~~baby dandelions. yah, that's it ~:)
Apr. 3rd, 2003 05:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkait's spring again, and i found this on ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
found_objects.
my professor says that even though i talk a lot in class, he could never get a sense of me unless he talked to me personally. which i find rather disappointing. but then, it's tempting to just let go, and only think-- i have my connection with the world. i have my love for sky and stream and beauty and poetry, and i don't need all this clutter, all this worrying about others and caring what everyone thinks of me, because in the end it doesn't -do- anything, just sits there, making me feel heavier and heavier.
spring, and i feel lighter. it's too early to really wear just a skirt and a shirt, but i don't care. i'm a little bit cold, but it's alright. sometimes i look at people and i'm pleased to be not alone, and sometimes i just want to walk away, and keep walking. in a strange way, that's a contradiction-- because a part of me wants people to -know- i am a walker, i am walking on the edges of things, through things. i want to be seen and to see, but not necessarily for those things to mix. spring, and spending time typing is seeming like a waste of time. i should curl up somewhere in the sunlight, bring a notebook with me, stay away from the shadows and remember what sunlight on water and rock looks like, because so often, i think that's all i -want- to remember.
in the end, i want writing about love to be like writing about spring-- all about flowing and realizing the bright edges of things, the silver glints in the shadows. i think at some point, i feel if i keep doing things exactly the same way, my mind would congeal into something harsh and insular, disconnected from itself, even. there's a sense of passing, right now. like things are passing, and i'm letting them.
if i just keep reccing things and talking about fanfic, i think i might curl up and dry out. its source-- the source of story-- isn't just within other stories, other people. to me, anyway. a large part of it is within nature, the way the sun strikes the clouds, the way the wind feels against my face. that's also a story, also something i find essential. so, i mean-- kassie wrote fic, and aja wrote fic, and... i think i may start just noting it down on my recs page or something. i'm tired and rejuvenated at the same time. it's a weird sensation.
april makes me think of colors, and warm green and red and yellow, and dragonflies. dragonflies are particularly interesting, i think. their iridescence, their frequent location at overgrown ponds, near reeds and willows and....
the time is getting closer. the time of fireflies, stories in the warm evenings, secret smiles, softened earth. when i was little, i wanted to be someone else-- i wanted to have wings and secrets and silver hair. i wanted everything to be magical, and love was just as magical as anything else, but it didn't overshadow the rest of the world, so full of wonder it made me faint and more energized than anything.
it's sort of-- it's easier to smile. like, also-- this and this and this. and little dandelions.
~~
was reading `ten zillion points from gryffindor' by amanuensis on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hautemonde's rec... was quite enjoying myself, though stumbled upon this bit:
"Malfoy?" Harry shook his head, not caring that Snape knew about that, but caring very much that he understood how things stood between Draco and him. "Malfoy's a boy. His idea of foreplay is to say, 'Sorry, was that too fast?' while he's picking pubic hairs out of his teeth. He's got no sense of art at all. *And* he's a total bottom. What I want is a *man*." He licked Snape's mouth. "A man like you."
*ponders*
the malfoy bits in h/s stories always throw me off, but this is just a great example of why. i mean, either malfoy is a) disgusting; b) discounted; c) "just a boy". it's that last one that bothers me. the idea that harry would want snape because he's a "real man", or "not a boy", even as a joke. i mean. okay, 16 year old girls feel like that, sometimes-- and i admit i didn't poll 16 year-old bi boys for this, but. er?
and it's not that i'm taking it oh-so-seriously. all in good fun. 'cause if i take h/s too seriously, i can't read it, anyway. muwahahah. yes. have i mentioned i'm a crazed fanatic, and you should be frightened, one and all? because, yes -.-
but anyway. it's weird, seeing malfoy even brought -up-. on the one hand, i'm happy the awesome power of draco is acknowledged (heh). on the other, it's more like-- an in-joke or something, and i'm all for self-deprecation (i know amanuensis writes h/d, so imagine she's at least somewhat of an h/d shipper), it's just. it's the boy/man aspect that is the -weakness- of harry/snape as far as i'm concerned. and okay, it's interesting to make it a strength-- but why does every second fic have to make it a strength?
