~~ grown-up?

[reenka]

i saw the trailer, and. and. i love peter. no, no, you don't understand. i love peter. i love him in the sort of fierce and endless way one loves things in one's childhood. i was afraid, then, that one grows up and forgets what that's like, and i'm still not sure about other people. so many of them seem to think that love is complicated, like a puzzle you need the right pieces for, like you could do right things in order to feel the right things, and then if things go wrong you kind of back out. because it's a lease, you know. it's not like love -defines- you, or anything. but when you're little, you don't think of things like that. you just know who you love and you know that's all that matters. and it's true. we've all grown up and we don't believe we can fly anymore. i mean, there are always different reasons for why not, but in the end there's the sane and there's the mad, and who wants to cross that line, really? you start thinking that believing in things means having -faith- and -doubt- and defying people who don't believe and sometimes the laws of physics. when i was 12, though, i waited without waiting and knew without knowing. so maybe one can fly without even realizing it or disturbing a thing, and maybe.... maybe there don't need to be reasons.
~~

also, omg. omg, oh, -my- gahd.....

maybethemoon rewrote `once more with feeling' as an hp parody. i am so, so dead. not least because i've heard the soundtrack enough times so that i could actually -hear- it as i read. which is just.... priceless. wah (!.!!..!!!)

and, i was on such a sirius (and remus) kick recently.

i mean, there's this new urgency to it, defying death and time and there's so much to sink your -teeth- into, intense and painful and -real-. there have been several beautiful, awful, heart-wrenching gorgeous post-ootp sirius fics (sirius and remus and sirius and harry and sirius...), ivy's and fyredancer's and penguin's and amalin's and wikdsushi's... and then sloane wrote `coin tossers' (heeeee!! a happy-snarky-delicious marauder fic) which i should reread to get to my happy place again, 'cause yes. they should be happy, they should theyshouldtheyshouldtheyshouldtheyshould, dammit, aaaack. but.
    but sometimes... i don't know, i think that but i just... i love all the different possibilities, and the spaces in between yes and no, where they're more -alive- than anything, and there's all this need and uncertainty and i feel like even in that moment of "maybe" they've lived a life. so i read rageprufrock's `levity' and it was solid and painful and oh god, -remus-... remus hurts me too, just the way he could shut himself off like that, and how he'd -survived-, and how he's grown used to that, as old as sirius was young, the whole time, it's just so beautiful and painful and i want to believe in them so much, so much, so much.
    i'm so dead. and then ali drew all this (angry!harry and waaaaaahhh s/r smut..!..!!..!!!) and then there is the marauder ficlet, and.... wah. overloading, but goodgoodgoodgood.
    it's ironic, in a way, that there's this rush of inspiration everywhere all of a sudden (even i'm tempted and for me to think of writing harry-and-sirius is just unheard of)... but i don't think it's morbid or angst-related... i just think there's all this -emotion- all of a sudden, and it's of course, art exists to feed off of that, and that's what comes most naturally a lot of the time, channeling the pain into beauty, and my god, it has been beautiful. so beautiful. waaaahhhhh.

i need to read about another pairing sometimes, one that's not as insanely difficult to make right, one that has an intrinstic understanding and rapport between the characters already worked into it. it's very frustrating to realize that harry & draco are far far away from having something really -binding- them, and the things that tear them apart are petty things harry would be better off getting -over-, yes, but that doesn't mean it makes sense to fall for draco in the process of not being unable to see him as a human being. people usually -admire- something about the people they love, those people fill some need in them, something they may not realize they need. in fanon, as i told sistermagpie, draco's the truth-teller, the person who calls harry on his bullshit, the person who challenges harry out of his ruts-- he's like a lightning rod, enabling harry to summon passion and conviction if it flags, making harry -feel- things. this is basically a complete fantasy, as far as canon goes-- and while that's okay, no one ever said h/d was the most canonical ship ever, it still bothers me.

not because i'm all about strictly-canon shipping (obviously, this tends to leave slash right out) and extrapolating realistically and all that junk, it's just....
    i like to feel like i'm just putting 2 and 2 together, i'm making this better, i'm making an alternate ending rather than rewriting the characters and changing the whole story. and this is laughable since i don't -write- inspired by canon to start with (i mostly get inspired by fanfic, in hp -and- gundam wing)... but if i start thinking that the only thing canon draco and fanon draco have in common are their names, i start to not see the point, really, since if you can say -anything-, the truth of the original harry & draco gets lost completely, splintered into myriad numbers of often irreconcilable truths, all different. and a part of me wants there to be -one- story, one whole story in there somewhere, even if it's told over and over again. but now i sound like i'm on crack.

that's why post-hogwarts h/d bothers me, maybe. in order for their relationship to work, they'd both have to grow up-- to change-- in a certain way, maybe even change each other. and at that point, after school, they'd have grown up already, and it would be too late, then.

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

i know exactly what you mean ('cause i suppose i'm like that too), except i wonder if "innocence" ever exists once you have experience. i mean, i know for "grown up" people -everything- becomes sexual and stays that way (sexy piano legs and stuff like that)... but that's only if you repress it, you know? it doesn't necessarily have to contrast. maybe these fluctuations are like any other mood-swing-- sometimes the world seems beautiful and sometimes ugly, but there's nothing constant except the constancy of one's mutable perception.

people who always see things the same way kind of scare me >

[wankersore.livejournal.com]

you have a great point. i was going to debate back on the "i think innocence can exist even with experience" but i think your point is too strong, and all i can do is say, well, maybe not in this case, or this case, but otherwise, yeah. so, haha. :-*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee. actually, i didn't put enough effort into that 'cause i was sleepy. ~:)
i meant to say that yes, innocence can coexist in the ssense of-- you can have it come over you, like a forgetting, like a moon, like a frame of mind and a perception of the world, but you can never return to -true- innocence which is merely a lack of information, you know?

depends how you define innocence, i guess~:)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee! like a moon! *coughs*
like a mood, i meant -.-
and...er... "sense". yes, i can barely see anymore, yes ^^;