~~ end of ootp update. not a review.

[reenka]

so, i just finished. just now.
and i should process, and this is my way of processing, i guess, always has been.
i didn't even know i wanted to do it until now....

on the one hand, i still cannot deal. i haven't read my friends list, or the mailing lists, and i don't know if i could even tomorrow. i thought i couldn't read fanfic-- not for the next few days, maybe a week or more-- but on the other hand, i don't want to deal with it being DONE, with there being NO MORE and i sort of want to get away from the sudden void (i've been reading nonstop since my mother left), and drown myself in harry/draco, especially since i stupidly checked and saw there's chapter 13 of `thicker than blood', full of h/d angst just like the good old days, i'm sure.

so this is what i'm doing instead-- not reviewing, spewing. because the important things about this have nothing to do with h/d, and much though i squeed sometimes, my main pleasure and drive in this has been harry, harry, harry. i can't see how -anyone- can not love harry best of them all-- i mean-- more than draco, more than sirius. harry is just amazing, and i felt so much for him throughout this, he became so much more real somehow. sigh.

i guess after all those fics with 5/6th-year harry characterizations seem so paltry and almost funny now, because ...well... that wasn't harry. many people have dracos i can easily love, but this is probably the only harry i truly believe in and love, besides thess' (weird, huh). but that's probably as it should be.

so.

h/d isn't dead. it's a bit bruised, though, and the more the book wore on, the more my affection for draco (initially very strong) wore thin. not 'cause he's evil, but because he's a stupid little brat, and we all knew that, but why does he deserve harry, exactly? not that my otp has changed or there's anything to take its place... it's just... not forefront, especially after sirius and dumbledore's speech and the department of mysteries (which i've always wanted to know more about, especially since there's fanfic that mentions it without ever going into detail-- funny how so much fanfic shies away from anything that'd require seriously intense use of the imagination).

i remember my extreme orgasmic moment when harry punched draco (much exacerbated by my shared fondness for the scenario with addictedkitten, since we talked so much about that very possibility for book 5 and all... i couldn't BELIEVE it happened). i remember how happy i was harry/ginny is mercifully dead. mmmmm.... DEAD (to all intents and purposes anyway). as dead as harry/cho (which i was actually semi-willing to accept though i thought the characterization of cho as worthy love-interest would've needed a lot more work for it to be successful-- at this point, luna seems more likely, and she's like the female neville, so -that's- not gonna happen-- no stomach-flips, anyway, that's a sure give-away it's not love). v. good.... but.

my extreme interest was probably at its highest in the department of mysteries. sirius' death-- the orbs of prophecy-- the room of pure emotion-- the veil (which i'm almost certain we'll see again, since it wasn't explained)-- but most importantly, sirius, and .....here i -died-..... harry's use of crucio.

and, of course, it was muffled by the fact that it was unsuccessful and that harry didn't really mean it, but the fact that he'd -do- that, just.... i mean. this early, just like that. it was brilliant. brilliant.

the "everything" that dumbledore explained seemed to merely reinforce things we all probably suspected (except for the neat trick about petunia's blood-- nifty bit of logic, there)-- but i LOVE, love, LOVE harry's emotional development, his growth this year from cedric to sirius. everyone thought CEDRIC was going to change everything, but he just set the stage, because heroic and empathic and all as harry is, he didn't -love- cedric, now did he. of course it had to be someone harry loved that died, otherwise it wouldn't change things enough. i mean, hagrid dying would -upset- harry, but not necessarily drive him into a killing rage. i'm guessing. plus hagrid is unlikely to be that directly tied up with voldemort and a confrontation, and so on. plus he can't defend himself as a competent wizard and yet isn't completely innocent and helpless like a muggle or cedric. so yah. he was my front-runner and i suppose i can see why not. ginny was second place, but i guess harry wouldn't be -that- upset (not even as upset as with hagrid). so yah. i guess i thought he loved sirius too much, but obviously that's the point.

