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reenka3am magazine doesn't impress me. i mean, i realize, they think they're big-shots and i'm supposed to be dying to be good enough to be published there, but i'm not. i'm not dying, and i don't even care if i'm good enough. this sort of attitude ensures i never get published, my mother would tell me. don't think of whether you're ready, just think-- go. don't even think.
i don't want to be some stuffy hip cool dude writer with something to say. i mean fandom-- feels like family. feels fun. obsessively, maybe unhealthily, but not bad for my self-esteem, mostly. i want to be a writer, but i don't want to be one of "those people". those people who write about things i never want to read about. why do they write? nothing seemed remotely interesting. realistic "mainstream" writing is so boring i could cry. cry.
this isn't like that. i'm not entirely lost in the fringes of fanfic to the point where "normal" stories seem gross and overly pretentious. there's just something about writing about random things about people i don't know or care about that doesn't appeal to me. it has to have some sort of innate -magic-, some sort of thematic elegance, some sort of beauty of language or depth of scope and vision.
if it's just about someone's problems at a party one night, or someone's unhappy marriage, or someone else's addiction to cheese-- i just don't want to see it. i really wonder how such dead boring people are even writers. i mean, i think i take too much pride in the very -idea- of being an artist. it's not so much that we're the elite-- it's just that the street-sweepers and the paper-pushers and the gossip-mongers and the meat-cleavers and the divorce lawyers... it's just that they're mostly the living dead.
but of course, no generalization is good for anything much, and writers are just as stupid as the next person. and just as boring. and so on. *sigh*
i think -that- is my problem with `real person slash'. real people are dead boring. actors are dead boring. most of them, anyway. even really bi actors are... well... not uncommon. (*gasp*! *shock*! oh god, is it true??! yes, it's true! actors aren't actually all straight! the... shock. it's overwhelming.)
actors have a reputation, even, for being more openly emotional and sexually active than your average person, don't they. sort of like writers have a reputation for being more intelligent and interesting. or maybe that's just me.
in the end, i could get over my squick with anything, it's just that i find so many things less than fascinating. i mean, actors and their lives-- they're fascinating. -if- they're a special sort of actor. like say, i'm kind of interested in what goes on in johnny depp's head. tom cruise-- not so much. do i want to read about their affairs and secret passions in a fictionalized context? well. no. i mean, gossip is one thing, and actually creating the scenario and getting lost in it and having it be all vivid and in your head....
it's kind of really meta, isn't it? in one's mind, it's the actor and yet it isn't-- it's the object of one's fantasy. and yet, if it was -real-, if indeed it was public knowledge that this person -was- doing this, it would be off-limits, i imagine. i -have- read `nsync rps and some lotr slash, even dan/tom slash once or twice, and while it didn't capture my imagination, it could be done well, just like everything else, of course. it's just-- i can't really pretend it has all the depth i'd want from a potential story. these are just actors. just how interesting are they? what's their deep archetypal significance? what's their personal Quest? what's the anguish, their need, their failure?
perhaps it's that these mainstream things seem to think on such a miniscule scale, just like mainstream society itself, that turns me off them. ah yes. back to the largesse of my silly fantasy slash fics. like franzi's `SPEW 2: Revenge of Spew'. *happy sigh*
~~
i must remind myself that just because it's a photo doesn't mean much more than if it was a sketch. yes. because they aren't real. but, who cares! this knocks me flat. wah. they've perfected the `i'm going to kick his ass and then some' look considerably since this photo, at which point they were merely playing. oh yes. *is dead*
i don't want to be some stuffy hip cool dude writer with something to say. i mean fandom-- feels like family. feels fun. obsessively, maybe unhealthily, but not bad for my self-esteem, mostly. i want to be a writer, but i don't want to be one of "those people". those people who write about things i never want to read about. why do they write? nothing seemed remotely interesting. realistic "mainstream" writing is so boring i could cry. cry.
this isn't like that. i'm not entirely lost in the fringes of fanfic to the point where "normal" stories seem gross and overly pretentious. there's just something about writing about random things about people i don't know or care about that doesn't appeal to me. it has to have some sort of innate -magic-, some sort of thematic elegance, some sort of beauty of language or depth of scope and vision.
if it's just about someone's problems at a party one night, or someone's unhappy marriage, or someone else's addiction to cheese-- i just don't want to see it. i really wonder how such dead boring people are even writers. i mean, i think i take too much pride in the very -idea- of being an artist. it's not so much that we're the elite-- it's just that the street-sweepers and the paper-pushers and the gossip-mongers and the meat-cleavers and the divorce lawyers... it's just that they're mostly the living dead.
but of course, no generalization is good for anything much, and writers are just as stupid as the next person. and just as boring. and so on. *sigh*
i think -that- is my problem with `real person slash'. real people are dead boring. actors are dead boring. most of them, anyway. even really bi actors are... well... not uncommon. (*gasp*! *shock*! oh god, is it true??! yes, it's true! actors aren't actually all straight! the... shock. it's overwhelming.)
