![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaWhen Lasair bemoaned the sad lack of Quality H/D (contrasted with the sad prevalence of H/S of various qualities, types and sizes) since OoTP, she most definitely didn't mean -this-. When Nef made that hilarious reference to premature-ejaculatory adolescent groping as related to the last Matrix, I'm sure this wasn't even on the horizon. Yet!
I, as the purveyor of All Things Tastefully H/D and Entirely On The Up-and-Up, present you this masterpiece of humor and canonical rigor. I have toiled long and hard on this glorious effort of my ever-vigilant mind, bringing together many months of deep deliberation and the essentially pure toil of my heart. Ahem.
(If you happen to want something a bit more... chewable, try agentgrrrl's `Set In Stone', which is the first, the only, the Draco & the Fairies fic that I always thought -I- was going to end up writing. What do you know, eh.)
Also. SQUEEEEE! Has everyone seen the new Peter Pan movie trailer??!! *spontaneously combusts from GLEEEEEEEEEE!!1*
Disclaimer: not mine.
Author's Note: This may not make sense, but that's my deep philosophical point about the Nature Of H/D. Also, I'm lazy and wrote this in 5 minutes. Deal. Or not. Tell me I suck, I like that sort of thing.
- The Horror -
"I'm not sitting next to you and holding -hands-, Potter. I'd rather sit next to -Granger-, but if I get cooties, you'll hear about it, trust me."
Harry groaned. "Who in the world said anything about -that-? Are you -daft-?"
"No, but one cannot be too sure around a freak like you, Potter." Malfoy sounded smug. He also sounded like he was settling in.
This was definitely going to be the horror movie from Hell, and it wasn't because this trilogy should've stopped with `Evil Hufflepuff Ghosts Strike Back'. Who knew wizards had bad movies too? Apparently, they were just too embarrassing to mention most of the time. But this was one of those really dull and boring Halloweens, and Malfoy got left behind without Crabbe or Goyle to kill starving rats with. Again.
"Shut up before I -make- you, Malfoy," Harry growled, kicking Malfoy in the ankle viciously.
"Owww! You'll -pay for that-, Potter!" He screamed, pinching Harry's forearm as hard as he could. Which wasn't very hard.
Harry decided it was best to ignore him, since the movie was starting.
"Shhhhh!" the girls hissed in unison. Harry could feel Ginny glaring at him in particular, though obviously it wasn't his fault in the slightest. Malfoy started it. The movie was starting.
It was more like a play, really, since it was basically a spell replaying a theatre performance made somewhere else at some point in time, but what did it matter. They all had popcorn, and Ginny was dressed up as a woodland fairy, which was great for the amusement value of seeing Ron turn puce everytime he so much as glanced at her. Hermione wasn't above snickering a bit as well.
The movie started off with a bang, showing a rather scantily-clad long-haired ghost running around the stage, apparently pursued by a six-fingered man with a machete. She was screaming very loudly and the blood was gushing exuberantly from her wide-open mouth. Harry cringed a little, and his skin started to tingle in spite of himself. He'd never liked blood.
Or maybe it was just that Malfoy was sitting so close. There really weren't enough seats, all things considered. It was possible that the professors all conspired to drive them insane before classes tomorrow-- possibly that'd make them easier to teach. At least that was Luna's theory. Or maybe she was joking there. One could never tell, with Luna.
"Eeeew!" Malfoy cried loudly, jumping in his seat dramatically. "Blood!!"
Harry felt a lot better. Malfoy was just the most pathetic human being alive. He didn't even want to kick his arse anymore. This might not be so bad if the movie was funnier 'cause of Malfoy's screaming.
He revised his opinion when the toothless Witch Of Worcestershire came on stage, balancing her orange cauldron on her hip precariously and cackling, showing off her really bad teeth. Malfoy actually -squealed- and clutched Harry's thigh, his pointy little nails digging past the material of Harry's trousers.
