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reenkai had one of those realizations that are quite obvious but jar me all the same. it's always like that. i always realize things that are quite obvious, and delight in it, because the pleasure is the same-- of discovery-- whether something is a mystery of the universe, or of my heart, or of the most minute happenstance.
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olympia_m asked me once what i thought the flaw in beauty was. and it's simple, really. the flaw in beauty is our own limited perception of it. we cannot perceive perfect beauty, but only pieces of it. we each have our own beauty, our own way of understanding-- and that's perfectly all right-- it's just not-- well-- perfect. i don't usually go around demanding perfection... but....
it occurs to me that really, everything i say is very limited by my emotional response, most of the time. people tend to think i'm not babbling nonsense (who knows why), but really-- almost everything i say is off the cuff and completely uncensored. not premeditated except as far as planning to say it beforehand, but not editing beforehand, really. i have these gut responses to beauty, to art, to writing-- i love it or i hate it or it leaves me cold. my enthusiasm and desire to babble and share comes from my complete solipsism, my total immersion in my own little world of pleasure. and the awful thing is-- i will still defend myself, even now. i will tell you-- that fic that i say is pure magic? yes, that fic. it really -is- that good. i would dare anyone to prove me wrong-- and how can you? unless you spoke my exact language of desire, you never could. i can't even see outside myself enough to truly convince myself of my own limitation. i am merely -hypothesizing- that i am limited, rather than seeing outside of myself, truly.
all those authors on my main journal page? i have worshipped at least one fic by them, at some point. i still probably do. try and tell me it's not greatness and i will scoff-- i can see its faults, certainly. i can see the flaws in things. i can even detail them. i have just been readingjulad's `lustre' today (i'd recced it before based solely on the fact that it is julad, who can do no wrong), and i was adoring it. i seriously nearly worship her way with description and dialogue. i almost never think-- but what about this or that, while i'm in the throes of this passion. and passion it is. what about her characterization? what about her plot? i mean, i can -tell- you that her characterization in `lustre' is good enough, is okay. it pleases me-- the dialogue is so snappy i'll count that as characterization. the plot? well, there -is- plot-- and it's... er... unique and i like it. is it brilliance? er.... no, it's merely good (admittedly, more than i can say for most fics, even ones i adore). when i -truly-, truly worship a fic, i mean-- neil-level worship (this happens v. rarely), then, i am proud to say-- yes, everything is up to snuff. neil's plot arcs (in `sandman') are brilliant, his dialogue sizzling, his characterizations extremely vivid, his descriptions (while not many, it being a comic), beautiful. i adore him, and would challenge any thinking feeling person to tell me what's wrong with his work. and... therein lies the problem.
i just realized... (to get to the point) that somehow, this exuberant tendency of mine to just spurt joy and/or horror heedlessly around when it comes to my reaction to art, so long honed by obsessive book reading and private squeeing, plays out very differently in fandom. it's not that i'm uber-honest. i'm just... uncontrolled. i just have these-- reactions to things, and i can't help myself. and yet-- in fandom-- where people seem to look towards people for reassurance, for feedback, for some sort of... fannish pro/con relationship, this gets taken as-- directed towards -them-. if i say i loved something, i'm not just complimenting the fic. i'm also complimenting the author. nearly directly.
i don't mean to. and yet, i do.
i want to say that for all my love for various fics, i don't mean to say -anything- about their authors, but that's not true. i don't send love to -all- my favorite writers, but i obviously do to some of them. and now i wonder. is this somehow false? wrong? i am in the weird position of thinking perhaps i ought to take it back (which is just ridiculous). how often have i said i loff maya? and ivy? and aja? i wasn't lying, but. by implication-- if i ever dislike a fic-- this could very easily be taken as an attack towards its author. just as positive feedback makes the author feel good, negative feedback makes the author feel bad.
this is how people lose friends, isn't it? how fandom kerfuffles start, often enough, isn't it. people express their not-so-glowing opinion of someone's writing-- it's enough to get people upset, right. i mean, but it's just the flipside of the coin. just as one unreasonably likes things, one unreasonably dislikes things. but it's not... nice to dislike things for reasons you can't defend. while it's okay to like things for reasons you cannot defend, because that's not hurting anyone. though by very definition, like and dislike are obviously highly, highly subjective in art and have nothing to do with one's opinion of the artist at -all-. and it's -okay- to dislike someone's work, because even brilliant authors do shitty work.
i think some of shakespeare's work sucks. i really don't think `good omens' is the best thing neil ever wrote. the first few volumes of `sandman' are kinda... eh. not as good as the rest. aja's first few chapters of luw aren't as good as the latter chapters. sometimes ivy writes something that doesn't seem quite up to snuff. sometimes -i- write things that are atrocious and i want to -burn-, burn, burn.
