~~ writing & recs & process & stuff.

[reenka]

heee. i feel like i've been a bad girl. a little. people who know me tell me i should stop feeling so guilty about stupid things, but it's hard 'cause i either don't feel any guilt or ridiculous amounts of pointless guilt, so.
    anyway, i'm excited. i read the first chapter alex's new fic, `angel dark, demon bright', and while he says it is keeping him in the fandom (as a writer), this is the sort of fic that could keep me in the fandom as a -reader-. hee. the guilt comes in 'cause i haven't been reccing or reviewing much lately. i've been rather burnt out, actually. i haven't read prolly -half- of `veela magic' and `plague of legends' by now, and the wip's i -have- followed, i've followed because i don't review them and their authors don't know me so that the lack of feedback is completely anonymous. muwahahahah. etc. i do review ul every single time, and i don't know why-- i think it's because i -read- it, and it's easy enough to review what i read. as to why i read it... eheheheh. yah. addiction, baby.

    but yah. not reccing or reviewing makes me feel like i'm letting the fandom down. that sounds so stupid. but there it is. i hate self-important reviewers, too. it's not like i'm the Authority (ahahaha having read pullman, that is rather funny. but anyway.) it's just that i feel my fannishness consists of fangirling people. and stuff. since i don't write that much sometimes. i hate being a lurker. *laughs* oh god, that's so lame.

so, i'm excited about this fic. every other chaptered fanfic i've been excited about kinda... um... sucked later. let's not mince words. *grins* no, okay, it didn't -suck-... it just kind of sucked. no, okay... no... um. *coughs* i'm thinking fics like `thicker than blood', for instance, which i -think- i've squeed about recently (sadly)... i think i said something to the effect of, woot! in-character dumbledore, man! yah. so sad. and to think i -like- happy endings. i do. no, really! really! but it never went anywhere. maybe i shouldn't rec wip's-- but i feel better when i trust the author.
    um. yah. i haven't reviewed it (printed it out and read it in bed, though) buuuut i wanted to squee over it. mostly 'cause i'm always gung-ho about authentic-sounding voices and lack of obvious bias. yeay, lack of apparent authorial bias or heavy-handed pov stuff. and i mean, though it says it's "angst"... maybe that's just so the jokes are funnier 'cause you don't expect them >:D<

    the fact remains, i haven't been -into- fanfic as much since book 5, so that's why i haven't read as much. i still love everyone's writing, it's just... i needed that space for the canon to settle. it still hasn't fully settled. plus, i want specific things-- mostly harry-centric canonish-type things. people jump on newness, but it's not like that. i'm not interested in the new and shiny, exactly-- i mean, tonks does nothing for me-- in canon, i barely noticed her. i did wonder what "wotcher" meant, exactly, but that's all. the desire to write femmeslash just because i -can- is far from foremost on my mind. ginny is okaaay, but i liked her more when it was easier to make her psychotic. hee. i miss sirius, but i never liked present-day s/r anyway. i think... almost... i want to read -gen-. almost. gen about harry.
    what's more, i want to -write- gen. i started this harry-and-luna piece (though it's stuck). i am still a rabid shipper... but i need time before i figure out how to deal with draco now. and i want draco in the (gen) stories, too. presently, my perfect fic would be circling around harry as the protagonist, remus and snape as the mentors, draco as the stray slytherin, ron & hermione as harry's sanity, luna as harry's sounding board about the feelings that he won't admit to to his friends (draco is no good for that-- we keep draco for the perspective-- and the sex, hopefully) and dumbledore as... dumbledore. hee. yes. dumbledore. *laughs*
    here's where `angel dark, demon bright' comes in. though i don't know if it -is- gen, it's close enough for now.

so yes. there were quite a few characters, and usually that turns me off because it dilutes the intensity of me being drawn into the story. but in this case i was just happy 'cause their voices were all different and it's fun to watch them interact. i dunno, often enough it feels like though there are a number of different characters, they're really all the same person except with different views on the same subject. maybe sometimes if you go at something from several different angles, no one character has to bear the brunt of authenticity, and you can kind of weave things together without putting too much weight on any one element. i don't see that work very often, but it's kind of fun when it does.