He hadn't dressed up. Only now did he realize that he should've come as something with sharp spikes and scales and teeth. It would be so easy to take a bite out of Malfoy, if he had the teeth. As it was he just placed a hand over Malfoy's and squeezed. Really, really, really hard.
Malfoy gasped in what was probably an overload of pain. "Nnngh, owwwowwwowww, LET GO, POTTER, OW!!"
Harry smirked. This -was- more fun than the movie. "If you do that again you'll be -living- this movie for the rest of your natural life, Malfoy. Go ahead, try me."
Malfoy hmphed and snatched his hand away, cradling it to his chest and muttering loudly to himself. Harry tuned him out, since the headless chickens have begun to peck the pretty blonde Hufflepuffs mercilessly, and one of the girls was having her blouse pecked off. Harry hummed jauntily. Maybe this wasn't a total waste by far.
Not paying attention to Malfoy was really a bad idea, as it turned out. He was so engrossed in the ever-more-naked seventh-years (the nipples were all blurry and indistinct, but it was really the -idea- of the thing) that he didn't notice Malfoy's hand squeezing his thigh once again. Slowly.
Someone was moaning just a little, and distantly Harry thought that the sound effects were really much better than in Muggle cinemas. It was quite believable surround-sound, like it was right next to him, even. Strange.
He was feeling more and more heated, but the movie -was- reaching its climax. The evil vampire-bat-dogs were escaping the Dungeons and fleeing out of every conceivable escape route, howling like Voldemort's bagpipe brigade.
His ears were ringing strangely, but he could've -sworn- someone was panting somewhere nearby. It wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to investigate, of course. He knew that there was inevitably going to be some making out going on during movies: he wasn't -that- naive. He'd just rather not know the exact particulars. Though he was still somewhat disturbed that they were apparently feeling frisky right as the bat-dogs started growling and scaling the Hufflepuff dorms. Some people just had no taste.
By the time he realized what was going on, it was too late. Afterwards, he told himself that it was just too traumatic to have considered before, but there was simply no denying it when Malfoy laid his head on Harry's shoulder and stuck his tongue out to lick Harry's neck like the proverbial bat-dog.
Harry jumped, yelping, around the same time Malfoy did. When he'd thought about it later, he tried not to draw some very obvious conclusions, because surely there were other explanations for Malfoy's dazed look and the way he panted like he'd run a mile in half a minute. There had to be a rational explanation, he told himself. There had to be.
Yet for some reason Harry's eyes inevitably strayed to Malfoy's crotch when the lights came on to the sound of scattered clapping and a couple of kazoos. Those were probably the first years, or so Harry could hope, even though there was only enough room for twenty tickets to the midnight showing and it was highly unlikely there were any first years who'd have been able to get in early enough.
It was hard to tell, since Malfoy was wearing the usual tastefully modest black trousers, but they -were- clinging oddly. And then there was the smell.
Harry cringed, closing his eyes briefly. He really didn't need this. He really really didn't.
"Next time, you're sitting with Neville," he said grumpily.
There was a small pause wherein Malfoy tried to pout cutely, but it looked more like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Harry sighed. The things one forgave when one became boyfriends with one's most persistent irritant.
"So no sex, then? Is that what you're saying?"
"No sex," Harry said firmly. It was important to be firm even while lying through one's teeth, he felt.
His boyfriend was just going to have to learn to share, even if it was the hard way.
I, as the purveyor of All Things Tastefully H/D and Entirely On The Up-and-Up, present you this masterpiece of humor and canonical rigor. I have toiled long and hard on this glorious effort of my ever-vigilant mind, bringing together many months of deep deliberation and the essentially pure toil of my heart. Ahem.
(If you happen to want something a bit more... chewable, try agentgrrrl's `Set In Stone', which is the first, the only, the Draco & the Fairies fic that I always thought -I- was going to end up writing. What do you know, eh.)
Also. SQUEEEEE! Has everyone seen the new Peter Pan movie trailer??!! *spontaneously combusts from GLEEEEEEEEEE!!1*
Disclaimer: not mine.
