in me, of course I love him.
Oh that's beautiful, I so agree. :) Fuck unfashionable; Harry has an amazing soul, he's so underappreciated in some circles, and far more complex than many give him credit for. I love him a ridiculous amount. His insecurity, his impulsiveness, his wild hair, his introverted nature, his rage, his dry sense of humor...everything. He is my boy, my fucked up little love. <333333
And Dan has really come into his own when it comes to playing Harry. I think he just may own it this time around. I think Cuaron may finally be the director to play up his strengths...and those soulful, pretty eyes of his.
heeee!
Date: 2003-11-12 10:47 pm (UTC)But yes :D :D I can't even tell what's canon and what's fanon, what's movie!Harry and what's my-inner-Harry, it's all this great big ball of affection and it seems to spread in all available directions. Though I'm not -that- easy to please; Daniel just has his own spin on things. The voice still startles me though. It sounds like he's about to launch into a ballad or something, ala Barry White :D :D
Heeeeee. With that wide-eyed earnest look, no less. *giggles*
Oh, I amuse myself ;>
no subject
Date: 2003-11-12 11:04 pm (UTC)OMG HARRY 4EVA.
I love Harry, I will always love Harry. How could anyone not love Harry? I don't understand. I love him almost like you love a loved one in real life -- I love him to the extent where I'm blind to some of his faults even as I can name them. I love him to the point where I expect him to be better than human, and when he does something that proves that he *is* human, it shatters me (like in book five).
But yes, if you ask me who my favourite character is it will always be Harry. Harry will always come out on top, even over Draco or anyone else, because in the end I just can't help but love him just that little bit more. I want to give him everything he wants, because I just can't do anything but. And Dan's Harry does something to reaffirm my belief in... goodness, I guess (and he's good but not bland like the way tom welling's clark is). I just become a bit of a puddle and think "wah, Harry! <33333".
Dan's not the most complex or best actor for this part. But there's something in his *spirit* that really *is* Harry. He's got that essense of je ne sais quoi so he melts my heart the same way Harry does. So he makes me believe him, and makes me love him.
That was basically a huge spiel to say "WORD, FUCK YES." :D
*just back from huge exam, haven't slept in something like 48 hours and had total geekgasm over trailer so am raving lunatic at the moment, probably best to disregard insanity of ramblings* ;)
Lestrange, who's too tired to sign in
Date: 2003-11-13 12:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 02:15 am (UTC)I am completely the opposite. I have never really read smut that I liked. This is due mostly to the fact that I think ALL words for genitalia are ridiculous, and I can't read them without either laughing or cringing. And purple prose euphemisms are so much worse. I'm sure if I read a lot of smut I'd find something that I liked, but I'm just not that interested, because for me the sexiness or emotional attachment in anything is wholly contained in the scenario or situation or set up. I'm not sure if this has so much to do with what you were saying, I just think it's interesting that you found things 'incomplete' without the smut, whereas when I find smut I usually roll my eyes, think "Unnecessary" and move on.
But: I think it's definitely a good thing that you learn to move on and not let your smut take up too much space in your writing. And also good that writing fanfic has helped you, because, hey, that's one of the good things about being forced to think about other people's characters and derive your own ideas from them. :D
no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 02:46 am (UTC)As for writing it... dude. It's taken me years to get comfortable with sexualising the writing at all, and I'm STILL told I haven't written real porn. This is hard, man. Not in the good way.
Ah, see, for the quiz mine would have to be Draco, which is why I love Tom Felton unreasonably. they called him Draco! He tried to sneer! He is invested with the name, the name of my baby who must be loved and treasured and licked and smacked upside his wee blond head.
the issues, they just keep coming. I've got more issues than Vogue.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 08:38 am (UTC)Um. This is a gratuitous comment of supportishness because I have lost the ability to not make gratuitous comments at this moment. It is interesting that you are also not so much with the pr0n, though. I have a quest to one day write sex scenes that are vague yet still sexy. I do not know if this can be done.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 08:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 10:08 am (UTC)I will work on this pornless existence your characters lead. Somehow. One day, I will prevail. *giggles*
*looks inspirationally aflame with faith*
I love Tom Felton too. He looked oh-so-silly in the trailer, though. But he's cute. And like, I think my ounce of ambiguity about Draco (he -does- annoy me, too) prevents him from having the grand purity of Harry-love. Heeee. Licked and smacked sounds good to me :D :D
I think UL!Harry should get right on that. *laughs and laughs*
no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 10:16 am (UTC)I don't like bad smut (most of the time, heh), don't get me wrong. The feeling of -good- smut is just addictive for me. Plus, I think my sexuality is connected to verbalness in my head, whereas some people's isn't? Maybe :>
no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 11:21 am (UTC)I know what you mean about loving him as if he were a real person. I think both Harry & Draco are a tad too real for me, but Harry definitely moreso, because if anything I can't define what I think about him down to -traits-, as in, "well, I really like this trait about him". It seems to transcend whatever characterization people come up with and just be "there", the way one's affection for real people is just -there-.
Yeah. That's why I'd written the Harry/Cho a year ago (twice!)-- me trying to give Harry what(ever) he wants. I think I'm always too residually semi-annoyed at Draco to feel like that about him. Like, he should know better, and the things he wants aren't good for him, and so on. "Wah, Harry <33333333" is totally my most common reaction to anything that strongly evokes him for me in any way shape or form. I can't even think, I'm just puddle. So yes :D
We clearly are on the same page here, eheheheh :D :D
no subject
Date: 2003-11-14 02:11 am (UTC)*nods enthusiastically*
Alice
tiding up old comments
Date: 2003-12-19 08:17 am (UTC)Re: tiding up old comments
Date: 2003-12-19 08:58 am (UTC)