~~the importance of being earnest :>
Mar. 15th, 2003 08:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkahee. giggling at lasair's post, and trying to think of vaguely shocking things that no one would really think are true about myself. can't think of anything. i'm sure plenty of people have misconceptions about me, but i can't imagine what they are. i mean, first of all, i don't perpetuate them on purpose-- i may withold information i consider boring or embarrassing, but i don't really edit myself. i've been told you can't tell who i am from this journal. i suppose it's true, hopefully-- that my opinions on hp fandom don't define me-- even though mostly, i just use fandom as a starting off point to babble about life, the universe, and everything.
what people think about me is a subject i'm admittedly pretty interested in, since usually people tell me things like, "oh, you're smart", or "sweet" or "quiet" or "wow, you can write" or "you're being weird again" or "you're just loony" (those are the people who like me-- if they don't feel like being nice, they just call me crazy). is that my big secret? i'm actually not as rational/normal as i appear? not that i appear normal. i hope.
i've been called shallow once and ditzy (shallow by implication) once. i do wonder if people think i'm boring and lame and offensive (that'd be weird, but), and just don't tell me. people are liable to keep things to themselves, and stuff. when i was in junior high,and especially elementary, i could tell enough people thought i was lame, "different", kind of a joke. very few people noticed me, but out of those that did, either they liked me or were boggled by me. on the other hand, they only knew me casually, so i suppose being "nice" and "smart" was all they knew, so it's not surprising they liked whatever it was they thought was me.
i tend to ignore people's opinions and yet i crave to know them. it doesn't occur to me to misrepresent myself, and i wonder why people do. the only reason i don't use my full "real name" is because i don't like it much (my last name is especially ugly), and because i have issues with names-- i got -given- a name, and it labels me as part of my family and my nationality, and i don't feel comfortable being those things-- russian, jewish, immigrant. there, are those secrets? i could tell you my opinion on everything, i could easily talk about my loves and hates and passions, my taste in things and my knowledge of things-- but just saying "i was born in russia" makes me vaguely ill.
it's not because i want people online not to know it. you're just people to me, not "people online". i don't make that differentiation, i don't assume you're hiding something, that you're an actor playing a part, that you're not "real". i hate when anyone thinks -i'm- not real, in any capacity, so i wouldn't insult someone by challenging their reality. that's a great insult, really. I Am Real is paramount to me, to be able to say, to believe. how could i bear to take away from that? on the other hand, limiting myself to only talking about my opinions on fanfic limits my reality, kind of, i suppose.
i'm not always sincere. sometimes i'm sarcastic, and sometimes i'm talking out of my ass. that's normal, though. sometimes i think i'm -too- sincere, and people think i'm a dork. people like to think they leave highschool behind when they graduate, but i don't see it. i see highschool everywhere. if i'm still in it, kind of, it's because the world is acting like a bunch of lame 15-year-olds, too. playing games of popularity and cliques and sex-obsession and appearances and casual cruelty. i didn't talk much-- okay, at all-- in high school. strangely, people didn't seem to think i was the next unibomber, and rather liked me, the ones that said anything, anyway.
that's why fandom bothers me, that feeling of it being a clique within a clique within a clique. because i admire people here, unlike in high school, where 95% of everyone was a moron. here, i admire and i want to be their friend, but i still don't know how. i still see the people i admire be in cliques, in established mini-fandoms. this happens everywhere, of course-- in college, most definitely. i used to resent the computer geek clique-slash-dorm-floor-- the fact that it was a clique, and i wanted in. i hate wanting in, because i spent most of my life wanting out. in my school, all the koreans stick together and all the black new yorkers stick together and all the indians stick together and a lot of the art-theatre-anime-etc geeks stick together. i just sit near them, listening to them, and they ignore me. in fandom, i don't get ignored as much, probably because i actually say something instead of just stalking people~:) instead of social skills, i get by with merely my inability to stop talking to myself.
