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reenkaI've figured it out, I think. Why I've had writer's block since last July or longer-- since the winter before last, even. I mean, HBP has something to do with it, but I think at the center is just the obvious, isn't it...?
The passion is gone.
I was thinking about it in terms of writing and being puzzled, because if I don't have the passion to write H/D, why not write something else? Because I don't; I tell myself I should, but I don't have any real desire to, and the few things I do start -are- H/D (and give up on, bored or tired after 1 or 2 pages in). I'm stuck because H/D is easy and consistent and it's been what drove me to write so amazingly much these past 3 years-- more fiction at a greater pace than ever before in my life. It was amazing, and addictive, and I loved it, and it really wasn't about fanfic, but because Draco's need spoke to me on a deep level-- the deepest possible level, where it wasn't just me 'loving their love' like I do with many couples but me being in love.
I just realized that what makes me write in general is passion; that something that directly drives me and motivates me which isn't just love for the characters or the world or the relationship, but just love and longing and grief in its purest form: emotion. My own emotion; my own issues with my ex that I needed to work through, that H/D gave me a chance to work through because the precise pitch of their emotions is so similar.
It's not that I'm like Harry or Draco, but that I felt that. I was that, and I needed to come to terms to it, so that was the engine driving me. I wrote not because I was 'unblocked' in the sense that I'm 'blocked' now; I wrote because I felt too much not to. That's why I always write.
Some people have stories to tell, and some want to tell their own; I think I want neither & can do both. In any case, what I -need- is something that's more than an ideal, more than a dream of love or faith or friendship or grief: I need something real that's within me, that grounds me and lets me open that fictional window onto others. It's like fuel; I basically need excess emotional reserves to make that jump & get into characters' heads, and the reason I got into Draco's was because oldskool-fanon!Draco-in-love is a lot like me-in-love in a way I just don't resemble other characters, and that was my hook. And of course, it's a magical world, which immediately makes it more home to me than any of the myriad more mundane or technical worlds that other fandoms possess.
I mean, I've written 'about' me & my ex's issues before fanfic, but it was always limited in an odd way-- I felt catharsis and release, but it was a shunt rather than a tool for self-healing; with fiction or poetry, I couldn't quite confront it directly no matter how I approached it because the heart of it was too dense and hot, so I could only poke at it rather than utilize it for something else. It didn't help me grow, just let off some steam. With fanfic, it was a relief to have pre-existing structure that I could use to build from, to allow me to focus on characterization in a way I just didn't quite know -how- before. It allowed me to think about characters in a more distant, 'objective' way, because they weren't in my head, or at least -of- my head the same way, y'know? So I was able to get a better grip on them, and finally I read canon & slowly but surely began to write about Harry & Draco rather than me and my ex, and then I spread out onto other characters too, of course. But even then, my own emotion was driving me, allowing me a window. I was getting further and further from 'direct' catharsis, but that element of catharsis was like an umbilical cord still connecting me to that fictional reality, I think.
So fanfic served as a framework in a way original fic & poetry couldn't, but the engine was still the same. The engine is always the same.
There's a review at Fiction Alley for 'Death Wish' that compliments me on how many words I can use to describe fine gradations of a single emotion, and how that surprisingly doesn't get boring. And when I think of that now, I just think about how I need some real basis for that passion. As much as I love H/D, they're still fictional characters to me; but when I wrote 'Death Wish', they were really tools to write about things I couldn't get at otherwise. A tool to write about my own grief, loneliness, obsessiveness and the hope for redemption. Draco's hope was my hope; Harry's strength was my strength; their fights, the violence of their connection were reflections of the turmoil in me. I was violent and doomed and tragic and hopeful and young, and I don't know if I am anymore, not the same way.
And I think a lot of the block was just nostalgia-- that, and not wanting to give up my milk cow. I didn't have anything driving me, and I didn't want to face that. It's easier to say I have writing block than to say I have emotional stagnation. But really, that's what it is.
To get back to my H/D fics, I think my last one helped show the problem: I mean, it's -there- and it's not -bad- (I think... even though, y'know, AGAIN no one said anything, really... my poor, battered self-esteem... alas), but it's lacking drive or... verve, or something. It's rather rote, I feel, and I forced myself to write it, mostly (so it probably shows, too). And even when I do write snippets with some feeling, they remain snippets because the passion doesn't last-- I'm just too sucked dry of inspiration and real emotion to sustain a longer effort. I mean, even -now- I want to finish my novella just because it's a Thing at this point, but finishing an old Thing isn't the same as the continuous innovation I need to sustain interest & passion, and that's just not there-- it's not there and it's not the fault of HBP or H/D or even myself.
