gah. hate. hate. HATE angelic-sex-god!malfoy. die, fanon!draco, DIE!! DIE!!

[reenka]

reading stupid post-hogwarts fics is just bad for my health. it's just... bad. very bad.

okay, was skimming this on a rec, should've known better when draco got married and had adorable kids (hello, hufflepuff!malfoy), but:

In his school days, Harry had toyed briefly with the idea of seducing Draco Malfoy. At the time, he had no idea what seduction involved. Older and wiser, the thought of fumbling his way through an attempted seduction of the suave, cool, beautiful man Draco had become was enough to make Harry queasy. No, he'd be making no such stupid mistake.

*weeps*
no. just. no.
i now swear that i will simply not read any more serious fic that describes malfoy as cool, suave, beautiful, gorgeous, angelic, cherubic, amazingly talented, aloof and alluring (ul excepted). how do these people even... i just have no words. and this isn't about making him pretty. -i've- made his hair shine and given him plenty of pretty smirks. it's not about that. just. harry looking at malfoy-the-sex-god and going, "oh, i'm not worthy" is just.... gah.

what is it with this desire to write about a malfoy who is even more smooth and heroically wonderful than harry ever was?? what is it with making characters painfully perfect? why god, why??!??!

what is this lust for perfection, and why is this angelic perfection having to be created out of narrow-minded hysterical vindictive little gits? why not write about young dumbledore?!? he was probably nearly perfect when he was 31, and you know what, he must've been gorgeous, too. why the hell not? i bet he was a sex-god! i bet he was cool and alluring and angelic!!

of course, this usually involves angelic!harry as well. do people write angelic!ron, too? i bet they do. evil, evil people! gah! hate! *incoherent wailing and tearing of hair*

i can't write about perfection if i tried. no, seriously. i just naturally mock it. the -minds-, the frightening -minds- behind this make me -shudder-. shudder! they go and force these flawed, sad angry characters into these perfect little boxes, like cinderella's step-sisters trying to fit their ugly feet into a pretty, perfect crystal shoe. imagine it! cinderella!draco!! this is what they're all writing!! that, or cinderella!harry and prince-charming!draco. how evil is that??! evil and very, very wrong!

slytherlynx wanted me to be open with what i hate in fic, hehehe. well, i HATE THIS FIC. gar! die, prince charming, die.
    EDIT - oh, and did i mention i hate fics where the "man" (the top, usually) is "strong" and resists sexual temptation and "baser instincts" because it's "wrong" or "emotionally dangerous"??! it's like i've been thrust into a harlequin without my permission, and now i'm being taught how to behave properly on a date and with one's children. you love your children and are nice to them, and if you don't, you get divorced. you are gentlemanly and chaste with your date, and you don't rush into things. you dress nicely for your encounters, and remember to wear fresh boxers. did i mention how i dislike being vicariously lectured about clean boxers? and lectured in general?? because, yes.

Comments

[spare-change.livejournal.com]

*laughs hysterically*

I love you.

And I tried to read that fic, too, and suffered through many a chapter, but it was when they both started leering at each other in the waiting room of DRACO'S SON'S PSYCHOTHERAPIST that I gave up.

[pink-faerie.livejournal.com]

Oh, Reena. You are a sensitive soul. I should reconsider sending you a box of lusty novels with men like Nicko Monte taking girls on summer adventures in his sparkling red ferrari.

The plebes have taken over.

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

WORD. That's the kind of stuff that makes me wonder what book THEY were reading.

[ishuca.livejournal.com]

i read half of the first chapter before bailing ship. i'm impressed you got farther.

however, it sounds like i made the right decision... le sigh. (though you are too cute when you get up into arms about fic, you know).

and will be emailing you soon... must have more avocado dip right now, though. mmmm.... avocado.

:schnoogles:

[sarahtales.livejournal.com]

I AM GUILTY!!!!!!
But I agree with you.
Still, guilty. Of course I can excuse it to *myself*... but dude, am convicted by masses.
save me from stoning.
I promised never, ever to call Draco angelic or cherubic or anything like that. ever. EVER.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Ah, but you know what makes UL work? That while UL!Draco is georgeous he's also still basically a complete kook. You can easily see UL!Draco not being suave or sophisticated. It's like yeah, he can't help that he's got this georgeous body--and given that he's supposed to be an aristocrat he *should* know which fork to use and be able to master social situations once he grows up--but he's not Mr. Cool. He's still Mr. WHY DOESN'T THE WORLD WORK THE WAY I WANT? And MY DADDY IS THE BEST AND DON'T TELL ME DIFFERENT NYAAH NYAAH I'M NOT LISTENING! And WAH! HURT! MUST REGRESS TO ANGRY INFANT NOW! So that's why we can love him. UL! Draco is pretty irresistable, but it's not because he's perfect.

I laughed many times in this fic at some of the ideas. I mean, first Draco's simply dropped every single thing that was important to him throughout canon and become Mr. Reasonable. Even a bad marriage doesn't ruffle his feathers. One of the first things this kid says in canon is that he'd leave Hogwarts if he got sorted into Hufflepuff and now he's all, "Oh, where do my children with silly names I would probably never give them get their house rivalries?" Plus Hogwarts has changed too, so Malfoys and Weasleys are friends.

Then there's the whole psychiatrist thing. Okay, I admit there are times I've thought Draco could use a child therapist because he's kind of a freak but I don't actually want him to get one! So what is with the suicidal 12-year-old? It's like Draco's suddenly in one of those family dramas on CBS.

I was completely confused when Draco put the brakes on the sex actually. He really did suddenly sound like a girl in a sex ed video or something. And Harry ever thinking he's unworthy of Malfoy is...well, I'll be diplomatic and say it's problematic. Because I think yeah, you can have fun with a Harry who secretly envies Malfoy's upbringing in certain ways. But this drives Harry crazy because he thinks Malfoy himself is the lowest of the low. "Unworthy" is not a word Harry would probably ever use with regards to his feelings about Malfoy.

But then Harry himself has lost most of what makes him tick. He too is patient and reasonable. The kind of teacher who befriends the Malfoy kid and is patiently willing to see a therapist once a week to deal with his problems which he doesn't blame on anyone, btw. No bitterness here.

Um, yeah, I don't get the perfection thing either. What do you even do with characters like that? It reminds of of the MST3K short "A Date with your Family" that's all about you should behave at the dinner table. At one point they're all chatting and Tom Servo says, "A violent argument erupts over who's day was more pleasant." That's what's basically happening here.

[rubydebrazier.livejournal.com]

"why not write about young dumbledore?!? he was probably nearly perfect when he was 31, and you know what, he must've been gorgeous, too. why the hell not? i bet he was a sex-god! i bet he was cool and alluring and angelic!!"

YOU ARE SO RIGHT!