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reenka::cries:: i really do come from a different universe. it looks so very different, and people's houses are all strange-looking in it, and people wear strange clothes, and... just everything seems different, and i can't believe i walk around and "blend in" so to speak, in semi-rural america, with that in my background. i was that person-- with the weird home decorating, and the scary-looking school uniform, and it was all intimately familiar in a way it really shouldn't be, but it is.
what i wouldn't give for russian roulette [the story] to sound as perfectly plausible to me as to the next person. (though let's hope that the next person isn't russian, heh). ah yes, ignorance is bliss. these photos just bring it all back. i looked like her, and i can't even believe it now-- but it's true. orphan annie, russian edition *chortle* ah well at least i can laugh at it. it's easy to forget who you are, or at least where you come from, online, sometimes. --and in real life, too. maybe that's a good thing-- or maybe that's just a weird thing. and it's not like anyone can really know the things i'm referencing, anyway (even if i did spell them out), unless they'd shared the same experiences. well unless i really spelled them out i guess-- then at least people would have a clue. but there's no point. it's just weird. the things i forget i am. i am, aren't i? if i grew up in moscow, this changes who i am, vs. who i'd be if i grew up in alabama, right?
i feel like i get a reading on people, online. i feel like i know where they're coming from, often enough. but usually i don't even know where they're from. i mean, ok, i know the words (australia, california, canada, england, etc etc)-- but they're just words, mostly. on the other hand, i think my writing is plenty enough to know me. sure, i don't know how my past fits into my writing, or if it shows up at all-- but it must. i can't help it, if i'm being honest, i imagine.
and when i said, i can't believe i was so much like that girl in the photo-- it's because i'm so far away, not, so close. i look at that, and i think-- i'm nothing like that. that was in my past but it's deeply, deeply unconscious now. it's funny that i come from that. like i said, it's like being from a different universe, and completely integrating into this one, but sometimes you just smirk and think, wow. i'm really not native, am i. weird, heh. and it's not like my family lived in moscow for hundreds of years either-- just about 50, two generations born, and just on my mother's mother's side, too. i like being rootless, in a way-- makes me able to imagine my roots wherever i feel them, wherever i want them-- i want them to be in the emerald isles, and so they are. but-- my own history isn't quite the same. it's actually there, and real, and i can't imagine it away-- though i've done a good job trying-- and that's weird.
it's funny. all the different hidden selves we contain. how they live alongside each other. it makes me smile, knowing there are these hidden depths to everyone i know (or kind of know). especially online, it's a weird sort of realization. all the different places we're coming from, just to end up at something resembling the same destination. having things in common is probably more special because of all the things we don't have in common (in the fandom, as writers, whatever).
self-definitions and self-perceptions are malleable of course, and i'm really not that girl in the photo-- even if the photo was of me, heh-- but that past is still there, either pushing us forward or weighing us down, or tormenting us, what have you. it makes us move. it makes us write. that's probably a good thing.
P.S. ~~ha, it's funny that song (`me and julio') was running through my head, writing this, since-- well-- considering what it's about. *laughs* hee my mind works in mysterious ways, sometimes. and oh man, but paul simon is a wacky, wacky guy.
what i wouldn't give for russian roulette [the story] to sound as perfectly plausible to me as to the next person. (though let's hope that the next person isn't russian, heh). ah yes, ignorance is bliss. these photos just bring it all back. i looked like her, and i can't even believe it now-- but it's true. orphan annie, russian edition *chortle* ah well at least i can laugh at it. it's easy to forget who you are, or at least where you come from, online, sometimes. --and in real life, too. maybe that's a good thing-- or maybe that's just a weird thing. and it's not like anyone can really know the things i'm referencing, anyway (even if i did spell them out), unless they'd shared the same experiences. well unless i really spelled them out i guess-- then at least people would have a clue. but there's no point. it's just weird. the things i forget i am. i am, aren't i? if i grew up in moscow, this changes who i am, vs. who i'd be if i grew up in alabama, right?
i feel like i get a reading on people, online. i feel like i know where they're coming from, often enough. but usually i don't even know where they're from. i mean, ok, i know the words (australia, california, canada, england, etc etc)-- but they're just words, mostly. on the other hand, i think my writing is plenty enough to know me. sure, i don't know how my past fits into my writing, or if it shows up at all-- but it must. i can't help it, if i'm being honest, i imagine.
and when i said, i can't believe i was so much like that girl in the photo-- it's because i'm so far away, not, so close. i look at that, and i think-- i'm nothing like that. that was in my past but it's deeply, deeply unconscious now. it's funny that i come from that. like i said, it's like being from a different universe, and completely integrating into this one, but sometimes you just smirk and think, wow. i'm really not native, am i. weird, heh. and it's not like my family lived in moscow for hundreds of years either-- just about 50, two generations born, and just on my mother's mother's side, too. i like being rootless, in a way-- makes me able to imagine my roots wherever i feel them, wherever i want them-- i want them to be in the emerald isles, and so they are. but-- my own history isn't quite the same. it's actually there, and real, and i can't imagine it away-- though i've done a good job trying-- and that's weird.
it's funny. all the different hidden selves we contain. how they live alongside each other. it makes me smile, knowing there are these hidden depths to everyone i know (or kind of know). especially online, it's a weird sort of realization. all the different places we're coming from, just to end up at something resembling the same destination. having things in common is probably more special because of all the things we don't have in common (in the fandom, as writers, whatever).
self-definitions and self-perceptions are malleable of course, and i'm really not that girl in the photo-- even if the photo was of me, heh-- but that past is still there, either pushing us forward or weighing us down, or tormenting us, what have you. it makes us move. it makes us write. that's probably a good thing.
P.S. ~~ha, it's funny that song (`me and julio') was running through my head, writing this, since-- well-- considering what it's about. *laughs* hee my mind works in mysterious ways, sometimes. and oh man, but paul simon is a wacky, wacky guy.