but why listen to me? this is just... flippant. i am flippant, and emotionally driven, and my passions and attractions aren't something i'm responsible for, are they? i suppose this is a public forum, and i'm risking offending people because... because... because what? because what? is it truly that horrible to write something less than glorious? is it?
but oh, i can see the flip side of the coin. i understand how groups work, how while the "why is not not okay" thing seems reasonable, reason has nothing to do with people's feelings. that's why people aren't honest-- right? that's why no one (other thankoanju, i sometimes think) gives entirely unsentimental critiques-- though by admission, those are more edits than reviews, so maybe that's completely different.
and yet i don't usually comment when i think what someone's written isn't up to snuff. not because i'm hiding the fact, but simply because my passion wasn't invoked. is that a white lie by omission? i think, but if they -asked- me, then i'd -tell- them. that's why i like the idea of a critical community. but on the other hand, i don't like having to read things i don't like. hmm.
anyway. this whole thing-- the realization that i am somehow feeding the authors by my usually pretty glowing (though not overly simplistically so) reviews, and its implied flipside, kind of bothers me.
i've been happy knowing i made people happy. and yet, it bothers me. the fact is, i -have- liked people because of their work. i mean, if you write things that beautiful, that amazing-- how can -you- not be beautiful? how can i not admire you, when you produce such gorgeousness? and since i -can- know you better, how can i not want to? and yet. this is only good and happy until i use the opposite end of the stick. the reality is, i don't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings. i am oh-so-happy i don't know mercedes lackey and she will never read this. because my GOD, her work (not her) SUCKS ASS. no, really. it's addictive and the worlds are very rich and vivid, and i love her characters-- same thing with jkr-- but my bloody -gahd-, their writing is atrocious. and i mean, it makes me scream. scream in -horror-. i run, run, run away! when i first saw `the sorcerer's stone', soon after it came out, i couldn't -bear- to read it. it is written -really-, really, really, really badly. my opinion. my very limited, very biased, very personal opinion. okay? don't stone me~:)
i dunno. if you really do want to stone me because i don't like jkr's writing, you're probably advised not to read my journal. not because i'm some self-righteous manevolent prick, but because honestly, i'll probably hurt your feelings at one point, and that would really upset me, because i -hate- hurting people's feelings. why do i read hp fanfic? because i like the fanfic authors more than jkr. i like her world, and her characters-- and the basic plots are not too bad, i guess. but her -prose- kills me, it kills me dead. i can't help it, okay? i just can't help it. my eyes hurt, reading it. i'm sorry. i really am. what can i do? it's just my taste. i can't do anything about it at all.
now, most of my life i thought that was okay-- vociferously liking and disliking things to my heart's content. who cares, after all. this is just me, and my opinions. who in the world do they matter to, besides myself? it's not that i'm -entitled- to them. it's that i don't see why anyone else would -care-, unless i'm forcing them down their throat and calling myself queen of the universe besides. but. but.
i understand that in fandom, all this is different. you're not saying you don't like a writer or a fic, by saying a certain fic sucks. you're insulting that person, and that person's friends, and that person's reason for living. in the privacy of your own head, in your own (paper) journal, sure, you can rant and rave and say exactly what you think of all of so-and-so's books and of the latest book of so-so's series. i mean, no one gets offended (right), if i were to say i hate... i dunno... arthur c. clarke's writing with the passion of a million fiery suns. right? (i don't, but that's besides the point). i'm free to call it badfic, right? because that's my opinion, and i can't stand it, and bad is a subjective term which i'm free to use to describe things that displease me-- like, "ewww, that cheese is SO BAD." heh.
i'm free, also, to call neil a god and to worship the sandman and to be a hopeless fangirl-- without feeding neil's ego and without allying myself with various other neil fans, who would support me in my excellent decision to like neil ("yeay! a disciple!").
i can say-- trying for some wise conclusion-- that we should all try to... i dunno. get over this. to see people as people and fics as fics. not to see fic-love as a pledge of allegiance and fic-hate as a horrid slander on their soul. but it ain't gonna happen. personally, if you tell me you -hate- my fic, i will be... er... surprised at the strength of your sentiment, and i would want to know what's wrong. if you say, "i can't stand your characterization, it sucks, how dare you write such an awful, snivelling draco"... i'd be... ok. yah. probably not everyone's cup of tea. it would hurt, but i get it. i mean. yah. i'm always surprised anyone actually digs my fanfic. if someone didn't, to me it's just another proof that i need to improve. but anyway. i wouldn't be -happy-. i would sulk. i would tell myself i suck and i should never write again. it's all hopeless. i suck, i suck, i suck. (mostly, i would only tell myself this because i already fear it, not because the person said it-- i find we just look for reinforcement of our pre-existing opinions, a lot of the time-- thus, if i truly believed in my greatness, it would be laughable if someone told me my fics sucked).
