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reenkaI had [yet another] nice little rant brewing in my head last night when I made the mistake of... uh, actually going to a Barnes&Noble and browsing before rabidly checking email. Um. And I'm not even talking about the porn-stars book next to the gardening section [which is where I was actually headed! ...honest!] where they were shown dressed & nude on the opposite page 'body portrait'. Um. Which may not sound so bad until you realize how SERIOUSLY disturbing 'serious!look' porn-stars are, of either gender. SERIOUSLY, OMFG!!1 I AM NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT THAT GUY WITH THAT BEER-BELLY OR ALL THOSE IMPLANTS AND THE HUGE PINK FAKELY-SWOLLEN MOUTHS OMGWTF WTFWTF THEY ARE COMING TO GET ME, AAAARGHhgfkjhgjkhglkjhlkuylkjlj D:! ...*breathes*
Wow. Oh wait, yes, I am. *facepalm* It's just... okay, it's tacky in actual porn movies, but seen all glittery in an 'artsy' coffee-table book... they are just. Freaks of nature, okay. I don't even. THEY ARE SCARY. :O I WAS SHUDDERING. :O! [...and I like sex-books & nudity & porn, okay. Just. Not. Like. This.]
Clearly, going to the bookstore is bad for my mental health & I should stick to the nice, safe&sane sterile confines of fandom. *nodnod* [The real world is SCAWWY, someonehold hide me!!1 Augh!]
...In other words, I also had the misfortune to read People ['cause I have an unpaid-for-magazines fetish in that I read them compulsively as long as I don't have to buy them or look for them v. hard] and... there's a Bible school for 'delinquents' called 'Heartland' in Missouri [I think??] run by this crazy millionaire guy who thinks beating people up, abusing & torturing them constitutes a good Christian education. Which... should be shocking & isn't. Um. -.-
Yeah, so it's pretty much got a looooooong history of similar institutions & belief systems [Victorian age, anyone?? nearly current boarding-school system in Britain, anyone?? haha, okay no] behind it, but... what's really depressing is how easily it happens NOW in one of the supposedly most 'progressive' countries on the planet. [Ha...haha...ha.] Not even talking about it being state-sanctioned (for once, we are Not That Bad, I guess), but rather that apparently there are plenty of 'average' people, parents, who're willing to send their 'problem' kids to a place like that. Christ.
I was really nearly crying when I read descriptions of some of the stuff that routinely happens there; just... realizing people who do that to other people exist. Or maybe just because I myself went to a 'school for delinquents' [in Brooklyn] in my time, & ran away from a tiny tiny fraction of the badness of this hellhole, and have always been fascinated by the idea of how to help & educate the misfits and teenage delinquents of the world. It's really hits on a personal level, the idea that immersing a person in, you know, HELL ON EARTH would help them escape from someone else's [their parents'] idea of a 'bad crowd' or whatever. Not like this is really all that -unusual- as far as ideas go; no, it's actually got quite a pedigree-- and that's prolly why it gets to me the way it does. People -have- always thought 'hey, a little brainwashing and military-style torture may be JUST THE THING to help my wayward child'. And that. THAT. Seems somehow more criminal than simply, you know, pulling someone's guts out, in a way. It's more... insiduously, quietly evil.
An everyday evil is a lot more scary, man. Like. This is worse than evil accountants, okay, because evil accountants [and lawyers! well, that was a joke] seem almost -normal-, whereas evil PARENTS [and teachers] are both normal & yet never... actually... expected. Always the same level of Deeply Wrong no matter how jaded you get, in that wounded-child corner of your head that never goes away. Always with that tiny little 'but how COULD they??' at the back of your mind even though you've grown up & realized that okay, Grown-ups Suck but there are -reasons- and society's messed-up & they can't help being idiots & really, everyone's got problems. You know? (I can't help making fun of my own pained rant in my head, btw. Yes, I made the 'no one expects... THE SPANISH INQUISITION' joke to myself at this point. Le sigh.)