as an aside, tillytilly wrote this past september that sirius was an outsider for death (on her list of who's most likely), 'cause he's suffered enough. the only flaw with this logic is that -harry's- suffered enough too, hasn't he? as has lupin (having to deal with grieving for padfoot AGAIN). so yah, i guess that doesn't count for much.

i think a bright point in all this is that we don't have to worry (as much?) anymore that harry's gonna die. since one of them is slated for death and voldemort obviously has to die, harry seems like a shoo-in for life. or something like that. i'm sure everyone has said all there is to say about silly logic-games like this already, but hey, i haven't read any of that, so. heh.

i love the new mysteries-- luna, the veil, the existence of the horses, the giant angle, harry's continuing separation (and wow, i was getting a tad worried because i don't care about the plot that much in ANY fanfic, not beyond pairing and emotional dynamics, i was worried i just don't -care- about plot like "normal" people)-- all the fic that pinned it on cedric-- and now it's -happened-, it's really happened, and it's not really like anyone imagined, quite. he's much more of a -boy-, and yet he has all these really strong emotions anyway, which is hard to manage-- but of course, he represses and confuses himself like any normal 15-year-old, not sure what he feels, angry and empty and yet not -overt- while blindingly obvious at the same time, yes, yes, YES.

more than ever, both his dark side and his heroism are clear. his innate love, his innate stength of spirit, his dedication and loyalty, and also his thoughtless cruelties and blind spots and his ever-more extreme temper, his inability to let go of grudges getting him in ever more trouble (just as it's doing to snape), his hardening, which so many have foreseen but not managed to pull off while retaining his essential heart, the thing that makes harry, -harry-.

and yet, as much as he'd been closed-minded, he -has- let up a little with snape, he -has- reconsidered his father (which i thought was utterly brilliant, the whole chapter with snape & sirius & james was one of my absolute favorites and i honestly think i have more affection for it than for the slytherin/gryffindor post-match scene, which is rather unpartisan of me, i think). though really, i dunno if these are really -comparable-, since now i remember how much i adored fred & george's departing scene (that was just -priceless-), and um... yah, that has nothing to do with anything. totally different. so yeah.

as i said, i'm not -reviewing-, i'm just rambling, responding. i see all this not-really-new and yet newly deepened definition to harry, often said to be the see-through character, the character who is so omnipresent we (as the readers) don't really know who he is. and with ootp, i don't see how anyone can say that, because i think this was all harry, and in a different, more emotional way i think. his rage, his fear, his emptiness and fierceness and loyalty and pain-- he's just blinding, just like whatever's in that locked room.

which is partly why i can't give up on his relationship to either snape or draco, the way he'd easily given up on cho. now more than before, perhaps, he needs something to tie him to the past, to remind him he can feel something else, the same thing and yet -different-, that he can deal with the things he'd accepted as true. he can't be allowed to go on hating them the same as ever, all the way through, he just -can't-, i don't think he could handle it. i think harry is up to the challenge of changing, though i don't know if either draco or snape are. snape is just completely unreasonable, as bad as draco in his way, and maybe worse because he's compartmentalized his mature, idealistic, thinking self from his completely immature feeling self, and the rift is just... frighteningly strong and severe. but at least he -does- have a range of emotions, severed and pain-filled as they are. draco retains the emotional range of a teaspoon-- that is to say-- rage, fake disdain, rage, suppressed rage, fear, suppressed fear, infantile desire for parental-figure approval, greed for approval, greed, etc (unlike ron, who's adorable and it's even -more- clear now that no one does him or his sense of humor or his utter cuteness justice, dammit, WHY GOD WHY and RON/HERMIONE 4EVA, OMG THEY KILL ME!!!!111!1!!)

hopefully his fathers' incarceration will teach him -something-, but i doubt it, since he seems to have responded in his predictable pattern of rage/fear/rage/blustering. great. i'm really not looking forward to deciding (again) whether now he can still be in the running for "worthwhile person and someone harry may someday respect". this is usually the long version of "redeemed" but that's such a loaded word, really. i can see how harry would pity him the way he almost pitied snape, but i don't think that's a good direction to go, as a shipper, so. um. yah. tight spot.

