~~anti-angsty!sap, buffy squeeings, and realizations re: source of het squick

( so at first, let me just get tonight's buffy off my chest. i know it's more fashionable to talk about smallville, really, 'cause well-- CLex-- even -i'm- not immune-- but yah me and my old-fashioned obsessions )

~~

i've realized something. first of all, i've realized that my own het now squicks me. i mean, i'm v. proud of `dancing in the dark'-- and in fact, you should read it right now-- i'm that proud of it. i wrote it like, years ago, but i like the feeling behind it and i think my writing was in good shape, even if it has like, little to no cohesive plot (i sort of started out with one, but then lost it-- got bored, felt like it was too huge to lift-- happens to me a lot).

but yah, my own het smutfic squicks me. i mean, i like boys, and i like girls, just not-- necessarily-- together o_0
    i feel like i'm this huge big weirdo. everytime i decide i'm a lesbian, i start oggling some cute guy (even like, ryan, in tonight's smallville-- oh yah i was noticin' the chest before the angst, uh-huh). everytime i decide i like guys, they have that victoria's secret commercial and i try not to be too obvious about wanting to become an electron shimmering on one of their breasts.
    on the other hand, i still *heart* spuffy, so all is not lost(?)

also realized (perhaps more significantly, but probably not), the reason i have issues wanting to read hetfic, specifically fanfic that has a het romance between draco (and say, hermione). we won't mention ginny, who is evil. draco/pansy, on the other hand, would be good for a laugh. someone write one, i'll read it. if you bribe me, i'll even write it. *laughs evilly*

( but on second thought, this is probably not pertinent to many people, is it.... )

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also, i realized i dislike angst that has a sappy center, ie, is just sap with all sorts of "issues", and the first chance the characters have to let go, they just bounce around calling each other "dear" and cuddling and acting like happy bunnies. i re-read `all torn down' last night, and remembered how i disliked it, even though i enjoy obake's writing enough to keep reading with much interest. her characterizations pain me greatly. but it's also the sort of-- pseudo!angst she has going on. hurt/comfort, i would say, is pseudo!angst.
    if you're going to write darkfic, just write darkfic. it doesn't really go away-- even if you're cuddling. or at least there's a balance all the time. i -can- like needful!death-eater!draco (just look at antenora's fics-- i adore them)-- but he's so easily screwed up (and to think he's -already- screwed up enough, heh). this whole artificiality and overblown melodrama and sentimentality so often implied by `angst' really rubs me the wrong way. sap is fine. i like sap-- it knows what it is, and it sticks with it. same with good darkfic.
    fics like `the perfect imperfection' and `all torn down' just muddle the issue with soap-opera type stuff like suicidal impulses, crying, blushing, weird tenderness from supposedly not-so-nice characters, and so on. yeurgh.

EDIT: happy endings are, obviously, my favorite thing, and definitely ok. as are tender moments, sweet embraces, and all sorts of melty kissing scenes. tenderness isn't -bad-, it's just-- well-- it has to make sense.
    i'm just annoyed by inexplicable wholesale "redemption" purely by the power of schmoopy luuurve.