Before I say anything about the fic, am I the only one who thinks that when just_harry says "Then we had Care of Magical Creatures and Professor Lupin was away so Professor Sinistra was teaching, and we weren't allowed to talk alot, so I didn't disrupt class or anything. It was okay, but I don't think Professor Sinistra was really happy about doing it so she was kind of annoyed with us, I guess because it was Gryffindor and Slytherin and probably no one likes teaching that." The "that" he is referring to is one particular person? *g* I don't know, this is only the second time I've visited Nocturne Alley so I have no idea what's going on, but it just seems like it might be. *grins*
Anyway.
My first language is not English, so some things you'll just have to forgive me, but I'll try my best :) The story itself is very nice -- the events seem like they could indeed happen.
The main problem I have with this story is repetition. (And with that scary beginning... ^_^;;) Examples:
"they smirked at him, and they sneered, and they never smiled" "but he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't stop a lot of things." "Remember Malfoy? He was a git, wasn't he? Remember that time..." "The darkness would find him, no matter where he went, the darkness would find him." (I really like this line, btw :)
But anyway, I can give you more examples. Alone and by themselves they're perfectly good sentences, but one on top of the other they begin to sound too repetitive, imho. Here's more: "he was still crying, still hiding it, still clinging to corners" "there was nothing solid, nothing to hold onto, nothing to stop him from falling"
There might be more. And the most repetitive of all:
Now I understand perfectly well what you're trying to accomplish with that sentence structure, but I don't think you need nearly as much of this stylistic device as you've used. A basic change in the order of words, a few odd adjectives could help make this into a more flowing piece, instead of...what reads like a list. You know how sometimes in textbooks there's a lot of repetition phrase, after phrase, after phrase, in order to get us to memorize something? This is fine, but I think you want the reader to take note of the emotion/mood/whatever, but not pause. A lot of repetition makes readers stop to consider the statement more thoroughly (or at least it does me) breaking the general flow. As for the repetition in the dialogue, I really think it must be sparingly used. In fact, the best advice I've ever read concerning dialogue would be to read it out loud to yourself, like you want it to sound. Is Harry breathless? Is he crying? Is he stuttering over words because he's flustered? Write it down! :) Maybe some description would be good, because right now it's up to me to imagine why exactly he's incoherent ('the feitnt' is too general) and that...once again makes me pause and think about it for a moment, instead of smoothly moving on to the next sentence.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say? *sheepish* I'm awfully afraid of overstepping my bounds, because I know stories are like author's babies, and it can hurt. I don't do critique often, but I'm honestly interested in this fic :)
Only one more bit I'll say on this: ["Hey, Harry, sorry I mentioned it, okay? Stay. We were just about to roast some marshmallows...." "See, that was fun, wasn't it?" Ron said, when they were all laughing manically from all the sugar. His face was strange when it was twisted in this uncharacteristic mask of concern, almost like it wasn't Ron at all.] There's a bit of skipping from one scene to the next. First Harry is about to leave, but he sits down. Then they're laughing maniacally. Then Ron is concerned. I think it needs at least one sentence in between these events to tie them together. One skip is good, but in these three sentences you go through 3 very different moods quite rapidly. It just feels incomplete.
....LJ doesn't let me post the whole thing. It's too long. Continued in the next post...the best part ;)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
Erm yeah. Constructive. We hope. (part 1)
Date: 2002-11-01 04:03 pm (UTC)Anyway.
My first language is not English, so some things you'll just have to forgive me, but I'll try my best :) The story itself is very nice -- the events seem like they could indeed happen.
The main problem I have with this story is repetition. (And with that scary beginning... ^_^;;) Examples:
"they smirked at him, and they sneered, and they never smiled"
"but he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't stop a lot of things."
"Remember Malfoy? He was a git, wasn't he? Remember that time..."
"The darkness would find him, no matter where he went, the darkness would find him." (I really like this line, btw :)
But anyway, I can give you more examples. Alone and by themselves they're perfectly good sentences, but one on top of the other they begin to sound too repetitive, imho. Here's more:
"he was still crying, still hiding it, still clinging to corners"
"there was nothing solid, nothing to hold onto, nothing to stop him from falling"
There might be more. And the most repetitive of all:
"You... no... no... no,"
"Why... why... why, Draco?"
Now I understand perfectly well what you're trying to accomplish with that sentence structure, but I don't think you need nearly as much of this stylistic device as you've used. A basic change in the order of words, a few odd adjectives could help make this into a more flowing piece, instead of...what reads like a list. You know how sometimes in textbooks there's a lot of repetition phrase, after phrase, after phrase, in order to get us to memorize something? This is fine, but I think you want the reader to take note of the emotion/mood/whatever, but not pause. A lot of repetition makes readers stop to consider the statement more thoroughly (or at least it does me) breaking the general flow.
As for the repetition in the dialogue, I really think it must be sparingly used. In fact, the best advice I've ever read concerning dialogue would be to read it out loud to yourself, like you want it to sound. Is Harry breathless? Is he crying? Is he stuttering over words because he's flustered? Write it down! :) Maybe some description would be good, because right now it's up to me to imagine why exactly he's incoherent ('the feitnt' is too general) and that...once again makes me pause and think about it for a moment, instead of smoothly moving on to the next sentence.
Do you understand what I'm trying to say? *sheepish*
I'm awfully afraid of overstepping my bounds, because I know stories are like author's babies, and it can hurt. I don't do critique often, but I'm honestly interested in this fic :)
Only one more bit I'll say on this:
["Hey, Harry, sorry I mentioned it, okay? Stay. We were just about to roast some marshmallows...."
"See, that was fun, wasn't it?" Ron said, when they were all laughing manically from all the sugar. His face was strange when it was twisted in this uncharacteristic mask of concern, almost like it wasn't Ron at all.]
There's a bit of skipping from one scene to the next. First Harry is about to leave, but he sits down. Then they're laughing maniacally. Then Ron is concerned. I think it needs at least one sentence in between these events to tie them together. One skip is good, but in these three sentences you go through 3 very different moods quite rapidly. It just feels incomplete.
....LJ doesn't let me post the whole thing. It's too long.
Continued in the next post...the best part ;)