~~ and some days i hate being a romantic.
Jun. 4th, 2003 06:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaone of the stranger things about myself is how i constantly re-discover my americas. for instance. i feel weird about the limitations i place upon myself with my otp obsession, right. how it's hard to write in a more "realistic" style, basically, where love isn't assured and people aren't right for each other sometimes, and it just "doesn't work out" for mundane, stupid reasons, and so on and so forth.
you wouldn't think i'd be able to forget that i'm a hopeless romantic and that kind of tints everything.
i mean, the cute kind of realism comes easily to me. i can easily remember all sorts of minute details about life, random observations and silly things most people would ignore. the problem is the ugly things, the things that you wish you didn't have to know if you knew it as a child. how dreams can be empty and promises can be lies and you're not who you thought you were when you looked up at the sky to check if the moon was still following you. life was full of possibilities, everything seemed alive, you most of all.
in the end, i think the terms "otp" and "otp'er" are just misleading. i'm not an otp'er. it's not about harry & draco being my otp and me being obsessed with them, really. because i basically -always- feel that way. i'm an old-fashioned romantic, that's all.
in a way, i feel bad, because i'm kind of imposing my own emotional make-up onto the characters. -i- am very picky about who i would consider worth being with. sure, you -can- be with any number of people, but what's the point if it's not... like -that-? you can pair up any character-- any person-- with any other person. it's like a game. people in real life go to bars, pick up strangers. etc. people live with all manner of people who're bad for them, who they have nothing in common with or -worse-, who abuse them and make them miserable. that's a pairing method too. hey, why don't i pair characters X and Y, they'd really have interesting misery together. why make them be happy? misery is more interesting. that's a point of view, too.
i always wanted perfection-- and you don't tend to get that with a whole range of people. at -most-, at the very -most-, you can expect to end up being equally fulfilled with two people you would know simultaneously, in real life. usually, this doesn't happen. usually, out of all the people you know at any point, there is a number you may be nominally attracted to, a smaller number you love, and an even smaller number you would want to spend a whole lot of time with. but-- and this is only if you're really lucky-- there's only one person in your life who is -everything- to you. you adore them, you want them, you need them, you would die without them. how can this be five possible people? who the hell is that lucky (or cursed)??
-that's- why i tend to have an otp. just because this other pairing has chemistry too doesn't mean it has to -happen-, in my head. you could remain friends-- that's realistic, isn't it. just because there are issues there doesn't mean they fall under the category of `immortal beloved'.
i realize a lot of people don't even believe in all that `immortal beloved' bullshit. and isn't it limiting to only write about that sort of love, considering just how rare it is? i can see writing about other possibilities to detail how they'll fail, how they won't work out. the sad thing is, i realize this is pretty much an impossible ideal, anyway, so why deny a character love just because it's not perfect. nothing is perfect, anyway. but that is only one truth.
i think, also, that that sort of love only works for certain sorts of people. people who feel with all their souls-- are fully, passionately alive. they may not think they're idealistic, but they usually are. you need a broad capacity for dreams, to love like that. you need to have some desire to surpass the mundane, to really -believe- in someone. a lot of people (characters, that is) just lack the imagination, realistically speaking, or at least this would be true for one of the pair. and without this capacity for faith, it would fall apart, fall prey to the ravages of mundane time.
if one thinks about it, it seems that all these popular slash pairings (which is what i know best) have at least one of the characters be "the romantic". one of them has to be the one who can be relied upon to believe in the other, to tolerate all sorts of set-backs and disappointments.
maybe i don't even know what it's like to not be like that, to settle for someone who's -there-, who's easy. but maybe i do. i do know what it's like to stay in a relationship when everything turns flat and featureless, past the point where it's just a burden. everyone knows what it's like to chronically not get what you want or what you need, to consistently deny yourself and pretend things are okay when they aren't, convince yourself you're someone you're not just because it's easier..... yah, i know about that.
so i guess i vaccilate between accepting it-- that is, saying, okay, i'm a romantic and i just have to deal with it-- and feeling inadequate and silly, like i'm too old to have such a stubborn desire for these impossible things. which may not -really- be impossible, but i shouldn't be so stubborn and single-minded about it. i should be more reasonable. i should remember the world (and other people) don't necessarily work like that. and i'm a writer. the point is to show things not just how they -should- be, but how they -are-.
