~~the importance of being earnest :>

[reenka]

hee. giggling at lasair's post, and trying to think of vaguely shocking things that no one would really think are true about myself. can't think of anything. i'm sure plenty of people have misconceptions about me, but i can't imagine what they are. i mean, first of all, i don't perpetuate them on purpose-- i may withold information i consider boring or embarrassing, but i don't really edit myself. i've been told you can't tell who i am from this journal. i suppose it's true, hopefully-- that my opinions on hp fandom don't define me-- even though mostly, i just use fandom as a starting off point to babble about life, the universe, and everything.

what people think about me is a subject i'm admittedly pretty interested in, since usually people tell me things like, "oh, you're smart", or "sweet" or "quiet" or "wow, you can write" or "you're being weird again" or "you're just loony" (those are the people who like me-- if they don't feel like being nice, they just call me crazy). is that my big secret? i'm actually not as rational/normal as i appear? not that i appear normal. i hope.
    i've been called shallow once and ditzy (shallow by implication) once. i do wonder if people think i'm boring and lame and offensive (that'd be weird, but), and just don't tell me. people are liable to keep things to themselves, and stuff. when i was in junior high,and especially elementary, i could tell enough people thought i was lame, "different", kind of a joke. very few people noticed me, but out of those that did, either they liked me or were boggled by me. on the other hand, they only knew me casually, so i suppose being "nice" and "smart" was all they knew, so it's not surprising they liked whatever it was they thought was me.


i tend to ignore people's opinions and yet i crave to know them. it doesn't occur to me to misrepresent myself, and i wonder why people do. the only reason i don't use my full "real name" is because i don't like it much (my last name is especially ugly), and because i have issues with names-- i got -given- a name, and it labels me as part of my family and my nationality, and i don't feel comfortable being those things-- russian, jewish, immigrant. there, are those secrets? i could tell you my opinion on everything, i could easily talk about my loves and hates and passions, my taste in things and my knowledge of things-- but just saying "i was born in russia" makes me vaguely ill.

it's not because i want people online not to know it. you're just people to me, not "people online". i don't make that differentiation, i don't assume you're hiding something, that you're an actor playing a part, that you're not "real". i hate when anyone thinks -i'm- not real, in any capacity, so i wouldn't insult someone by challenging their reality. that's a great insult, really. I Am Real is paramount to me, to be able to say, to believe. how could i bear to take away from that? on the other hand, limiting myself to only talking about my opinions on fanfic limits my reality, kind of, i suppose.
    i'm not always sincere. sometimes i'm sarcastic, and sometimes i'm talking out of my ass. that's normal, though. sometimes i think i'm -too- sincere, and people think i'm a dork. people like to think they leave highschool behind when they graduate, but i don't see it. i see highschool everywhere. if i'm still in it, kind of, it's because the world is acting like a bunch of lame 15-year-olds, too. playing games of popularity and cliques and sex-obsession and appearances and casual cruelty. i didn't talk much-- okay, at all-- in high school. strangely, people didn't seem to think i was the next unibomber, and rather liked me, the ones that said anything, anyway.

that's why fandom bothers me, that feeling of it being a clique within a clique within a clique. because i admire people here, unlike in high school, where 95% of everyone was a moron. here, i admire and i want to be their friend, but i still don't know how. i still see the people i admire be in cliques, in established mini-fandoms. this happens everywhere, of course-- in college, most definitely. i used to resent the computer geek clique-slash-dorm-floor-- the fact that it was a clique, and i wanted in. i hate wanting in, because i spent most of my life wanting out. in my school, all the koreans stick together and all the black new yorkers stick together and all the indians stick together and a lot of the art-theatre-anime-etc geeks stick together. i just sit near them, listening to them, and they ignore me. in fandom, i don't get ignored as much, probably because i actually say something instead of just stalking people~:) instead of social skills, i get by with merely my inability to stop talking to myself.


so i won't make a quiz, but if you want to ask a question, go ahead. i've been known to give out my cup-size to total strangers online, so nothing is too much, really. i mean, the idea of someone stalking me is ridiculous. well, first they'd have to care, which is just so not happening, since the people i tend to attract are usually really antisocial geeky types who are even worse at going outside their room than i am. or maybe i'm just bitter~:)

so yah, i don't think there's anything shocking about me. how sad. or maybe i think i'm more transparent than i am.
    would it be shocking if i said,

i sometimes vaguely dislike people for no apparent reason, but friend them just because they friended me and are well-known in my little corner of fandom.
or,
i secretly want to be very popular and would write plebey fic with ak-shon and cocks and love potions and melodrama if i thought it'd get me 700 comments and undying fangirls-- if only i didn't know that'd make me sick, so i guess i don't want it after all.
or,
i'm really antisocial (shock?)
or,
i'm a comment whore and wish i had more, more, more.
or,
i actually can't stand the harry potter books, still, just like i used to before i was in the fandom. though i adore draco and have a soft spot for harry.

