~~a monogamist's lament.

[reenka]

is there a line, somewhere?

well, there often isn't, but.
is there a line, that one should not cross, between sick devotion and a "good fit"? is monogamy bias, and therefore to be dislodged? is all bias something to be dislodged?

forgive me, i am thinking in philosophy-class speak. gaaaaahh. instead of fanfic, what have i been reading??! what, i ask you. heidegger and derrida. and i can't even shut up about it. then again, i can never shut up. have i ever shut up when i wanted to speak? no. only when i thought someone would jump down my throat (hello, dear ex), if i did.

i fear i'm horribly biased, and i don't know if i -want- to do something about it. sigh.

i am, by nature, someone who's quickly and enduringly devoted to something i love. it's easy, with ideas-- you don't have to endure them smelling bad, telling you off, fucking you when you'd rather be left alone, sleeping around, being an imbecile, misunderstanding you, hurting you. ideas are easy to love, and to love for a good long time.

that's why it's always vaguely surprising that people (other than me) get tired of them-- ideas come and go-- like fads. they love them and leave them. not me.

if i love something, it's because it reflects something vital, something that's a part of me. there's no way that part of me is -going away- very easily, so i think i'm stuck, usually. so if something contradicts an idea i love, or hurts it-- i won't adopt it, most likely. just easy as that. i can understand it, sympathize, see its point, see its virtues. i cannot -desire- it, or love it, if it's "against" one i already love.

sigh. such high-minded words to feel inadequate because i'm a stubborn otp-er who won't quit.

many days, i don't know what's the attraction anymore. i feel worn out, disillusioned-- i see manifestations of this idea that sicken me and disturb me. yet i discount them, ignore them, again and again, using my love to shield me from disgust. it may be old or dead or just decrepit, but it is mine, it is a part of me, and i cannot let go of it. i can no longer think of it, i can acceed that its use is gone, its glory faded. i can say, all right, let's retire, and never speak of it again. but i am painfully monogamous when it comes to romantic ideas.

i -doubt- them. i question them. i put them through the most exact and gruelling tests. i make fun of them, i laugh at them, i belittle them, even. but it would give me physical pain, probably, to contradict them and believe it. sigh. and to think i consider myself open-minded. love poo-poos on an open mind. "ha!" it says. "you joker!" it says. yah. pretty much.
~~

and just when i thought i was hopeless...
    glockgal draws cedric/harry that makes my knees weak. of course, this is yet another love-- an older love-- i was but a wee lass when i fell in love with fairy-tales, and art-- oh, i can crush on art of -anyone-. mmm, the -pretty-. am a slut for the pretty ^^

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Hi, um, I couldn't help but read this and relate--I'm very much the same. I can deal with an OTP that has a sort of auxiliary pairing, like one that happened in the past, or is used simply to point the character towards his real OTP. But I can't ship something that contradicts...I even avoid reading fics that ship something that contradicts. And it's rather strange because usually I'm so flexible. I like to be able to look at things all different ways and never be tied down to just one thing, except with a pairing. (Not that a pairing like H/D doesn't really encompass dozens of pairings in itself depending on the characterization!)

I try to tell myself that obviously I'm getting something out of whatever my current obsession is and I just can't move on until I've understood everything I need to understand from it.