~~baby dandelions. yah, that's it ~:)
Apr. 3rd, 2003 05:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkait's spring again, and i found this on ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
found_objects.
my professor says that even though i talk a lot in class, he could never get a sense of me unless he talked to me personally. which i find rather disappointing. but then, it's tempting to just let go, and only think-- i have my connection with the world. i have my love for sky and stream and beauty and poetry, and i don't need all this clutter, all this worrying about others and caring what everyone thinks of me, because in the end it doesn't -do- anything, just sits there, making me feel heavier and heavier.
spring, and i feel lighter. it's too early to really wear just a skirt and a shirt, but i don't care. i'm a little bit cold, but it's alright. sometimes i look at people and i'm pleased to be not alone, and sometimes i just want to walk away, and keep walking. in a strange way, that's a contradiction-- because a part of me wants people to -know- i am a walker, i am walking on the edges of things, through things. i want to be seen and to see, but not necessarily for those things to mix. spring, and spending time typing is seeming like a waste of time. i should curl up somewhere in the sunlight, bring a notebook with me, stay away from the shadows and remember what sunlight on water and rock looks like, because so often, i think that's all i -want- to remember.
in the end, i want writing about love to be like writing about spring-- all about flowing and realizing the bright edges of things, the silver glints in the shadows. i think at some point, i feel if i keep doing things exactly the same way, my mind would congeal into something harsh and insular, disconnected from itself, even. there's a sense of passing, right now. like things are passing, and i'm letting them.
if i just keep reccing things and talking about fanfic, i think i might curl up and dry out. its source-- the source of story-- isn't just within other stories, other people. to me, anyway. a large part of it is within nature, the way the sun strikes the clouds, the way the wind feels against my face. that's also a story, also something i find essential. so, i mean-- kassie wrote fic, and aja wrote fic, and... i think i may start just noting it down on my recs page or something. i'm tired and rejuvenated at the same time. it's a weird sensation.
april makes me think of colors, and warm green and red and yellow, and dragonflies. dragonflies are particularly interesting, i think. their iridescence, their frequent location at overgrown ponds, near reeds and willows and....
the time is getting closer. the time of fireflies, stories in the warm evenings, secret smiles, softened earth. when i was little, i wanted to be someone else-- i wanted to have wings and secrets and silver hair. i wanted everything to be magical, and love was just as magical as anything else, but it didn't overshadow the rest of the world, so full of wonder it made me faint and more energized than anything.
it's sort of-- it's easier to smile. like, also-- this and this and this. and little dandelions.
~~
was reading `ten zillion points from gryffindor' by amanuensis on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hautemonde's rec... was quite enjoying myself, though stumbled upon this bit:
"Malfoy?" Harry shook his head, not caring that Snape knew about that, but caring very much that he understood how things stood between Draco and him. "Malfoy's a boy. His idea of foreplay is to say, 'Sorry, was that too fast?' while he's picking pubic hairs out of his teeth. He's got no sense of art at all. *And* he's a total bottom. What I want is a *man*." He licked Snape's mouth. "A man like you."
*ponders*
the malfoy bits in h/s stories always throw me off, but this is just a great example of why. i mean, either malfoy is a) disgusting; b) discounted; c) "just a boy". it's that last one that bothers me. the idea that harry would want snape because he's a "real man", or "not a boy", even as a joke. i mean. okay, 16 year old girls feel like that, sometimes-- and i admit i didn't poll 16 year-old bi boys for this, but. er?
and it's not that i'm taking it oh-so-seriously. all in good fun. 'cause if i take h/s too seriously, i can't read it, anyway. muwahahah. yes. have i mentioned i'm a crazed fanatic, and you should be frightened, one and all? because, yes -.-
but anyway. it's weird, seeing malfoy even brought -up-. on the one hand, i'm happy the awesome power of draco is acknowledged (heh). on the other, it's more like-- an in-joke or something, and i'm all for self-deprecation (i know amanuensis writes h/d, so imagine she's at least somewhat of an h/d shipper), it's just. it's the boy/man aspect that is the -weakness- of harry/snape as far as i'm concerned. and okay, it's interesting to make it a strength-- but why does every second fic have to make it a strength?