ahahah. well, see, everyone knows these things.
    ack, i'd have the "ask me a question" thing except that's so... egotistic, and i don't think anyone wants to know anything, really.
    all the things i don't say, usually it's because they don't seem important or their opposite is true too. see, this is what happens when you don't leave anything out on purpose. you don't know what you left out, so you feel like you've included everything, except people may get an entirely wrong impression anyway, and no one would be the wiser.

i used to like beverly hills, 90210. of course, i don't think it's contradictory to my current personality, personally, but it may shock other people, right? i don't like the concept of being a "fan", and try not to be (no secret). i hate lettuce. i am really shallow, and stare at girl's boobs a lot and am happy because they'd never suspect me. i hold grudges and find it hard to not take things personally. i'm quite strident about some issues that would probably offend people (abortion, creationism, women's rights, gay rights, my raging hatred for stupidity, some conservativism, narrow-minded people, anti-science people and so on...)

wah. lost the plot. and oh yah, fangirls (my -own- fangirls) freak me out. i think there are few things as uniquely scary as people who squee over me writing het kissage (awww, ron/hermione, write moooore!). i like keanu reeves and think people are too up-tight about his lack of acting skills. i somewhat look down on people who only like the "popular" fantasy authors. i've given up on thinking that if you like neil gaiman you must be more intelligent/interesting because i've been proven wrong so many times. i still worship neil, though. neil is god (except i don't love stardust, don't feel like reading `american gods', can't get up enough interest to read neverwhere, and love the books of magic series more than his mini-series.) so yah, neil is god, but i don't worship him very well.
    oh yah, and i don't find terry pratchett laugh out loud funny, or `good omens' for that matter. i mean, it makes me smile, but it's not hilarious or anything. had more fun reading `tickle me pink'. possibly, durendal is funnier than terry pratchett, but i don't know. he is cute, though. not my thing. piers anthony sucks really badly. so does mercedes lackey (and yes, read her anyway-- both of them-- they suck, i'm just masochistic, obviously). anne rice does nothing for me. i like really lame shoujo anime, and tolerate things in it would throw up at in fanfic. i'm such a fantasy book snob. i am. but only because the popular authors really suck (gar, not another 10-book series about questing dwarves and swordfighting).

can't get myself to read tolkien's epic, it's so dry. wah, i'd fall asleep. adore some of his short stories and essays-- i don't know where his writing skills went, with the epic. of course, last time i tried to read it, i was 13. still can't get myself to read draco dormiens and draco sinister because i'm afraid of het (am not proud). for all my talk, i'm really just a dork, obviously.

Comments

[novembersnow.livejournal.com]

I love your posts, I do. You always get me thinking. So now I'm sitting here musing about how well my online presence represents what I'm like in real life--whether I edit myself too much, trying to make myself seem better, or more interesting, than I am. (*skims recent LJ entries* Haha...if I'm going for interesting, I have quite obviously failed.)

I'm actually right there with you about the "wondering what other people think of me" thing. I'm really very shy around most people, so I think there aren't a lot of people who know me very well. But I wonder about their perspectives--like, do I come across as much like a doofus as I feel on most days? ;) As far as high school goes, I don't think most people there would even remember me now, but I guess that's what comes of being a nerd with a small circle of close friends. (Ah, and there we go with the cliques again!)

For what it's worth (and, of course, I don't know you very well), to me you seem intelligent, insightful, fun, sweet (yes, sweet), and just a little evil. Hee. Everyone needs a dash of evil, just for flavor.

You asked for questions, so I think I'm going to ask you personal-life-type questions, if that's OK. I don't think I knew you were born in Russia--how old were you when your family emigrated? Also, how did you decide to go to Binghamton? (I knew people in high school who went there for undergrad, and a couple college friends of mine are currently there for grad school (art history). I'm just always curious about how people choose the schools they attend.)

And, d00d, don't sell yourself short. Dorks rock, man. (At least, that is what we dorks tell ourselves to boost our self-esteem. Heh.)

