...blaaaaaaah

[reenka]

So far in my adventures with yaoi manga, I've realized that one of my favorite things is when the uke is... well... non-ukish-- like, non-submissive, which is weird 'cause recently in HP fandom I've gotten a little too invested in who tops and so on, which is actually funny to me now. I don't know... it's just my luck that recently I keep reading mangas where the bottom boy is all tough-assed and violent and sulky and so on, while the top is gentler and more love-love and such. Ahahaha it's so great. Sometimes it's pretty emotionally unrealistic, but who cares? I love seeing the tough guy be all, *mewl!!1* no matter how much he resists, heeeee. (*sekritly mean*)

Okay, that was random. Also, it seems like one of my greatest joys in manga, if not in life, is witnessing the obligatory (dark-haired!) Expressionless Icy Cool Boy (who's annoying as hell in HP, but let's not go there) get all 'omg, you TOUCHED MY PENIS!! I BLUSH NOW!!'. That's beautiful. It seems like a lot of the High School stories are about the Uber-Cool Cucumber meeting Sunny Naive Dork boy (who is sometimes violent). And I know I said no manga meta for me, but this isn't meta, it's... er... silly commentary, so there.

I played a bit of Final Fantasy X for the first time recently. Okay, no slash yet, but... see, I'm branching out in my dorkishness. Brings out the full-bodied flavor... or something.
~~

The thing about fandom is... it's implicitly about sharing things you're understood to see in a similar way with people, right? You all like something together. I suppose it's easy to feel you understand things together, too, like... suppose other people see the characters the same way I do if they ship them, but this doesn't seem true. Then again, that's what subjectivity is all about.


It doesn't work that way for me, at least. It feels like the roots and the heart of my fannishness are very personal... and its flowers may attract attention, but aren't capable of sustaining me.

I think my base inspiration lies in images and symbols-- in feelings-- in inner associations between words and memories and emotions. It's not about any two people-- it's not about a pairing. It's about the constant fascination with reaching out into the abyss, with needing the thing you cannot have, with desperation and despair and obsession and violence.

What it comes down to is that I don't care what pairing it is... what fandom it is... I don't care, as long as it's telling a version of that story in my head-- the one that haunts me. And in a way, I think there's only one story I'm ever after, telling or wanting others to tell... that story changes during different times in my life, but H/D, for instance, represents something like this fic snippet by jadedroses. I suppose this is about my love-affair with, well, love, and my tendency to want it to be near-impossible, almost to escape it even as it draws near.

In my head, Draco is always saying he hates Harry, and he means he wants him (to pay attention). He is impotent yet constant-- this is why I always thought ghost!Draco made such perfect sense. He is a ghost-- you cannot truly kill the idea of him, or stop his pain, or even really change him, perhaps. He is everything bright and hopeless, the pretty boy suicide. He's the idiot in me, wanting things too much, never being enough, not seeing the truth until it's too late, clinging to childhood past reason, succumbing to jealousy, living in circles of self-fulfilling prophecies.

I sort of see this boy, and it doesn't matter what his name is-- and he's reaching out, so desperately-- he's reaching out and his eyes are shut and his fingers are cold and there's nothing there anymore but winter wind.

Comments

[cellia.livejournal.com]

the High School stories are about the Uber-Cool Cucumber meeting Sunny Naive Dork boy (who is sometimes violent)

oh look it's my SLAM DUNK OTP RuHana ^O^ /lameness

am big fan of "feisty" or sasoi ukes as well... prob not quite the same as what you call the story in your head that haunts you, but... often I'm just looking for this certain *type* of relationship. If I can get that, the creator is halfway there with me.

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

I've realized that one of my favorite things is when the uke is... well... non-ukish-- like, non-submissive

Hee hee hee. Yes, I love pushy-ukes. Mmmm. Especially Kasumi from Private Magician by Kazusa Takashima. He's not tough or violent, but argh, so funny and cute and non-submissive (well, at least most of the time).

Okay, no slash yet

Just wait. There's much 3-way potential later... *nods sagely*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAH it is also my Gundam Wing OTP, come to think of it :)) That's actually what I was thinking of. Though I shouldn't think too long about it, since bottom!Heero still kinda squicks me, but I like the mewling-tough-guy thing, still. Though Duo's also tough, so it's all right >:D Basically, I don't care if it's porn anyway :))

Sasoi, huh. Noted :D Er, the haunted-story thing and the manga thing aren't really related anyway :)) I'm usually looking for several different types of relationship, though I have my favorites... but usually my UBER favorites have the feistiness in common, like... uh... in shoujo especially, if the girl isn't feisty... well, the boy can be feisty but it's JUST NOT THE SAME. Either way, SOMEONE HAS TO BE FEISTY :)) I was thinking... hmm, I wonder why I like Kyou/Tohru so much where Tohru's such a wet stocking, and then I realized, it's Kyou who's the feisty one. I like it best when they're both feisty though, but in different ways. Then they can hiss, claw and generally fight to the sex >:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...Now I'll have to check that out :)) I can take it if they're not so violent if they're funny. I forgive near everything if people are funny, and it's all NO FORGIVENESS if they're not :) I'm having visions of myself with flashing evil eyes, going, URUSENAI!! YOU ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY AMUSING, YOU MUST

...or something.

