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reenkaif you're curious as to why i'm updating (and no you're not, but okay), it's because i'm at what might loosely be considered work and this is a -really- slow 'puter, so no vids. a faster 'puter would mean no vids too, 'cause they're all restricted. but anyway.
since i'm not quite at the withdrawal stage with qaf right now, i'm not reading transcripts but rather thinking slash meta as usual (does anyone else think about this as much as me? i'm a freak aren't i).
actually being in a primarily visually based slashy obsession for the first time (ie, i love them 'cause they look so right together more than any other reason), is making me more conscious than usual of the weird identity issues here. i'm not a straight female, exactly, but... it just seems that identifying with gay males is more... subversive, cuts closer to the quick somehow that just the usual reader identification with a hetero male.
a heterosexual male would be the obvious Other, on the opposite end of the spectrum, but there's such a built-in distance there that one is always aware that one is not that (being a semi-straight girl, anyway). there are all sorts of factors going into that.
but connecting with a gay male character is more complex, because there's more fuzziness, less built-in barriers and reactions. as a ssf (semi-straight female-- not saying queer because the word's too loaded and strong in this case), one doesn't know quite how to relate, so one creates a whole new paradigm, almost. it's not quite as slip-in-easy as with a female, but it's definitely different from a straight male. possibly this is why queer females are not uncommon in the slash-writing circles.
i sort of almost -forget- who i am while lost in this world of two-boys-in-love, and yet i -don't-, i -can't-. it's a weird feeling. possibly, this is why femmeslash doesn't move me so much, usually. instead of forgetting, escaping myself, i would be thrust very very firmly into my own skin-- i -am- a girl who likes girls. somehow being a girl who likes boys isn't as personal, doesn't single me -out- so much. but as a girl who likes girls, i'm very hyper-aware, and there's this groundedness, this enforcing of identity. and that's an attractionin itself-- sometimes it's nice to be closer to yourself. but slash, to me, is all about blurring the boundaries and allowing a sort of delirious fusion. i can be queer and straight and nothing at all. i can just be -sexual-, someone whose mind can almost elude the usual classifications.
which, of course, is as disturbing as it is addictive -.-
somewhat perversely, knowing that some (most?) of the qaf actors are straight (in both versions) is rather bothering me. which might be limited thinking but there you go. it's like, the ice is thin or something. thinking of them as straight men in any degree whatsoever just totally deflates me, even though i'm all going on about the weird fuzzy boundaries. sigh. i was rather ridiculously pleased the guy who plays justin is out. like. eeek. sohappy! a bit guilty about it though. though i mean, it's important to imagine they're enjoying it, somehow, otherwise... i mean. the whole "get into character" thing. can you get into a sexuality as part of getting into character? *laughs* oh man -.-
~~
apropos of nothing except a lame-ish qaf vid, i have this huge urge to do a `closer' layout for this lj (and just how nonfitting would -that- be). how, i dunno, but it would have lots of thorns, red splashes, and black dangling weird objects. anyone who'd look would think i'm this horribly angsty teenager. just, using "you get me closer to god" as a heartfelt curse pushes all the right buttons in my head. rage and divinity and need and fear and descent into madness and love, love everywhere, even in hell. love, especially in hell.
i have this deep need to write fics about love in descent, love that follows-- or at least, it's a major theme in my mind and writing. there are major fairy-tales i associate with it: persephone, orpheus, tam lin, the snow queen, the little mermaid, beauty and the beast to a degree. true love always winds up in hell at one point. the changing psyche can't help but go under-- where the raw things are, where the hidden things are. that's partly why the dv "follow you to the gates of hell" speech evokes such powerful emotional responses-- there are all sorts of pre-existing symbolic resonances there.
there's a reason these are called the orphic Mysteries (which probably means next to nothing to most of you and i can't even coherently explain it so i'm sorry). that's why, i think, i want to write my tam-lin!h/d one day, partly where my carnival!h/d was drawing from-- the mysteries of desire & wish-fulfillment, the quest to see the Other as they truly are, and discover who you are in the bargain. peeling away the layers of masks, going deeper and deeper until all is darkness and pain is a tangible thing, breatheable like the air.
i guess it's just that one day, i want to write that story about love in descent, truly symbolically fleshed out, something that traces the path of the lover to what is really self-realization, the discovery of self within a mirror of the Other. the mirror-world, the world of darkness, of mysteries. and since i love harry&draco so much, i wanted to write it about -them-.
