~~ pain. angst. woe. fictional, of course.

[reenka]

It's funny that how I forget myself, sometimes, trying to be all reasonable and "hey, I can take it". When Maya wrote that post about needing brightness in stories, needing some sort of hope, some sort of redemption, just because that's what stories are -for-, they're such potent catalysts for change, and it's almost unbearable to think of this ever-expanding fictional universe, which, unlike the "real" one will never change unless the author says so....

I wasn't sure I myself thought I needed stories to be prickled with light in that way, to inspire me, to basically function as escapism. I don't always want escapism-- I can be mesmerized by the beautiful ways one can bear the most unbearable pain, I can appreciate darkness, something like heavy drapes drawn against the world. It's an aesthetic.

The interesting thing is, that Maya wrote two of the fanfics that I'd consider most hopeless and nearly unbearable in this fandom. `Your Every Wish' and `Dark Side of Light', of course. Both of them completely drained me in their complete dessication of any sort of hope for relief. I suppose the thing that redeemed them for me was the aching presence of strong emotion, of love, of need, of passion, even though it was all misdirected and unrequited and doomed and too little too late. Even so, both of these stories were -taut- with the possibility of light, always denied. It was much more powerful because it had an awareness of what it was missing, not just implied but somehow present.

There were the threads there of how the hopeless tangle wound itself-- it didn't just come into being fully-formed before the beginning of the story. It wound itself up -within- the story, and I think I find that essential as well. If I read a fic with such a dearth of hope in it, I think I want to see it bleed. Not incidentally, but as a major part of the driving force behind the story. I want to see the emotional arc, even if it ends in despair.

Which is why I think fics which start in utter despair and end in utter despair just completely don't work for me. I wait and wait (if I keep reading) for the shift to occur, for that essential (for me) narrative change, where it doesn't matter what, but something's not the same anymore. Pain that is constant and at a high pitch throughout a story wears me out without giving me anything in return. It casts me down without illuminating me, without telling me -why- and allowing my emotions some sort of outlet, a release.


I was raised on fairy-tales, and I think I still think in that way. My ideal ending is, of course, Tolkien's eucatastrophe, where we come through darkness to be redeemed. I think this is the sort of essential light that Maya was wanting in her post-- that basic thread of hope about the human condition if nothing else. Editing that, I would hope to at least for an emotional catharsis of some sort, even if it's a dark one. I would hope to feel -cleansed- by a flood of grief. That's a release also-- the release of tears, of really mourning something. It's a dark ending for the fic, but for the reader, it might still be a strong, powerful thing, something to seize on their hearts and make them really take that necessary gulping breath of cold air.

An example of a relentlessly dark fic that released me in a way that felt right without really destroying its darkness or offering any platitudes would be weatherby's `Contrition'. It's a very painful story, but it works because the pain itself becomes a kind of bond, a catalyst that brings friends together. Grief itself has a sort of arc. It doesn't really go away, but at some point, if you have support, it eases, it transforms. You realize that you're alive and you can feel and that not everything has to hurt anymore. And that can be a revelation.

All of this is a way of explaining why amanuensis1's new fic, `And Just Plain Wrong' didn't work for me, why so many unrelentingly dark fics don't work for me. I can't even enjoy the writing because the ball of misery in me makes it a chore to -read-, even. What's the point? I get nothing from it, no pleasure, no release, no titillation, no spark of knowledge or enlightenment, no new thought. I -knew- life sucks and then you die. No fic has to tell me.

So I guess I'm with Maya, except to say that darkfic -can- work, for me anway, (as her own fics would show!) if there's passion, some guiding principle, a force at work behind it. Basically, I need an explanation that doesn't feel forced. It needs to feel natural. And in real life, there are rhythms-- torture is never endless and unbearable-- and if it is, the person tends to go mad and there is no story because their mind is a barren wasteland. Even if life completely clobbers you, the heroic ones among us go on to have a very rich life of the mind. You don't need anything except what's in there, in your brain, waiting for you. A whole world.