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Heh, okay. They have the first three chapters of Private Magician over at Shi-ran (http://shi-ran.cjb.net). I haven't been able to find the rest of it anywhere though T_T;; But yeah, Kasumi* is like, the Seme-uke, always ordering Matthew around and stuff XD. And it's just hilarious.

*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

It appears Shi-ran got disbanded, so no more are being translated. Le sigh. :(
Ahhhh blurring roles of any kind is probably one of my favorite things ever. Utter chaos, chaos everywhere, yeay! :>

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

i want to stop you. stop it. did you stop?


obviously i never have been part of a fandomn.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...it's the thought that counts! I will try to stop! I will persevere! They shall not have me! Etc! Also, it's so embarrassing to talk about this stuff all the time, omg ><;;;

and... I think I generalize my own feelings onto people in general sometimes. Oops :>

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

oh well, i tried :)


hm, not sure. i was at work and only glanced at the lj-cut ... you also don't seem to get that supposed feeling of unity? well, from what i could see, you still are very much in a fandom in a way i just never manage, for reasons i think you outlined.

magic

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

that sounded good, so i tried to print out some at work. and it messed up the printer completely. and despite me cancelling and even shutting off the damn machine, it kept printing when it was switched on again. *spooked*

Re: magic

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

You'd probably do better with a manga-type pic browser, like Pic Walker... it browses zipped up files, too :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I think my presence in fandom is as much if not more in the other fans' minds as my own. I participate, therefore I'm a part of it :> Er... but that doesn't mean we're coming from the same place, or something.
I feel much more 'like' other HP-type people if I see them in person. Or maybe I'm just so high on glee that I can meet them in the first place :>

Re: magic

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

cannot install anything at work. or mail away from it. or save onto disks.

Re: magic

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

meep. if it comes to that, you could always unzip and view in any kind of pic browser you have, even a web browser...?

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

1. sentence: understood.
2. sentence: yup.
3. sentence: true, my feeling exactly.

4-5. sentence: had to reread 3 times. and rethink.
because to me that is what it means to be in fandom, n'est pas? for examply, i'd be thrilled to meet some people but never because they happen to like the same things that i do.
and if you feel a lot like them when you meet them, then you must feel that fandom bond *g* wah, i am soooo alone

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

It's a difference between liking the same things and liking the same things about those things. Or something. I feel as if my emotional center is different than most others', when it comes to my favorite pairing, even. It's like, I don't see the same things the others see in the same way, or something, so it's almost like we're seeing different things entirely. And yes, that's inevitable but still frustrates me from time to time.

As for meeting people... it's not that I don't feel the 'fandom bond', it's just that I don't care whether I agree with the people I mean in real life from fandom. It's just fun to be around them and have some common frame of reference and be able to discuss things and squee about things, even if we're squeeing about somewhat different things. But online, that immediacy of squee is gone for me, so all that's left is over-intellectualizing and splitting hairs. Which is why online fandom tires me for the same reason meeting people invigorates me-- it's just different in person. I don't care as much that I'm not perfectly in sync. It doesn't matter. But online, words are all we have, so I feel more alone.

...Or something :>

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

it's a difference between liking the same things and liking the same things about those things.
yes, i completely agree. frustratingly inevitable.

and i also don't mind about agreeing, as long as it is understood that that is the case ... i know exactly what i mean but i am not sure i should bore you with it.

that is interesting. now you described it i think that is a very individual phenomenon, in that with some people i can communicate very well and enjoyable online but really don't think we'd talk that easily face to face. while with people i know well in rl, the writing is cold and dangerous and confuses issues.

but i don't squee, so that's a difference as well.

i don't, whatever they say

[malafede.livejournal.com]

In my mind, ukish != submissive, for some reason. Ukish (or rather, annoyingly overkillingly ukish) = total retard that looks pretty. Or: how a girl is in the mind of a chauvinist. So that kind of uke annoys me even when they're sassy. Normally the sassitude comes across as the feeble attempt of the author at covering the shallowness of the uke's characterization without making it... actually less shallow. Then again, sassitude always looks shallow to me, always a stereotype. Sassy = still a retard.

My favourite uke is Chiaki from Cut, who is not sassy.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I wasn't even referring to the stupid stereotypical girly ukes, and I carefully didn't use the word 'sassy'. As for stereotypes, lots of things are stereotypes (that is, commonly used and not subtle), but still enjoyable. I wasn't talking about sassitude-- whatever that means. I was even trying not to use the word 'uke' more than once, so as not to trigger responses to that word. I obviously wasn't referring to characterizations that make anyone look like a retard as far as I could tell-- since I don't tend to like stories about retards. So I shouldn't have used the word 'uke' at all, I guess, though I -was- talking about yaoi.