anyway. for me personally-- it's not the same thing. i may like you -and- your fic, or i may just like you, or i may just like your fic-- same with the opposite. if i dislike a fic, doesn't mean i dislike -all- your fic. doesn't mean i will even dislike this fic tomorrow. doesn't mean i know what i'm talking about. doesn't mean i've had my medicine today. doesn't mean i'm not insane. i -am- insane. this is all just a fit of insanity, y'all realize. my extreme emotions about art are... well... extreme. damn if i know what to do with them. damn if i can vouch for their safety, veracity, usefulness or general fitness for public consumption. i come with many warnings and disclaimers. so do we all. we all suck, to someone. right? right. we all rock to someone. right? right.
TO HELL WITH OBJECTIVITY!! are you with me??! woo-hoo!! (and yes, that was totally pointless. i will continue to be polite. or try to be. i see no way how i can change fandom, or people's sensitivities. this is an erm... tight-knit community. some things lost-- like careless honesty-- some things gained-- like close relationships between writers. all in all, it's a trade-off, like most things, and one i'm willing to deal with.)
~~
ahem :D
on that note.
ztrin wrote another beautiful, gorgeous, glorious fic which makes me gibber in star-struck envy. it's gen. it's ron pov. it's brilliance. hee. you better believe me, too ~;)
and just how woobie -is- zahra's little afterthought to `unlabeled'?? gah. woobie. woobie, i tell you!! WOOBIE!!
although, honestly, probably not -quite- as woobie as the harry from the american ootp cover. now -that- is woobie. my -gahd-. all i can think is... wah. draco stands no chance, ehehehehe. i am so inappropriately gleeful!! i. love. it.
olympia_m asked me once what i thought the flaw in beauty was. and it's simple, really. the flaw in beauty is our own limited perception of it. we cannot perceive perfect beauty, but only pieces of it. we each have our own beauty, our own way of understanding-- and that's perfectly all right-- it's just not-- well-- perfect. i don't usually go around demanding perfection... but....it occurs to me that really, everything i say is very limited by my emotional response, most of the time. people tend to think i'm not babbling nonsense (who knows why), but really-- almost everything i say is off the cuff and completely uncensored. not premeditated except as far as planning to say it beforehand, but not editing beforehand, really. i have these gut responses to beauty, to art, to writing-- i love it or i hate it or it leaves me cold. my enthusiasm and desire to babble and share comes from my complete solipsism, my total immersion in my own little world of pleasure. and the awful thing is-- i will still defend myself, even now. i will tell you-- that fic that i say is pure magic? yes, that fic. it really -is- that good. i would dare anyone to prove me wrong-- and how can you? unless you spoke my exact language of desire, you never could. i can't even see outside myself enough to truly convince myself of my own limitation. i am merely -hypothesizing- that i am limited, rather than seeing outside of myself, truly.
all those authors on my main journal page? i have worshipped at least one fic by them, at some point. i still probably do. try and tell me it's not greatness and i will scoff-- i can see its faults, certainly. i can see the flaws in things. i can even detail them. i have just been reading
julad's `lustre' today (i'd recced it before based solely on the fact that it is julad, who can do no wrong), and i was adoring it. i seriously nearly worship her way with description and dialogue. i almost never think-- but what about this or that, while i'm in the throes of this passion. and passion it is. what about her characterization? what about her plot? i mean, i can -tell- you that her characterization in `lustre' is good enough, is okay. it pleases me-- the dialogue is so snappy i'll count that as characterization. the plot? well, there -is- plot-- and it's... er... unique and i like it. is it brilliance? er.... no, it's merely good (admittedly, more than i can say for most fics, even ones i adore). when i -truly-, truly worship a fic, i mean-- neil-level worship (this happens v. rarely), then, i am proud to say-- yes, everything is up to snuff. neil's plot arcs (in `sandman') are brilliant, his dialogue sizzling, his characterizations extremely vivid, his descriptions (while not many, it being a comic), beautiful. i adore him, and would challenge any thinking feeling person to tell me what's wrong with his work. and... therein lies the problem.i just realized... (to get to the point) that somehow, this exuberant tendency of mine to just spurt joy and/or horror heedlessly around when it comes to my reaction to art, so long honed by obsessive book reading and private squeeing, plays out very differently in fandom. it's not that i'm uber-honest. i'm just... uncontrolled. i just have these-- reactions to things, and i can't help myself. and yet-- in fandom-- where people seem to look towards people for reassurance, for feedback, for some sort of... fannish pro/con relationship, this gets taken as-- directed towards -them-. if i say i loved something, i'm not just complimenting the fic. i'm also complimenting the author. nearly directly.
