~~a monogamist's lament.
Mar. 31st, 2003 06:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkais there a line, somewhere?
well, there often isn't, but.
is there a line, that one should not cross, between sick devotion and a "good fit"? is monogamy bias, and therefore to be dislodged? is all bias something to be dislodged?
forgive me, i am thinking in philosophy-class speak. gaaaaahh. instead of fanfic, what have i been reading??! what, i ask you. heidegger and derrida. and i can't even shut up about it. then again, i can never shut up. have i ever shut up when i wanted to speak? no. only when i thought someone would jump down my throat (hello, dear ex), if i did.
i fear i'm horribly biased, and i don't know if i -want- to do something about it. sigh.
i am, by nature, someone who's quickly and enduringly devoted to something i love. it's easy, with ideas-- you don't have to endure them smelling bad, telling you off, fucking you when you'd rather be left alone, sleeping around, being an imbecile, misunderstanding you, hurting you. ideas are easy to love, and to love for a good long time.
that's why it's always vaguely surprising that people (other than me) get tired of them-- ideas come and go-- like fads. they love them and leave them. not me.
if i love something, it's because it reflects something vital, something that's a part of me. there's no way that part of me is -going away- very easily, so i think i'm stuck, usually. so if something contradicts an idea i love, or hurts it-- i won't adopt it, most likely. just easy as that. i can understand it, sympathize, see its point, see its virtues. i cannot -desire- it, or love it, if it's "against" one i already love.
sigh. such high-minded words to feel inadequate because i'm a stubborn otp-er who won't quit.
many days, i don't know what's the attraction anymore. i feel worn out, disillusioned-- i see manifestations of this idea that sicken me and disturb me. yet i discount them, ignore them, again and again, using my love to shield me from disgust. it may be old or dead or just decrepit, but it is mine, it is a part of me, and i cannot let go of it. i can no longer think of it, i can acceed that its use is gone, its glory faded. i can say, all right, let's retire, and never speak of it again. but i am painfully monogamous when it comes to romantic ideas.
i -doubt- them. i question them. i put them through the most exact and gruelling tests. i make fun of them, i laugh at them, i belittle them, even. but it would give me physical pain, probably, to contradict them and believe it. sigh. and to think i consider myself open-minded. love poo-poos on an open mind. "ha!" it says. "you joker!" it says. yah. pretty much.
~~
and just when i thought i was hopeless...
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glockgal draws cedric/harry that makes my knees weak. of course, this is yet another love-- an older love-- i was but a wee lass when i fell in love with fairy-tales, and art-- oh, i can crush on art of -anyone-. mmm, the -pretty-. am a slut for the pretty ^^
well, there often isn't, but.
is there a line, that one should not cross, between sick devotion and a "good fit"? is monogamy bias, and therefore to be dislodged? is all bias something to be dislodged?
forgive me, i am thinking in philosophy-class speak. gaaaaahh. instead of fanfic, what have i been reading??! what, i ask you. heidegger and derrida. and i can't even shut up about it. then again, i can never shut up. have i ever shut up when i wanted to speak? no. only when i thought someone would jump down my throat (hello, dear ex), if i did.
i fear i'm horribly biased, and i don't know if i -want- to do something about it. sigh.
i am, by nature, someone who's quickly and enduringly devoted to something i love. it's easy, with ideas-- you don't have to endure them smelling bad, telling you off, fucking you when you'd rather be left alone, sleeping around, being an imbecile, misunderstanding you, hurting you. ideas are easy to love, and to love for a good long time.
that's why it's always vaguely surprising that people (other than me) get tired of them-- ideas come and go-- like fads. they love them and leave them. not me.
if i love something, it's because it reflects something vital, something that's a part of me. there's no way that part of me is -going away- very easily, so i think i'm stuck, usually. so if something contradicts an idea i love, or hurts it-- i won't adopt it, most likely. just easy as that. i can understand it, sympathize, see its point, see its virtues. i cannot -desire- it, or love it, if it's "against" one i already love.
sigh. such high-minded words to feel inadequate because i'm a stubborn otp-er who won't quit.
many days, i don't know what's the attraction anymore. i feel worn out, disillusioned-- i see manifestations of this idea that sicken me and disturb me. yet i discount them, ignore them, again and again, using my love to shield me from disgust. it may be old or dead or just decrepit, but it is mine, it is a part of me, and i cannot let go of it. i can no longer think of it, i can acceed that its use is gone, its glory faded. i can say, all right, let's retire, and never speak of it again. but i am painfully monogamous when it comes to romantic ideas.
i -doubt- them. i question them. i put them through the most exact and gruelling tests. i make fun of them, i laugh at them, i belittle them, even. but it would give me physical pain, probably, to contradict them and believe it. sigh. and to think i consider myself open-minded. love poo-poos on an open mind. "ha!" it says. "you joker!" it says. yah. pretty much.