I had several particular mangas in mind, but I've forgotten now. Basically, it goes way beyond 'sassy', which isn't what I said I liked (was it?) because that's a word synonymous with 'cheeky'-- whereas I like mangas where the bottom is like... tougher acting than the top. That is what I thought I said, nothing about sassiness.

[malafede.livejournal.com]

Yes, I was just sharing my own experience.

[cellia.livejournal.com]

Duo=" *naive* *dork* boy"??? *ahem* And I have words to say about bottom!Heero 'cuz I actually think that he'd break like glass if hit the right way or wouldn't necessarily have any power issues about sex as long as it did the job and ok shutting up now before I post a novel on GW yaoi.

sasoi uke= an uke that does the tempting actively

Am with you on the fiesty so 100%.

What series is Kyou/Tohru from?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

All right, he's not naive or dorky... er... though a lot of fics make him dorky in a sort of comic-relief silliness way, which you could sort of get away with 'cause he's always laughing and being light-hearted or whatever, so he could seem dorky compared to straight-laced Heero. But er, like I said, he's tough & pretty serious so it doesn't really work :)

I haven't thought about it, but you're right... he probably would break like glass, moreso than Duo. I mean, I like them switching, I just dislike -bottom- Heero who's all submissive to Duo, 'cause that freaks me out, I guess. I love talking about GW yaoi <3<3 Awww, sweet nostalgia.

Kyou/Tohru is het from Fruits Basket WHICH YOU MUST SEE. I LOVE IT SO MUCH OMG <3333333333333333333333 cat!boy! mouse!boy! all the animals of the Chinese zodiac are bishounen and there are girls too and they're like... cursed to turn into their animal when hugged by humans! omg, love! And cat!boy (Kyou) is all feisty and angsty and red-headed and omg THE LOVE!!

[cellia.livejournal.com]

oooOOh Fruits Basket. Have read manga, not seen anime. I can never remember the names. I adore the cat boy--stinky true form and all. I feel very bad for him though, as by manga rules it seems like mouse boy will get the girl and that is Not Fair. But she did say she always loved the cat best... but I fear that is only to give me false hope. Maybe it'll be like HanaDan and the mangaka will fall in love with her own character and switch going against convention? (of course, not having read the end of HanaDan, I have no idea if Doumyouji really does triumph in the end, but...)

ah, I loves the grumpy not-too-bright ones.

Good old GW... did you ever read the Death Arc? aka how English-speaking yaoi fangirldom was gently eased into GW from YYH? good times. good times. I still have a bunch of fanart here from those heady days.

I must add now that Trowa is my fav despite having, like, 1 good fic written for him ever.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

YES YOU MUST SEE THE ANIME ARG MUST MUST MUST. IT IS SO CUTE AND THE KYOU IS SO ADORABLE AND AND AND. There's really cute music, too. Oh Kyou, how I love you. I REALLY hope he ends up with Tohru 'cause OMG it's just... WRONG otherwise. I've partly not read the manga 'cause like, I'm afraid it'll end with wrongness. The anime is much better 'cause it ends on a Kyou/Tohru note and it's definitely not leaning in the other direction like at ALL. HA! OMG THE SCENE WHEN SHE FIRST SEES HIS TRUE FORM :(( IN THE RAIN :(( YOU MUST SEE IT :(( YOU MUST!! If you get streamload I can send it to you ^^;;; IT IS SO GOOD :(( AAAAAHhhhhhh. My love for Kyou is strong and true <3 I think I might love him more than Hayama from Kodocha, and... I mean, I really have a thing for Hayama :)) (I'm a shoujo-lovin' slut, clearly.)

HanaDan ends... ambiguously I guess. Wah. But not like, WRONGLY. He sort of triumphs? Oh, I love Doumyouji too <3<3<3<3 And I love his name <3<3<3<3 I can never decide who my favorite anime character is because whenever I think of one I'm like OMG THE LOVE and then I remember one of the like, 3 others and I'm like WAH SQUARED. But they're all... er... special. Doumyouji is like... probably my favorite type of angry. The others' anger is cool too (OMG KYOU! OMG SHION!!! AAaaaahhhh), but... they're just not... I dunno, he makes me think of a big dog, y'know, slobbery and well-groomed but with big teeth, and he likes to carry the teddy-bears to the children in their beds. Or something. I love Tsukasa so. I think I want him to be my boyfriend, ahahah <3<3 Every now and then I rewatch bits of the HanaDan episodes and I NEVER do that with any other series.



Omg but grumpy bright ones are good too!! They're posting `I'm Not Your Stepping Stone' at yaoi_daily and omg it's SO GOOD and OMG grumpy-stone-faced-boy & feisty-violent-sunny-boy <3<3<3<3 AHHH SO MUCH LOVE I CRY I CRY.

...You've told me, about Trowa. That's pretty much what you tell me when we bring up GW :)) I remember talking about it when I visited you in DC and you said that just as we were leaving the train. I have a clear memory for the weirdest things, man ^^;;;