it's also interesting, because i tend to seek out and enjoy smutty h/s on the fluffy side. whereas if i wanted realism, that probably would involve rather angsty non-smut. or maybe i'm not perverted enough, i dunno. because gah. sexual!snape rather disturbs me, so it all kind of takes place in a happy little la-la land in my head. and this sort of "hey! this is cross-gen!" thing brings me out of my happy place and back down to... well. that place where i -really- wish snape could resist potter's awkward seduction technique, or something. because i'd bet you canon!snape could. not too sure, but rather optimistic about it. that's basically the thing. while i don't go for realism, not really-- not in any huge overwhelming nit-picky way-- i hate it when these large issues of a relationship are basically unworkable as far as i can imagine.
which is of course subjective all the way. but this is rather like reading (the one) snape/sirius i've read and having it be, "wow, i hate you. isn't that great? i actually -like- remus!"
and i'm speaking here as someone who does ship one cross-gen ship and wants them (qui gon and obi wan) to get it on sooner rather than later, in most fics. the trick is, obi wan doesn't go around saying, "oh, qui gon! you're so much more mature than my fellow padawans! no one else could touch me like you do!". i mean, gack! that's just... ew. they just love each other -in spite- of the padawan/master age difference and everything else. i like it when this stuff happens -in spite- of the obstacles, but having it be -because- of them just sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? well, as i see it.
admittedly, as i mentioned, i'm a rabid otp-er with no hope for redemption. also, i have a kink for things happening in spite of the canonically set-up obstacles, not because they don't matter or don't exist. sigh. it's all about "yes, i know, -but-", for me anyway. i mean, the characters don't have to consciously know exactly what's wrong (or worse, right!) with their relationship or anything (that's just expecting way too much from adolescent boys), but. it's nice if they kind of act as if they unconsciously know it. just... keeps me in that happy place, is all. although really, snape naked is -so- not my thing, i don't know why i bother. sigh. good writing, oh, the things i do for thee.
~~
in other news, i'm contemplating reading (the rest of) jkr just to be able to say, "ha! i -have- read them! so ha!".
i mean. i never claim to be correct-- i'm just opinionated and ...er... verbose. on the other hand, there's a definite feeling that if you critique, you better have a "right" to, because otherwise you're just spewing hot air, whether or not you make sense. maybelasultrix is right, and people are rather sensitive about canonicity critique, moreso than regular old critique (style and pacing and plot and what have you, which is, honestly, what i usually comment on anyway) on the other hand, very, very few people -use- those details that a close reading of canon gives you. and a lot of people's characterization is just-- well-- it's like they're writing about hormonal angsty, sappy girls. not too hard to critique.
i mean, there's a certain level of finesse that a really in-depth knowledge gives you, but that finesse is almost never needed, as far as i can tell. and of course, i'm not actually saying you don't need canon knowledge (far from it), but rather-- you need writing that requires it in a reader (uncommon) and you need to pay attention to what you -do- know, as much as you need to know it. so while i may know less, more of it is -used-, more of it is conscious, and more of it is paid -attention- to, as far as i can tell comparing myself to (some) people. but i'm not expert, certainly-- it's all take it or leave it, isn't it? i don't really give very "critical" reviews most times anyway, and i certainly don't canon-pick unless something really glaring happens. and okay, often enough that happens. still, i don't feel i need to know much to know that malfoy isn't a gorgeous, self-assured, universally worshipped model slytherin. just a guess.
on the other hand, hey, i just say what comes to mind. i don't claim i'm preaching gospel. i only know that people who i -do- think have a good grasp on things either think i'm right oftentimes or don't think i'm frighteningly misinformed and dumb oftentimes. otherwise, i'd have no clue, really, and just call it like i see it anyway. because, very obviously-- i just can't seem to-- well-- shut up.
found_objects. my professor says that even though i talk a lot in class, he could never get a sense of me unless he talked to me personally. which i find rather disappointing. but then, it's tempting to just let go, and only think-- i have my connection with the world. i have my love for sky and stream and beauty and poetry, and i don't need all this clutter, all this worrying about others and caring what everyone thinks of me, because in the end it doesn't -do- anything, just sits there, making me feel heavier and heavier.
spring, and i feel lighter. it's too early to really wear just a skirt and a shirt, but i don't care. i'm a little bit cold, but it's alright. sometimes i look at people and i'm pleased to be not alone, and sometimes i just want to walk away, and keep walking. in a strange way, that's a contradiction-- because a part of me wants people to -know- i am a walker, i am walking on the edges of things, through things. i want to be seen and to see, but not necessarily for those things to mix. spring, and spending time typing is seeming like a waste of time. i should curl up somewhere in the sunlight, bring a notebook with me, stay away from the shadows and remember what sunlight on water and rock looks like, because so often, i think that's all i -want- to remember.