i feel so exposed, talking about specific fics, like it's been so long that it feels awkward, like i'm pimping or something, whereas i'm just rambling on about the most recent thing i'd read, which comes naturally. authenticity of voice is probably the most exciting thing i could find in a fic-- and it's not the same thing as being "in character", 'cause that involves action and general characterization issues, not just the dialogue itself, the ways characters differentiate themselves within the flow of their interactions. if i can be convinced by contrast that this is -draco- and this is -snape-, i'm happy. so yes.
~~

and, and!!
it's glockgal's birthday! *hug*!
~~Happy Birthday~!!..!..!..!!~~
i am so tempted to draw something but... but... considering you are so much more masterful than me, i am too embarrassed. *laughs* but! if you ask for something in particular, you shall receive! even though it be sucky!! hee. because, well, you are so my h/d art goddess and in my lowly worship i commit acts of frightening embarrassment >:D< *hug* <3~!
~~


Do ideas come in little tiny pinpricks and then get expanded, or do they start great big and scopy and then get refined?

usually, i get a starting sentence or a visual (usually with no dialogue and more of an emotional atmosphere, dream-like thing) or maybe an emotion that wants to get out and find expression, and then i'd write a whole story spun from this initial emotional state (usually coupled with some stream-of-consciousness-based imagery). i can do it at any time if i want to, just start spamming myself with imagery that doesn't necessarily make any sense. it's usually descriptions of someone's body language or their inner landscape-- or general landscape as a reflection of inner landscape. my own emotions at the time usually bleed through heavily into those, at first anyway. then i improvise and follow up.

like,
he sat quietly, the long-feathered quill trembling slightly between his fingers, his mouth tight. he couldn't speak, couldn't think of what to say. his last chance to say it, and all he could think of was, "don't do this. just stop. stop. stop." which he was well aware was not going to win him any sympathy points and just make him sound like a desperate lovesick moron, possibly on the verge of a breakdown. which he was.

the day was too warm but his skin was constantly covered in goosebumps, his teeth clenched together so they wouldn't start chattering. his writing was almost undecipherable at this point, and he just waited to give up. this wasn't doing anybody any good. he should just leave him alone. it's what the other had wanted. it's what they both wanted. he didn't care, really; he didn't care about anything but getting his friends out of this alive. none of this was -about- him, and if he started believing... if he started believing it was....

he swallowed harshly and murmured a word, making the heavily-folded paper go up in a swift curl of smoke. it was the last day he had to himself, and he wasn't going to spend it remembering.

okay, that kind of sucked, but i can do it anytime. and no, i don't know the point. i don't really -get- ideas with -feet- or anything, usually. if i do, i summarize them and then get bored. i tried to write a largish work about 3-4 times now, and i always ran up against the thing that i didn't know what i was -saying-, exactly, so i wasn't sure how to control a story once it got to a certain level of complexity after a few chapters. if i -do- know what i'm saying-- that's usually like a bolt of lightning and i see the main emotional drive (very important) and the end-point or goal (again, very important). damn, but that almost never happens.

Why do you choose to write in the tenses you do (present tense, or first person POV, or third person) and how do you choose particular styles for particular stories?

i don't -choose- them in any conscious way. i used to write first-person just like every other beginning writer. i default to third-person limited past tense because i can get away with descriptions and emotional stuff as well as not be limited by pov if i lose track of a character all of a sudden (this happens-- it's like they go to sleep or something-- this is probably partly 'cause my original characters aren't very defined and i make them up as i go along-- fanfiction has really helped with this).