so i won't make a quiz, but if you want to ask a question, go ahead. i've been known to give out my cup-size to total strangers online, so nothing is too much, really. i mean, the idea of someone stalking me is ridiculous. well, first they'd have to care, which is just so not happening, since the people i tend to attract are usually really antisocial geeky types who are even worse at going outside their room than i am. or maybe i'm just bitter~:)
so yah, i don't think there's anything shocking about me. how sad. or maybe i think i'm more transparent than i am.
would it be shocking if i said,
i sometimes vaguely dislike people for no apparent reason, but friend them just because they friended me and are well-known in my little corner of fandom.
or,
i secretly want to be very popular and would write plebey fic with ak-shon and cocks and love potions and melodrama if i thought it'd get me 700 comments and undying fangirls-- if only i didn't know that'd make me sick, so i guess i don't want it after all.
or,
i'm really antisocial (shock?)
or,
i'm a comment whore and wish i had more, more, more.
or,
i actually can't stand the harry potter books, still, just like i used to before i was in the fandom. though i adore draco and have a soft spot for harry.
ahahah. well, see, everyone knows these things.
ack, i'd have the "ask me a question" thing except that's so... egotistic, and i don't think anyone wants to know anything, really.
all the things i don't say, usually it's because they don't seem important or their opposite is true too. see, this is what happens when you don't leave anything out on purpose. you don't know what you left out, so you feel like you've included everything, except people may get an entirely wrong impression anyway, and no one would be the wiser.
i used to like beverly hills, 90210. of course, i don't think it's contradictory to my current personality, personally, but it may shock other people, right? i don't like the concept of being a "fan", and try not to be (no secret). i hate lettuce. i am really shallow, and stare at girl's boobs a lot and am happy because they'd never suspect me. i hold grudges and find it hard to not take things personally. i'm quite strident about some issues that would probably offend people (abortion, creationism, women's rights, gay rights, my raging hatred for stupidity, some conservativism, narrow-minded people, anti-science people and so on...)
wah. lost the plot. and oh yah, fangirls (my -own- fangirls) freak me out. i think there are few things as uniquely scary as people who squee over me writing het kissage (awww, ron/hermione, write moooore!). i like keanu reeves and think people are too up-tight about his lack of acting skills. i somewhat look down on people who only like the "popular" fantasy authors. i've given up on thinking that if you like neil gaiman you must be more intelligent/interesting because i've been proven wrong so many times. i still worship neil, though. neil is god (except i don't love stardust, don't feel like reading `american gods', can't get up enough interest to read neverwhere, and love the books of magic series more than his mini-series.) so yah, neil is god, but i don't worship him very well.
oh yah, and i don't find terry pratchett laugh out loud funny, or `good omens' for that matter. i mean, it makes me smile, but it's not hilarious or anything. had more fun reading `tickle me pink'. possibly, durendal is funnier than terry pratchett, but i don't know. he is cute, though. not my thing. piers anthony sucks really badly. so does mercedes lackey (and yes, read her anyway-- both of them-- they suck, i'm just masochistic, obviously). anne rice does nothing for me. i like really lame shoujo anime, and tolerate things in it would throw up at in fanfic. i'm such a fantasy book snob. i am. but only because the popular authors really suck (gar, not another 10-book series about questing dwarves and swordfighting).
can't get myself to read tolkien's epic, it's so dry. wah, i'd fall asleep. adore some of his short stories and essays-- i don't know where his writing skills went, with the epic. of course, last time i tried to read it, i was 13. still can't get myself to read draco dormiens and draco sinister because i'm afraid of het (am not proud). for all my talk, i'm really just a dork, obviously.
what people think about me is a subject i'm admittedly pretty interested in, since usually people tell me things like, "oh, you're smart", or "sweet" or "quiet" or "wow, you can write" or "you're being weird again" or "you're just loony" (those are the people who like me-- if they don't feel like being nice, they just call me crazy). is that my big secret? i'm actually not as rational/normal as i appear? not that i appear normal. i hope.