in the end, i want writing about love to be like writing about spring-- all about flowing and realizing the bright edges of things, the silver glints in the shadows. i think at some point, i feel if i keep doing things exactly the same way, my mind would congeal into something harsh and insular, disconnected from itself, even. there's a sense of passing, right now. like things are passing, and i'm letting them.
if i just keep reccing things and talking about fanfic, i think i might curl up and dry out. its source-- the source of story-- isn't just within other stories, other people. to me, anyway. a large part of it is within nature, the way the sun strikes the clouds, the way the wind feels against my face. that's also a story, also something i find essential. so, i mean-- kassie wrote fic, and aja wrote fic, and... i think i may start just noting it down on my recs page or something. i'm tired and rejuvenated at the same time. it's a weird sensation.
april makes me think of colors, and warm green and red and yellow, and dragonflies. dragonflies are particularly interesting, i think. their iridescence, their frequent location at overgrown ponds, near reeds and willows and....
the time is getting closer. the time of fireflies, stories in the warm evenings, secret smiles, softened earth. when i was little, i wanted to be someone else-- i wanted to have wings and secrets and silver hair. i wanted everything to be magical, and love was just as magical as anything else, but it didn't overshadow the rest of the world, so full of wonder it made me faint and more energized than anything.
it's sort of-- it's easier to smile. like, also-- this and this and this. and little dandelions.
~~
was reading `ten zillion points from gryffindor' by amanuensis on
hautemonde's rec... was quite enjoying myself, though stumbled upon this bit:"Malfoy?" Harry shook his head, not caring that Snape knew about that, but caring very much that he understood how things stood between Draco and him. "Malfoy's a boy. His idea of foreplay is to say, 'Sorry, was that too fast?' while he's picking pubic hairs out of his teeth. He's got no sense of art at all. *And* he's a total bottom. What I want is a *man*." He licked Snape's mouth. "A man like you."
*ponders*
the malfoy bits in h/s stories always throw me off, but this is just a great example of why. i mean, either malfoy is a) disgusting; b) discounted; c) "just a boy". it's that last one that bothers me. the idea that harry would want snape because he's a "real man", or "not a boy", even as a joke. i mean. okay, 16 year old girls feel like that, sometimes-- and i admit i didn't poll 16 year-old bi boys for this, but. er?
and it's not that i'm taking it oh-so-seriously. all in good fun. 'cause if i take h/s too seriously, i can't read it, anyway. muwahahah. yes. have i mentioned i'm a crazed fanatic, and you should be frightened, one and all? because, yes -.-
but anyway. it's weird, seeing malfoy even brought -up-. on the one hand, i'm happy the awesome power of draco is acknowledged (heh). on the other, it's more like-- an in-joke or something, and i'm all for self-deprecation (i know amanuensis writes h/d, so imagine she's at least somewhat of an h/d shipper), it's just. it's the boy/man aspect that is the -weakness- of harry/snape as far as i'm concerned. and okay, it's interesting to make it a strength-- but why does every second fic have to make it a strength?
it's also interesting, because i tend to seek out and enjoy smutty h/s on the fluffy side. whereas if i wanted realism, that probably would involve rather angsty non-smut. or maybe i'm not perverted enough, i dunno. because gah. sexual!snape rather disturbs me, so it all kind of takes place in a happy little la-la land in my head. and this sort of "hey! this is cross-gen!" thing brings me out of my happy place and back down to... well. that place where i -really- wish snape could resist potter's awkward seduction technique, or something. because i'd bet you canon!snape could. not too sure, but rather optimistic about it. that's basically the thing. while i don't go for realism, not really-- not in any huge overwhelming nit-picky way-- i hate it when these large issues of a relationship are basically unworkable as far as i can imagine.
which is of course subjective all the way. but this is rather like reading (the one) snape/sirius i've read and having it be, "wow, i hate you. isn't that great? i actually -like- remus!"
and i'm speaking here as someone who does ship one cross-gen ship and wants them (qui gon and obi wan) to get it on sooner rather than later, in most fics. the trick is, obi wan doesn't go around saying, "oh, qui gon! you're so much more mature than my fellow padawans! no one else could touch me like you do!". i mean, gack! that's just... ew. they just love each other -in spite- of the padawan/master age difference and everything else. i like it when this stuff happens -in spite- of the obstacles, but having it be -because- of them just sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? well, as i see it.
admittedly, as i mentioned, i'm a rabid otp-er with no hope for redemption. also, i have a kink for things happening in spite of the canonically set-up obstacles, not because they don't matter or don't exist. sigh. it's all about "yes, i know, -but-", for me anyway. i mean, the characters don't have to consciously know exactly what's wrong (or worse, right!) with their relationship or anything (that's just expecting way too much from adolescent boys), but. it's nice if they kind of act as if they unconsciously know it. just... keeps me in that happy place, is all. although really, snape naked is -so- not my thing, i don't know why i bother. sigh. good writing, oh, the things i do for thee.