actors have a reputation, even, for being more openly emotional and sexually active than your average person, don't they. sort of like writers have a reputation for being more intelligent and interesting. or maybe that's just me.
in the end, i could get over my squick with anything, it's just that i find so many things less than fascinating. i mean, actors and their lives-- they're fascinating. -if- they're a special sort of actor. like say, i'm kind of interested in what goes on in johnny depp's head. tom cruise-- not so much. do i want to read about their affairs and secret passions in a fictionalized context? well. no. i mean, gossip is one thing, and actually creating the scenario and getting lost in it and having it be all vivid and in your head....
it's kind of really meta, isn't it? in one's mind, it's the actor and yet it isn't-- it's the object of one's fantasy. and yet, if it was -real-, if indeed it was public knowledge that this person -was- doing this, it would be off-limits, i imagine. i -have- read `nsync rps and some lotr slash, even dan/tom slash once or twice, and while it didn't capture my imagination, it could be done well, just like everything else, of course. it's just-- i can't really pretend it has all the depth i'd want from a potential story. these are just actors. just how interesting are they? what's their deep archetypal significance? what's their personal Quest? what's the anguish, their need, their failure?
perhaps it's that these mainstream things seem to think on such a miniscule scale, just like mainstream society itself, that turns me off them. ah yes. back to the largesse of my silly fantasy slash fics. like franzi's `SPEW 2: Revenge of Spew'. *happy sigh*
~~
i must remind myself that just because it's a photo doesn't mean much more than if it was a sketch. yes. because they aren't real. but, who cares! this knocks me flat. wah. they've perfected the `i'm going to kick his ass and then some' look considerably since this photo, at which point they were merely playing. oh yes. *is dead*
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no subject
Date: 2003-01-11 04:33 pm (UTC)i mean, people think those big brother on a deserted island shows are the most fun things ever. people watch miss america pageants. people listen to other people who would put me personally to sleep, possibly for years at a time.
so yes. there is -obviously- mass appeal to these things...actors...performers... what have you.
-i- don't feel it, but then-- yes. i'm not exactly average.
i personally am kind of a pop culture nut, actually. i love reading about actors and musicians, and watching specials and the whole sturm and drang of it appeals to me.
but, this doesn't equal wanting to -slash- any of them, y'know? i can find them plenty interesting and even so, i wouldn't feel i want to imagine them naked and going at it with each other. i mean. i find my -friends- interesting, and yet i don't want to picture them naked except as an amusing sort of thought.
being that deeply attracted to people, i need to feel something... extra. beyond, even identification. that is -weird- for me, to feel that towards an actor. i mean... who am i feeling it towards, again? the actor or my fantasy? this becomes a strange conundrum. if i find the -actor- so bloody fascinating, i wouldn't want to mess with it that much, because it's the reality of him i find so interesting. my fantasy wouldn't be as interesting as the interviews and the movies he's in.
and then there's people saying that they aren't "people" but rather characters to them. in that case, it's not even -important- that the people are supposedly so fascinating, and so on.
but anyway. i'm not -against- rps. it doesn't do it for me in that passionate way that i need in order to get into something. i may be interested in these poppy things, but that doesn't mean i feel inspired and amazed or anything. plus my brain sort of fries trying to split the character-persona and the actual person and then imagining which of them i wanna see naked with his lips around another man's penis or whatever ^^ heh
plus, there's a lingering distaste for stupid bubblegum entertainment, even though i buy into it to an extent. i take music and movies seriously as artforms, so it bothers me that they're taking over the world with the bubblegum.
but yes, mostly it's just my personal bias. i mean, wizard=hot and that's all there is to it ;)
~reena
no subject
Date: 2003-01-11 04:49 pm (UTC)and drang of it appeals to me. but, this doesn't equal wanting to -slash- any of them, y'know?
Again, I can only speak for boyband slash. But. I think it's kind of the idea... you [as in many people, not necessarily reenka. ;) ] adore the people SO MUCH that you can't see how they couldn't adore each other. hehehe.
And, like, when you see people having such deep, meaningful friendships... often you want to see them blend this into romance. Because love the comes out of deep friendship is the most healthy, long lasting, full-filling kind.
And, honestly, the affection between the guys of NSYNC has touched me deeply at times. Dude, they -- as guys -- actually say, "Love you" on the phone to each other. That just. It gets me, man. hehehe.
And really, it's NOT the "reality" of the famous person. It's the concept of them. The image they put out, the storyline of their personal lives that they tell for the public. Just as Draco and Harry are fascinating as archetypes.
So. Not saying that you have to agree, or find it personally appealing. Just trying to explain where this interest comes from when it comes to other people. :)