reenka

deciding to scrap the stupid ending of my harry/cho story, "moonstruck" after someone on ff.net, also known as plebeland, decided to tell me that it wasn't really an R, that it needed more dialogue and romance and to be more "interesting" has made me realize something. i keep writing things just because. i think one reason for my writer's block in any particular story is because i don't want the story to go a certain way.

silviakundera has talked about this before.

in the case of "moonstruck", it was supposed to be smut-- i wrote it as part of the het smut challenge. the problem is, i can't imagine harry and cho fucking. i like the idea of the pairing, but it's kind of hopeless in my head. i sort of see where some people are coming from with h/d, i guess. i can write harry/cho-- just angsty and unrequited and rather sadly poignant. i can't write smut. i mean, i can -write- it, but i'd be lying, and i can't stand lying in a story. it gives me severe writer's block.

does anyone else have this problem?

so i decided i'll rewrite it without any need for smut. it's brilliant. the story breathes without this choke-hold of smut, finally. the person saying my fic wasn't R-rated really clicked something in me. i was -lying-. they were right. it isn't R-rated. it wasn't smut. it was stupid surrealist mumbo-jumbo i didn't believe in. god, why did i write it? it's just bullshit. what the hell was that, anyway? why does one write these insane things?

and people tell me it's "surreal" and "descriptive". well, to hell with that! it's bullshit is what it is. it's me talking out of my ass. i have -no- idea what i was saying, so obviously anyone who thinks about it rather than oohing and aahhhing about my language would see it.
that's the problem with a lot of my unfinished h/d fics. i don't know what the hell i'm saying.

i can write original fic like that, but that can go anywhere, do anything with characterization and plot. this has to stay believable, and obviously that isn't happening if i lie to myself about what i -know- is true.

ivy wrote yesterday that she writes fanfic out of a desire to explore certain ideas-- what it means to be a hero, the nature of courage and self-sacrifice and so on. and if you have some feeling of what you're exploring, the plot totally follows. plot -doesn't- happen when you're having an entirely utilitarian end-goal that's not connected with anything. say, you want two particular characters to fuck. that isn't something that breeds plot. all it breeds is artificial finagling that basically cripples the story.

that totally explains why i still haven't finished a "harry & draco get together" story, though i'm working on one at the moment. especially why i can't write "first sex -then- a relationship" or "just sex" in the pairing, even if i can enjoy it. harry would never "just fuck" draco, pure and simple. he just wouldn't. he wouldn't. come on, you all know he wouldn't, unless he went through some major trauma that changed him in some basic ways. it's a way to cheat, certainly. take away the qualities that make the event difficult and presto!.
i -could- write the story where say, draco is angry-- he sees harry walk by. he jumps him and rapes him and harry somehow submits or enjoys it and makes it semi-consensual. okay, there, sex.

and maybe that's why i couldn't write "realistic" h/d non-con (and instead wrote the usual surreal druggie version). my mind completely shies away from that. i mean, the truth is, i think fics like that are hot. i enjoyed a huge number of them (`the devil wants' comes to mind, being related to ailei). but that's just crap. such crap. it's not writing, it's just masturbation. crapcrapcrap. (though in the abovementioned fic, you get a rationalization afterwards, and it works for me-- and i actually love the fic, it's just the initial plot-device isn't something i can use without cringeing).

what happens with fics like that is that you can keep them -vaguely- in character, on the surface level. you can have their reactions be in line with a basic structure of their personality, even though their deeper motivations would be all screwy. you can have harry and draco still hate each other, you can have harry be disgusted with draco and with himself, you can have them cast spells at each other and beat each other up and be angry and vicious. but it's crap (in terms of general story-telling ideals, not in terms of whether one can get pleasure out of it).

i'm unable to pull off writing a fic where they just "click", anyway. and i mean, suddenly they're like cats in heat-- ooohhhh, rub me harder. i love it, but it's just impossible for me to write without completely feeling like a hack. and i hate feeling like a hack. and harry/cho is the same. every pairing is the same if you're trying to write a romance. if you're just trying to write people who've lost all inhibition and self-control, fine. but that's just messing with characters' minds, i think, rather than exploring them. you can always -use- the initial mess-up to explore later, but it will always wobble somewhat on its feet, because the premise is just inherently unstable.

for instance. i don't know why in the world hermione would have sex with pansy. i'm interested in femmeslash, and in hermione, and in pansy-- but there's no way hermione would "just do it". you'd need loads and loads and loads of build-up. blergh. weird, insane things happen-- but relationships don't result from them, usually. especially when the person is usually sober and rational by nature, like hermione. sigh.

people ask me to write things i don't believe in often enough, and i try. sometimes i get an angle, and it works out. but if i really -don't- believe it, it's just pointless. when you read a story, you have to suspend your disbelief. a less well-known truism would be to say that to write a story, the same holds.

you -can- write humor with things happening too fast, and it could work out. but that's because there's an acceptable element of the absurd in humor-- not surreal, just twisted. you're twisting reality for a certain -flavor-. there's no attempt to be honest, per se, merely amusing. which works, and which is how i got harry & draco to kiss within the space of two short fics. sigh.

man, this was rambly and pointless. but i felt suddenly indignant at myself for writing "moonstruck". i was such an idiot-- guilty that i wouldn't be able to hand in -anything- worthwhile for the challenge. now i feel a sense of relief-- i've cut off the tail-end of the story, but at least it's not crippled anymore, just unfinished. this honesty deal is such a relief. whew.