if you're curious as to why i'm updating (and no you're not, but okay), it's because i'm at what might loosely be considered work and this is a -really- slow 'puter, so no vids. a faster 'puter would mean no vids too, 'cause they're all restricted. but anyway.
since i'm not quite at the withdrawal stage with qaf right now, i'm not reading transcripts but rather thinking slash meta as usual (does anyone else think about this as much as me? i'm a freak aren't i).
actually being in a primarily visually based slashy obsession for the first time (ie, i love them 'cause they look so right together more than any other reason), is making me more conscious than usual of the weird identity issues here. i'm not a straight female, exactly, but... it just seems that identifying with gay males is more... subversive, cuts closer to the quick somehow that just the usual reader identification with a hetero male.
( ha. and this whole line of thought is sort of a complete tangent, 'cause no identification explains unholy lust, does it -.- )
somewhat perversely, knowing that some (most?) of the qaf actors are straight (in both versions) is rather bothering me. which might be limited thinking but there you go. it's like, the ice is thin or something. thinking of them as straight men in any degree whatsoever just totally deflates me, even though i'm all going on about the weird fuzzy boundaries. sigh. i was rather ridiculously pleased the guy who plays justin is out. like. eeek. sohappy! a bit guilty about it though. though i mean, it's important to imagine they're enjoying it, somehow, otherwise... i mean. the whole "get into character" thing. can you get into a sexuality as part of getting into character? *laughs* oh man -.-
~~
apropos of nothing except a lame-ish qaf vid, i have this huge urge to do a `closer' layout for this lj (and just how nonfitting would -that- be). how, i dunno, but it would have lots of thorns, red splashes, and black dangling weird objects. anyone who'd look would think i'm this horribly angsty teenager. just, using "you get me closer to god" as a heartfelt curse pushes all the right buttons in my head. rage and divinity and need and fear and descent into madness and love, love everywhere, even in hell. love, especially in hell.
i have this deep need to write fics about love in descent, love that follows-- or at least, it's a major theme in my mind and writing. there are major fairy-tales i associate with it: persephone, orpheus, tam lin, the snow queen, the little mermaid, beauty and the beast to a degree. true love always winds up in hell at one point. the changing psyche can't help but go under-- where the raw things are, where the hidden things are. that's partly why the dv "follow you to the gates of hell" speech evokes such powerful emotional responses-- there are all sorts of pre-existing symbolic resonances there.
( though how many of them have to do with `closer' is anybody's guess ^^; )
since i'm not quite at the withdrawal stage with qaf right now, i'm not reading transcripts but rather thinking slash meta as usual (does anyone else think about this as much as me? i'm a freak aren't i).
actually being in a primarily visually based slashy obsession for the first time (ie, i love them 'cause they look so right together more than any other reason), is making me more conscious than usual of the weird identity issues here. i'm not a straight female, exactly, but... it just seems that identifying with gay males is more... subversive, cuts closer to the quick somehow that just the usual reader identification with a hetero male.
( ha. and this whole line of thought is sort of a complete tangent, 'cause no identification explains unholy lust, does it -.- )
somewhat perversely, knowing that some (most?) of the qaf actors are straight (in both versions) is rather bothering me. which might be limited thinking but there you go. it's like, the ice is thin or something. thinking of them as straight men in any degree whatsoever just totally deflates me, even though i'm all going on about the weird fuzzy boundaries. sigh. i was rather ridiculously pleased the guy who plays justin is out. like. eeek. sohappy! a bit guilty about it though. though i mean, it's important to imagine they're enjoying it, somehow, otherwise... i mean. the whole "get into character" thing. can you get into a sexuality as part of getting into character? *laughs* oh man -.-
~~
apropos of nothing except a lame-ish qaf vid, i have this huge urge to do a `closer' layout for this lj (and just how nonfitting would -that- be). how, i dunno, but it would have lots of thorns, red splashes, and black dangling weird objects. anyone who'd look would think i'm this horribly angsty teenager. just, using "you get me closer to god" as a heartfelt curse pushes all the right buttons in my head. rage and divinity and need and fear and descent into madness and love, love everywhere, even in hell. love, especially in hell.
i have this deep need to write fics about love in descent, love that follows-- or at least, it's a major theme in my mind and writing. there are major fairy-tales i associate with it: persephone, orpheus, tam lin, the snow queen, the little mermaid, beauty and the beast to a degree. true love always winds up in hell at one point. the changing psyche can't help but go under-- where the raw things are, where the hidden things are. that's partly why the dv "follow you to the gates of hell" speech evokes such powerful emotional responses-- there are all sorts of pre-existing symbolic resonances there.
( though how many of them have to do with `closer' is anybody's guess ^^; )
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