i really like writing pov-based stuff because it's easier to attempt to see things from one person's perspective-- kind of like pretending to be that person, requiring less strategy and objectivity. objectivity is hard, 'cause again, you'd need to -know- things rather than -feel- things, and feelings things out is easier, for which pov-limited stuff works better. i feel like within a more omniscient narrator, i'd need to know exactly what's going on with everything and everyone and how it all interconnects, which intimidates me.

it's a lot of fun to use present tense and second person (not necessarily at the same time), but i don't play with it that much because it tends to influence the story to such a heavy degree that the story then grows -out- of the tense i use and it takes more concentration. i think when i -do- use it, it's more of a mood or a whim rather than any conscious feeling that it's better for the story. sometimes i revert to my default tense later, 'cause i feel my experiment isn't working (this happens a lot).

Do you have music that inspires your writing? (That you listen to while writing, or certain songs that remind you of certain characters.)

-all- music inspires my writing. it totally brainwashes me. whatever i listen to will -totally- control what i write in mood and tone (and sometimes even content). i prefer music without lyrics if i have a particular goal or idea in mind, so i wouldn't be "polluted"-- but music can definitely bring me out of writer's block, theoretically-- i don't try it for that reason 'cause that would break my (frustrated) flow, i guess. there is no such thing as uninspiring music, because even brain-numbing music sets me into a brain-numb sort of mood. is that weird?

as far as certain songs reminding me of certain characters-- well, yes, i often identify love songs with whatever couple i'm shippy about at the moment. i don't tend to have -character- songs, usually. heheheh there aren't a lot of draco songs out there as far as i know. but i will never listen to "until the end of the world" by u2 without thinking draco! haven! draco! draco! waaaah! but i'm sure most people (who haven't read ivy) wouldn't make the connection 'cause it's not -particularly- an h/d song. i dunno if that er... is very related, but.

How do you brainstorm what comes next in a story?

i'm with rhoddlet and amalin in that, if i have to brainstorm-- well, i usually don't. but if i do, it's not a good sign-- it means i'm blocked, and i don't get unblocked very easily. (and i guess it shows that we write coming from similar places-- largely non-rational, hard to control places.) this is a reason why i don't write longer stories, i suppose. damn me. buuut. um. usually, i leave it alone and come back to it. that works sometimes. subconscious brainstorming, man. that's what it's all about. heh. then it'll just strike me, like, aha! so -that's- how it happened! totally out of the blue. like 2 years later, sometimes.

What do you do when you hit a road block?

er. get upset and frustrated and annoyed with myself, heh.
leave it alone. try not to dwell on it. do something else. go eat something. read something. forcing myself will -not- work. ever. maybe i should try :-?

How often do you end up deleting a whole bunch of already-written stuff, and how hard is it to let that stuff go?

i don't delete very often because i rarely still feel like working on a story once it's longish and -finished- (i usually am very sick of it by then... the more i've worked on it, the more "takes" it's had, the more i tend to hate it-- i don't mean i think it -sucks-, i just mean i -hate- it). so yah, i need that cooling off period before i can edit. when that period of time -has- passed-- a few days or weeks or even months-- i can cut without cringing too much 'cause i'm not too attached to the story after that point. when it's hot off the presses, i'm pretty connected to it-- but after i've started something else, my emotional investment becomes wedged in -that- fic, so i can cut without pain. but that's only if i edit in the first place. if i do edit, i usually cut prolifically.

if i try to edit mid-process, it's hellish deciding what to cut, 'cause usually i have affection for whatever piece i wrote, even if it doesn't fit. i mean, even if it's just a nice metaphor or a cute way of describing something-- i feel like i want to -share- that with the hypothetical reader, preserve evidence that i did something write more than i want to destroy evidence i did something wrong. i'm a wimp, basically.