~~
and just when i thought i was hopeless...
glockgal draws cedric/harry that makes my knees weak. of course, this is yet another love-- an older love-- i was but a wee lass when i fell in love with fairy-tales, and art-- oh, i can crush on art of -anyone-. mmm, the -pretty-. am a slut for the pretty ^^
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no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 10:32 am (UTC)that's why it's always vaguely surprising that people (other than me) get tired of them-- ideas come and go-- like fads. they love them and leave them. not me.
if i love something, it's because it reflects something vital, something that's a part of me. there's no way that part of me is -going away- very easily, so i think i'm stuck...
many days, i don't know what's the attraction anymore. i feel worn out, disillusioned-- i see manifestations of this idea that sicken me and disturb me. yet i discount them, ignore them, again and again, using my love to shield me from disgust. it may be old or dead or just decrepit, but it is mine, it is a part of me, and i cannot let go of it. i can no longer think of it, i can acceed that its use is gone, its glory faded. i can say, all right, let's retire, and never speak of it again. but i am painfully monogamous when it comes to romantic ideas.
I'm in love with traditional music. The songs and tunes are hundreds of years old, some of them, and tackle themes that are well-worn -- one might even say "cliche". But some themes continue to speak truely of our experience as humans living out our lives, and some songs articulate those themes so perfectly that they really can't be outdone. That's why they continue to appeal to modern folks. Modern pop songs that come and go in a year are fleeting experiences with no staying power, because they don't speak to enduring human experiences, or they don't do it well enough. Songs that are part of the traditional repetoir have been through the wringer of folk-process -- people have chosen to continue singing them. Many of their contemporaries didn't survive to today.
My love for traditional music is enduring, pre-dating and surviving the Riverdance fad. I love it because it speaks to me about things that are important.
Some folks jump onto a 'ship when it's popular, and jump off when it becomes fadishly passe. I don't understand that any more than I understand the folks who love traditional music only one day out of the year. I guess my bigger concern about fadishness involves the creation of new work. I remember when croissants were introduced in my city, and they became the thing everyone wanted. More and more places started serving croissants, and the quality dropped dramatically. Eventually it became impossible to get a decent croissant in this town. The same thing happened with espresso, but in that case there were some producers who were devoted to both espresso and quality. So while there's plenty of crappy espresso out there, it's still possible to get decent coffee if you go to the right place. I sincerely hope that the fanfic that I love takes the path of espresso, avoiding the fate of the croissant.
i -doubt- them. i question them. i put them through the most exact and gruelling tests. i make fun of them, i laugh at them, i belittle them, even.
If you can laugh at your love, it's healthy. Who could ask for more? :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-04-01 10:49 am (UTC)*hearts the croissant/espresso fable*~:)
thinking about it, i suppose it's silly to worry about other people's preferences and to think they say something about your own. i mean, obviously they don't. people are different, and their tolerances vary, and some only want a croissant with cheese on it, and some might thing that's an abomination, or something -.-
it's a weird thing, that love of this sort is something of a communal thing at all-- that it seems its nature changes depending what someone else does with it. i mean, it's more obvious with things you can -use-, and i suppose fanfic, but rather weird with the meta ideas behind it (like pairings).
it's weird that a pairing's appeal can wax and wane depending on what your friends thing and what your friends write and what the general plebe writes and yes, so often you started out loving it -because- of someone's story (or stories), and -because- someone else's enthusiasm infected you and made you look again.
although i guess i don't care so much what anyone thinks, it's just having a scary pairing intrude on my "safe circle" of h/d shippers is... like someone being a frog-man under a halloween ball mask. or something. now that was a really weird metaphor, right there >< hee.