i'm such a typical romantic, too. it's sad, but at least i'm self-aware? all my fandoms have favorite pairings that fit your basic "opposites attract" mold. i'm seriously just a step away from slashing the colors black and white (and red & blue, and plus and minus, and yes and no, and the numbers 6 & 9... okay, i'll stop now). my reason for not shipping anything outside that one pairing tends to be, "but, but! they're not perfect!" heh. and i -know- nothing's perfect, especially not relationships. and no one lives forever. no one flies. there is no such thing as someone whom everyone wants to sleep with (hello, brian kinney). there are no vulcans. vampires don't come with souls. fifteen-year-old boys do -not- fall in love and stay together forever afterwards, after they'd managed to survive a war and save the world several times over. yes, we know.
maybe this is like sleeping in on sundays, or like mike's father being a vietnam war hero, except not. it's all in what you -want-. more dreams.
if i really try-- and i mean, i -really- try-- if i'm honest... i will admit that one day, brian and justin will break up for good, and not get back together. friendship, you can count on, to an extent-- it's likely enough brian & mike will always be friends. but lovers forever? when one of the people can't stop sleeping around and the other is 18??
and please. enemies-turned-lovers? at age 15-18? permanence?? that's why they call it puppy love, etc etc, right.
yah, i don't even know what i'm saying. the cynicism is hard to resist. well, to hell with it. it's a lie, for me anyway. i may not be able to -prove- it, and it may be stupid and juvenile and naive-- but i've believed there's one person for everybody all my life. and you can love other people, want other people, need other people. but in the end, you would come back to this one truth. even if you don't admit it to yourself. somewhere... somewhere deep in the heart of lovers the knowledge remains. it's not that dreams -come- true. dreams -are- true, in the heart of the dreamer, even if nowhere else. and even if forever means nothing outside of this momentary union, even if both people go on to deny everything and live out their lives in mundanity... for the time that they believed, the possible became real. and that makes it all worth it. i have to believe that.
~~
i leave you with this. an overhead conversation between two boys:
- do you think i have a soggy penis?
- YES.
you wouldn't think i'd be able to forget that i'm a hopeless romantic and that kind of tints everything.
i mean, the cute kind of realism comes easily to me. i can easily remember all sorts of minute details about life, random observations and silly things most people would ignore. the problem is the ugly things, the things that you wish you didn't have to know if you knew it as a child. how dreams can be empty and promises can be lies and you're not who you thought you were when you looked up at the sky to check if the moon was still following you. life was full of possibilities, everything seemed alive, you most of all.
in the end, i think the terms "otp" and "otp'er" are just misleading. i'm not an otp'er. it's not about harry & draco being my otp and me being obsessed with them, really. because i basically -always- feel that way. i'm an old-fashioned romantic, that's all.
in a way, i feel bad, because i'm kind of imposing my own emotional make-up onto the characters. -i- am very picky about who i would consider worth being with. sure, you -can- be with any number of people, but what's the point if it's not... like -that-? you can pair up any character-- any person-- with any other person. it's like a game. people in real life go to bars, pick up strangers. etc. people live with all manner of people who're bad for them, who they have nothing in common with or -worse-, who abuse them and make them miserable. that's a pairing method too. hey, why don't i pair characters X and Y, they'd really have interesting misery together. why make them be happy? misery is more interesting. that's a point of view, too.
i always wanted perfection-- and you don't tend to get that with a whole range of people. at -most-, at the very -most-, you can expect to end up being equally fulfilled with two people you would know simultaneously, in real life. usually, this doesn't happen. usually, out of all the people you know at any point, there is a number you may be nominally attracted to, a smaller number you love, and an even smaller number you would want to spend a whole lot of time with. but-- and this is only if you're really lucky-- there's only one person in your life who is -everything- to you. you adore them, you want them, you need them, you would die without them. how can this be five possible people? who the hell is that lucky (or cursed)??
-that's- why i tend to have an otp. just because this other pairing has chemistry too doesn't mean it has to -happen-, in my head. you could remain friends-- that's realistic, isn't it. just because there are issues there doesn't mean they fall under the category of `immortal beloved'.
i realize a lot of people don't even believe in all that `immortal beloved' bullshit. and isn't it limiting to only write about that sort of love, considering just how rare it is? i can see writing about other possibilities to detail how they'll fail, how they won't work out. the sad thing is, i realize this is pretty much an impossible ideal, anyway, so why deny a character love just because it's not perfect. nothing is perfect, anyway. but that is only one truth.
i think, also, that that sort of love only works for certain sorts of people. people who feel with all their souls-- are fully, passionately alive. they may not think they're idealistic, but they usually are. you need a broad capacity for dreams, to love like that. you need to have some desire to surpass the mundane, to really -believe- in someone. a lot of people (characters, that is) just lack the imagination, realistically speaking, or at least this would be true for one of the pair. and without this capacity for faith, it would fall apart, fall prey to the ravages of mundane time.
