~~ real-life entry!! sort of -.-
May. 27th, 2003 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkareading ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
deche's entries always makes me feel like i want to be more like her when i grow up. more forthright and "i'm just gonna do this 'cause i feel like it and i'm going to be intelligent and well thought-out even when i'm just shooting the breeze". hee.
anyway, i hate having a "fandom journal", sort of. when i think about it, when i think of having to consciously keep it that way or i'll bore people silly. but who cares, right~:) so here goes.
Twenty Years Ago: i was finishing up my first year of kindergarten. life was good, except when my mother bullied me into going to the horrid figure-skating school (it wasn't horrid, i was just lazy), and bullied me into going to the theatre or the movies or the doctor's. my life consisted of my mother, daydreaming (mostly daydreaming), figure-skating, dancing, and going over to my grandmother's house to have her talk at me and feed me. i sort of had one friend in kindergarten, anya, and she was mean to me and lied to me and would steal my toys if she could, i'm sure. i didn't think she was mean, or at least it didn't matter. i wasn't too aware of anything beyond the moment, and i was very fascinated by leaves and kittens (i put them into a cellophane bag once) and every little stone on the sidewalk (i liked the sparkly ones). i was already beginning to drive people mad. i fell down a lot. i knew how to pronounce my father's disease, and i was proud: lympho-gramo-limotosis (in russian). i knew what cancer was, but i didn't know it killed you.
Ten Years Ago: i was on the edge of oblivion, and no one knew it. my mother didn't know it, and i couldn't tell her, i just couldn't. i hadn't been going to class that whole semester, and had been reading a hodge-podge of romance novels and star trek. i hated my school with a violent passion, and my real life didn't really exist as far as i was concerned. i pretended to go to school every day, and then ducked out after the bus had gone a few stops. i -had- finished last semester, and i thought maybe it could be okay, but it wasn't. i wasn't. nothing was okay, and my future had nothing to do with me, although i wanted there to be starships. i also wanted aliens to abduct me. i didn't talk to my junior high friends, i didn't talk to anyone. i was fat and unhappy and i would've been angry at the world if only i didn't drug myself with books. i had given up.
Five Years Ago: i was pretending i was okay again, but i wasn't -just- pretending. i was feeling like i was finally okay after my first boyfriend turned out to be a whole lot of wasted time. it had taken more than half a year to figure out he didn't really want me, but i'd finally done it. i didn't need him anymore. i saw him in spring, and found resolution. i thought i could still make it, still be ready to salvage the semester, do something to help myself. i wanted to, i really wanted to. i didn't want to be a slave to stupid misplaced emotion. i didn't want to be too incapacitated with longing to focus on anything. and i wasn't almost okay. not okay enough. i failed again.
Three Years Ago: i was in houghton, michigan, and i was living with his parents again. it was hell, and i couldn't even believe i'd sunk that low. i was living in some sort of surreal world where i was someone's girlfriend and i was living with his parents in michigan, neither of us doing anything at all. he'd finished up his degree that winter, and now there was just nothing. i was on the computer a lot in the tiny room that it it was in, and virtually all my conversation for the last year had been with him. he wasn't as unhappy as i was, but then, i was nearly beside myself. i didn't want to wait for us to have a plan. i just wanted to leave that place. california was the answer. it was the only answer i could think of. we didn't have more than $300 and a limited amount of credit, but we were just a few weeks from getting in the car and driving.
One Year Ago: i was alone in the apartment, in school again, and i was horribly lonely. so lonely and i missed having love and i missed everything and i didn't have any friends or any support base and i was clinging to anime and watching it compulsively every day until i couldn't anymore. i was failing again, and would have to withdraw again. and as soon as i couldn't take watching yet more anime, i discovered fanfiction. it would be all right. that fall had been all right, i had a housemate, i could have a housemate again. i could start over again. i could do it, i just needed to get this out of my system. summer was coming and i was going to take a course, maybe, and i was going to finally shake this.