What if you really, really want to include something but part of you is saying it's not right for that particular story?

it's kind of weird how alike my process is to rhoddlet's, but then, i haven't had a large pool to compare myself to so far, so. so yes, i save it in a different file and fail to use it. that doesn't happen very often-- 'cause by the time i get around to editing i'm usually brutal with myself (heh), but if i edit mid-process i tend to not see how it doesn't fit since i rarely have an over-arching -point-. usually this happens when i suddenly have a completely fresh pov character pop up after i get tired of my initial pov character, and i hope eventually they'll relate to each other, but then they don't. funny how that happens. so then it's pretty obvious it needs to be cut 'cause they're not even in the same -universe- (why does this happen to me? why?). and of course most likely i won't finish -either- snippet now -.-

Do you take notes longhand, and if so, when?

almost never. i mean... i have, once or twice or three times, when i had my ill-fated ideas for epics that i never even -began-, but usually i'm sitting on the bus or in class and suddenly i'm like, aha!! and this whole convoluted fantasy plot pops into my brain. so i write it down and invent names for people. once i just kept inventing names and didn't do anything else. but yes. this is in the flush of me thinking, "omg, i'm a genius, i have to record my brilliance right now"-- which wears off quick, lemme tell ya.

Do you use challenges by other people to inspire you?

it's a drug, man. a drug that doesn't work. heh. they're so tempting and they sound interesting and i'm like, "hmmm, i -want- a challenge, yes, i need to grow as a writer" and i sound all pompous and then i sit down and go, hmmmm. and then i realize that if i -wanted- to write this fic i'd have done so by now. most of the time, anyway. sometimes a challenge comes along and it's just right for me, somehow. er. that usually doesn't happen. i had a lucky streak in october of last year where suddenly i realized i -wanted- to write a fic about halloween (whoa), and at harry's birthday when everyone was writing birthday fic and i had an idea too. usually, my best challenges involve plot bits or details, which is rare in public challenges-- like, when ashkitty asked for kittens, pillows and ice-cream and so on in a fic, and i was like, sure thing. if you give me ingredients, i can mix them, it's easy. but as far as general challenges... it's hard. i wrote a h/r/hr fic on a challenge (well, more like a request), and that was good, i was happy with it, but. that was a fluke, as well as the others, really. or maybe it's unpredictable the same way my normal fics are, and i can just never tell what sort of thing i'm ready to write at any particular moment, until i do-- or don't do it.

Do you do anything in particular to get you into the right mindset to write a certain character or characters?

er. no. i so don't have any strategies or writerly habits of any sort. i suck. i wish i did, 'cause then i'm sure my life would be easier. it's easier write draco when i'm enraged, and it's easier to write h/d when i'm feeling emotional or hormonal or in need of smut, ehehehe. i can just kind of dunk harry & draco into my emotional soup and let them soak it up like bread. but as to -when- i'll feel it, there's no telling. that's where the feeling of being blocked and dried up comes from, actually, 'cause i don't have any strategy of getting there.

Which characters are easiest for you to write, and WHY?

ginny is frighteningly easy and i have a feeling tom/ginny would be easy because my mind goes to that dark red, dripping violent fearful place of debauchery and angst rather easily. but i don't -want- to write those fics, mostly. this is pre-ootp ginny. right now she's way too sane for me to get into. erm. goofy!ron being a dork and crushing on hermione and being a clueless nincompoop is easy 'cause... um... not much with the emotional range, again. harry... i don't think i trust my handle on him, but he's easy simply because i -want- to write him so much. draco is easy when i'm in the mood, baby. sometimes i'm all full of rage and bile and then draco comes a-knockin'.

Which ones are hardest, and again, WHY?

hermione is hardest out of ones i want to write, maybe, because i don't know what her emotional landscape is and i'm such an emotionally channeling writer. i can't empathize with her easily, though i can understand her. i can't -feel- her. it's like, she has all these issues but if i wrote a fic with them, she wouldn't be letting them rule her or anything, she'd be being all reasonable and trying to give helpful suggestions and being a dumbass anyway, and that's a delicate balance. as far as evil!hermione, like ethrosdemon wants me to-- that's just hellish 'cause then i'd have to filter in this new emotional matrix over a personality that doesn't soak up emotion very well. she's earnest and vulnerable and caring and clueless and probably too like me and too unlike me at the same time, so she really flusters me. plus i can't get into her in any romantic way-- i ship her with ron, but i don't feel attracted to ron so i can't figure out how exactly she feels about him, whereas it's simple to figure out how he feels about -her-.