Author's Note: This may not make sense, but that's my deep philosophical point about the Nature Of H/D. Also, I'm lazy and wrote this in 5 minutes. Deal. Or not. Tell me I suck, I like that sort of thing.
- The Horror -
"I'm not sitting next to you and holding -hands-, Potter. I'd rather sit next to -Granger-, but if I get cooties, you'll hear about it, trust me."
Harry groaned. "Who in the world said anything about -that-? Are you -daft-?"
"No, but one cannot be too sure around a freak like you, Potter." Malfoy sounded smug. He also sounded like he was settling in.
This was definitely going to be the horror movie from Hell, and it wasn't because this trilogy should've stopped with `Evil Hufflepuff Ghosts Strike Back'. Who knew wizards had bad movies too? Apparently, they were just too embarrassing to mention most of the time. But this was one of those really dull and boring Halloweens, and Malfoy got left behind without Crabbe or Goyle to kill starving rats with. Again.
"Shut up before I -make- you, Malfoy," Harry growled, kicking Malfoy in the ankle viciously.
"Owww! You'll -pay for that-, Potter!" He screamed, pinching Harry's forearm as hard as he could. Which wasn't very hard.
Harry decided it was best to ignore him, since the movie was starting.
"Shhhhh!" the girls hissed in unison. Harry could feel Ginny glaring at him in particular, though obviously it wasn't his fault in the slightest. Malfoy started it. The movie was starting.
It was more like a play, really, since it was basically a spell replaying a theatre performance made somewhere else at some point in time, but what did it matter. They all had popcorn, and Ginny was dressed up as a woodland fairy, which was great for the amusement value of seeing Ron turn puce everytime he so much as glanced at her. Hermione wasn't above snickering a bit as well.
The movie started off with a bang, showing a rather scantily-clad long-haired ghost running around the stage, apparently pursued by a six-fingered man with a machete. She was screaming very loudly and the blood was gushing exuberantly from her wide-open mouth. Harry cringed a little, and his skin started to tingle in spite of himself. He'd never liked blood.
Or maybe it was just that Malfoy was sitting so close. There really weren't enough seats, all things considered. It was possible that the professors all conspired to drive them insane before classes tomorrow-- possibly that'd make them easier to teach. At least that was Luna's theory. Or maybe she was joking there. One could never tell, with Luna.
"Eeeew!" Malfoy cried loudly, jumping in his seat dramatically. "Blood!!"
Harry felt a lot better. Malfoy was just the most pathetic human being alive. He didn't even want to kick his arse anymore. This might not be so bad if the movie was funnier 'cause of Malfoy's screaming.
He revised his opinion when the toothless Witch Of Worcestershire came on stage, balancing her orange cauldron on her hip precariously and cackling, showing off her really bad teeth. Malfoy actually -squealed- and clutched Harry's thigh, his pointy little nails digging past the material of Harry's trousers.
He hadn't dressed up. Only now did he realize that he should've come as something with sharp spikes and scales and teeth. It would be so easy to take a bite out of Malfoy, if he had the teeth. As it was he just placed a hand over Malfoy's and squeezed. Really, really, really hard.
Malfoy gasped in what was probably an overload of pain. "Nnngh, owwwowwwowww, LET GO, POTTER, OW!!"
Harry smirked. This -was- more fun than the movie. "If you do that again you'll be -living- this movie for the rest of your natural life, Malfoy. Go ahead, try me."
Malfoy hmphed and snatched his hand away, cradling it to his chest and muttering loudly to himself. Harry tuned him out, since the headless chickens have begun to peck the pretty blonde Hufflepuffs mercilessly, and one of the girls was having her blouse pecked off. Harry hummed jauntily. Maybe this wasn't a total waste by far.
Not paying attention to Malfoy was really a bad idea, as it turned out. He was so engrossed in the ever-more-naked seventh-years (the nipples were all blurry and indistinct, but it was really the -idea- of the thing) that he didn't notice Malfoy's hand squeezing his thigh once again. Slowly.