actually, i was -terrified- of draco's possible complete lapse into unsaveability only once. i was just terrified-- couldn't even -read- for a few minutes-- had to take a breather-- when umbridge was about to torture harry, right before hermione had her little interruption. for a second, i thought she was going to cast crucio on him in front of malfoy (which i should've known wouldn't happen, jkr wouldn't write harry as that weak and vulnerable in front of malfoy and give malfoy the satisfaction)-- and i thought draco might-- i dunno-- laugh or something, as harry was tortured. because -any- fanfic draco that i can stand behind getting together with harry would have had to crack at that point and scream "no". if real!draco would smile like he was being pleasantly caressed-- well-- i mean-- that's it then, isn't it. i got quite emotional and was saying goodbye to h/d, even. i was that scared. heh.

i think harry not telling ron & hermione about the prophecy is v., -very- important. it's the first important thing he's ever witheld from them-- and sure, a lot of fanfic goes this route (a rift in the threesome 'cause of some new dire knowledge of harry's-- often his gayness, ahahaha as if that's the worst he'd have to face-- i daresay he wouldn't much care, really). but anyway, he's facing this -without- draco, without any support-- he's alone now, much more alone than in any fic where he shuts himself off from ron & hermione only to confide in draco, as often happens. no, this is much more realistic, and more frightening, i think. and yes, it often happens in 5th-year fic, but it's exhilarating knowing it's canon now and we'll see it actually play out, no easy answers like draco on the horizon.

i wonder if there really -will- be some sort of otherwordly reunion with sirius. probably, just for the sake of resolution, but probably not till book 7, though i'm not sure, harry may need serious help before then, some sort of new deep emotional attachment to pull him to the surface, make him trust his heart again.

obviously, we haven't yet seen anyone who's really up for the job, although it's entirely possible that he'll just crack and confide in ron & hermione-- truth is, he probably will have to for the sake of plot-- you can't have them in the dark for long or he'll forced to slog through whatever happens alone and that's just too much to believe, though probably not without spending like 200 pages of book 6 moping and becoming a member of the walking dead. i'm guessing. maybe lupin, too, come to think of it. yes, they rather really really need each other now, don't they? maybe harry will realize that. in fact, he -has- to. lupin is the ONLY ONE who understands, no matter what dumbledore says. though i did so love the wonderful playing up of dumbledore's creepiness while preserving his utter trustworthiness and humanity. heh. anyone who seriously mistrusts dumbledore has to mistrust harry, in a way, and then it all falls apart anyway.

poor sirius, i should've known he was going to die because of all the frequent attention on him-- just like all the not-so-subtle attention paid to cedric in the 4th book, even in the mounting drama with cho. so yes, something had to happen with sirius, didn't it. on a random note, i'm guessing sirius' mirror will be useful for something in the next two books, but i'm really curious as to -what-.....

the idea of a magic discipline for resisting mind-control seems obvious and brilliant at the same time, and it makes me laugh because no one's even come close to thinking of it before, and often enough a fanfic's plotty part revolves around voldemort invading harry's mind or dreams or something. i mean, -yes-, yes, of -course- voldemort would eventually realize harry's ability to feel what he feels, see what he sees, and try to manipulate it and would have to be fought-- quite obviously logical, really.

so overall, it seems that by the start of year 6, harry ends up at the place most fic places in him in at the start of year 5-- disillusioned, confused, depressed, apathetic, angry, not wanting to play the old games anymore. mmmm, sounds promising. it sounds as if dumbledore will tell him more now, and that harry will want to hear it less (maybe). i think the harry/neville revelation is unexpected and yet it seems like a wonderful sort of natural connection. there's definitely something there. it definitely looks like they're the junior order of the phoenix, doesn't it-- harry, hermione, ron, neville, ginny and luna. it's a funny sort of dichotomy, this over-abundance of allies, this sense that harry's not doing it alone more than ever, and yet he's alone in so many more ways now. or rather, the only way that counts-- internally.