i don't mean to. and yet, i do.
i want to say that for all my love for various fics, i don't mean to say -anything- about their authors, but that's not true. i don't send love to -all- my favorite writers, but i obviously do to some of them. and now i wonder. is this somehow false? wrong? i am in the weird position of thinking perhaps i ought to take it back (which is just ridiculous). how often have i said i loff maya? and ivy? and aja? i wasn't lying, but. by implication-- if i ever dislike a fic-- this could very easily be taken as an attack towards its author. just as positive feedback makes the author feel good, negative feedback makes the author feel bad.
this is how people lose friends, isn't it? how fandom kerfuffles start, often enough, isn't it. people express their not-so-glowing opinion of someone's writing-- it's enough to get people upset, right. i mean, but it's just the flipside of the coin. just as one unreasonably likes things, one unreasonably dislikes things. but it's not... nice to dislike things for reasons you can't defend. while it's okay to like things for reasons you cannot defend, because that's not hurting anyone. though by very definition, like and dislike are obviously highly, highly subjective in art and have nothing to do with one's opinion of the artist at -all-. and it's -okay- to dislike someone's work, because even brilliant authors do shitty work.
i think some of shakespeare's work sucks. i really don't think `good omens' is the best thing neil ever wrote. the first few volumes of `sandman' are kinda... eh. not as good as the rest. aja's first few chapters of luw aren't as good as the latter chapters. sometimes ivy writes something that doesn't seem quite up to snuff. sometimes -i- write things that are atrocious and i want to -burn-, burn, burn.
but why listen to me? this is just... flippant. i am flippant, and emotionally driven, and my passions and attractions aren't something i'm responsible for, are they? i suppose this is a public forum, and i'm risking offending people because... because... because what? because what? is it truly that horrible to write something less than glorious? is it?
but oh, i can see the flip side of the coin. i understand how groups work, how while the "why is not not okay" thing seems reasonable, reason has nothing to do with people's feelings. that's why people aren't honest-- right? that's why no one (other than
koanju, i sometimes think) gives entirely unsentimental critiques-- though by admission, those are more edits than reviews, so maybe that's completely different. and yet i don't usually comment when i think what someone's written isn't up to snuff. not because i'm hiding the fact, but simply because my passion wasn't invoked. is that a white lie by omission? i think, but if they -asked- me, then i'd -tell- them. that's why i like the idea of a critical community. but on the other hand, i don't like having to read things i don't like. hmm.
anyway. this whole thing-- the realization that i am somehow feeding the authors by my usually pretty glowing (though not overly simplistically so) reviews, and its implied flipside, kind of bothers me.
i've been happy knowing i made people happy. and yet, it bothers me. the fact is, i -have- liked people because of their work. i mean, if you write things that beautiful, that amazing-- how can -you- not be beautiful? how can i not admire you, when you produce such gorgeousness? and since i -can- know you better, how can i not want to? and yet. this is only good and happy until i use the opposite end of the stick. the reality is, i don't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings. i am oh-so-happy i don't know mercedes lackey and she will never read this. because my GOD, her work (not her) SUCKS ASS. no, really. it's addictive and the worlds are very rich and vivid, and i love her characters-- same thing with jkr-- but my bloody -gahd-, their writing is atrocious. and i mean, it makes me scream. scream in -horror-. i run, run, run away! when i first saw `the sorcerer's stone', soon after it came out, i couldn't -bear- to read it. it is written -really-, really, really, really badly. my opinion. my very limited, very biased, very personal opinion. okay? don't stone me~:)
i dunno. if you really do want to stone me because i don't like jkr's writing, you're probably advised not to read my journal. not because i'm some self-righteous manevolent prick, but because honestly, i'll probably hurt your feelings at one point, and that would really upset me, because i -hate- hurting people's feelings. why do i read hp fanfic? because i like the fanfic authors more than jkr. i like her world, and her characters-- and the basic plots are not too bad, i guess. but her -prose- kills me, it kills me dead. i can't help it, okay? i just can't help it. my eyes hurt, reading it. i'm sorry. i really am. what can i do? it's just my taste. i can't do anything about it at all.