i've been called shallow once and ditzy (shallow by implication) once. i do wonder if people think i'm boring and lame and offensive (that'd be weird, but), and just don't tell me. people are liable to keep things to themselves, and stuff. when i was in junior high,and especially elementary, i could tell enough people thought i was lame, "different", kind of a joke. very few people noticed me, but out of those that did, either they liked me or were boggled by me. on the other hand, they only knew me casually, so i suppose being "nice" and "smart" was all they knew, so it's not surprising they liked whatever it was they thought was me.
i tend to ignore people's opinions and yet i crave to know them. it doesn't occur to me to misrepresent myself, and i wonder why people do. the only reason i don't use my full "real name" is because i don't like it much (my last name is especially ugly), and because i have issues with names-- i got -given- a name, and it labels me as part of my family and my nationality, and i don't feel comfortable being those things-- russian, jewish, immigrant. there, are those secrets? i could tell you my opinion on everything, i could easily talk about my loves and hates and passions, my taste in things and my knowledge of things-- but just saying "i was born in russia" makes me vaguely ill.
it's not because i want people online not to know it. you're just people to me, not "people online". i don't make that differentiation, i don't assume you're hiding something, that you're an actor playing a part, that you're not "real". i hate when anyone thinks -i'm- not real, in any capacity, so i wouldn't insult someone by challenging their reality. that's a great insult, really. I Am Real is paramount to me, to be able to say, to believe. how could i bear to take away from that? on the other hand, limiting myself to only talking about my opinions on fanfic limits my reality, kind of, i suppose.
i'm not always sincere. sometimes i'm sarcastic, and sometimes i'm talking out of my ass. that's normal, though. sometimes i think i'm -too- sincere, and people think i'm a dork. people like to think they leave highschool behind when they graduate, but i don't see it. i see highschool everywhere. if i'm still in it, kind of, it's because the world is acting like a bunch of lame 15-year-olds, too. playing games of popularity and cliques and sex-obsession and appearances and casual cruelty. i didn't talk much-- okay, at all-- in high school. strangely, people didn't seem to think i was the next unibomber, and rather liked me, the ones that said anything, anyway.
that's why fandom bothers me, that feeling of it being a clique within a clique within a clique. because i admire people here, unlike in high school, where 95% of everyone was a moron. here, i admire and i want to be their friend, but i still don't know how. i still see the people i admire be in cliques, in established mini-fandoms. this happens everywhere, of course-- in college, most definitely. i used to resent the computer geek clique-slash-dorm-floor-- the fact that it was a clique, and i wanted in. i hate wanting in, because i spent most of my life wanting out. in my school, all the koreans stick together and all the black new yorkers stick together and all the indians stick together and a lot of the art-theatre-anime-etc geeks stick together. i just sit near them, listening to them, and they ignore me. in fandom, i don't get ignored as much, probably because i actually say something instead of just stalking people~:) instead of social skills, i get by with merely my inability to stop talking to myself.
so i won't make a quiz, but if you want to ask a question, go ahead. i've been known to give out my cup-size to total strangers online, so nothing is too much, really. i mean, the idea of someone stalking me is ridiculous. well, first they'd have to care, which is just so not happening, since the people i tend to attract are usually really antisocial geeky types who are even worse at going outside their room than i am. or maybe i'm just bitter~:)
so yah, i don't think there's anything shocking about me. how sad. or maybe i think i'm more transparent than i am.
would it be shocking if i said,
i sometimes vaguely dislike people for no apparent reason, but friend them just because they friended me and are well-known in my little corner of fandom.
or,
i secretly want to be very popular and would write plebey fic with ak-shon and cocks and love potions and melodrama if i thought it'd get me 700 comments and undying fangirls-- if only i didn't know that'd make me sick, so i guess i don't want it after all.
or,
i'm really antisocial (shock?)
or,
i'm a comment whore and wish i had more, more, more.
or,
i actually can't stand the harry potter books, still, just like i used to before i was in the fandom. though i adore draco and have a soft spot for harry.
ahahah. well, see, everyone knows these things.
ack, i'd have the "ask me a question" thing except that's so... egotistic, and i don't think anyone wants to know anything, really.