i don't think this darkness is usually portrayed the way -i- see it-- as cathartic, as necessary. i don't see "angst" that's written in an intensely fearless way, where all this pain and desecration is meant almost as worship. (romantic) love needs pain-- it feeds off of it, just as people in general feed off the source of the darkness in them, let it heal them. darkness isn't just fear and lostness-- it's also starlit skies, the knowledge that you've got nothing to lose, the ability to feel awe, the need for mysteries.
life is a fleeting thing-- especially life in the sunlight. stretching out everywhere, to every side of us, is the endless dark, like the ocean covering most of the planet, and us standing on one small sandy shore. everything that's hidden and yet true is waiting for us to be able to see without illumination-- or perhaps without external light. it is only in darkness that you realize you always carried a fiercely bright internal light, a homing beacon. i've always intuitively believed that this descent into darkness is really a home-coming, a return to a deeper self. the pain recedes when you accept it, just as the darkness fades when you let it inside you, because in the end it was always there, baring its teeth at you every night. and you were baring your teeth back at it. you were always old friends, you and the darkness. your stories can only be stronger if they're stories told -in- the dark, with the dark wrapped around you and whispering in your ear, reminding you of the mysteries you can only sense and never really uncover. and neither were they meant to be.
the thing is, death isn't the worst thing-- believing in endings, that's the worst thing. loss isn't final. pain is a message to pay attention, not an answer to the question of, "why" or "what" or "how". love can be a message to pay attention too, just like pain-- and so often, they go together, pushing you down, threatening to drown you. i want to see more fic about what happens when you let yourself drown, not in a resigned, passive way, but in an entirely active and hopeful way. this descent, this drowning, is merely another journey, merely another direction. even if you're lost, you're going the right way because in the end, you don't have to move. all you have to do is see without looking-- encompass the contradictions. accept love and hate both. believe that you're alive. and then suddenly the barren wasteland where you thought you stood becomes something else entirely, and you're closer.
since i'm not quite at the withdrawal stage with qaf right now, i'm not reading transcripts but rather thinking slash meta as usual (does anyone else think about this as much as me? i'm a freak aren't i).
actually being in a primarily visually based slashy obsession for the first time (ie, i love them 'cause they look so right together more than any other reason), is making me more conscious than usual of the weird identity issues here. i'm not a straight female, exactly, but... it just seems that identifying with gay males is more... subversive, cuts closer to the quick somehow that just the usual reader identification with a hetero male.
a heterosexual male would be the obvious Other, on the opposite end of the spectrum, but there's such a built-in distance there that one is always aware that one is not that (being a semi-straight girl, anyway). there are all sorts of factors going into that.
but connecting with a gay male character is more complex, because there's more fuzziness, less built-in barriers and reactions. as a ssf (semi-straight female-- not saying queer because the word's too loaded and strong in this case), one doesn't know quite how to relate, so one creates a whole new paradigm, almost. it's not quite as slip-in-easy as with a female, but it's definitely different from a straight male. possibly this is why queer females are not uncommon in the slash-writing circles.
i sort of almost -forget- who i am while lost in this world of two-boys-in-love, and yet i -don't-, i -can't-. it's a weird feeling. possibly, this is why femmeslash doesn't move me so much, usually. instead of forgetting, escaping myself, i would be thrust very very firmly into my own skin-- i -am- a girl who likes girls. somehow being a girl who likes boys isn't as personal, doesn't single me -out- so much. but as a girl who likes girls, i'm very hyper-aware, and there's this groundedness, this enforcing of identity. and that's an attractionin itself-- sometimes it's nice to be closer to yourself. but slash, to me, is all about blurring the boundaries and allowing a sort of delirious fusion. i can be queer and straight and nothing at all. i can just be -sexual-, someone whose mind can almost elude the usual classifications.
which, of course, is as disturbing as it is addictive -.-
somewhat perversely, knowing that some (most?) of the qaf actors are straight (in both versions) is rather bothering me. which might be limited thinking but there you go. it's like, the ice is thin or something. thinking of them as straight men in any degree whatsoever just totally deflates me, even though i'm all going on about the weird fuzzy boundaries. sigh. i was rather ridiculously pleased the guy who plays justin is out. like. eeek. sohappy! a bit guilty about it though. though i mean, it's important to imagine they're enjoying it, somehow, otherwise... i mean. the whole "get into character" thing. can you get into a sexuality as part of getting into character? *laughs* oh man -.-
~~
apropos of nothing except a lame-ish qaf vid, i have this huge urge to do a `closer' layout for this lj (and just how nonfitting would -that- be). how, i dunno, but it would have lots of thorns, red splashes, and black dangling weird objects. anyone who'd look would think i'm this horribly angsty teenager. just, using "you get me closer to god" as a heartfelt curse pushes all the right buttons in my head. rage and divinity and need and fear and descent into madness and love, love everywhere, even in hell. love, especially in hell.