~~
in other news, i'm contemplating reading (the rest of) jkr just to be able to say, "ha! i -have- read them! so ha!".
i mean. i never claim to be correct-- i'm just opinionated and ...er... verbose. on the other hand, there's a definite feeling that if you critique, you better have a "right" to, because otherwise you're just spewing hot air, whether or not you make sense. maybe
lasultrix is right, and people are rather sensitive about canonicity critique, moreso than regular old critique (style and pacing and plot and what have you, which is, honestly, what i usually comment on anyway) on the other hand, very, very few people -use- those details that a close reading of canon gives you. and a lot of people's characterization is just-- well-- it's like they're writing about hormonal angsty, sappy girls. not too hard to critique.i mean, there's a certain level of finesse that a really in-depth knowledge gives you, but that finesse is almost never needed, as far as i can tell. and of course, i'm not actually saying you don't need canon knowledge (far from it), but rather-- you need writing that requires it in a reader (uncommon) and you need to pay attention to what you -do- know, as much as you need to know it. so while i may know less, more of it is -used-, more of it is conscious, and more of it is paid -attention- to, as far as i can tell comparing myself to (some) people. but i'm not expert, certainly-- it's all take it or leave it, isn't it? i don't really give very "critical" reviews most times anyway, and i certainly don't canon-pick unless something really glaring happens. and okay, often enough that happens. still, i don't feel i need to know much to know that malfoy isn't a gorgeous, self-assured, universally worshipped model slytherin. just a guess.
on the other hand, hey, i just say what comes to mind. i don't claim i'm preaching gospel. i only know that people who i -do- think have a good grasp on things either think i'm right oftentimes or don't think i'm frighteningly misinformed and dumb oftentimes. otherwise, i'd have no clue, really, and just call it like i see it anyway. because, very obviously-- i just can't seem to-- well-- shut up.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re:
Date: 2003-04-03 07:55 pm (UTC)well. you know. things change. people do weird things-- their understanding of the world shifts, their desires overwhelm them, hormones happen, circumstances intervene (hello, draco trilogy, ahahahah), and sometimes, you just fall for the entirely wrong person, no matter -who- you are. like me, for instance. WHY oh WHY did i fall for jerk-boy? one -and- two. i don't know, really. i mean, he was really a menace to my emotional and mental health, he did everything in his power to portray himself as a stupid selfish imbalanced commitment-phobic rather insane -prick-.
Dude.
You know I have never read that Trilogy, first off. Why would I torture myself when I would just have to poke my eyes out with a toothpick?
Now, to the important part: people who date people, are attracted to people, who are *mean* to them are not equatable to a person dating the son of someone implicated in the death of one's parents.
Seriously. Take a second to this about this. I can understand why people ship h/d. I am not retarded. What I am saying is the whole 'cuteness' factor will cover a multitude of sins for people who want cute boy X and cute boy Y to hook up and be in love. However, in the case of Harry, he would NEVER do this. He is a bloody Gryffindor, they would rather blow a blast-ended skrewt than trust a Slytherin with their dick, much less their LOVE.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-03 08:44 pm (UTC)i think a number of people would probably downplay this intense disgust and despising you're saying harry feels for draco. i mean-- this whole focus on his supposed role in his parents' crimes, and so on.
eheheeh. this is making me think of
as far as the slytherinness being the Mark of Doom for their relationship--
well.
i dunno-- when/if people are just attracted, that attraction doesn't necessarily respect those arbitrary sorts of boundaries. you know? i -hope- that simply being slytherin isn't enough to make harry feel you're below blast-ended skrewts, no matter what. what that "what" is, is up to each particular fic, i guess.
then again, it's about looking on the Bright Side of...Life :D
so while i can definitely see the "other" side, i mean, i'm not -ignoring- it, i personally don't find it -irrelevant-... it's just that i think there is always possibilities, and that in fact you -could- interpret draco's behavior as being rather borderline on the verge of a crush type of obsession. or not.
but. i mean, just because you ship them doesn't mean you have to ignore the issues. just, you could be more...optimistic about the issues ^^
no subject
Date: 2003-04-03 09:28 pm (UTC)Yes, and they don't know me, and I don't read their fic for a reason. They are dumb.
i dunno-- when/if people are just attracted, that attraction doesn't necessarily respect those arbitrary sorts of boundaries. you know?