It's really been so obvious all along: even this entry is a product of passion. I felt a small sense of revelation, and that was intense enough to produce all these words. I didn't have to force them, I just had to shape them. And they say you should be able to 'just sit down & write', but to do even that much, you need motivation and the passion behind discipline. With writing, and with me, that's how it works: passion behind discipline. Not just 'passion for the characters' or for the story or what have you, but for that overwhelming, painful, bittersweet life.
I mean, it may even be a good thing because it means I'm at a crossroads; the old well of emotion has run dry and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to feel something new.
The passion is gone.
I was thinking about it in terms of writing and being puzzled, because if I don't have the passion to write H/D, why not write something else? Because I don't; I tell myself I should, but I don't have any real desire to, and the few things I do start -are- H/D (and give up on, bored or tired after 1 or 2 pages in). I'm stuck because H/D is easy and consistent and it's been what drove me to write so amazingly much these past 3 years-- more fiction at a greater pace than ever before in my life. It was amazing, and addictive, and I loved it, and it really wasn't about fanfic, but because Draco's need spoke to me on a deep level-- the deepest possible level, where it wasn't just me 'loving their love' like I do with many couples but me being in love.
I just realized that what makes me write in general is passion; that something that directly drives me and motivates me which isn't just love for the characters or the world or the relationship, but just love and longing and grief in its purest form: emotion. My own emotion; my own issues with my ex that I needed to work through, that H/D gave me a chance to work through because the precise pitch of their emotions is so similar.
It's not that I'm like Harry or Draco, but that I felt that. I was that, and I needed to come to terms to it, so that was the engine driving me. I wrote not because I was 'unblocked' in the sense that I'm 'blocked' now; I wrote because I felt too much not to. That's why I always write.
Some people have stories to tell, and some want to tell their own; I think I want neither & can do both. In any case, what I -need- is something that's more than an ideal, more than a dream of love or faith or friendship or grief: I need something real that's within me, that grounds me and lets me open that fictional window onto others. It's like fuel; I basically need excess emotional reserves to make that jump & get into characters' heads, and the reason I got into Draco's was because oldskool-fanon!Draco-in-love is a lot like me-in-love in a way I just don't resemble other characters, and that was my hook. And of course, it's a magical world, which immediately makes it more home to me than any of the myriad more mundane or technical worlds that other fandoms possess.
I mean, I've written 'about' me & my ex's issues before fanfic, but it was always limited in an odd way-- I felt catharsis and release, but it was a shunt rather than a tool for self-healing; with fiction or poetry, I couldn't quite confront it directly no matter how I approached it because the heart of it was too dense and hot, so I could only poke at it rather than utilize it for something else. It didn't help me grow, just let off some steam. With fanfic, it was a relief to have pre-existing structure that I could use to build from, to allow me to focus on characterization in a way I just didn't quite know -how- before. It allowed me to think about characters in a more distant, 'objective' way, because they weren't in my head, or at least -of- my head the same way, y'know? So I was able to get a better grip on them, and finally I read canon & slowly but surely began to write about Harry & Draco rather than me and my ex, and then I spread out onto other characters too, of course. But even then, my own emotion was driving me, allowing me a window. I was getting further and further from 'direct' catharsis, but that element of catharsis was like an umbilical cord still connecting me to that fictional reality, I think.
So fanfic served as a framework in a way original fic & poetry couldn't, but the engine was still the same. The engine is always the same.
There's a review at Fiction Alley for 'Death Wish' that compliments me on how many words I can use to describe fine gradations of a single emotion, and how that surprisingly doesn't get boring. And when I think of that now, I just think about how I need some real basis for that passion. As much as I love H/D, they're still fictional characters to me; but when I wrote 'Death Wish', they were really tools to write about things I couldn't get at otherwise. A tool to write about my own grief, loneliness, obsessiveness and the hope for redemption. Draco's hope was my hope; Harry's strength was my strength; their fights, the violence of their connection were reflections of the turmoil in me. I was violent and doomed and tragic and hopeful and young, and I don't know if I am anymore, not the same way.
And I think a lot of the block was just nostalgia-- that, and not wanting to give up my milk cow. I didn't have anything driving me, and I didn't want to face that. It's easier to say I have writing block than to say I have emotional stagnation. But really, that's what it is.