Half a Year Ago: keep saying, "damn, i should leave this fandom-- oh look, methos!". burning out on expectations and too much h/d fic and yet feeling like i haven't -finished- yet. horribly burned out. obsessed with status as "meta person", which is sort of like, "cheerleeder" except even more stupid. taking some interesting classes at the last minute, no sense of direction whatsoever. life, what life? more fictional gay sex. on the bright side, had a flaming queen philosophy professor, which was encouraging. still lonely and avoidant, but at least, writing more.
Yesterday: spent the entire damn day watching qaf vids. seriously. enough `queer as folk' to boggle the mind. and then after it's boggled, boggle it some more. ahhhhhh, sweet obsession. no, i didn't do anything else. yes, i um... ate. pretended i intended to write late fic. boggled at flame war going on while i was still buzzing on gaysexhappiness. also, glad i'm a recluse sometimes. highlight was, "eeeee, they kissed AGAIN!" and, "eeeee, ishuca<3333" who i haven't talked to in awhile and who's one of the very very few people i'm guessing i'll still know after fandom's done.
Today: hey, my first day working at the 'puter lab this summer. am here at the ungodly hour of 11:30. er. also, will find out about what happened to the class i tried to late-drop. if it's ok (*crosses fingers*), i have incompletes to finish. if not, i'm dead. happy day.
Tomorrow: i have no clue. please, please god, let me have written The Fic That Is Driving Me Mad by then, and not overdosed on qaf to the point of gibbering madness. not that i'd mind, of course. also, have to call my mom about coming over. heyyyy, i bet they have qaf in the blockbusters in nyc. god, i love life when it consists of obsessive hunting for gay sex <333
~~
~~ Formative Books & Comics
**** = all-time-favorites
1 - peter beagle - the last unicorn****
2 - peter beagle - the folk of the air*****
3 - peter beagle - giant bones
4 - peter beagle - tamsin
5 - pamela dean - tam lin
6 - pamela dean - the doubtful hills
7 - william shakespeare - hamlet
8 - emma donoghue - kissing the witch
9 - josepha sherman - a strange and ancient name
10 - patricia mckillip - the riddlemaster of hed trilogy****
11 - patricia mckillip - the forgotten beasts of eld****
12 - patricia mckillip - the book of atrix wolfe
13 - emma bull - finder****
14 - nina kiriki hoffman - the thread that binds the bones****
15 - nina kiriki hoffman - the silent strength of stones
16 - nina kiriki hoffman - a red heart of memories
17 - francesca lia block - dangerous angels****
18 - vonda mcintyre - dreamsnake****
19 - joan d. vinge - the cat trilogy****
20 - vernor vinge - a fire upon the deep
21 - diana paxton - the wolf and the raven
22 - diana paxton - the serpent's tooth
23 - theodore sturgeon - more than human****
24 - isaac asimov - prelude to the foundation
25 - terry brooks - landover series
26 - a.s. byatt - possession****
27 - a.s. byatt - passions of the mind
28 - juliet marillier - the sevenwaters trilogy
29 - robin mckinley - deerskin****
30 - robin mckinley - the stone fey****
31 - parke godwin - sherwood
32 - jennifer roberson - lady of the forest
33 - janet fitch - white oleander
34 - andre norton & mercedes lackey - the elvenbane****
35 - nancy kress - an alien light****
36 - nancy kress - beggars in spain
37 - nancy kress - brainrose
38 - c.s. lewis - till we have faces
39 - oscar wilde - the portrait of dorian gray
40 - oscar wilde - fairy tales
41 - honore de balzac - the magic skin
42 - mary stewart - the merlin trilogy****
43 - sherri tepper - beauty
44 - garth nix - sabriel****
44 - william goldman - the princess bride
45 - michael ende - the neverending story
46 - j.m. barrie - the adventures of peter pan
47 - astrid lindgren - mio, my mio
48 - astrid lindgren - karlsson on the roof
49 - antoine de saint-exupery - the little prince
50 - banana yoshimoto - lizard
51 - banana yoshimoto - np****
52 - maxine hong kingston - the woman warrior****
53 - amy tan - the joy luck club
54 - amy tan - the hundred secret senses
55 - p.l. traver - mary poppins
56 - lewis carroll - alice's adventures in wonderland