I know what you're saying. I completely disagree with you, however. The entire school is set up to foster these types of hatreds. Plus, everyone Harry knows hates Slytherins. You might think that he would just be all "oh well, my love with overcome their disapproval." when faced with the knowledge that every single person in his life would be repulsed, but Harry needs support. He *needs* these people. He has orphan issues in a major way. To disregard this is to just be "fuck Harry Potter books, I am writing a whole new Harry Potter." Fine. People can do that, but they need to friends' lock that shit.
I think on the other side, it would be the same for Draco. He doesn't want to consort with Potter! He was raised hating him. I am sure he only wanted to make friends with in the first place to prove to his dad that he could win over HARRY POTTER, when all he's heard his whole life is what a POS the kid is. What a prize to bring home to, eh? Being able to control and minionize HP? (Draco's thinking.)
eh. we will never agree.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-03 10:25 pm (UTC)i suppose it doesn't make sense. it's just one of those inexplicable attractions to things/ideas/people i should be against. *laughs and laughs*
i think we're playing out some sort of archetypal realist/cynic vs semi-realist/romantic argument, here. hee! it keeps me on my toes, i guess. ahahahaah okay i won't go into h/d parallels ;)
i focus on, "but it -could- change, somehow, someway", and you're all, "but this is how it's -always- been and -is-". basically, i take that leap of faith, and yet i can see where you're at, too. hee. and of course i find a lot of amusement in seeing you call people dumb >:D<
the fun thing is, i'm like in between you and aja, on this. i can see that side, and this side. personally, i like my little fantasy world, ahahahah. you know? i -realize- it's a fantasy world, but like. i'm just goopy like dat.
i can totally see all the um... obstacles. and you know what's funny? when it comes to almost everything else-- in real life-- i'm like that-- i bring up the past and the present and i say, this is just human nature or whatever, and you're beating your head against a brick wall. it's only in stories that i believe-- just because it makes me happy, i feel i need to. but i know it for what it is-- faith.
i just have fun knowing that these happy little paradoxes (or not so happy) can co-exist~:)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-04 03:18 pm (UTC)I want to have your iron-clad-canon babies and I want to make sure you are on my side in any debate ever, anywhere.
Re:
Date: 2003-04-04 08:53 pm (UTC)Could someone sell me on H/D in real way? I don't know. Maybe. I am not really the troll that lives under the bridge. Do I sometimes read H/D and just ignore all character/canon issues? Yes, for the sakes of all my friends who won't stop writing it. Have I written it myself and ignored the fact that I truly, truly believe that Harry would rather be sodomized by The Squid than even feel *sympathy* for Draco (much less *like* him)? Yes, and you can point fingers; I deserve it.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-04 09:05 pm (UTC)you know, you really had me going there, but now-- now i see >:D<
I truly, truly believe that Harry would rather be sodomized by The Squid than even feel *sympathy* for Draco
!!!
*laughs* that has POSSIBILITIES!! :D
"NOT THE SQUID!! I RELENT, I RELENT, JUST NOT--THE--SQUID!!" >:D<
what was i saying, again?
oh, nothing :D
i do think you need a certain temperament to like h/d, if you understand or want to understand them, i mean, beyond the faddish aspect. that is how i explain why people i like and admire don't actually ship it, ahahahah. and people i don't like so much-- well. you know, there are always black sheep :D
but i truly don't think it's willful flouting of canon-- just a totally different take on it. i've seen intelligent people bend the facts to rather suit h/d. and i've see others do the opposite (though not as much). h/d is at least within the realm of intuition, regardless of canon. on an idealised level of dream and desire, they make sense. they're a lot like other sorts of literary couples that way. i don't know if -canon- supports -any- slash except possibly sirius/remus or something (because ron is straight, ahahah).
just. you'd never believe in it if you don't use at least some sort of soppy leap of faith, simply because it's so ... i dunno... classically impossible. "BUT YOU'RE SCUM!!" etc~:)
eh, what do i know~:)
Re:
Date: 2003-04-04 09:22 pm (UTC)But who needs canon when there's hot, antagonistic porn to be read and written? Hehehe.