~~in the balance.

everything fits together. or, it should. what i said a few hours ago, and what aristotle said a few millenia ago, and what you said last night-- it all fits together, to me. i -want- it to. somehow it all makes sense to me, that everything's interconnected-- and of course it is, in my head. my thoughts on buffy pairings are perfectly meshed with my thoughts on astrology, my thoughts on fiction in general, and my thoughts on gravity & sub-atomic physics. it's all... related. no, not relative, though that too ;p
     that's the thing, why i'm obsessed with pairings to an extent. i've -always- thought of pairings. when i read fairy-tales (or had them read to me) as a child-- i always got that special tingle, because the prince & princess were so -right- together. it was so -right- that they go through what they did, and things turn out as they did, and that she spilled three drops of blood, and that he always wanted someone who could spin his heart into gold, and that the evil stepmother had to dance in red-iron shoes. it was all perfect. i got perfectly spoiled.

i don't know if it's about "meant-to-be", or "one true love", to me. it's about... rightness. sure, you can -make- things fit right, if you push and shove and strain (see, cinderella had something to say. i think it said it too firmly to me, and now i can never get away, but nevermind). yes, you can -force- things. but what about things that are naturall perfect? are there such things? i'm not about to tell you, oh, and see, harry & draco are like that, because really that would be didactic of me. i don't want to prove a negative, either, so it doesn't seem right to try proving why, say, spike & dru aren't, in any way, shape, or form, right. i know a bunch of romantics believe in that pairing. same with angel and buffy (a romantic's favorite). yet i'm a raging romantic, and i don't like those things. things don't have to fit just because they have, see? the past doesn't prove anything, except that there must've been -reasons- why those things happened. and those are probably reasons that one should be aware of. but, any more than that is completely up in the air.

just because at this moment things aren't working, doesn't mean a thing (to me). just because in the past, they've worked, doesn't mean much more (though, somewhat more). and yet, obviously, i too, order my life around whether things working in past or present, rather than future. that's only natural. but what i'm talking about isn't past, present, or future. i'm talking about... within. within that center of gravity inside hearts and events, where time stands still. the eye of the storm. the innermost mind doesn't really deal with past, present, future. there, you only have hope, dream, memory, being. that's what i'm concerned with. and yet i'm not saying that in that center, there can be no change. indeed, there can be.
    we change. what's right for us, changes. that's obvious.

is there such a thing as, "in the end", outside of stories? as in, ``in the end, dru and spike were just not good for each other". or "in the end, i realized that my attempts at living there were pointless and utterly misguided". something like that. why am i such a busybody, anyway? why do i want to play matchmaker? not only with -people-, but with ideas, with whole states of being for the world. i can't help wanting everything to fall into place, like a jigsaw puzzle. i believe there are missing pieces, and one can find them, if one looks long enough. yes, there are lots of different possible combinations. so in the end what i believe is ``right" for someone isn't just one thing, or one person. rather, i'd say, one sort of thing/person would fit best, see?

and that's what i want. the best. the ideal. the most beautiful, elegant solution.
i believe in things being complementary, going both ways. not just helping -one- side, but helping both, and enriching and transcending the originals in their union. i believe in the magic of combinations. you combine the right things, and alchemy happens. you combine -other- things, that are almost just right, and chemistry still does happen, and you could go through life not even -knowing- that this glorious other magic was even possible, that you were even capable of it, if you didn't experience it.

on the other had, i have my "reena the pop psychologist" hat. that hat tells me, "well, even though these people fit ok, they're really not realizing their potential like this", and, "well, even though this works, this other thing works so much better for both", and, "eventually i can see entropy overtaking them, and the negative elements growing and growing, and them becoming more and more discontent". yes, it matters. i won't be behind anything that i can't see both lasting and growing. sort of like a plant crop that gets better and bigger every year-- relationships can be like that. (oh god, agriculture metaphors, what's next??)
     i want it to be both intense, and healthy, and passionately beautiful for as long as the people live. is that even possible? why am i so fixated on this completely idealized "best of all possible worlds" scenario? can't people just have fun and enjoy themselves, and appreciate what comes, as it does?

i admit, it's only when i really really care about the issues/characters that it really matters to me. if it's not that important to me, sure, i don't really care one way or the other. but. if my own emotions are involved, of course i want to see my dreams come true. plus of course, like i said, i'm often perfectly sure i know what's more healthy (and therefore best, heheh). say, spike & dru. so not for the best, for either of them. how can i possibly approve? and yet. obviously, spike/buffy have an (arguably) even more messed up relationship. so what gives? why would i overlook -their- issues and totally dwell on the magnitude of the -other- pairing's issues? well.
    it's all about how it fits in my head-- the possibilities. and this is of course totally un-arguable and subjective, at this point, because it has to do with my own vision of the depths of their own potential. no one can prove potential unless and until it happens. and of course, anything can happen (theoretically), so. basically-- it's a closed circle. uncrackable by logic. well, thank goodness i don't use logic, mostly, eh? hee :)

i can only say-- understanding people (and things, and ideas) gives you a very good blueprint of their potential. it's -almost- logical. what matters is true, unbiased ability to see the various ins and outs of a person's (character's) psyche. who are they? what do they need? what do they want? what do they believe? you can use that and extrapolate to, "what can they become, with that other variable acting upon them". this is where my astrology musings come in, btw. and of course, what i ultimately want anyone (especially anyone that matters to me) to become, is-- their higher self. their realized self. their Aware self.

yes, this is where reena tries to put her serious face on as tight as she could (*snerk*) and then tell you that she believes that harry and draco (yea, we all knew where this was always going, didn't we? well, didn't we?) could, based on her understanding of their characters, become Aware as a result of their interaction and close relationship. hey, ok so, few, few people do that no matter -who- they're with, and -what- happens. but hey, this is my own little dream-world here, so shush. anyway-- yeah. they could use each other's insights, and the insights into themselves the other could inspire and generate, to Awaken. to become truly alive. truly aware-- truly free. balanced. that's what it's all about. living i mean. well, isn't it? ah, who cares, i can answer my own questions anyway, we all know that :>