all the things i don't say, usually it's because they don't seem important or their opposite is true too. see, this is what happens when you don't leave anything out on purpose. you don't know what you left out, so you feel like you've included everything, except people may get an entirely wrong impression anyway, and no one would be the wiser.
i used to like beverly hills, 90210. of course, i don't think it's contradictory to my current personality, personally, but it may shock other people, right? i don't like the concept of being a "fan", and try not to be (no secret). i hate lettuce. i am really shallow, and stare at girl's boobs a lot and am happy because they'd never suspect me. i hold grudges and find it hard to not take things personally. i'm quite strident about some issues that would probably offend people (abortion, creationism, women's rights, gay rights, my raging hatred for stupidity, some conservativism, narrow-minded people, anti-science people and so on...)
wah. lost the plot. and oh yah, fangirls (my -own- fangirls) freak me out. i think there are few things as uniquely scary as people who squee over me writing het kissage (awww, ron/hermione, write moooore!). i like keanu reeves and think people are too up-tight about his lack of acting skills. i somewhat look down on people who only like the "popular" fantasy authors. i've given up on thinking that if you like neil gaiman you must be more intelligent/interesting because i've been proven wrong so many times. i still worship neil, though. neil is god (except i don't love stardust, don't feel like reading `american gods', can't get up enough interest to read neverwhere, and love the books of magic series more than his mini-series.) so yah, neil is god, but i don't worship him very well.
oh yah, and i don't find terry pratchett laugh out loud funny, or `good omens' for that matter. i mean, it makes me smile, but it's not hilarious or anything. had more fun reading `tickle me pink'. possibly, durendal is funnier than terry pratchett, but i don't know. he is cute, though. not my thing. piers anthony sucks really badly. so does mercedes lackey (and yes, read her anyway-- both of them-- they suck, i'm just masochistic, obviously). anne rice does nothing for me. i like really lame shoujo anime, and tolerate things in it would throw up at in fanfic. i'm such a fantasy book snob. i am. but only because the popular authors really suck (gar, not another 10-book series about questing dwarves and swordfighting).
can't get myself to read tolkien's epic, it's so dry. wah, i'd fall asleep. adore some of his short stories and essays-- i don't know where his writing skills went, with the epic. of course, last time i tried to read it, i was 13. still can't get myself to read draco dormiens and draco sinister because i'm afraid of het (am not proud). for all my talk, i'm really just a dork, obviously.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-03-15 06:32 pm (UTC)question for you: how it is that you can always write such substantive posts? i usually feel like my brain would explode if i tried to write about something real and important in more than, oh, one in ten entries.
ooh, another question, quite evil: why slash?
bwa, masochism.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-15 07:47 pm (UTC)so really, i write so that my brain -doesn't- explode, see? ^^
why slash....
well. i don't usually read slash the -sake- of slash. but i think the general answers all apply to me.
i like the novelty of men being emotional, sensitive, of being able to identify with them, of understanding them and stuff. i like dissociating from my self, from the female vantage point. i like male friendships and female friendships, and i like stepping away from the cliches that riddle m/f interaction. i'm really curious about male psychology, and the more androgynous and softer sides of it.
i always liked smarm-- male friendship stories. there's just that bond there-- platonic, loyal, selfless, usually. it's the sort of relationship i like in m/f too, but it doesn't happen as much (ie, mulder/scully is a rare deal). i like relationships of equals, i suppose.
i suppose at some point it occurred to me that two guys together are hot. hmm. dunno how -that- happened. sort of a revelation, though i think i can see signs of always liking it, just the perversity and the way i like people together who claim they don't want to be, in het, too.
like, the way it's supposedly unnatural, and yet the passion is too much and it has to happen. it's more romantic, being forbidden, kind of.
it allows me to enjoy love stories without playing on my own insecurities and desires in any direct way, so i feel more uninhibited, and i don't go, "oh, i want that". it's usually written slightly more uniquely/well, though not in any general way.
i think it's the perverted romantic in me, really ~:)