it's also interesting, because i tend to seek out and enjoy smutty h/s on the fluffy side. whereas if i wanted realism, that probably would involve rather angsty non-smut. or maybe i'm not perverted enough, i dunno. because gah. sexual!snape rather disturbs me, so it all kind of takes place in a happy little la-la land in my head. and this sort of "hey! this is cross-gen!" thing brings me out of my happy place and back down to... well. that place where i -really- wish snape could resist potter's awkward seduction technique, or something. because i'd bet you canon!snape could. not too sure, but rather optimistic about it. that's basically the thing. while i don't go for realism, not really-- not in any huge overwhelming nit-picky way-- i hate it when these large issues of a relationship are basically unworkable as far as i can imagine.
which is of course subjective all the way. but this is rather like reading (the one) snape/sirius i've read and having it be, "wow, i hate you. isn't that great? i actually -like- remus!"
and i'm speaking here as someone who does ship one cross-gen ship and wants them (qui gon and obi wan) to get it on sooner rather than later, in most fics. the trick is, obi wan doesn't go around saying, "oh, qui gon! you're so much more mature than my fellow padawans! no one else could touch me like you do!". i mean, gack! that's just... ew. they just love each other -in spite- of the padawan/master age difference and everything else. i like it when this stuff happens -in spite- of the obstacles, but having it be -because- of them just sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? well, as i see it.
admittedly, as i mentioned, i'm a rabid otp-er with no hope for redemption. also, i have a kink for things happening in spite of the canonically set-up obstacles, not because they don't matter or don't exist. sigh. it's all about "yes, i know, -but-", for me anyway. i mean, the characters don't have to consciously know exactly what's wrong (or worse, right!) with their relationship or anything (that's just expecting way too much from adolescent boys), but. it's nice if they kind of act as if they unconsciously know it. just... keeps me in that happy place, is all. although really, snape naked is -so- not my thing, i don't know why i bother. sigh. good writing, oh, the things i do for thee.
~~
in other news, i'm contemplating reading (the rest of) jkr just to be able to say, "ha! i -have- read them! so ha!".
i mean. i never claim to be correct-- i'm just opinionated and ...er... verbose. on the other hand, there's a definite feeling that if you critique, you better have a "right" to, because otherwise you're just spewing hot air, whether or not you make sense. maybelasultrix is right, and people are rather sensitive about canonicity critique, moreso than regular old critique (style and pacing and plot and what have you, which is, honestly, what i usually comment on anyway) on the other hand, very, very few people -use- those details that a close reading of canon gives you. and a lot of people's characterization is just-- well-- it's like they're writing about hormonal angsty, sappy girls. not too hard to critique.
i mean, there's a certain level of finesse that a really in-depth knowledge gives you, but that finesse is almost never needed, as far as i can tell. and of course, i'm not actually saying you don't need canon knowledge (far from it), but rather-- you need writing that requires it in a reader (uncommon) and you need to pay attention to what you -do- know, as much as you need to know it. so while i may know less, more of it is -used-, more of it is conscious, and more of it is paid -attention- to, as far as i can tell comparing myself to (some) people. but i'm not expert, certainly-- it's all take it or leave it, isn't it? i don't really give very "critical" reviews most times anyway, and i certainly don't canon-pick unless something really glaring happens. and okay, often enough that happens. still, i don't feel i need to know much to know that malfoy isn't a gorgeous, self-assured, universally worshipped model slytherin. just a guess.
on the other hand, hey, i just say what comes to mind. i don't claim i'm preaching gospel. i only know that people who i -do- think have a good grasp on things either think i'm right oftentimes or don't think i'm frighteningly misinformed and dumb oftentimes. otherwise, i'd have no clue, really, and just call it like i see it anyway. because, very obviously-- i just can't seem to-- well-- shut up.
found_objects. my professor says that even though i talk a lot in class, he could never get a sense of me unless he talked to me personally. which i find rather disappointing. but then, it's tempting to just let go, and only think-- i have my connection with the world. i have my love for sky and stream and beauty and poetry, and i don't need all this clutter, all this worrying about others and caring what everyone thinks of me, because in the end it doesn't -do- anything, just sits there, making me feel heavier and heavier.