Anyway, er... it's funny, I can accept various sorts of [sanctioned & non] killers, child-molesters and rapists a lot more easily-- they anger me at times, but I don't -boggle- at their existence 'cause I've spent a lot of time trying to 'understand the Devil' & get in touch with my dark side, so as not to get self-righteous & therefore delusional [which would be almost as bad a sin in my mind, hahah]. This is just sort of... beyond 'Dark Side' & into 'Dark Ages', y'know? Which seems harder for me to accept just because I -know- we will always have killers & child-molesters [probably], but I like to nurse the idea that us modern human beings wouldn't let an anachronism like that exist. Silly, because tons of -other- anachronisms-- from the Amish & SCA to outdated public-behavior laws-- certainly do exist. Feh.
~~
But back to fandom, my dear refuge of sanity & joy...
....*coughs*
...my stillborn rant/ramble-type-thing had to do with why I have such a knee-jerk negative reaction to the common fandom idea of 'escapism' to excuse 'fanony fluff' & other ridiculous little bon-bons. Naturally, I thought this had to do with my ideas on Life, The Universe & Everything.
I was thinking that it's actually a sort of ethical [moral?? the difference always confuses me] issue in my head, 'cause I attach moral value both to Fantasy & the idealizations and dreams that come with it, and to Truth, especially of the true-to-self and not-lying-to-self varieties.
So I reconcile that by saying that Fantasy [and its escapist fluffy offspring] should ideally (heh!) be in the Tolkien-inspired tradition, going by his essay 'On Fairy Stories'. It should elevate and enlighten, lead us closer to the truth about ourselves through the use of eucatastrophe [the ultimate happy ending, the cataclysm of joy, etcetc Tolkien-was-a-bit-of-a-Christiancakes]. Not implying that every stupid 'fluffy fanon' kinkfic should have to aspire to those heights of [truthful] Joy in each specific case, but that in talking meta about one's preferences, people seem to be igniting my -own- frustrated desire for transcendence & need to reconcile that with an escapist's yen for guilty pleasure.
The mainstream run of open-minded people say 'accept all kinks, for they are kinks', and I do, all right. I accept (in practice, in terms of individuals, and in terms of how I relate directly to people in general-- I don't judge when it's a specific case). But at the same time, I can't help worrying at it in my head & needing to write it out, trying to come to terms with the idea that people have different needs/psychological make-ups, obviously [so maybe they do need to 'run away' & they just NEED to do it with a fanfic pairing that's eminently unsuited because THEY LIKE IT SO MUCH], and yet I still have my ideals and they are still something I believe in quite strongly, so. It's not that I want anyone to -do- anything or think like I do, obviously, but at the same time I want to believe that escapism is (could be?) Good and not just Convenient, and the truth is, it's mostly convenient. Yet if that's true, I can't say anything to all my friends who're 'meh' at it because they share the common definition. So really this is about me & my ideas about ideas and not about other people at all (even though it involves other people). Just to like... alienate you while trying not to alienate you [look ma, I'm addressing the reader! quite common on lj, but it seriously freaks me out to think of any real person reading this, so I indulge in a little so-called "escapism" just to write most posts without freaking out & locking it to hell & back... um]?? Or something :P
Perhaps it's also an escapist need to believe(!) that not lying to yourself about the [canon] characters' actual (flawed, warty, difficult & unfluffy) nature as you read just to get a buzz, you could yet find a deeper, more intense fulfillment by making realism work for your fantasy-fulfillment needs. That is my ultimate dream, y'know, one I so rarely see other shippers and lovers of happy endings share [to my continuing peevish irritation, haha]. It's like in fairy-tales, you could only -really- have a Happily Ever After after lots of trials and missteps and Evil Witches and Dastardly Princes and Horrible Toads. I can't keep skipping to the end without feeling jipped and upset, and can feel no unity of purpose in hearing anyone claiming to like romantic fantasy of any sort & yet liking to do just that!
In conclusion: where, oh where is my Mr Toad??! Without him, THERE CAN BE NO PRINCE & NO STORY! D:!!1 And that, ladies & gents, is why I'm an escapist romantic yet also an anti-fanony-fluff canon-thumpy freak, The End.