Someone was moaning just a little, and distantly Harry thought that the sound effects were really much better than in Muggle cinemas. It was quite believable surround-sound, like it was right next to him, even. Strange.
He was feeling more and more heated, but the movie -was- reaching its climax. The evil vampire-bat-dogs were escaping the Dungeons and fleeing out of every conceivable escape route, howling like Voldemort's bagpipe brigade.
His ears were ringing strangely, but he could've -sworn- someone was panting somewhere nearby. It wasn't the sort of thing he wanted to investigate, of course. He knew that there was inevitably going to be some making out going on during movies: he wasn't -that- naive. He'd just rather not know the exact particulars. Though he was still somewhat disturbed that they were apparently feeling frisky right as the bat-dogs started growling and scaling the Hufflepuff dorms. Some people just had no taste.
By the time he realized what was going on, it was too late. Afterwards, he told himself that it was just too traumatic to have considered before, but there was simply no denying it when Malfoy laid his head on Harry's shoulder and stuck his tongue out to lick Harry's neck like the proverbial bat-dog.
Harry jumped, yelping, around the same time Malfoy did. When he'd thought about it later, he tried not to draw some very obvious conclusions, because surely there were other explanations for Malfoy's dazed look and the way he panted like he'd run a mile in half a minute. There had to be a rational explanation, he told himself. There had to be.
Yet for some reason Harry's eyes inevitably strayed to Malfoy's crotch when the lights came on to the sound of scattered clapping and a couple of kazoos. Those were probably the first years, or so Harry could hope, even though there was only enough room for twenty tickets to the midnight showing and it was highly unlikely there were any first years who'd have been able to get in early enough.
It was hard to tell, since Malfoy was wearing the usual tastefully modest black trousers, but they -were- clinging oddly. And then there was the smell.
Harry cringed, closing his eyes briefly. He really didn't need this. He really really didn't.
"Next time, you're sitting with Neville," he said grumpily.
There was a small pause wherein Malfoy tried to pout cutely, but it looked more like he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Harry sighed. The things one forgave when one became boyfriends with one's most persistent irritant.
"So no sex, then? Is that what you're saying?"
"No sex," Harry said firmly. It was important to be firm even while lying through one's teeth, he felt.
His boyfriend was just going to have to learn to share, even if it was the hard way.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 04:39 pm (UTC)You're awesome!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:07 pm (UTC)(although wanker!Draco is sort of redundant-- like boy!Draco or blond!Draco. heeee. he is boy, therefore he wanks. wherefore wankest thou? for i am boy, and i am horny!!)
um. :>
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:08 pm (UTC)TRUE.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:11 pm (UTC)though on second thought, perhaps one could call him "the wankiest".
oh draco, thy wank is Mighty.
You shoot, you score!! YOU CAN WANK THE FARTHEST OF ANY SLYTHERIN!! IT HAS BEEN DOCUMENTED!! YOUR WANK IS TRULY LEGENDARY!! THEY SAY YOU CAN COME ON POTTER'S FACE FROM RIGHT ACROSS THE GREAT HALL!!!!
....
i need. to. like. not waste all this time, but.
WHO CAN RESIST?? HEIDEGGER OR WANKING!DRACO, I ASK YOU!! >:O
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:13 pm (UTC)WANKING!DRACO WINS ANY DAY.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:15 pm (UTC)*is maybe an eeeensy weeeeensy bit hyper -.-*
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:20 pm (UTC)it would make anyone use caps :>
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:27 pm (UTC)<3
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 07:31 pm (UTC)heeeeeeee. i'm so very very easy.
i even follow
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 08:11 pm (UTC)will read that fic soon, time permitting!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 08:16 pm (UTC)"silly wabbit, tricks are for kids!"
heeeeeeee. which is much more about hot girl-on-girl fighting scenes than cereal right now. :>
no subject
Date: 2003-11-06 08:17 pm (UTC)