now, most of my life i thought that was okay-- vociferously liking and disliking things to my heart's content. who cares, after all. this is just me, and my opinions. who in the world do they matter to, besides myself? it's not that i'm -entitled- to them. it's that i don't see why anyone else would -care-, unless i'm forcing them down their throat and calling myself queen of the universe besides. but. but.
i understand that in fandom, all this is different. you're not saying you don't like a writer or a fic, by saying a certain fic sucks. you're insulting that person, and that person's friends, and that person's reason for living. in the privacy of your own head, in your own (paper) journal, sure, you can rant and rave and say exactly what you think of all of so-and-so's books and of the latest book of so-so's series. i mean, no one gets offended (right), if i were to say i hate... i dunno... arthur c. clarke's writing with the passion of a million fiery suns. right? (i don't, but that's besides the point). i'm free to call it badfic, right? because that's my opinion, and i can't stand it, and bad is a subjective term which i'm free to use to describe things that displease me-- like, "ewww, that cheese is SO BAD." heh.
i'm free, also, to call neil a god and to worship the sandman and to be a hopeless fangirl-- without feeding neil's ego and without allying myself with various other neil fans, who would support me in my excellent decision to like neil ("yeay! a disciple!").
i can say-- trying for some wise conclusion-- that we should all try to... i dunno. get over this. to see people as people and fics as fics. not to see fic-love as a pledge of allegiance and fic-hate as a horrid slander on their soul. but it ain't gonna happen. personally, if you tell me you -hate- my fic, i will be... er... surprised at the strength of your sentiment, and i would want to know what's wrong. if you say, "i can't stand your characterization, it sucks, how dare you write such an awful, snivelling draco"... i'd be... ok. yah. probably not everyone's cup of tea. it would hurt, but i get it. i mean. yah. i'm always surprised anyone actually digs my fanfic. if someone didn't, to me it's just another proof that i need to improve. but anyway. i wouldn't be -happy-. i would sulk. i would tell myself i suck and i should never write again. it's all hopeless. i suck, i suck, i suck. (mostly, i would only tell myself this because i already fear it, not because the person said it-- i find we just look for reinforcement of our pre-existing opinions, a lot of the time-- thus, if i truly believed in my greatness, it would be laughable if someone told me my fics sucked).
anyway. for me personally-- it's not the same thing. i may like you -and- your fic, or i may just like you, or i may just like your fic-- same with the opposite. if i dislike a fic, doesn't mean i dislike -all- your fic. doesn't mean i will even dislike this fic tomorrow. doesn't mean i know what i'm talking about. doesn't mean i've had my medicine today. doesn't mean i'm not insane. i -am- insane. this is all just a fit of insanity, y'all realize. my extreme emotions about art are... well... extreme. damn if i know what to do with them. damn if i can vouch for their safety, veracity, usefulness or general fitness for public consumption. i come with many warnings and disclaimers. so do we all. we all suck, to someone. right? right. we all rock to someone. right? right.
TO HELL WITH OBJECTIVITY!! are you with me??! woo-hoo!! (and yes, that was totally pointless. i will continue to be polite. or try to be. i see no way how i can change fandom, or people's sensitivities. this is an erm... tight-knit community. some things lost-- like careless honesty-- some things gained-- like close relationships between writers. all in all, it's a trade-off, like most things, and one i'm willing to deal with.)
~~
ahem :D
on that note.
ztrin wrote another beautiful, gorgeous, glorious fic which makes me gibber in star-struck envy. it's gen. it's ron pov. it's brilliance. hee. you better believe me, too ~;)and just how woobie -is- zahra's little afterthought to `unlabeled'?? gah. woobie. woobie, i tell you!! WOOBIE!!
although, honestly, probably not -quite- as woobie as the harry from the american ootp cover. now -that- is woobie. my -gahd-. all i can think is... wah. draco stands no chance, ehehehehe. i am so inappropriately gleeful!! i. love. it.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-21 02:53 pm (UTC)but HAHAHAHA YOU DIDN'T NOTICE IT EITHER YOU ARE SUCH A T00B BUT IN SOME TIME, YOU WILL SEE. YOU ARE SO VERY T00BISH!
no subject
Date: 2003-03-24 08:45 pm (UTC)what? what? *looks around frantically*
it's not nice to make me paranoid. well. i mean. yes. i know all. i can never be paranoid. although, the t00biness is obviously true. i can see that already >:D<
i mean... what can be so... er. what was... what... about that comment... could possibly...
unless it has to do with `flame & shadow' and... maya writes a sequel...and....
ok, that's just. right then ><;;