(And speaking of Reena The Escapist Freak... mmm, reading yaoi crack makes EVERYTHING BETTER. But see, fanfic just doesn't do it if I care about the canon characters! Woe. Except I love![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
hp_secrets, so I HAVE NO EXCUSE D: Except, you know, that one where 'if it's cute & funny it's okay! cute & funny makes EVERYTHING OKAY! I DON'T KNOW! WHAT!' Um. It's just that I don't... take it seriously, I guess? That's a small difference, I know.) ...And yeah, you probably win a prize if you figure out just how many times I contradicted myself in this post; well, I plead the Whitman! C'mon, that one was cute, wasn't it... lame, but like one's favorite little stuffed toy is lame. OKAY I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, SOMEBODY SSSSSTOP... me!!1
Wow. Oh wait, yes, I am. *facepalm* It's just... okay, it's tacky in actual porn movies, but seen all glittery in an 'artsy' coffee-table book... they are just. Freaks of nature, okay. I don't even. THEY ARE SCARY. :O I WAS SHUDDERING. :O! [...and I like sex-books & nudity & porn, okay. Just. Not. Like. This.]
Clearly, going to the bookstore is bad for my mental health & I should stick to the nice, safe&sane sterile confines of fandom. *nodnod* [The real world is SCAWWY, someone
...In other words, I also had the misfortune to read People ['cause I have an unpaid-for-magazines fetish in that I read them compulsively as long as I don't have to buy them or look for them v. hard] and... there's a Bible school for 'delinquents' called 'Heartland' in Missouri [I think??] run by this crazy millionaire guy who thinks beating people up, abusing & torturing them constitutes a good Christian education. Which... should be shocking & isn't. Um. -.-
Yeah, so it's pretty much got a looooooong history of similar institutions & belief systems [Victorian age, anyone?? nearly current boarding-school system in Britain, anyone?? haha, okay no] behind it, but... what's really depressing is how easily it happens NOW in one of the supposedly most 'progressive' countries on the planet. [Ha...haha...ha.] Not even talking about it being state-sanctioned (for once, we are Not That Bad, I guess), but rather that apparently there are plenty of 'average' people, parents, who're willing to send their 'problem' kids to a place like that. Christ.
I was really nearly crying when I read descriptions of some of the stuff that routinely happens there; just... realizing people who do that to other people exist. Or maybe just because I myself went to a 'school for delinquents' [in Brooklyn] in my time, & ran away from a tiny tiny fraction of the badness of this hellhole, and have always been fascinated by the idea of how to help & educate the misfits and teenage delinquents of the world. It's really hits on a personal level, the idea that immersing a person in, you know, HELL ON EARTH would help them escape from someone else's [their parents'] idea of a 'bad crowd' or whatever. Not like this is really all that -unusual- as far as ideas go; no, it's actually got quite a pedigree-- and that's prolly why it gets to me the way it does. People -have- always thought 'hey, a little brainwashing and military-style torture may be JUST THE THING to help my wayward child'. And that. THAT. Seems somehow more criminal than simply, you know, pulling someone's guts out, in a way. It's more... insiduously, quietly evil.
An everyday evil is a lot more scary, man. Like. This is worse than evil accountants, okay, because evil accountants [and lawyers! well, that was a joke] seem almost -normal-, whereas evil PARENTS [and teachers] are both normal & yet never... actually... expected. Always the same level of Deeply Wrong no matter how jaded you get, in that wounded-child corner of your head that never goes away. Always with that tiny little 'but how COULD they??' at the back of your mind even though you've grown up & realized that okay, Grown-ups Suck but there are -reasons- and society's messed-up & they can't help being idiots & really, everyone's got problems. You know? (I can't help making fun of my own pained rant in my head, btw. Yes, I made the 'no one expects... THE SPANISH INQUISITION' joke to myself at this point. Le sigh.)
Anyway, er... it's funny, I can accept various sorts of [sanctioned & non] killers, child-molesters and rapists a lot more easily-- they anger me at times, but I don't -boggle- at their existence 'cause I've spent a lot of time trying to 'understand the Devil' & get in touch with my dark side, so as not to get self-righteous & therefore delusional [which would be almost as bad a sin in my mind, hahah]. This is just sort of... beyond 'Dark Side' & into 'Dark Ages', y'know? Which seems harder for me to accept just because I -know- we will always have killers & child-molesters [probably], but I like to nurse the idea that us modern human beings wouldn't let an anachronism like that exist. Silly, because tons of -other- anachronisms-- from the Amish & SCA to outdated public-behavior laws-- certainly do exist. Feh.