I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, -I- will never really enjoy anyone's real pain. I can enjoy the sort of pain I know that person can tolerate-- but when a character is undergoing unbearable punishment of any sort, I can not ever enjoy it. And I'm glad, man. I'm glad. And I don't think it's because I'm so kink-free. I totally do like semi-noncon and physical domination between equals and such. It's hot. I'm into Buffy/Spike-- `Wrecked' was my favorite episode of the pairing (possibly tied with the musical, because dude-- Willow and Spike and Anya and Buffy and Giles, all singing!!). The difference there is that it was pain both of them could easily withstand. It was nothing, really. It was a game, almost.

Slytherlynx said something about enjoying fics which give Draco pain-- and I can too-- and I do-- when there's any chance that -he'll- enjoy it, if not now, then a chance that it will -lead- to his enjoyment. Pain for the sake of pain followed by more pain is just... pointless. I don't like sweetness for the sake of sweetness followed by sweetness, either. Though I realize both things are more about emotional/physical kink than philosophy, for me as well. (My kink is pain made bearable, made feral by joy or anger or passion-- some sort of living, breathing, kicking emotion).

In `And Just Plain Wrong', it was far, far from a game to Harry, and that meant I had zero chance of enjoying it. Thus I couldn't really enjoy Sara's `Control' or Weather of the Heart-- in the latter case, it was almost a travesty that it -did- turn around and become "okay"-- but I'm such a sucker for it not being awful that I -was- relieved and started to enjoy the fic more at that point. I -need- that relief simply to -breathe-, to be able to -think- about the story. I need it to be a -story-, where there's a frame, a -boundary- around suffering, which is why it's instructive, which is why you can -think- about it and look at it from different angles. Which is why it's a story and not a window onto hell. (And yes, this means I feel awful about the two rapefics I've written, because they're so pointless, and I'm not too happy about several others that were dark, that I don't feel -went- anywhere).

And I can, of course, appreciate a window onto hell also. If it had something to tell me besides "this hurts, doesn't it". Just a bit of knowledge would make it worthwhile, I think.

To me, that is.

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Yeah... that's what I meant (I think)-- balance. The sense that in reality, nothing is unrelenting, and if it is, it starts to feel unreal. Back when I had that awful example where I invoked the Holocaust (note to self: never invoke Nazis on pain of DEATH), I also meant to say just that even in the midst of unspeakable horror, life went on, people survived, they weren't all slitting their wrists continuously, and that's also important to remember along with everything else. But I shouldn't have used such an extreme example. Anyway... a story about numbness is perhaps much more realistic as in-- it happens a lot more commonly-- but yeah, even if it's true, it doesn't quite feel `real'.

I guess what I was saying is-- you could have genres, of course-- where one aspect of things or the other is emphasized and talked about to the exclusion of others. But if that "life is wonderful" thing is -completely- absent even from -memory-, it feels like an endless nightmare which isn't really my thing-- I don't read any horror for that reason, I suppose. Darkness is one thing-- horror is as hard to believe as Harlequin romances (and not as pleasant).

The question of a Grand Design.....
I wasn't really wanting -that-. I mean, I -appreciate- grand symbolic structure perhaps a bit too much (my ill-fated affection for IP a case in point), but it's not necessary. All I want is an arc-- where you start at point A and move to point B, possibly becoming a bit of a different person in the process, or learning something, or realizing life sucks or that you're a vampire soul-sucking demon or that Malfoy Is Really Hot. Something to make me go "ohhh!" or "siiiiigh" or "meeble!"

I think of it as an emotional center. Something driving the story. Something that it's -about-. I dunno. Something more than "this sucks", even if it's detail on why and how and for how long. I dunno.

For instance, I rather enjoy well-done PWP porn-type fics... in the best ones, you have a very simple arc, though. Arousal-- tension-- teasing-- higher arousal-- peaking-- explosion-- afterglow. It may not have told you anything about the human condition, but it's got a certain emotional satisfaction (or it -can-), for me.

