~~merely words, right.
Apr. 4th, 2003 12:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkai would say it's always like this, but it's not. maybe in a way, one's own personality determines events, and even moreso, one's own tendencies towards certain sorts of behavior goes even further in that direction. everyone-- a lot of people-- build their own world to live in-- whether you call it reality or fantasy, or merely opinion, i suppose. eventually, the question of -right- comes into it-- not just right and wrong, but -could- and -could not-. in my own mind, i tend to not consider these unless forced to, especially if whatever it is affects only me.
it's funny because i was paranoid that my identity had been shaped by forces outside of myself, simply by being social-- but especially by being online, only defined by these words. i never really -wanted- to be "the" anything, but neither do i act like one of the masses, i guess, which is by default, self-proclamatory, i suppose. if you are not silent, you are a voice, and singular voices are given a responsibility by whatever society they are in. merely by existing as a voice among the silent and the entirely tongue-tied, you are thus endowed with some sort of-- larger role. and it's not like anyone puts a hat on your head-- it all happens gradually and it feels natural and then, before you know it, you're so far from where you started-- a voice in the wilderness (and online, there is no wilderness anyway), that your head spins.
i suppose this isn't like the "masses" suddenly changed their mind about me, anyway. this is all sort of silly. it is merely my preconception that my words are my own, and i give them in the spirit of impersonal gift-giving-- take it or leave it, like any sort of natural product. and of course it can't be a natural anything, since first of all, in the land of opinions in a public sphere, you need a license-- something to make you equal and qualified. i am tempted to say that i don't see why you can't qualify or not on a case-by-case basis-- either you're agreed with or disagreed with, but that is being naive. eventually, after you are agreed with several times, you gain a buffer. this buffer is an interpersonal contract of sorts, i guess. given in trust, like a badge or something. maybe this is related to the whole phenomenon of fame, too.
the only thing that rather bothers me (on a theoretical level), is that conception of thoughts and opinions as a commodity. and i'm realistic enough to realize that thoughts & opinions are now and have always been one of the -major-, driving commodities of modern society, but that doesn't really make it better, because these are -my- thoughts, and they're being taken entirely apart from me, like a product that i may or may not be allowed to generate.
this probably all sounds rather abstract and esoteric and unrelated to reality. i can't really talk about it in any other way. i would never imagine passing judgment on someone's capacity to form any sort of mental structures whatsoever. this doesn't mean i don't have opinions on their thoughts-- and it doesn't mean i can't disapprove. but i wouldn't directly mandate their behavior, if all it consists of is acts of speech, whatever they themselves consist of. and i suppose here is where you make that distinction between thoughts and written words in a public sphere. but i am not in a position where i need to censor myself unless i can guarrantee i am able to defend it. this is, as far as i could tell, a free-for-all. i may be wrong-- it certainly isn't that chaotic, no human grouping is-- but regardless there is a large cacophony of voices, and mine is just-- well, that. mine.
again, this is naive. i am a particularly nonjudgemental person. i'm also particularly obsessed with a sort of extreme individual freedom, most especially in expression. i don't know if it's truly as ridiculous as i think it is, to have a disclaimer attached to oneself: "warning - this is all merely largely unfounded opinion. take it or leave it at your own risk." i've seen such a diversity of opinions, said so casually and unthinkingly, that it didn't occur to me that my own would somehow intrinsically be playing a different ballgame, one where it's not up to others to make up their own minds regardless of what i say or don't say.
i am burnt out anyway, and i need a break. i have a vague notion of who would still want my opinion, and i will, in fact, still get to that. i may be overreacting, but i simply don't feel fit to negotiate all this right now-- i can't be this much of a public property. if at any point i'm wrong, i am always willing to discuss and learn, and i don't tend to take offense at being disagreed with, especially in a positive manner where it really isn't personal and everyone is operating on the assumption that this doesn't -really- matter, whatever it is. that was always my operant assumption-- if i am wrong, i would be called on it. if i'm not called on it, it means it doesn't matter enough to bother. otherwise, it's all just an opinion game, something for fun and pleasure, something that comes naturally.
when pleasure becomes responsibility-- especially a public responsibility-- especially blatantly so-- that's where i suppose i need to take a break.