snape because he's so "adult" and immature and dominating and bitter and dried up and i don't -want- to get into his head and yet i understand him much better than draco on some level, 'cause we're actually more alike. i don't feel like i can imitate his voice well, or any adult's voice for that matter. he has all this control and layers of complexities borne from age, and that's hard to keep balancing. adolescent angst is easy and simple, grown-up angst is hard, basically, because it's still adolescent angst except now they're acting totally... different. or something.

grown-up!lucius would be hell to write (i did manage to write young!lucius once, to mixed success), simply because he's so completely wrapped in things i don't understand-- meanness and coldness and calculatingness. same with tom. i can imagine these people, but it's hard to let go of myself and my own feelings long enough to write from their pov. though i suppose this means i should.

Which characters are most like you emotionally?

remus and luna and probably harry. actually more like harry than anything, though -act- like a cross between luna & remus. not much with the present-day remus, more the background emotional structure. it's the whole... reserved-yet-messed-up-and-needy-and-self-centered thing. heh.

How often do you feel like what you're writing is fulfilling some emotional need - ie, when you're writing comfort, is it because you often feel that you don't get it IRL?

er... probably? writing itself is an emotional need and a comfort. it soothes me, no matter -what- i'm writing about. i mean, i don't often put my characters in little cottages in england and have them nuzzle each other and drink bubbly soda, so, i mean. i -used- to act out-- not comfort, usually, but er... rage or desire, things i couldn't get. i can get comfort in many, many ways other than writing. okay, mostly reading and eating and drawing. i sometimes give my characters what i want myself (a kiss, a massage, a nice house), but not usually. usually i'm just imagining random things vaguely based on my mind-state at the time.

What about writing smut - do you find it easy, difficult?

easy, man. fantasizing about sex is so easy 'cause... um... well, i know what sounds good and i know the schematics and the game-plan (foreplay, fuck, orgasm) and i don't have many inhibitions. okay, any inhibitions, not in writing. i think the only things stopping anyone are personal issues, not writing issues, based on observation.

What kinds of smut are easiest for you to write, and WHY?

well, the `why' seems gratuitous. heh. 'cause, it's a kink, obviously, no matter what it is. kinks are easy, in-character sex that actually -fits- the situation is hard. often i write the smut scene first and invent the story/rationale later. like, -why- would draco be whimpering, "fuck me, potter!!" while biting harry's lip?? it's a burning question, man!!

um. frottage and masturbation is easy, kissing is easy, silly smut dialogue is easy-- 'cause that's all things i fall back on, having written them so often. i mean, full-on sexual episodes with lube & penetration & foreplay & some sort of growing tension which gets resolved-- that involves planning and scheming and it's harder.

Which of your stories is your favorite and WHY? Least favorite?

hee. you know, the weirdest thing is that `he loves fierce' (which is a fanfic to cassie's dv10) is my favorite. it probably came from the most intense emotional place for me, and it was cathartic to write and it was borne of love. also, i said exactly what i meant to-- in my head, anyway. whether or not any reader gets it is another question. but i can still remember how i felt and what it meant to me when i read it, so it's special that way. i dunno if it's the -best-, but it means the most to me.
    the other favorite is `death wish'-- partly because it was fun to have it be beta'd-- none of my other fics have been beta-edited. also, maya recs it. that just makes me squirm with glee every time. maya likes my fic, man! that just makes it dear to my heart right there.

er. least favorite has got to be that STUPID, STUPID, STUPID harry/cho fic. both of them. they are so STUPID!
    and you know what!?! `moonstruck' has the biggest number of reviews on ff.net or anywhere of any of my fics. I HATE ALL YOU HARRY/CHO-READING PLEBES, GODDAMN IT!! STOP IT! (and yet i keep them online 'cause i'm a feedback whore just like everyone else). still, `rumor' SUCKS ASS. it -does-. stop telling me differently! it DOES!! *weeps*
    and the other, `moonstruck', keeps having people yell at me 'cause it's `weird' and doesn't deserve a "r". I HATE HARRY/CHO PEOPLE, HATE THEMMMMMM!!! ahem.