spring, and i feel lighter. it's too early to really wear just a skirt and a shirt, but i don't care. i'm a little bit cold, but it's alright. sometimes i look at people and i'm pleased to be not alone, and sometimes i just want to walk away, and keep walking. in a strange way, that's a contradiction-- because a part of me wants people to -know- i am a walker, i am walking on the edges of things, through things. i want to be seen and to see, but not necessarily for those things to mix. spring, and spending time typing is seeming like a waste of time. i should curl up somewhere in the sunlight, bring a notebook with me, stay away from the shadows and remember what sunlight on water and rock looks like, because so often, i think that's all i -want- to remember.
in the end, i want writing about love to be like writing about spring-- all about flowing and realizing the bright edges of things, the silver glints in the shadows. i think at some point, i feel if i keep doing things exactly the same way, my mind would congeal into something harsh and insular, disconnected from itself, even. there's a sense of passing, right now. like things are passing, and i'm letting them.
if i just keep reccing things and talking about fanfic, i think i might curl up and dry out. its source-- the source of story-- isn't just within other stories, other people. to me, anyway. a large part of it is within nature, the way the sun strikes the clouds, the way the wind feels against my face. that's also a story, also something i find essential. so, i mean-- kassie wrote fic, and aja wrote fic, and... i think i may start just noting it down on my recs page or something. i'm tired and rejuvenated at the same time. it's a weird sensation.
april makes me think of colors, and warm green and red and yellow, and dragonflies. dragonflies are particularly interesting, i think. their iridescence, their frequent location at overgrown ponds, near reeds and willows and....
the time is getting closer. the time of fireflies, stories in the warm evenings, secret smiles, softened earth. when i was little, i wanted to be someone else-- i wanted to have wings and secrets and silver hair. i wanted everything to be magical, and love was just as magical as anything else, but it didn't overshadow the rest of the world, so full of wonder it made me faint and more energized than anything.
it's sort of-- it's easier to smile. like, also-- this and this and this. and little dandelions.
~~
was reading `ten zillion points from gryffindor' by amanuensis on
hautemonde's rec... was quite enjoying myself, though stumbled upon this bit:"Malfoy?" Harry shook his head, not caring that Snape knew about that, but caring very much that he understood how things stood between Draco and him. "Malfoy's a boy. His idea of foreplay is to say, 'Sorry, was that too fast?' while he's picking pubic hairs out of his teeth. He's got no sense of art at all. *And* he's a total bottom. What I want is a *man*." He licked Snape's mouth. "A man like you."
*ponders*
the malfoy bits in h/s stories always throw me off, but this is just a great example of why. i mean, either malfoy is a) disgusting; b) discounted; c) "just a boy". it's that last one that bothers me. the idea that harry would want snape because he's a "real man", or "not a boy", even as a joke. i mean. okay, 16 year old girls feel like that, sometimes-- and i admit i didn't poll 16 year-old bi boys for this, but. er?
and it's not that i'm taking it oh-so-seriously. all in good fun. 'cause if i take h/s too seriously, i can't read it, anyway. muwahahah. yes. have i mentioned i'm a crazed fanatic, and you should be frightened, one and all? because, yes -.-
but anyway. it's weird, seeing malfoy even brought -up-. on the one hand, i'm happy the awesome power of draco is acknowledged (heh). on the other, it's more like-- an in-joke or something, and i'm all for self-deprecation (i know amanuensis writes h/d, so imagine she's at least somewhat of an h/d shipper), it's just. it's the boy/man aspect that is the -weakness- of harry/snape as far as i'm concerned. and okay, it's interesting to make it a strength-- but why does every second fic have to make it a strength?
it's also interesting, because i tend to seek out and enjoy smutty h/s on the fluffy side. whereas if i wanted realism, that probably would involve rather angsty non-smut. or maybe i'm not perverted enough, i dunno. because gah. sexual!snape rather disturbs me, so it all kind of takes place in a happy little la-la land in my head. and this sort of "hey! this is cross-gen!" thing brings me out of my happy place and back down to... well. that place where i -really- wish snape could resist potter's awkward seduction technique, or something. because i'd bet you canon!snape could. not too sure, but rather optimistic about it. that's basically the thing. while i don't go for realism, not really-- not in any huge overwhelming nit-picky way-- i hate it when these large issues of a relationship are basically unworkable as far as i can imagine.