*skims back through this* Man, I so shouldn't post comments in other people's LJ's when I'm tired. *sigh*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee. i wonder if more people would ask me questions if it was an impersonal form type thing, or less. oh well.

and yah, i like dorks, most of the time. though it doesn't mean that it's always pleasant, you know. sort of requires itself to be unpleasant, like ferris bueller except few things ever go his way. or something ><;;

well, my parents left russia (with me in tow) the day after my 11th birthday. it was quite a shock-- i'd only found out a week beforehand. i think i almost fainted. i mean, here i am, on vacation, and my father calls me up and says, "btw, we're leaving the country in a week."
they'd told me earlier we're going on vacation to australia, ahahaah. things are different when you're a child. your parents lie to you and it's all normal, you know, one expects it. except one doesn't.

didn't really -pick- binghamton. my guidance counselor-- who was also my chemistry teacher-- was obsessed with me applying to stonybrook. she went to stonybrook, of course, and they have SUCH a great chemistry program. i wanted to be a biochemist, or a chem-physicist or a biophysicist-- you know, whatever it took to save the world and discover warp drive.
i wanted to a) go to mit; b) go to california. or at least c) get the hell out of nyc. so, no way am i applying to stonybrook. i did apply to suny (and you could put a number of schools on the application), so i picked buffalo, binghamton and oneonta, with binghamton as first choice because buffalo is so ...well... wintery. cold. on the rat's ass of new york state.

i wasn't counting on -going- to any suny school, but then-- i only applied to mit, california state schools (even -more- picky than mit in terms of out-of-state students), and that's IT. and binghamton as a last resort.
i am so so dumb. i was in denial about leaving high school, and i never look into things on time, so i was just left with... okay, it's binghamton or some stupid school in boston that had rolling admission.

i still don't know if i could've handled mit. but you know, they have the science fictiony type professors, and they're discovering warp drive, you know it.
i should've applied to the liberal arts new england colleges, but you know, i wanted to be a scientist, and i wanted a research-heavy school. binghamton has a nice research reputation, for a state school anyway. a lot of people went there-- my english teacher, my mother's coworker.
sigh. it was nice when i visited-- though by then i'd already accepted.
of course, it's only nice in the summer. gah. hell. hell. HELL. i love it though, since it's not nyc *manic grin*

funny how no one asked my cup-size :D

[lasultrix.livejournal.com]

YOU DO SCIENCE???

Okay, now I'm shocked. That was definitely something unexpected.
Though in American universities, you can take a variety of courses that have nothing to do with your major. Which explains the references to literature classes you've made.

I'm just maths, maths, all the time. *sigh*

An old friend of mine goes to Syracuse, and loves it. I adore New York state.
*laughs* Ever heard Dar Williams' song Southern California Wants to be Western New York (http://www.limitless.org/~del/dar/mortalcity/southerncaliforniawantstobewesternnewyork.html)? It occurs to me you'd appreciate the lyrics.

I'm such an Americana junkie it hurts. I ran into five busloads of American high school kids yesterday, in town, they were over to do something in the Paddy's Day parade, and I asked one of them why they were here because I was curious, and he was shocked that I'd been through Delaware on the train. I said "Where are you all from?" and he said "Delaware. United States", because he didn't think I would know where Delaware was, which I found rather endearing. Then again, well, Delaware. (see? I even make jokes about Delaware. Actually, a lot of Irish people wouldn't have heard of Delaware.) He said it in this cute clipped American accent that sounds so cheerfully military, as if he was about to salute nervously and call me 'ma'am'. Then another kid asked me the time in Spanish (I didn't understand, and he pointed at his wrist. I only realised it was Spanish because he said 'Gracias' when I told him. Weird. I mean, I have to assume English is his first language. And it was perfectly obvious that I didn't speak Spanish.

Sigh. I miss America. It's so fucking beautiful. You have space to have trees.

I hope the kids of DuPont High School, Delaware, enjoy Dublin. I hope their teachers let them have a Guinness, though that's probably out of the question. American kids lead such a narrow life it's frightening. This will be very good for them.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

well... i dunno if i "do" science. i used to want to be a scientist in high school... at this point i'm all over the place. but yes, i am very interested in science and for a long time considered it the One Worthwhile Thing to do. i know it seems weird, since i'm so...artsy? but... i'm sort of a naturalist and a philosopher, so biology is easy and physics is interesting and chemistry is hard but rewarding~:)

at this point, i'm most likely to be a research psychologist / philosopher / writer / professor who pretends they have a job ^^;

but yah... you don't have to take all-major-centric classes-- in fact, in binghamton you have outside-your-major requirements. it's a balance of requirements since it's a "liberal arts" degree, and stuff.
hee! i love dar williams~:) my first best friend in college introduced me to her. and wah, i have all sorts of adoration and mystique about ireland and england and would nearly sell my soul to spends unholy amounts of time there. you know, when more than half your fiction is set either in space or in england, i think you get... a certain taste for it ^^
also, everyone knows faery is there, not here. sigh.

here we have werewolves and shamans and ghosts in the bayou, and such. it -is- pretty though. big, and pretty and old in a different way. the grass is always greener, and so on. but, you know. american rustic isn't so cool when there's no escape. and i'm v. jealous of those kids ^^