i still think in some ideal world where symbolism works the way it should, harry needs draco-- or at least, someone who would symbolically be equivalent, and there's no real substitute for draco-- someone who'd maybe understand and yet someone who'd emotionally challenge him at the same time. but obviously, in canon, he won't -get- draco, so i really wonder who and what will end up filling that void, now that sirius made it even more gaping than before. obviously, he can't bond with cho because she's too girly (he seems to like more um... asexual girls, ala hermione and maybe luna? i'm not sure). i'm thinking maybe luna (she hears the voices, she sees the horses-- she understands things that no one else seems to), but she seems too ungrounded (too loopy?) for harry-- she can't be an equal, though she can be helpful, like ginny. so i dunno. also, they lack that spark. sigh. whereas harry & draco have plenty of spark (of course), but... well... the understanding harry so desperately needs seems ridiculous to expect.

another thing about malfoy that bothered me is how it's being rubbed in very obviously that he's not harry's equal (same issue i have with luna). i mean, he beats draco at -every turn-. it's just really pathetic. he's a joke-- harry says as much. i'll be surprised if in the 6th book harry will still care -what- malfoy does-- just like in all the silly fanfic. and maybe, just like in all the silly fanfic, that'll inspire some change on malfoy's part. we shall see. but i doubt it. though of course, hope springs a turtle, all that.

oh, btw, luna.
um. i dunno if anyone cares-- but you know how everyone finds a character to identify with, to say, "well, that's me", in the hp books? heh. or at least, some people (lame people like me) do. well, anyway-- i'm probably the most like luna out of any character previously introduced. heh heh. scary, huh. but yes, it's v. true. much more like luna than like hermione (which is what most of us bookish fic-writers end up identifying with, right). but yes, hermione is waaaaay more like my mother than like me (scary, really). i'm very much like luna (except well, secretly she has to have quite a temper, i think). also, she's probably rather important, just like neville. hee hee.

ginny-as-seeker was cute, especially since it's not unknown (though rare) in fanfic. also, well, all the sirius ships are now dead (along with sirius). i'm torn between being sad and very perversely glad that some of them will annoy me no longer. i adore sirius/remus.... i still do.... and it hurts... but there was just... too much. there's been too much pain, too much that went wrong, too much still to come, for me to want to imagine their future post-azkaban. they are somewhat perfect in hogwarts, marauder days (though i'm tempted by sirius/james, actually-- hee-- james is SO ron/hermione with lily i don't have the heart).

and again, unrelatedly, this means we'll KNOW whenever harry's Match comes along (assuming she ever does), in canon (don't shoot, don't shoot, obviously it's still draco in my heart). 'cause well, lily/james and ron/hermione are blindingly obvious, aren't they. i have a feeling that's just how she -writes- these sort of things. so yah. we'll know without a shadow of a doubt, just like when reading a page of dialogue between lily & james, i'm sure of it. awwww~:)

anyway, will shut up now. this is still not a review. yes, i'll just keep saying that. 'cause i still hope to come with something that's actually -coherent-. later.
~~

and er. yah, still incommunicado, btw.
EDIT - omg!! i just skimmed a tiny bit of nothingbutfic's lj (rather randomly) and didn't actually -read- anything but apparently, while i'm away in my little hidey-hole, people are having an ootp backlash!!1!!!!11!!!!

omg!!!

THAT IS SO WEIRD!!

so um. to get this really clear: i LOVE ootp. i understand it's dark, depressing, heavy, but it's so, so expected, so perfectly in tune with `goblet of fire', so completely well-characterized, the harry is just -brilliant-, everyone but cho and umbridge-- er-- it's not a spoiler to say her name is it-- (and maybe even cho) seem totally realistic, and i -adore- this book, adore adore ADORE.

ahahah. so like, backlash, huh.

ha!

i agree with abaddon. this is so the greatest canon ever. people are so weird. *shakes head and walks away, luna-style*

Comments

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

See, to me, OotP makes H/D more likely in canon than any other canon we've seen yet. which is probably why I'm bouncing all over myself writing post-OotP H/D (http://www.livejournal.com/users/nothingbutfic/50330.html#cutid1) because angry-yet-distanced!Harry and attention-seeking!Draco, well. It! Is! So! Canon!