I don't think the idea of me wanting a Grand Design even -applies- to my response to Amanuensis' fic. It was more a linear procession of inter-related events-- a segment of a flat line, basically, rather than a circle or an arc or an arrow.

I don't think life -is- a flat line, even temporally speaking, so it doesn't ring true, especially when I'm not anchored to that particular segment by its emotional weight or importance. I was struggling through the series of similar events (all versions of sexual abuse), waiting for the pay-off, for some... I don't know... anomaly, some -difference-, just for contrast. It didn't come. It was flatline all the way, monochromal.

It's almost like I think that an anomaly would provide the equivalent of meaning simply because the reader would -find- it, being human. It would be ...a depth rather than a breadth factor, maybe? I probably don't know what I'm talking about~:)

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I suspected you weren't into the whole "It's all God's plan!" idea, but figured I'd throw it out there as an example of people sometimes trying to put a happy spin on things. Really, I figured you meant more what you said--it's like, why am I reading this story? There has to be some kind of transformation even if it's a small one.

It's weird because of course the Holocaust is a huge weight to drop into any conversation but this post made me think of this movie I just loved that was a documentary about these two guys, one of which was in a Communist labor camp after having escaped to England in WW2. The other guy had spent his adolescence in Auschwitz. I just loved this second guy. He was like...he was just so great. Anyway, he would always make these comments on life being absurd that could be cynical maybe but they totally weren't because he obviously saw all this potential in the absurdity. Like he was showing the cameras these train tracks nearby what used to be a labor camp. He had been in the camp before he was sent to Auschwitz and he was proudly saying, "This is my work! I made these tracks!"

He starts talking about how train tracks are so wonderful because they make him so happy. The other guy walks buy and says with great conviction, "They mean freedom," (because he got away on a train, of course). He agrees that yes, they're freedom, but it's more like this possibility that you are here now but you could be somewhere else, that there are other places in the world to go on them that could be better etc. They remind you there's always someplace other than where you are. And when he finishes the interviewer says, "Where do the tracks go?"

And he smiles and says, "They go to Auschwitz." Then he adds what he usually says to explain his musings, "I am one stupid Jew."

You can see why this guy was like my hero. He was just always seeing life as chaos and people making order in the chaos and his universe kept turning out exactly the opposite of a way that would be described as just that just made it all the more great for him.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Wow, the weird thing is that I think that's a really great story. I love it when life is a series of surprises, man. That's really the point. Even if they're dark surprises, at least they're surprises. WHich I suppose is a way of distancing yourself, possibly, but it still makes it more enjoyable.

Maybe part of what bothers me about darkfic of a certain sort (as well as fluff) is merely the predictability. It's like... even if meaning is fragile and continuously in flux, that in itself is a sort of meaning. That's what's so cool. That it -does- change-- I mean, I never meant I wanted any of it to be -static-. The fun thing is when life is constantly twisting and showing different aspecs of itself and how it's all connected to each other, and there's never sadness without laughter and vice versa. And just how ridiculous it all is. That in itself is meaning, I guess-- laughing at it or crying at it-- responding to it. That creates meaning in the best way.

I'd love it if one of those "epilogue slash" stories were like this-- that love was just one of those ridiculously unexpected twists, and somehow it -worked- because like... you can reallign the colors and suddenly everything's different, like a Rubic's Cube or something~:)

That would be hard to pull off, though.
But I like the idea ~:)

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Wow, the weird thing is that I think that's a really great story. I love it when life is a series of surprises, man. That's really the point. Even if they're dark surprises, at least they're surprises. WHich I suppose is a way of distancing yourself, possibly, but it still makes it more enjoyable.


Oh it totally was a great story! And part of what made it so cool was that like when he would say he was stupid it was clear he was really smarter than everyone else, but he never tried to say exactly what he'd discovered or anything like that. He just left you with this great possibility, like, "Isn't that fabulous?" These crazy things would happen and even when they were negative it was just part of the weirdness that was life.