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reenkaI'm starting to think that I'll like anything if it's got the right sort of smut in it. I mean, I came across this Harry/Dudley, and I really liked it. A lot. And I mean, I am very far from shipping that sort of H/D. But there you go. Fumbliness and stupidness and wanking & I'm there. Sigh.
I was just thinking earlier that all I might have messed myself up somehow, by reading so much smutty romance fic over the years. Well, since puberty hit, anyway. Because now, any book I read-- if it's got a relationship in it-- I want to see smut. I feel incomplete without the smut somehow, like some basic part of the satisfaction in reading is missing. And it's not a question of wankfic or porn, really-- it's just a rush, like... an emotional charge, mind-candy. A lot of modern literature does have sex-scenes, but that's not enough for me, generally. If anything, they're always pretty non-descriptive or not sexy somehow, with artsy word-choices and usually the focus is on how this scene is "relevant" to the story in whatever way, with no "fat" to speak of.
And yet.
And yet, I'm not looking for kink-fic or much of the "sex fiction" or erotica that gets marketed these days. I pick up those anthologies sometimes, and they're nice, but what I want is a deeper story, something full-bodied, I guess. There's usually this focus on "plot" or "kink" or "girly romance" in commercial fic, and it's only in fanfic that I see a lot of this melding, where the same fic will often have a plot & romance & kink and some fantastical element. I mean, this is only the cream of the crop, but it's more common than all the genre-fied literature I've seen. On the other hand, I feel silly wanting this "hit" everywhere. Like it's some sort of addiction-- and of course, it -is- an addiction, and it makes me use literature as even more of a tool for escapism than it's often intended. Emotional highs shouldn't be what one's after. And "should" is such a stupid word to use when in regards to one's tastes in fiction, I know, but I can't help feeling like I've been letting myself down for years and years now, misusing my own capacity to enjoy stories to just scratch some sort of emotional itch more than anything else.
I've written smut since I realized I had a sexuality, which is around age 14, and I haven't stopped since. My earliest feelings upon finding it were that it was something exciting and semi-forbidden, something I was getting away with. I mean, it was just -right there-, in the library, and oh boy, did it make me feel good. Insta-angst-distractor. It used to be that I overdosed on fairy-tales and fantasy adventure stories all the time, and now that I'd discovered the "joy of sex", of course they were much better with sex in them. It's like, why not have dessert with every meal? And I realized that most novels don't have sex, so I read less and less "normal" literature (if you can call fantasy paperbacks normal literature, of course).
Initially, my porn and my plot were completely separate, too. I wrote bits of smut on the side, when the mood struck me, and generally stuck to weird ideas and exploring the fantasy worlds in my head most of the time. I think it was when I started to write my first extremly aimless novel at age 16 that I kind of found myself adding sex in. And writing sex puts me in the sort of mind-frame where I can't help myself, I go into as much detail as I can imagine, simply to indulge. I wound up writing lesbian werewolf sex at about page 76 (or so) and to this day I don't know how that happened or what in the world it had to do with the plot (such as it was).
Around age 18 or so, I started to write more semi-realistic fiction, and of course that always had sex. It wasn't -porn- really, it was just that my characters were about as sex-obsessed as I was, I guess, and I kind of saw them through the lens of their sexuality. So I knew things about them through their emotions before and during and afterwards. Mostly afterwards, I think. It became a sort of blight, where there was the deceptive feeling like I'd actually completed a story, but really I'd just written porn. Because even though it had character development and some sort of pointless angst, it was still... well... mostly revolving around angst and fucking and angsting about not fucking some particular person. Okay, understatement, but basically true.
Fanfiction brought it all together. A year later, and I'm finally thinking in terms of plot instead of (emotional?) porn. It's been a long, hard road. And I haven't even written that much porn. But somehow, porn was always the goal. I mean, it's just -hard- to actually fill in the rest of the story, with the getting-together and the setting-up and so on. But it being fanfic, and me feeling like I couldn't just write PWPs 'cause they don't make -sense- with H/D... maybe that played some part in a development of some sort of plot-ethic. Maybe. I don't know what my point is, btw. I have no point. But babbling about porn is always good, no?
