....Peter... Pan.... fanfic....?....?? me?

If I don't write an entry every day-- or something else, every day-- I feel lonely. It has become a habit, and that's why I do things, when they're effortless, when I don't have to think. It's not even avoidance anymore, it's just a compulsion. I think if I stopped for awhile, I'd stop for good.

Or so I thought. Because my two longfics-- it might kill me, but I'll finish them. Because I'm proud. I don't think I've ever been so proud of anything before. Or loved anything I've written so much before. It's kind of frightening. I think I'm frightened of them, and that's why I don't work on them. When I release it, there it'll be-- my heart on a platter. I don't know how people deal with it, 'cause I know a number of writers feel that way about every single fic they write, or they only write that one big project in the first place.

Just now, they're close to my heart, incubating. Only one person has seen one respectively. A part of me probably likes it that way-- that quiet, full place where I'm so happy, knowing that they're brilliant and allmineallmineallmine. What will I do when I post my H/D longfic? I imagine saying, "this is it! you all better comment!"... but that seems like... not enough. How do you throw a party for a fic?

Isn't it sad when your half-born fics make you happier than almost anything? Or maybe that's just me being me, which is a writer; I'm not sure. I'm being so over the top right now, aren't I. I fear what I love, but I don't love what I fear. Fear and love go together for me, hand in hand, always tearing at each other and staring coldly across the room. Fear/love, that's my OTP. No real person will ever actually be enough for me, 'cause I'll always be imagining pieces of them, attaching them on like wings for Icarus.
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( `Wings for Icarus' - really rather strange Peter Pan fanfic. Heeeee! <333333 Some of you might like it. Or not. Why did I write it, anyway? )

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dorkorific's `Nightswimming' kind of broke me, btw. And when I say kinda, I mean a lot. People kind of laugh at S/R sometimes, well, they'd have to try hard to laugh at this.