*sigh*

See, yes. I'm not crazy-- when I see stuff like lillithium's latest Harry & Draco watercolor I feel like there's a reason I'm still interested in H/D besides just pure stubborn obsessiveness-- like maybe there's still something to say, something to talk about (even if I don't often see anything like that said or talked about). Because... Harry's darkness & Draco's light are so very interesting, aren't they? Really, I just can't look at that picture and see the sexualized dom/sub dynamic-- I can only see the eggshell-thin barely-contained power about to explode between them. Also, I think that is just one moment-- like, in my head, at the next moment Draco turns the tables by saying something low or demanding, Harry's face crumbles, someone gets angry-- something -moves- between them. Something always moves; if I see stillness, I think of just how rare that sort of moment would have to be.

Haha, pretty ridiculous that I don't post or go online for days and days, and even though I'm writing a longish meta entry on reading that just keeps growing-- and even though I have much I could say about Seattle and the many ridiculous and exhilarating and crazy moments I've had... somehow nothing touches my muse like that Harry. I love exploring and discussing, but in the end want to submerge into the darkest, weirdest, most intimate and hidden possible corner of a character's mind and just roll around there. Because, really, what is that if not a portrayal of Harry's Shadow self? His dark side, which keeps battering and battering against Draco (in canon, I mean). And I've never quite found a character who's this accessible to me in their deepest darkest corners; I've never thought I could go all the way through 'the long march to their soul' [thanks, Nick Hornby]. Lick up their spleen and blood and sinew and really know what makes them hurt at 3am.

Ahhh, I'm really the writerly equivalent of a methodical, loving sadist, I know. One of the main reasons I write is just to take people apart and see how they put themselves back together-- see that transformation from dark to light, like the sunrise of the soul. Yeah, I'm a bit addicted to that, I guess. That is probably one of the most true things I could ever say about myself.
    PS: I guess this sort of thing might be why H/D people keep sporadically adding me and others tell me I'm still in fandom, but... there's a difference between being part of a community & being a 'feral fan' (okay I dislike that term too, but it works 'cause I can't be bothered to come up with a better alternative... & also I really am pretty feral). It's hard to be into it without constantly thinking 'but am I like the other H/D fans??' and like... I guess I'm like more old-skool fans and not-so-much like more recent fans, so. It's really a shared history/perspective thing than a 'liking a certain pairing/character' thing. Though I must say I've yet to meet a Harry fan I disliked... it's also true I just don't really speak much with people I don't already like in the first place so my segment's pretty skewed ^^;