~~
But back to fandom, my dear refuge of sanity & joy...
....*coughs*
...my stillborn rant/ramble-type-thing had to do with why I have such a knee-jerk negative reaction to the common fandom idea of 'escapism' to excuse 'fanony fluff' & other ridiculous little bon-bons. Naturally, I thought this had to do with my ideas on Life, The Universe & Everything.
I was thinking that it's actually a sort of ethical [moral?? the difference always confuses me] issue in my head, 'cause I attach moral value both to Fantasy & the idealizations and dreams that come with it, and to Truth, especially of the true-to-self and not-lying-to-self varieties.
So I reconcile that by saying that Fantasy [and its escapist fluffy offspring] should ideally (heh!) be in the Tolkien-inspired tradition, going by his essay 'On Fairy Stories'. It should elevate and enlighten, lead us closer to the truth about ourselves through the use of eucatastrophe [the ultimate happy ending, the cataclysm of joy, etcetc Tolkien-was-a-bit-of-a-Christiancakes]. Not implying that every stupid 'fluffy fanon' kinkfic should have to aspire to those heights of [truthful] Joy in each specific case, but that in talking meta about one's preferences, people seem to be igniting my -own- frustrated desire for transcendence & need to reconcile that with an escapist's yen for guilty pleasure.
The mainstream run of open-minded people say 'accept all kinks, for they are kinks', and I do, all right. I accept (in practice, in terms of individuals, and in terms of how I relate directly to people in general-- I don't judge when it's a specific case). But at the same time, I can't help worrying at it in my head & needing to write it out, trying to come to terms with the idea that people have different needs/psychological make-ups, obviously [so maybe they do need to 'run away' & they just NEED to do it with a fanfic pairing that's eminently unsuited because THEY LIKE IT SO MUCH], and yet I still have my ideals and they are still something I believe in quite strongly, so. It's not that I want anyone to -do- anything or think like I do, obviously, but at the same time I want to believe that escapism is (could be?) Good and not just Convenient, and the truth is, it's mostly convenient. Yet if that's true, I can't say anything to all my friends who're 'meh' at it because they share the common definition. So really this is about me & my ideas about ideas and not about other people at all (even though it involves other people). Just to like... alienate you while trying not to alienate you [look ma, I'm addressing the reader! quite common on lj, but it seriously freaks me out to think of any real person reading this, so I indulge in a little so-called "escapism" just to write most posts without freaking out & locking it to hell & back... um]?? Or something :P
Perhaps it's also an escapist need to believe(!) that not lying to yourself about the [canon] characters' actual (flawed, warty, difficult & unfluffy) nature as you read just to get a buzz, you could yet find a deeper, more intense fulfillment by making realism work for your fantasy-fulfillment needs. That is my ultimate dream, y'know, one I so rarely see other shippers and lovers of happy endings share [to my continuing peevish irritation, haha]. It's like in fairy-tales, you could only -really- have a Happily Ever After after lots of trials and missteps and Evil Witches and Dastardly Princes and Horrible Toads. I can't keep skipping to the end without feeling jipped and upset, and can feel no unity of purpose in hearing anyone claiming to like romantic fantasy of any sort & yet liking to do just that!
In conclusion: where, oh where is my Mr Toad??! Without him, THERE CAN BE NO PRINCE & NO STORY! D:!!1 And that, ladies & gents, is why I'm an escapist romantic yet also an anti-fanony-fluff canon-thumpy freak, The End.
(And speaking of Reena The Escapist Freak... mmm, reading yaoi crack makes EVERYTHING BETTER. But see, fanfic just doesn't do it if I care about the canon characters! Woe. Except I love
hp_secrets, so I HAVE NO EXCUSE D: Except, you know, that one where 'if it's cute & funny it's okay! cute & funny makes EVERYTHING OKAY! I DON'T KNOW! WHAT!' Um. It's just that I don't... take it seriously, I guess? That's a small difference, I know.) ...And yeah, you probably win a prize if you figure out just how many times I contradicted myself in this post; well, I plead the Whitman! C'mon, that one was cute, wasn't it... lame, but like one's favorite little stuffed toy is lame. 