~~
In other news:
Trailer! Trailer! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!1 :D :D :D
Nothing much coherent to say. I love Harry. God, I love Harry. THERE ARE NO WORDS (for how much I love Harry). I realize this is unfashionable, but it's true. Even more unfashionable in some circles, I love Daniel Radcliffe as Harry. Heeeeeeeeee!! His deep voice!! Heeeeeeee! That earnest clean-cut stare! The way he can carry off sounding both innocent and fierce! The way he kind of... I don't know. Glows :D :D
I mean, okay, the chorus singing kind of bothers me, 'cause it's way cheesy. Tom Felton just looks kind of silly (I don't mean the hair-- he's been having that haircut for ages now in publicity photos). I mean... he just looks bland... there's no spark in him. And Ron! Poor Ron, always the comic relief (I miss snarky!Ron, much as I love doofy!Ron). Though Rupert's good at being the goofy one, I guess. Emma just pisses me off for some reason (she seems... bitchy more than bossy, prissy even-- she reminds me of Draco, omg!) She just doesn't have any of Hermione's insight and intelligence, and there's no sense that she and Harry (or she and Ron) are actually -friends-, and she's not just "the girl".
But Daniel still has me at hello. He's just so... genuine. He has that swagger that makes you want to believe in Harry The Hero, and the charming boyish simplicity that makes it less than cheesy to me. He makes me want to believe, this Harry. He's more fanon, of course, without the blemishes or the darkness, just your basic fierce boy with a hero complex, but those aren't easy shoes to fill either, just look at all the horrendously cast superhero movies & shows. Tom Welling, anyone? Yeah.
*siiiigh* Oh, I love him, I do. I was thinking, trying to determine which HP character I'd want to spend my life with (one of those cheesy quiz-type questions), and of course the only answer would have to be Harry. We may not be particularly suited, but I just-- love him. Everything he is, and everything he could be, and everything he is without having to make him represent anything. He's the Fool in me, of course I love him.
I was just thinking earlier that all I might have messed myself up somehow, by reading so much smutty romance fic over the years. Well, since puberty hit, anyway. Because now, any book I read-- if it's got a relationship in it-- I want to see smut. I feel incomplete without the smut somehow, like some basic part of the satisfaction in reading is missing. And it's not a question of wankfic or porn, really-- it's just a rush, like... an emotional charge, mind-candy. A lot of modern literature does have sex-scenes, but that's not enough for me, generally. If anything, they're always pretty non-descriptive or not sexy somehow, with artsy word-choices and usually the focus is on how this scene is "relevant" to the story in whatever way, with no "fat" to speak of.
And yet.
And yet, I'm not looking for kink-fic or much of the "sex fiction" or erotica that gets marketed these days. I pick up those anthologies sometimes, and they're nice, but what I want is a deeper story, something full-bodied, I guess. There's usually this focus on "plot" or "kink" or "girly romance" in commercial fic, and it's only in fanfic that I see a lot of this melding, where the same fic will often have a plot & romance & kink and some fantastical element. I mean, this is only the cream of the crop, but it's more common than all the genre-fied literature I've seen. On the other hand, I feel silly wanting this "hit" everywhere. Like it's some sort of addiction-- and of course, it -is- an addiction, and it makes me use literature as even more of a tool for escapism than it's often intended. Emotional highs shouldn't be what one's after. And "should" is such a stupid word to use when in regards to one's tastes in fiction, I know, but I can't help feeling like I've been letting myself down for years and years now, misusing my own capacity to enjoy stories to just scratch some sort of emotional itch more than anything else.