which is of course subjective all the way. but this is rather like reading (the one) snape/sirius i've read and having it be, "wow, i hate you. isn't that great? i actually -like- remus!"
and i'm speaking here as someone who does ship one cross-gen ship and wants them (qui gon and obi wan) to get it on sooner rather than later, in most fics. the trick is, obi wan doesn't go around saying, "oh, qui gon! you're so much more mature than my fellow padawans! no one else could touch me like you do!". i mean, gack! that's just... ew. they just love each other -in spite- of the padawan/master age difference and everything else. i like it when this stuff happens -in spite- of the obstacles, but having it be -because- of them just sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? well, as i see it.
admittedly, as i mentioned, i'm a rabid otp-er with no hope for redemption. also, i have a kink for things happening in spite of the canonically set-up obstacles, not because they don't matter or don't exist. sigh. it's all about "yes, i know, -but-", for me anyway. i mean, the characters don't have to consciously know exactly what's wrong (or worse, right!) with their relationship or anything (that's just expecting way too much from adolescent boys), but. it's nice if they kind of act as if they unconsciously know it. just... keeps me in that happy place, is all. although really, snape naked is -so- not my thing, i don't know why i bother. sigh. good writing, oh, the things i do for thee.
~~
in other news, i'm contemplating reading (the rest of) jkr just to be able to say, "ha! i -have- read them! so ha!".
i mean. i never claim to be correct-- i'm just opinionated and ...er... verbose. on the other hand, there's a definite feeling that if you critique, you better have a "right" to, because otherwise you're just spewing hot air, whether or not you make sense. maybe
lasultrix is right, and people are rather sensitive about canonicity critique, moreso than regular old critique (style and pacing and plot and what have you, which is, honestly, what i usually comment on anyway) on the other hand, very, very few people -use- those details that a close reading of canon gives you. and a lot of people's characterization is just-- well-- it's like they're writing about hormonal angsty, sappy girls. not too hard to critique.i mean, there's a certain level of finesse that a really in-depth knowledge gives you, but that finesse is almost never needed, as far as i can tell. and of course, i'm not actually saying you don't need canon knowledge (far from it), but rather-- you need writing that requires it in a reader (uncommon) and you need to pay attention to what you -do- know, as much as you need to know it. so while i may know less, more of it is -used-, more of it is conscious, and more of it is paid -attention- to, as far as i can tell comparing myself to (some) people. but i'm not expert, certainly-- it's all take it or leave it, isn't it? i don't really give very "critical" reviews most times anyway, and i certainly don't canon-pick unless something really glaring happens. and okay, often enough that happens. still, i don't feel i need to know much to know that malfoy isn't a gorgeous, self-assured, universally worshipped model slytherin. just a guess.
on the other hand, hey, i just say what comes to mind. i don't claim i'm preaching gospel. i only know that people who i -do- think have a good grasp on things either think i'm right oftentimes or don't think i'm frighteningly misinformed and dumb oftentimes. otherwise, i'd have no clue, really, and just call it like i see it anyway. because, very obviously-- i just can't seem to-- well-- shut up.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-04-05 11:52 pm (UTC)a lot of people who say that draco is an evil git say that he was only nice to harry in the shop and on the train because he was told to, or was trying to manipulate harry. so that bit with the "genuine" isn't something one knows, but could believe or not. (ahahaha i can talk about it since i have read it, it being the first book and on through the beginning of the second. *laughs*)
*is devil's advocate*
if you postulate that draco's a calculating bastard, then it's not so endearing that he loses-- just part of his patheticness which means he'll never be good enough for harry to notice, that he can't win. i don't think that, in fact, harry -would- reconsider unless draco does succeed at -something-. seems reasonable, anyway.
i love that bit about them both being able to hate. a number of really good h/d fics use that capacity for passion well, although, isn't ron pretty good at hating draco? it does seem more like prejudice-- a more surface rage, i guess, whereas harry and draco's is more personal, more deeply irrational. hmm.