i have this deep need to write fics about love in descent, love that follows-- or at least, it's a major theme in my mind and writing. there are major fairy-tales i associate with it: persephone, orpheus, tam lin, the snow queen, the little mermaid, beauty and the beast to a degree. true love always winds up in hell at one point. the changing psyche can't help but go under-- where the raw things are, where the hidden things are. that's partly why the dv "follow you to the gates of hell" speech evokes such powerful emotional responses-- there are all sorts of pre-existing symbolic resonances there.
there's a reason these are called the orphic Mysteries (which probably means next to nothing to most of you and i can't even coherently explain it so i'm sorry). that's why, i think, i want to write my tam-lin!h/d one day, partly where my carnival!h/d was drawing from-- the mysteries of desire & wish-fulfillment, the quest to see the Other as they truly are, and discover who you are in the bargain. peeling away the layers of masks, going deeper and deeper until all is darkness and pain is a tangible thing, breatheable like the air.
i guess it's just that one day, i want to write that story about love in descent, truly symbolically fleshed out, something that traces the path of the lover to what is really self-realization, the discovery of self within a mirror of the Other. the mirror-world, the world of darkness, of mysteries. and since i love harry&draco so much, i wanted to write it about -them-.
i don't think this darkness is usually portrayed the way -i- see it-- as cathartic, as necessary. i don't see "angst" that's written in an intensely fearless way, where all this pain and desecration is meant almost as worship. (romantic) love needs pain-- it feeds off of it, just as people in general feed off the source of the darkness in them, let it heal them. darkness isn't just fear and lostness-- it's also starlit skies, the knowledge that you've got nothing to lose, the ability to feel awe, the need for mysteries.
life is a fleeting thing-- especially life in the sunlight. stretching out everywhere, to every side of us, is the endless dark, like the ocean covering most of the planet, and us standing on one small sandy shore. everything that's hidden and yet true is waiting for us to be able to see without illumination-- or perhaps without external light. it is only in darkness that you realize you always carried a fiercely bright internal light, a homing beacon. i've always intuitively believed that this descent into darkness is really a home-coming, a return to a deeper self. the pain recedes when you accept it, just as the darkness fades when you let it inside you, because in the end it was always there, baring its teeth at you every night. and you were baring your teeth back at it. you were always old friends, you and the darkness. your stories can only be stronger if they're stories told -in- the dark, with the dark wrapped around you and whispering in your ear, reminding you of the mysteries you can only sense and never really uncover. and neither were they meant to be.
the thing is, death isn't the worst thing-- believing in endings, that's the worst thing. loss isn't final. pain is a message to pay attention, not an answer to the question of, "why" or "what" or "how". love can be a message to pay attention too, just like pain-- and so often, they go together, pushing you down, threatening to drown you. i want to see more fic about what happens when you let yourself drown, not in a resigned, passive way, but in an entirely active and hopeful way. this descent, this drowning, is merely another journey, merely another direction. even if you're lost, you're going the right way because in the end, you don't have to move. all you have to do is see without looking-- encompass the contradictions. accept love and hate both. believe that you're alive. and then suddenly the barren wasteland where you thought you stood becomes something else entirely, and you're closer.
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-02 07:33 am (UTC)michael seems very straight to me. his doctor is really gay, you know, but i never believe michael. that's one of the things i liked about the british qaf - i believed it with all of them. and why i like the movie 'get real' despite it's sillyness - i like the dorky led boy, i really thought that he was gay for ages. you don't find ewan and jonny from velvet goldmine to be sex? they are so sex. and they totally liked it, jonny said that ewan was beautiful and that kissing him was a "perk" of the role. *fans self* i find that a lot of straight actors do have chemistry, personally, because it doesn't matter who they actually sleep with - it's a character they are playing. and as actors, they will usually not just lie in bed like fish going "when is this same-sex kissing going to be over?" you know? besides that, michelle williams and chloe sevigny making out on a bed is hot to me no matter what. doesn't matter if the two of them were the straightest of the straight in real life, if they can convince me on screen, that is what works.
must read 'the last unicorn'. perhaps i will hunt it down today...