57 - alexandre dumas - the three musketeers
58 - john knowles - a separate peace
59 - j.d. salinger - the catcher in the rye****
60 - mark twain - the adventures of tom sawyer
61 - jules verne - twenty thousand leagues under the sea
62 - daniel defoe - robinson crusoe
63 - jonathan swift - gulliver's travels
64 - charlotte bronte - jane eyre
65 - john barth - lost in the funhouse
66 - john barth - chimera****
67 - charles dickens - great expectations
68 - charles dickens - oliver twist
69 - rudyard kipling - the jungle book
70 - robert louis stevenson - treasure island
71 - arthur conan doyle - sherlock holmes series
72 - jack london - the iron heel
73 - agatha christie - hercule poirot series
74 - emily dickinson - poems
75 - adrienne rich - diving into the wreck
76 - rainer maria rilke - letters to a young poet
77 - toni morrison - the bluest eye
78 - alan moore - watchmen
79 - bryan talbot - one bad rat
80 - john ney reiber - books of magic arc****
81 - john ney reiber - mythos
82 - neil gaiman - the sandman arc****
83 - neil gaiman - black orchid
84 - neil gaiman - the last temptation
85 - will shetterly - elsewhere
86 - will shetterly - nevernever
87 - terri windling - borderland
88 - diane duane - the wounded sky
89 - c.j. cherryh - faery in shadow
90 - diana wynne jones - witchweek
91 - diana wynne jones - the time of the ghost
92 - diana wynne jones - the lives of christopher chant
93 - diana wynne jones - charmed life
94 - clarissa pinkola estes - women who run with the wolves
95 - oliver sacks - an anthropologist on mars
96 - roland barthes - a lover's discourse
97 - carl sagan - cosmos
98 - the brothers grimm - collected fairytales****
99 - hans christian andersen - collected fairytales****
100 - j.k. rowling - harry potter series
deche's entries always makes me feel like i want to be more like her when i grow up. more forthright and "i'm just gonna do this 'cause i feel like it and i'm going to be intelligent and well thought-out even when i'm just shooting the breeze". hee.anyway, i hate having a "fandom journal", sort of. when i think about it, when i think of having to consciously keep it that way or i'll bore people silly. but who cares, right~:) so here goes.
Twenty Years Ago: i was finishing up my first year of kindergarten. life was good, except when my mother bullied me into going to the horrid figure-skating school (it wasn't horrid, i was just lazy), and bullied me into going to the theatre or the movies or the doctor's. my life consisted of my mother, daydreaming (mostly daydreaming), figure-skating, dancing, and going over to my grandmother's house to have her talk at me and feed me. i sort of had one friend in kindergarten, anya, and she was mean to me and lied to me and would steal my toys if she could, i'm sure. i didn't think she was mean, or at least it didn't matter. i wasn't too aware of anything beyond the moment, and i was very fascinated by leaves and kittens (i put them into a cellophane bag once) and every little stone on the sidewalk (i liked the sparkly ones). i was already beginning to drive people mad. i fell down a lot. i knew how to pronounce my father's disease, and i was proud: lympho-gramo-limotosis (in russian). i knew what cancer was, but i didn't know it killed you.
Ten Years Ago: i was on the edge of oblivion, and no one knew it. my mother didn't know it, and i couldn't tell her, i just couldn't. i hadn't been going to class that whole semester, and had been reading a hodge-podge of romance novels and star trek. i hated my school with a violent passion, and my real life didn't really exist as far as i was concerned. i pretended to go to school every day, and then ducked out after the bus had gone a few stops. i -had- finished last semester, and i thought maybe it could be okay, but it wasn't. i wasn't. nothing was okay, and my future had nothing to do with me, although i wanted there to be starships. i also wanted aliens to abduct me. i didn't talk to my junior high friends, i didn't talk to anyone. i was fat and unhappy and i would've been angry at the world if only i didn't drug myself with books. i had given up.