How do you choose titles for your stories?

um. randomly? they just come to me. often, it's some turn of phrase from the story that goes bling-bling as i write it and i think, yes! that is the theme! or, that is a really cool phrase! or something. or i just bullshit something to summarize. or i start with some title i got form somewhere else, like from someone's poem or something. it's impulsive. i don't really think about them or try to weigh pros and cons 'cause then i'd never choose. i go with what comes to me first. very rarely, i'll change a title, but only when there's some kick-ass line i want to use somewhere, so i rifle through all my old stories looking for one to paste it on -.-

Do you write differently with a cowriter than you do alone? Is it easier or harder?

never had a co-writer. want to, of course, but it's never happened before, even though i've had plans with ishuca and starflowers at one point. but of course i imagine i would write differently. probably be influenced by what their whole feeling is.

Do you write original fic differently from fanfic (if you write it at all)?

no, i don't think so. it just comes instinctually in both cases, i'm just inspired by different things. i imagine i draw upon more of my inner dreamscape for original fic, include more of myself in the writing, have more insane symbolism and metaphors, but that's just because i'm lazier and less focused with original fic most of the time. if i have a -point- i'm making, some sort of -goal-, then the writing process is pretty similar.

When a scene feels forced, what are the first few tricks you try to fix it?

usually i re-start at another point-- like start writing from some other part of the fic altogether, leave that one alone entirely. maybe once i write that other bit, i'll see how they're connected or see the old bit in a new light, so i can edit the previous bit to fit, now that i have a purpose. i never really -force- once it starts to seem like it -needs- force. i stop before that point simply because i feel myself begin to dry up. usually, an infusion of a totally new piece of dialogue or pov will smooth things over and lend a new freshness to the scene.

Are most of your fixes deletions or additions?

i guess additions, actually, since if i started deleting while i still was writing without fresh inspiration (an addition) to guide me, i'd whittle away at it until i had nothing. so i just leave it, 'cause i don't know -what- to delete if i'm stuck. and once i'm -not- stuck, any deletion seems a natural part of growth rather than a fix to enable growth. or something.

How long does it usually take you to write a story? How many revisions do you go through?

anywhere from a few hours to a few days (usually in several-hour takes-- by several i mean ranging from 3 to 9, i guess). if it's a story rather than a ficlet, i finish in 2 or 3 takes, usually, if i don't write it all at once, which is rare-- finishing is rare enough, but finishing a complete story in one go? that's just unbelievable. i do finish snippets and sketch-type things in 3-4 hours, depending. i sometimes write really short things in 40-50 minutes or so, but i have to be in the mood.
    as far as revising-- that usually goes a lot faster, since i have the whole fic already -there-, and i know how it's supposed to fit (funny how helpful that can be). i don't have as much of a sense of timing with revising-- since i do it on a whim, sometimes months later. often i just go through a fic for typos, which takes half an hour or an hour, depending on length. i don't tend to go through more than one revision. two at the most. but then, i'm a revision-less barbarian.