I've written smut since I realized I had a sexuality, which is around age 14, and I haven't stopped since. My earliest feelings upon finding it were that it was something exciting and semi-forbidden, something I was getting away with. I mean, it was just -right there-, in the library, and oh boy, did it make me feel good. Insta-angst-distractor. It used to be that I overdosed on fairy-tales and fantasy adventure stories all the time, and now that I'd discovered the "joy of sex", of course they were much better with sex in them. It's like, why not have dessert with every meal? And I realized that most novels don't have sex, so I read less and less "normal" literature (if you can call fantasy paperbacks normal literature, of course).
Initially, my porn and my plot were completely separate, too. I wrote bits of smut on the side, when the mood struck me, and generally stuck to weird ideas and exploring the fantasy worlds in my head most of the time. I think it was when I started to write my first extremly aimless novel at age 16 that I kind of found myself adding sex in. And writing sex puts me in the sort of mind-frame where I can't help myself, I go into as much detail as I can imagine, simply to indulge. I wound up writing lesbian werewolf sex at about page 76 (or so) and to this day I don't know how that happened or what in the world it had to do with the plot (such as it was).
Around age 18 or so, I started to write more semi-realistic fiction, and of course that always had sex. It wasn't -porn- really, it was just that my characters were about as sex-obsessed as I was, I guess, and I kind of saw them through the lens of their sexuality. So I knew things about them through their emotions before and during and afterwards. Mostly afterwards, I think. It became a sort of blight, where there was the deceptive feeling like I'd actually completed a story, but really I'd just written porn. Because even though it had character development and some sort of pointless angst, it was still... well... mostly revolving around angst and fucking and angsting about not fucking some particular person. Okay, understatement, but basically true.
Fanfiction brought it all together. A year later, and I'm finally thinking in terms of plot instead of (emotional?) porn. It's been a long, hard road. And I haven't even written that much porn. But somehow, porn was always the goal. I mean, it's just -hard- to actually fill in the rest of the story, with the getting-together and the setting-up and so on. But it being fanfic, and me feeling like I couldn't just write PWPs 'cause they don't make -sense- with H/D... maybe that played some part in a development of some sort of plot-ethic. Maybe. I don't know what my point is, btw. I have no point. But babbling about porn is always good, no?
~~
In other news:
Trailer! Trailer! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~!!1 :D :D :D
Nothing much coherent to say. I love Harry. God, I love Harry. THERE ARE NO WORDS (for how much I love Harry). I realize this is unfashionable, but it's true. Even more unfashionable in some circles, I love Daniel Radcliffe as Harry. Heeeeeeeeee!! His deep voice!! Heeeeeeee! That earnest clean-cut stare! The way he can carry off sounding both innocent and fierce! The way he kind of... I don't know. Glows :D :D
I mean, okay, the chorus singing kind of bothers me, 'cause it's way cheesy. Tom Felton just looks kind of silly (I don't mean the hair-- he's been having that haircut for ages now in publicity photos). I mean... he just looks bland... there's no spark in him. And Ron! Poor Ron, always the comic relief (I miss snarky!Ron, much as I love doofy!Ron). Though Rupert's good at being the goofy one, I guess. Emma just pisses me off for some reason (she seems... bitchy more than bossy, prissy even-- she reminds me of Draco, omg!) She just doesn't have any of Hermione's insight and intelligence, and there's no sense that she and Harry (or she and Ron) are actually -friends-, and she's not just "the girl".
But Daniel still has me at hello. He's just so... genuine. He has that swagger that makes you want to believe in Harry The Hero, and the charming boyish simplicity that makes it less than cheesy to me. He makes me want to believe, this Harry. He's more fanon, of course, without the blemishes or the darkness, just your basic fierce boy with a hero complex, but those aren't easy shoes to fill either, just look at all the horrendously cast superhero movies & shows. Tom Welling, anyone? Yeah.
*siiiigh* Oh, I love him, I do. I was thinking, trying to determine which HP character I'd want to spend my life with (one of those cheesy quiz-type questions), and of course the only answer would have to be Harry. We may not be particularly suited, but I just-- love him. Everything he is, and everything he could be, and everything he is without having to make him represent anything. He's the Fool in me, of course I love him.
