I've figured it out, I think. Why I've had writer's block since last July or longer-- since the winter before last, even. I mean, HBP has something to do with it, but I think at the center is just the obvious, isn't it...?
The passion is gone.
I was thinking about it in terms of writing and being puzzled, because if I don't have the passion to write H/D, why not write something else? Because I don't; I tell myself I should, but I don't have any real desire to, and the few things I do start -are- H/D (and give up on, bored or tired after 1 or 2 pages in). I'm stuck because H/D is easy and consistent and it's been what drove me to write so amazingly much these past 3 years-- more fiction at a greater pace than ever before in my life. It was amazing, and addictive, and I loved it, and it really wasn't about fanfic, but because Draco's need spoke to me on a deep level-- the deepest possible level, where it wasn't just me 'loving their love' like I do with many couples but me being in love.
I just realized that what makes me write in general is passion; that something that directly drives me and motivates me which isn't just love for the characters or the world or the relationship, but just love and longing and grief in its purest form: emotion. My own emotion; my own issues with my ex that I needed to work through, that H/D gave me a chance to work through because the precise pitch of their emotions is so similar.
( ... )
To get back to my H/D fics, I think my last one helped show the problem: I mean, it's -there- and it's not -bad- (I think... even though, y'know, AGAIN no one said anything, really... my poor, battered self-esteem... alas), but it's lacking drive or... verve, or something. It's rather rote, I feel, and I forced myself to write it, mostly (so it probably shows, too). And even when I do write snippets with some feeling, they remain snippets because the passion doesn't last-- I'm just too sucked dry of inspiration and real emotion to sustain a longer effort. I mean, even -now- I want to finish my novella just because it's a Thing at this point, but finishing an old Thing isn't the same as the continuous innovation I need to sustain interest & passion, and that's just not there-- it's not there and it's not the fault of HBP or H/D or even myself.
It's really been so obvious all along: even this entry is a product of passion. I felt a small sense of revelation, and that was intense enough to produce all these words. I didn't have to force them, I just had to shape them. And they say you should be able to 'just sit down & write', but to do even that much, you need motivation and the passion behind discipline. With writing, and with me, that's how it works: passion behind discipline. Not just 'passion for the characters' or for the story or what have you, but for that overwhelming, painful, bittersweet life.
I mean, it may even be a good thing because it means I'm at a crossroads; the old well of emotion has run dry and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to feel something new.
The passion is gone.
I was thinking about it in terms of writing and being puzzled, because if I don't have the passion to write H/D, why not write something else? Because I don't; I tell myself I should, but I don't have any real desire to, and the few things I do start -are- H/D (and give up on, bored or tired after 1 or 2 pages in). I'm stuck because H/D is easy and consistent and it's been what drove me to write so amazingly much these past 3 years-- more fiction at a greater pace than ever before in my life. It was amazing, and addictive, and I loved it, and it really wasn't about fanfic, but because Draco's need spoke to me on a deep level-- the deepest possible level, where it wasn't just me 'loving their love' like I do with many couples but me being in love.
I just realized that what makes me write in general is passion; that something that directly drives me and motivates me which isn't just love for the characters or the world or the relationship, but just love and longing and grief in its purest form: emotion. My own emotion; my own issues with my ex that I needed to work through, that H/D gave me a chance to work through because the precise pitch of their emotions is so similar.
( ... )
To get back to my H/D fics, I think my last one helped show the problem: I mean, it's -there- and it's not -bad- (I think... even though, y'know, AGAIN no one said anything, really... my poor, battered self-esteem... alas), but it's lacking drive or... verve, or something. It's rather rote, I feel, and I forced myself to write it, mostly (so it probably shows, too). And even when I do write snippets with some feeling, they remain snippets because the passion doesn't last-- I'm just too sucked dry of inspiration and real emotion to sustain a longer effort. I mean, even -now- I want to finish my novella just because it's a Thing at this point, but finishing an old Thing isn't the same as the continuous innovation I need to sustain interest & passion, and that's just not there-- it's not there and it's not the fault of HBP or H/D or even myself.
It's really been so obvious all along: even this entry is a product of passion. I felt a small sense of revelation, and that was intense enough to produce all these words. I didn't have to force them, I just had to shape them. And they say you should be able to 'just sit down & write', but to do even that much, you need motivation and the passion behind discipline. With writing, and with me, that's how it works: passion behind discipline. Not just 'passion for the characters' or for the story or what have you, but for that overwhelming, painful, bittersweet life.
I mean, it may even be a good thing because it means I'm at a crossroads; the old well of emotion has run dry and I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to feel something new.
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