Five Years Ago: i was pretending i was okay again, but i wasn't -just- pretending. i was feeling like i was finally okay after my first boyfriend turned out to be a whole lot of wasted time. it had taken more than half a year to figure out he didn't really want me, but i'd finally done it. i didn't need him anymore. i saw him in spring, and found resolution. i thought i could still make it, still be ready to salvage the semester, do something to help myself. i wanted to, i really wanted to. i didn't want to be a slave to stupid misplaced emotion. i didn't want to be too incapacitated with longing to focus on anything. and i wasn't almost okay. not okay enough. i failed again.
Three Years Ago: i was in houghton, michigan, and i was living with his parents again. it was hell, and i couldn't even believe i'd sunk that low. i was living in some sort of surreal world where i was someone's girlfriend and i was living with his parents in michigan, neither of us doing anything at all. he'd finished up his degree that winter, and now there was just nothing. i was on the computer a lot in the tiny room that it it was in, and virtually all my conversation for the last year had been with him. he wasn't as unhappy as i was, but then, i was nearly beside myself. i didn't want to wait for us to have a plan. i just wanted to leave that place. california was the answer. it was the only answer i could think of. we didn't have more than $300 and a limited amount of credit, but we were just a few weeks from getting in the car and driving.
One Year Ago: i was alone in the apartment, in school again, and i was horribly lonely. so lonely and i missed having love and i missed everything and i didn't have any friends or any support base and i was clinging to anime and watching it compulsively every day until i couldn't anymore. i was failing again, and would have to withdraw again. and as soon as i couldn't take watching yet more anime, i discovered fanfiction. it would be all right. that fall had been all right, i had a housemate, i could have a housemate again. i could start over again. i could do it, i just needed to get this out of my system. summer was coming and i was going to take a course, maybe, and i was going to finally shake this.
Half a Year Ago: keep saying, "damn, i should leave this fandom-- oh look, methos!". burning out on expectations and too much h/d fic and yet feeling like i haven't -finished- yet. horribly burned out. obsessed with status as "meta person", which is sort of like, "cheerleeder" except even more stupid. taking some interesting classes at the last minute, no sense of direction whatsoever. life, what life? more fictional gay sex. on the bright side, had a flaming queen philosophy professor, which was encouraging. still lonely and avoidant, but at least, writing more.
Yesterday: spent the entire damn day watching qaf vids. seriously. enough `queer as folk' to boggle the mind. and then after it's boggled, boggle it some more. ahhhhhh, sweet obsession. no, i didn't do anything else. yes, i um... ate. pretended i intended to write late fic. boggled at flame war going on while i was still buzzing on gaysexhappiness. also, glad i'm a recluse sometimes. highlight was, "eeeee, they kissed AGAIN!" and, "eeeee, ishuca<3333" who i haven't talked to in awhile and who's one of the very very few people i'm guessing i'll still know after fandom's done.
Today: hey, my first day working at the 'puter lab this summer. am here at the ungodly hour of 11:30. er. also, will find out about what happened to the class i tried to late-drop. if it's ok (*crosses fingers*), i have incompletes to finish. if not, i'm dead. happy day.