but yes, i don't need it to be sexual either (even though if threatened, i retreat to saying i'm in it for the porn). that's why i so lust after h/d friendship fics (*cuddles silvia's one friendship fic*) and especially if draco still remains draco and doesn't get changed to be put in that position of friendship. hee. although, high levels of antipathy also work (ie, fistfighting, more obvious conflict, etc. good stuff ~:)
and from what i hear, plenty of people -do- seem to enjoy draco's many defeats, and think he deserves them-- i suppose the people who fully identify with either harry or ron. i don't know if i totally like this version of draco-as-victim-- since if he was, harry wouldn't like him, in the end (or respect him, at least). but i do think that his inability to give up saves him from that fate. and stubborn losers are cuter than stubborn winners, although that's obviously a matter of complete bias for me -.-
no subject
Date: 2003-04-06 09:48 am (UTC)a lot of people who say that draco is an evil git say that he was only nice to harry in the shop and on the train because he was told to, or was trying to manipulate harry.
Oddly enough I was thinking about this this morning and I think it fits fanon!Draco but not canon. We see Lucius tell Draco to mask his true feelings regarding Harry is CoS and Draco can't do it. Draco's never truly successful at hiding emotion: Harry knows when he's scared in the FF or on his broom, he sees the spots of anger on his cheeks on the train, he sees the pain and humiliation in his eyes after the ferret incident.
Lucius is completely bored and indifferent to Draco's Harry hatred in CoS--this doesn't sound like a guy who's been giving Draco orders on how to treat him. Lucius' enemy in CoS is Weasley, not Harry. The clippings he sends to Draco are about the Weasleys. I just don't think he cares about Harry until Harry messes with him. Voldemort calls Lucius his "slippery friend" and Lucius distanced himself from the DEs as soon as Voldemort was gone, so I can't see him raising his son to hate Harry simply because Harry took Voldemort out. I think he raised him to believe in Voldemort's ideals but not worship the man himself as some sort of Christ figure.
if you postulate that draco's a calculating bastard, then it's not so endearing that he loses-- just part of his patheticness which means he'll never be good enough for harry to notice, that he can't win. i don't think that, in fact, harry -would- reconsider unless draco does succeed at -something-. seems reasonable, anyway.
I agree. I've always thought (loving Draco as I do) that part of the reason he's so useless as a villain is that he's not numb or cold or evil. His impulses are mostly about wanting attention and praise. There's an innocence about him. That Draco has retained this ability to love given his upbringing, to me, makes him strangely heroic. He seems dying to prove himself worthy to someone he respects--he's a prime candidate for being coaxed towards the good side. I think if Draco made just one significant, morally correct, reasoned decision it would get Harry's attention. Draco, to me, is on a dark path to knowledge--everything he knows is wrong. A Draco who's been stripped of everything and realizes he's been taught lies and then, reduced to nothing, takes some action on his own that Harry can respect...that, I think, could happen given the canon characters. If nothing else, Draco could be a symbol of reproach: all this potential gone to waste.
I do think there's a difference between Ron and Harry's abilities to hate just because Ron has always been surrounded by love. So much so that I don't think he can really understand that other people haven't been. He hates Malfoy a lot but not quite in the same self-destructive/self-hating way Harry could, imo. Probably my favorite scene is in GoF when Harry finally snaps at Ron and Ron, who's been a brat, is completely shocked at what a badass Harry can be. (My least favorite scene is when all this wonderful tension is dismissed in a few lines later on--this is probably my biggest issue with JKR's writing!)
i do think that his inability to give up saves him from that fate.
I hope so! Sometimes I feel like Draco is just an idealized version of a bully. You get to hate him but all the times when, realistically, he'd score a hit he doesn't. Worst case of this: Hermione slaps him and he just backs off like she's Katherine Hepburn slapping the male lead in a 40's movie. That scene, to me, is not Hermione vs. Draco it's Mary Sue vs. a straw man bully. It's like a tall tale someone would tell about how they put someone in their place, but you'd know it wasn't true because when you asked, "And what did he do?" they just said, "Oh he, um, didn't say anything. Just walked away." When I feel him getting used that way by his author it just makes me all the more protective of him.:-)