~~i don't believe in silence, i don't believe in fear...

i didn't really understand the whole "politics on lj" idea until well-- it occurred to me that politics can also mean the need/desire to change what you say in order to keep up a certain appearance, whether personal or in relationship to someone or something else.
    i'm not the sort, i've always thought, that cares what anyone thinks-- although that's mostly not been tested. people kind of ignore me, and well-- i try to ignore them back, unless they're really loud and obnoxious and then i try to get away. but i've always been opinionated, and it always seemed disgusting the way i saw people change their opinions because their friends "introduced" them to a new and better way to think. i mean, that's what those sheep in high school acted like, going around looking like clones of each other.

i wasn't a clone, and i was damn proud of it. damn them all, anyway, as far as i was concerned. of course, it's easy to damn people you don't know, generally.
    anyway, it's an interesting phenomenon. i find myself feeling a little weird if i don't agree with people i like. not so much that i'd pretend i -do- agree, but i can see how people could iwind up not saying anything, and avoiding the issue altogether. a part of us must be worried that if you disagree, something is wrong with either you or them, and sooner or later "they" are going to find out, and things will be exposed as fraudulent. or something.

of course, people disagreeing (even violently) is supposed to be actually an -incentive- for a relationship of some sort, although usually you get sexual tension type stories written about it. certainly, i've gone even further and enjoyed/written stories about people who -hate- one another, so you'd think disagreement would be at the root of it. and it's not like anyone thinks if they're in love they automatically suddenly agree on the things they used to disagree on. maybe they're having too much sex to really think about their ideals though.
    it's a weird feeling, certainly, falling in love with (or even -liking-) someone whose thoughts are (at times violently) at odds with yours. say, i fell in love with someone who's a catholic misanthropic videogame-obsessed (i'm like, the opposite of a game-lover) fanfic-hating snob. it would seem nearly unimaginable. but, it happens ><;;

what was my point? oh yes. i actually probably seem more tame-natured than i am, which bothers me.
    it seems if you say you -hate- or -can't stand- or generally find something (idea-wise, or worse, practice-wise) in a public community like lj, it would just get jumped. at worst, it would start a flame-war. at best, it would get people to say things that make you feel silly and wrong, unless you're really sure of yourself. this isn't to say it's really happened to me or that i've said anything anyone has as of yet really found objectionable, but i -could-. i -could- say it, but i don't. that's what bothers me.

i mean, i -do- just feel things that aren't necessarily defensible. and i do spend a lot of time rationalizing them and making them seem all intellectual just because i use vaguely intelligent language to say them. i mean... the whole hp fanfic thing isn't the most intellectually defensible of obsessions. most obsessions are kind of silly, in one way of looking at it. i could be obsessed with collecting coca-cola bottle caps, or toy trains, and that would also be stupid, so i don't feel too bad. but in the end, i like the things i like, and dislike a lot of others. though i suppose i don't stand to gain anything ranting on about them either way. hmm. also, as soon as i start typing, i become more reasonable than if you were to just listen to me in person, in which case i would just say, "wah, those people -suck-, man. they're all insane. ahahahah. THEY'RE ALL INSANE!!#!&*!!" hee~:)
    EDIT: ( or, i could say... )

oh, and yum! angryillusions made me go to my happy place with this wonderfully shaded, yummy draco sketch. mmm.

~~scattered. some recs.

it's hard to always make sense. i just get words coming to me, flickering. batting. raining. sweeping. draining. lying. jeering. sapping. keeping. rowing. saying. bleary. fume. dread. fie. sea. dare. plume. sane. breath. fear. slam. perch. sleet. frost. bent. seer. rose. smite.

and now i get self-conscious. i doodled last night, feeling pretty good about myself and silvia's buffy songvid dancing in my brain, still. but really, so easy to appreciate things outside yourself. so much easier to love things when they're not you and yet they are. that's what good art is. it shows you things you never knew you were, because you recognize them. kinship. suddenly you understand. it all makes a little bit more sense. existence, and maybe not in general, just yours in particular.

anyway, meant to have hp art recs. haven't done those in a while.
    mostly just rabby's site, and this beautiful sketch of james with roses. *sigh* and hermione, even though she doesn't quite look like canon!hermione, she's so well-drawn i forgive her.

    and silvia wrote more cute yumminess. wah, brain not working well, haven't eaten yet today. ehehehe. well, i forget these things. anyway. here and here. wah. words like pretty river stones and champagne ice melting on your tongue and making you a tiny bit tipsy and the world swirls in sparkly pastel. guh, can't express my loff. but you know. yes.

    also, found neil's online store and belatedly realized i never did get what i wanted for christmas after all. (scanner, nothing!)
    they have a new unpublished neil story on that site~! `cinnamon'. yummy. scrummy. neil. mmmm.
    most of you probably don't know about tim hunter. but. he's from neil's `books of magic' and i adore him (i thought) much more than harry. he's like, what harry could be if he were actually cool and witty and brilliant and the most powerful wizard in the world, yet still a dorky british boy with glasses and a hopeless crush on a girl and dead parents and too many responsibilities. gah. i -love- tim. but. seeing this action figure of him-- you'd think i'd really want it. blech. i hate it. this is grown-up!tim, with the stupid goatee and the stupid stupid. stupid.
    *pouts* he's become majorly uncool. my harry plushie beats him hands down, and that's sad. on the bright side, i'm lusting heavily for the delirium action figure. mmm. and the plushie, gahd help me. am resisting the dream & daniel plushies. i mean, really. it's a stretch to say that's dream & daniel. still, though. wah! plushies! *giggles* am dork.