Tomorrow: i have no clue. please, please god, let me have written The Fic That Is Driving Me Mad by then, and not overdosed on qaf to the point of gibbering madness. not that i'd mind, of course. also, have to call my mom about coming over. heyyyy, i bet they have qaf in the blockbusters in nyc. god, i love life when it consists of obsessive hunting for gay sex <333
~~
~~ Formative Books & Comics
**** = all-time-favorites
1 - peter beagle - the last unicorn****
2 - peter beagle - the folk of the air*****
3 - peter beagle - giant bones
4 - peter beagle - tamsin
5 - pamela dean - tam lin
6 - pamela dean - the doubtful hills
7 - william shakespeare - hamlet
8 - emma donoghue - kissing the witch
9 - josepha sherman - a strange and ancient name
10 - patricia mckillip - the riddlemaster of hed trilogy****
11 - patricia mckillip - the forgotten beasts of eld****
12 - patricia mckillip - the book of atrix wolfe
13 - emma bull - finder****
14 - nina kiriki hoffman - the thread that binds the bones****
15 - nina kiriki hoffman - the silent strength of stones
16 - nina kiriki hoffman - a red heart of memories
17 - francesca lia block - dangerous angels****
18 - vonda mcintyre - dreamsnake****
19 - joan d. vinge - the cat trilogy****
20 - vernor vinge - a fire upon the deep
21 - diana paxton - the wolf and the raven
22 - diana paxton - the serpent's tooth
23 - theodore sturgeon - more than human****
24 - isaac asimov - prelude to the foundation
25 - terry brooks - landover series
26 - a.s. byatt - possession****
27 - a.s. byatt - passions of the mind
28 - juliet marillier - the sevenwaters trilogy
29 - robin mckinley - deerskin****
30 - robin mckinley - the stone fey****
31 - parke godwin - sherwood
32 - jennifer roberson - lady of the forest
33 - janet fitch - white oleander
34 - andre norton & mercedes lackey - the elvenbane****
35 - nancy kress - an alien light****
36 - nancy kress - beggars in spain
37 - nancy kress - brainrose
38 - c.s. lewis - till we have faces
39 - oscar wilde - the portrait of dorian gray
40 - oscar wilde - fairy tales
41 - honore de balzac - the magic skin
42 - mary stewart - the merlin trilogy****
43 - sherri tepper - beauty
44 - garth nix - sabriel****
44 - william goldman - the princess bride
45 - michael ende - the neverending story
46 - j.m. barrie - the adventures of peter pan
47 - astrid lindgren - mio, my mio
48 - astrid lindgren - karlsson on the roof
49 - antoine de saint-exupery - the little prince
50 - banana yoshimoto - lizard
51 - banana yoshimoto - np****
52 - maxine hong kingston - the woman warrior****
53 - amy tan - the joy luck club
54 - amy tan - the hundred secret senses
55 - p.l. traver - mary poppins
56 - lewis carroll - alice's adventures in wonderland
57 - alexandre dumas - the three musketeers
58 - john knowles - a separate peace
59 - j.d. salinger - the catcher in the rye****
60 - mark twain - the adventures of tom sawyer
61 - jules verne - twenty thousand leagues under the sea
62 - daniel defoe - robinson crusoe
63 - jonathan swift - gulliver's travels
64 - charlotte bronte - jane eyre
65 - john barth - lost in the funhouse
66 - john barth - chimera****
67 - charles dickens - great expectations
68 - charles dickens - oliver twist
69 - rudyard kipling - the jungle book
70 - robert louis stevenson - treasure island
71 - arthur conan doyle - sherlock holmes series
72 - jack london - the iron heel
73 - agatha christie - hercule poirot series
74 - emily dickinson - poems
75 - adrienne rich - diving into the wreck
76 - rainer maria rilke - letters to a young poet
77 - toni morrison - the bluest eye
78 - alan moore - watchmen
79 - bryan talbot - one bad rat
80 - john ney reiber - books of magic arc****
81 - john ney reiber - mythos
82 - neil gaiman - the sandman arc****
83 - neil gaiman - black orchid
84 - neil gaiman - the last temptation
85 - will shetterly - elsewhere
86 - will shetterly - nevernever
87 - terri windling - borderland
88 - diane duane - the wounded sky
89 - c.j. cherryh - faery in shadow
90 - diana wynne jones - witchweek
91 - diana wynne jones - the time of the ghost
92 - diana wynne jones - the lives of christopher chant
93 - diana wynne jones - charmed life
94 - clarissa pinkola estes - women who run with the wolves
95 - oliver sacks - an anthropologist on mars
96 - roland barthes - a lover's discourse
97 - carl sagan - cosmos
98 - the brothers grimm - collected fairytales****
99 - hans christian andersen - collected fairytales****
100 - j.k. rowling - harry potter series