i will still write (probably can't help it), but i probably won't post it here but rather on the archives. i will still review the things on my queue. i'll still write my paper for the redeemed!draco panel, and go to nimbus and so on. i will still comment in general, just so no one comes after me with a hunting knife~:) i could, i suppose, have a limited, friends-locked meta-related journal for only those who want to see it, but that defeats the purpose, and seems silly besides. as for the rest-- eh. maybe in a bit.
see y'all on the flip-side.
it's funny because i was paranoid that my identity had been shaped by forces outside of myself, simply by being social-- but especially by being online, only defined by these words. i never really -wanted- to be "the" anything, but neither do i act like one of the masses, i guess, which is by default, self-proclamatory, i suppose. if you are not silent, you are a voice, and singular voices are given a responsibility by whatever society they are in. merely by existing as a voice among the silent and the entirely tongue-tied, you are thus endowed with some sort of-- larger role. and it's not like anyone puts a hat on your head-- it all happens gradually and it feels natural and then, before you know it, you're so far from where you started-- a voice in the wilderness (and online, there is no wilderness anyway), that your head spins.
i suppose this isn't like the "masses" suddenly changed their mind about me, anyway. this is all sort of silly. it is merely my preconception that my words are my own, and i give them in the spirit of impersonal gift-giving-- take it or leave it, like any sort of natural product. and of course it can't be a natural anything, since first of all, in the land of opinions in a public sphere, you need a license-- something to make you equal and qualified. i am tempted to say that i don't see why you can't qualify or not on a case-by-case basis-- either you're agreed with or disagreed with, but that is being naive. eventually, after you are agreed with several times, you gain a buffer. this buffer is an interpersonal contract of sorts, i guess. given in trust, like a badge or something. maybe this is related to the whole phenomenon of fame, too.
the only thing that rather bothers me (on a theoretical level), is that conception of thoughts and opinions as a commodity. and i'm realistic enough to realize that thoughts & opinions are now and have always been one of the -major-, driving commodities of modern society, but that doesn't really make it better, because these are -my- thoughts, and they're being taken entirely apart from me, like a product that i may or may not be allowed to generate.
this probably all sounds rather abstract and esoteric and unrelated to reality. i can't really talk about it in any other way. i would never imagine passing judgment on someone's capacity to form any sort of mental structures whatsoever. this doesn't mean i don't have opinions on their thoughts-- and it doesn't mean i can't disapprove. but i wouldn't directly mandate their behavior, if all it consists of is acts of speech, whatever they themselves consist of. and i suppose here is where you make that distinction between thoughts and written words in a public sphere. but i am not in a position where i need to censor myself unless i can guarrantee i am able to defend it. this is, as far as i could tell, a free-for-all. i may be wrong-- it certainly isn't that chaotic, no human grouping is-- but regardless there is a large cacophony of voices, and mine is just-- well, that. mine.
again, this is naive. i am a particularly nonjudgemental person. i'm also particularly obsessed with a sort of extreme individual freedom, most especially in expression. i don't know if it's truly as ridiculous as i think it is, to have a disclaimer attached to oneself: "warning - this is all merely largely unfounded opinion. take it or leave it at your own risk." i've seen such a diversity of opinions, said so casually and unthinkingly, that it didn't occur to me that my own would somehow intrinsically be playing a different ballgame, one where it's not up to others to make up their own minds regardless of what i say or don't say.
i am burnt out anyway, and i need a break. i have a vague notion of who would still want my opinion, and i will, in fact, still get to that. i may be overreacting, but i simply don't feel fit to negotiate all this right now-- i can't be this much of a public property. if at any point i'm wrong, i am always willing to discuss and learn, and i don't tend to take offense at being disagreed with, especially in a positive manner where it really isn't personal and everyone is operating on the assumption that this doesn't -really- matter, whatever it is. that was always my operant assumption-- if i am wrong, i would be called on it. if i'm not called on it, it means it doesn't matter enough to bother. otherwise, it's all just an opinion game, something for fun and pleasure, something that comes naturally.
when pleasure becomes responsibility-- especially a public responsibility-- especially blatantly so-- that's where i suppose i need to take a break.
i will still write (probably can't help it), but i probably won't post it here but rather on the archives. i will still review the things on my queue. i'll still write my paper for the redeemed!draco panel, and go to nimbus and so on. i will still comment in general, just so no one comes after me with a hunting knife~:) i could, i suppose, have a limited, friends-locked meta-related journal for only those who want to see it, but that defeats the purpose, and seems silly besides. as for the rest-- eh. maybe in a bit.
see y'all on the flip-side.