To get back to my H/D fics, I think my last one helped show the problem: I mean, it's -there- and it's not -bad- (I think... even though, y'know, AGAIN no one said anything, really... my poor, battered self-esteem... alas), but it's lacking drive or... verve, or something. It's rather rote, I feel, and I forced myself to write it, mostly (so it probably shows, too). And even when I do write snippets with some feeling, they remain snippets because the passion doesn't last-- I'm just too sucked dry of inspiration and real emotion to sustain a longer effort. I mean, even -now- I want to finish my novella just because it's a Thing at this point, but finishing an old Thing isn't the same as the continuous innovation I need to sustain interest & passion, and that's just not there-- it's not there and it's not the fault of HBP or H/D or even myself.
It's really been so obvious all along: even this entry is a product of passion. I felt a small sense of revelation, and that was intense enough to produce all these words. I didn't have to force them, I just had to shape them. And they say you should be able to 'just sit down & write', but to do even that much, you need motivation and the passion behind discipline. With writing, and with me, that's how it works: passion behind discipline. Not just 'passion for the characters' or for the story or what have you, but for that overwhelming, painful, bittersweet life.
I mean, it may even be a good thing because it means I'm at a crossroads; the old well of emotion has run dry and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to feel something new.
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Date: 2006-05-07 04:16 am (UTC)I wonder if a "new passion" is really the next step, or something else. I wonder this with literature in general, sometimes -- I was conscious a few years back about reading too personally, too much for idiosyncratic button-pushing. Is there a different kind of literary pleasure that's more like long-term love after the fireworks have died down? Just a more disengaged play with the variety of characters, the technical tricks of writing? Something more outward-focused, something that gets the reader out of his/her head with a sense of curiosity about differences rather than an urge to reinforce all the cherished internal hot-buttons. I think I've gotten better at this, though at first stories without obvious points of identification seemed hopelessly pale compared to what I used to like. Now they don't, or at least it's not as clear, and the earlier attitude seems morbid, even cringe-making, though not always resistable . . . I don't know. It's the middle of a transition there, maybe.
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Date: 2006-05-07 05:21 pm (UTC)I guess it all comes down to what motivates you, in the end, right? It's not that I need fireworks and excitement, but I do need to be motivated emotionally rather than just rationally. For someone less fueled by the power of feelings than I am, it's not as much of an issue, I imagine. I mean, there must be a separation between 'internal hot-buttons' & something deeper like passion, right? It's like the power to get 'out of my head' comes from that emotional basis as well-- as much as it draws me in, it can get me out, looking for answers and reflections. So it's not that I'm too stuck in my own head, because if that were true, I'd -want- to get out and experiment more... or at least if I was really stuck in an intense way. Intensity's what it's all about, at least for me.
Does it make sense to need inward strength to generate outward focus? I mean, I can identify with almost any character (though some obviously come easier than others), but if it was just about that, there -are- characters other than Harry & Draco that I could identify with, so I should've written other pairings or fandoms by now, and I haven't. I know what you mean about reading for hot-buttons & personal gratification, but that seems subtly different somehow, even though I do that and writing for self-gratification sometimes also; it's like-- with reading, it's always inherently more passive & looking for satisfaction, because you are the consumer. With writing, it's more active, and your imagination gets more involved-- it's actually disturbing to me to be 'just the consumer' when you write. It seems wrong on a deep level, because writing is so... um, inclusive of more of my consciousness, I guess? I feel like it would be making an embarrassing statement about me if my consciousness added up to selfish pleasure like that.
I really don't make bones about reading for pleasure, really, but somehow it's diametrically different with writing, it seems to me. Like... well, for class, it's one thing (though I actually avoid my readings a lot of times... if I'm not interested or it's assigned, it's hard to get my will to read it up). It's not even about identification, exactly, though maybe it is. I find that recently, my choices in what Japanese TV drama to download, for instance, definitely have to do with how much I 'get' the subject/protagonists not on a theoretical but rather a personal level, like ... 'would I face that problem?' or 'would I act like that?'. Otherwise, I may enjoy it if it's well-made but I wouldn't... I dunno, need to watch it, I guess?? If it won't give a message directly to me, why do I need to spend time on it unless it's amazingly wonderful, and what are the odds that it is, really???
With writing, it's all in my head already, so really I'm intrinsically incapable of truly writing something boring to me, at least once I get started. I'm sure to find an angle on the situation that will appeal to me. With reading, I'm pretty much stuck, especially 'cause I don't tend to go 'against the flow' of a narrative and focus on a minor character just 'cause I'm more likely to identify with them even though they're only there 10% of the time or something, so. I'm pretty much stuck; unless the technical aspect is like... outstanding, and how often does -that- happen, y'know? Heh.