if one thinks about it, it seems that all these popular slash pairings (which is what i know best) have at least one of the characters be "the romantic". one of them has to be the one who can be relied upon to believe in the other, to tolerate all sorts of set-backs and disappointments.
maybe i don't even know what it's like to not be like that, to settle for someone who's -there-, who's easy. but maybe i do. i do know what it's like to stay in a relationship when everything turns flat and featureless, past the point where it's just a burden. everyone knows what it's like to chronically not get what you want or what you need, to consistently deny yourself and pretend things are okay when they aren't, convince yourself you're someone you're not just because it's easier..... yah, i know about that.
so i guess i vaccilate between accepting it-- that is, saying, okay, i'm a romantic and i just have to deal with it-- and feeling inadequate and silly, like i'm too old to have such a stubborn desire for these impossible things. which may not -really- be impossible, but i shouldn't be so stubborn and single-minded about it. i should be more reasonable. i should remember the world (and other people) don't necessarily work like that. and i'm a writer. the point is to show things not just how they -should- be, but how they -are-.
i'm such a typical romantic, too. it's sad, but at least i'm self-aware? all my fandoms have favorite pairings that fit your basic "opposites attract" mold. i'm seriously just a step away from slashing the colors black and white (and red & blue, and plus and minus, and yes and no, and the numbers 6 & 9... okay, i'll stop now). my reason for not shipping anything outside that one pairing tends to be, "but, but! they're not perfect!" heh. and i -know- nothing's perfect, especially not relationships. and no one lives forever. no one flies. there is no such thing as someone whom everyone wants to sleep with (hello, brian kinney). there are no vulcans. vampires don't come with souls. fifteen-year-old boys do -not- fall in love and stay together forever afterwards, after they'd managed to survive a war and save the world several times over. yes, we know.
maybe this is like sleeping in on sundays, or like mike's father being a vietnam war hero, except not. it's all in what you -want-. more dreams.
if i really try-- and i mean, i -really- try-- if i'm honest... i will admit that one day, brian and justin will break up for good, and not get back together. friendship, you can count on, to an extent-- it's likely enough brian & mike will always be friends. but lovers forever? when one of the people can't stop sleeping around and the other is 18??
and please. enemies-turned-lovers? at age 15-18? permanence?? that's why they call it puppy love, etc etc, right.
yah, i don't even know what i'm saying. the cynicism is hard to resist. well, to hell with it. it's a lie, for me anyway. i may not be able to -prove- it, and it may be stupid and juvenile and naive-- but i've believed there's one person for everybody all my life. and you can love other people, want other people, need other people. but in the end, you would come back to this one truth. even if you don't admit it to yourself. somewhere... somewhere deep in the heart of lovers the knowledge remains. it's not that dreams -come- true. dreams -are- true, in the heart of the dreamer, even if nowhere else. and even if forever means nothing outside of this momentary union, even if both people go on to deny everything and live out their lives in mundanity... for the time that they believed, the possible became real. and that makes it all worth it. i have to believe that.
~~
i leave you with this. an overhead conversation between two boys:
- do you think i have a soggy penis?
- YES.
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-04 11:34 pm (UTC)i don't know if it's worse that i'm a chronic otp-er. like, i -always- have something like that i want to create. 'course, most love stories are rather conducive to it, really. even `queer as folk', eheheheh. though not so much with `smallville' or `highlander', for which i have no excuse ><;; since i don't even -care- that much with those shows, but -still- i have a strong single-pairing conviction. once i pair, i PAIR. that's just -it-. once sirius/remus clicked in my head with `drawing down the moon', that was -it-. click, lock, end of story. same with ron & hermione. i'm a rabid militant romantic. *laughs*
it's so weird. 'cause i was watching qaf... and i -want- to hate justin when he's kissing this other boy, but you know, it's till hot. so i can appreciate it on that level. but when brian & justin kiss, i just get hypnotized and wanna see it over and over. my own emotions kind of pay off dividends, or something. *laughs* ahh, the joys of obsession ^^
and while i may complain about my narrow range-- i may -write- weird pairings, but reading them is too much for me. i can barely read all the -h/d- i wanna read, forget everthing else. i -certainly- would never be able to sit through say, a harry/hermione story. or even a ron/hermione story. i got into the fanfic business for h/d, and that is still why i'm here, so that probably skews it ~:)
well, that and the lack of hot gay sex in h/hr >:D