Do you use beta readers?

i didn't used to, 'cause i didn't know people. then i asked, and now i have ishuca <33333 hee. i wub my beta.
    i have to trust the person-- their judgement, their ability to understand what i'm getting at, their stylistic taste, their gramatical knowledge-- but if i do, i'm open-minded about things. i love getting the sort of nit-picky feedback a beta gives, even if it stings-- i like the attention to my writing this implies. i love talking about all the little details of what i wrote and having micro-level responses. (good) betas rock >:D especially since my grammar gets ouchy in my run-on sentences and my weird punctuation and my tendency to overuse certain words and such. also, i don't make sense a lot of times, and i need someone whom i trust to let me know. heh.
    that said, i've only had `death wish' beta'd. the others, i don't want to work on that much or my beta would tell me it doesn't need a beta. heh. yes, she is lazy and picky, but, you know, i dig that. hee. then there was the fic she sent back saying i should totally rewrite it before she can edit it. naturally, i still haven't rewritten it, but such is life~:)

sometimes i think i need another beta (something like a workhorse, hee), but who would understand my scribbles as well like ishuca does? that is the question~:) hee. for more information, inquire within >:D<

Comments

[ishuca.livejournal.com]

:schnoogles and loves:

am lazy but when i beta, i beta! bwah!

and you! i -did- beta that narcissa fic, just not in depth because it needed too much work. remember that! >:O

speaking of, how did the panel really go? :remembers the night we spent on your prep for the panel, heh:

and your writing deserves an in-depth response. well, when you want it, i mean. because you write in depth, and to simply skim your work isn't going to do it any justice.

so.

:hugs:

off to bed now, me. ;)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee. i -always- want an in-depth response, even if it's a drabble. i am horribly greedy. or is that self-centered? i'm not sure >:D
*hug!*
the panel was rather funny, considering how everyone was scaring me about it and stuff. ohhhh they'll -murder- me with their canon-obsessed questions, ohhh, they've read the book seven times, so if i don't, i'll be -toast-, and so on and so forth. lies, all lies!!..!!..!!!

first of all, i didn't need the paper. second of all, no one mentioned anything specific from canon, either panel members or the audience. i mean, the -snape- panel discussed canon more-- well, basically the pensieve scene. maybe it's just that draco's appeal is so non-canon and speculative, but no one even -speculated- that much, they just had their pet theories, all couched in very general terms, and everyone was rushing all over themselves to express what -they- think.

people rattled things off so quickly. aja talked the most, i think, but no one cross-examined her or anything. cedar and catja just basically said he's a stupid twit and so on. someone compared draco to snape and said that draco simply had no depth. someone said draco would never -want- to be redeemed. someone brought up the horror of what he said on the train, 4th year (i think cedar)-- like, OMG HOW COULD HE SAY THAT, OMG-- and i wanted to say, well, he'd say anything, but i didn't get the chance 'cause everyone was trying to say things non-stop.

i was barely able to concentrate and hold myself together 'cause i was so overwhelmed by the audience, and i took notes as to what i wanted to say (scattered notes that don't quite make sense now), and doodled a little. clio said i looked bored but then i said stuff that showed i was paying attention. i was pretty shaken up and traumatized, but not at all because people were asking me things i couldn't defend-- in fact, most of the stuff i could've defended easily if i had a chance, but i'd have had to be aggressive about it 'cause the audience refused to shut up and let the panel discuss.

people suck, btw. heh.

aja threw things out like draco reflects harry and he really isn't his -enemy- and there was some statements made about his role towards harry (complementing him or whatever), but it wasn't -discussed-, more just thrown out there. people kept throwing things out there and then not really following up, 'cause everyone had their own agendas, it seemed.

i -tried- actually -responding- to people rather than having an agenda, but i didn't get to say much. i said one-liners (hard to believe), like-- it's a question of -can- draco be "redeemed" vs. -will- he vs. -should- he be, and all those would have different answers. we didn't even get -into- whether he should be and the nature of redemption not applying to him-- i mean, i'm sure someone mentioned it (aja and someone else), but no one -discussed-.

so yeah, a fiasco. people keep telling me i did so well and the panel was even worth going to because of me (well, that's antenora, but i dunno. i dunno if the whole mass discussion thing really works when there's so little obvious canon to work from-- no -theme-, like the pensieve scene, nothing to organize or guide discussion, especially since aja isn't as dominant and controlling as some other mods. so. sigh.

yah, all that preparation was rather useless. but at least i get to feel superior now ^^;